The Cellar

The door opened, and before I even looked up, I knew it was Lewis. Everything changed. The atmosphere spiked; my heart rate spiked. My parents both sat forward, and Henry marched in front of my bed and looked back to the door. What were they expecting? Did they think Lewis had the magic cure that would fix everything? I wished he did, but I wasn’t that naïve anymore.

  He’s here. My breath caught in my throat and everything stopped. I felt nervous, confused, and scared—not excited. I felt like the air had been sucked from the room. I could hardly breathe.

  Neither of us said a word, and I still hadn’t looked up. It became painful to be in the same room. His footsteps grew louder as he approached. I felt the bed dip and, out of the corner of my eye, saw his leg. I gulped and looked up. The first thing I saw was my family standing just inside the door. We weren’t getting privacy for this, then.

  I turned my head, and he came into view. I stopped breathing altogether. I had remembered his face perfectly, down to the faint little scar just under his eyebrow.

  “Summer,” he whispered. I closed my eyes. The way he said my name was how I had imagined it so many times when I was in the cellar, how I pictured him saying it, how his eyes shone when he said it. My name suddenly didn’t feel as strange anymore.

  His beautiful green eyes pierced into mine, and I felt weightless. He still looked at me the same way. How? Did he really wait for me? I wanted to believe it so badly, but seven and a half months was a long time. How long ago did he think I was dead? Had he started to move on? He was still searching for me, but did that mean he wanted me?

  I had so many questions, and I didn’t feel that I could ask him any of them. He opened and closed his mouth a few times. I guess he couldn’t find the words either. He was just as lost. I always thought our reunion would be romantic—rescued girl jumps into guy’s arms and they kiss.

  “Lily?” I leaped forward at the sound of Poppy’s voice. She looked around nervously, avoiding eye contact with everyone. I threw the thin blanket off my legs and got out of bed. My head swam as I stood up, and I stumbled trying to walk.

  Lewis gasped. “Summer!” My mum started fussing, and I was ordered to get back to bed. I ignored my family’s demands and rushed into Poppy’s open arms. She started crying. I wanted to go home. Not to the cellar, but somewhere with Rose, Poppy, and Violet. I didn’t feel safe without them.

  “Are you okay?” I asked, looking her up and down frantically. He’d stabbed her!

  She nodded. “Fine. It wasn’t deep. Violet…” She let out a big sob. What?

  “What about her? You’ve been with her. They told me you were with her. Is she okay?” Poppy sobbed harder on my shoulder and shook her head. No. “But…she can’t be…” Violet’s dead. Clover had killed her.

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  I collapsed against Poppy. My body started to shake. It hurt so much. After all of that, Violet died anyway. I burst into tears. Why couldn’t it just all be over? “Rose, where’s Rose?” I sobbed, my chest heaving. She would need us too.

  “She’s in the hospital, but they won’t let me see her. ”

  Pulling back, I wiped my tears, but it was useless; fresh ones replaced them straight away. “I want to see her. We need to find someone. ”

  “Summer, stop!” Henry grabbed my arm. I pulled my wrist from his grip and stepped back. “You need to get into bed. ”

  I turned away from him. My own brother felt like a stranger to me. “Do you know where she is?” I asked Poppy.

  She shook her head. “No, I’ve asked a million times, but no one will tell me anything. ”

  The door opened yet again and Cecilia walked in. “Poppy, you can’t be in here. ” She shook her head. “And you need to be in bed, Summer. ”

  “Lily,” I corrected and froze. Lily? I recoiled, shocked at myself. What? No. Turning in a daze, I climbed back in bed. Why did I say that? “Can you just please find out how Rose is?” My eyes welled up with tears again. “Please?”

  Cecilia nodded. “I’ll do my best. Back to your room now, Poppy. You can visit later, I promise. ”

  Why weren’t they calling Poppy, Becca? Had no one come to see her to tell the doctors the truth? My heart sunk. I was so sure her family would come forward. Poppy left without a fight, and I was alone again. Well, not really alone.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Lewis staring at me as if I had gone crazy. I probably actually had, but I couldn’t tell anymore. Did I want to talk to him? I did, but I didn’t know how. What could I possibly say to him? Things must have changed for him now—it had been seven and a half months! We’d never technically broken up, so I wasn’t sure what we were. What did I want? Together. I definitely wanted to be together, but I didn’t know how to be anymore. I wasn’t the same Summer he fell in love with. I had nothing to offer him.

  My eyes stung. He’s here with me. I wanted to rush to him but I was scared. “Can you give us a minute, please?” I asked, staring down at the bed. They would know I meant leave me with Lewis. My family left the room, and he sat on the edge of the bed, facing me. We had reached a point where I had to look at him. There were no distractions I could use anymore. This is Lewis. Why am I so scared?

  “Sum,” he whispered. My name didn’t seem so wrong when he said it. It had meaning, and I remembered all the times he had called me before. “Look at me, baby. ”

  The air left my lungs. Baby. I couldn’t find my breath. Gulping, I looked up. He stared at me with love and relief in his eyes. I saw my future there again. That hadn’t changed. My heart fluttered, and I felt alive again.

  The atmosphere changed again—charged with such a high sense of relief and longing. I had missed him so much. There wasn’t one day that I hadn’t thought about him. I had heard that true love is realized after a couple has experienced and overcome something huge. Was this it? I still loved Lewis so much, and it looked like he felt the same way. I wasn’t naïve enough to think I would leave this hospital with him and live happily ever after—after all, perfect endings were for fairy tales—but I had more hope for things working out.

  Lewis’s lips slowly turned up into the most beautiful smile I had seen in a long time. “Hi, you,” he whispered.

  I grinned, mirroring him. “Hi. ” This was a little weird. We had never been weird before. Because I knew him before we got together, we had always been comfortable around each other.

  We lapsed into silence again. I played with the soft material of the hospital gown I was wearing. Please say something better than hi! Would it be like this for a while? Maybe we had to get to know each other again. I knew I wasn’t the same person, and I didn’t know if I ever would be again.

  “How are you?” He frowned at himself and shook his head as if he was telling himself off. Yes, Lewis, stupid question.

  “I’m fine. ” He raised an eyebrow. “What do you really want to ask me?”

  He bit his lip and sighed. “Sum, I have a million questions, and there’s so much I want to say, but I can’t find the words. ” He shuffled forward and my heart leaped. What’s he doing? “Right now, I just want to hold you. I’ve missed you so much. ”

  I moved so I was sitting forward, giving him permission. His arms shot around me and pulled me against his chest. His hand gripped my hair so desperately it filled my eyes with fresh tears. I buried my head in his chest and let go, bursting into tears. All of the horror, heartache, and fear over the last eight months poured out, and I sobbed until my throat was raw.

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  Lewis held me, kissing the side of my neck occasionally. “It’s okay, baby. You’re safe now. I love you so much. ” He must have been uncomfortable in his odd bent-over position, but he didn’t move an inch. I felt his body shake, and I knew he was crying too. Lewis didn’t cry. I had never seen him cry. It broke my heart.

  I wanted to comfort him and beg him to stop crying, but I couldn’t stop myself. My sense of reli
ef was so huge—I was completely overwhelmed. He was really here and this wasn’t a dream. I wasn’t sure how long we held each other, but it felt like hours. His scent surrounded me and I was home.

  When he finally released me, I collapsed back on the bed, exhausted. I hadn’t even done anything, but I was so tired. “Sorry, you need to rest,” he said, pulling the blanket up over me. He looked at me, taking in every inch of my face. I bet I looked a terrible, with cuts and bruises all over me. I dropped my eyes to the blanket, seeing him look at me like that was too intense. I felt too vulnerable. Lewis could see through me better than anyone else—probably because I told him everything. There was no bullshitting him.

  I bit my lip and played with my fingers. “Are you leaving?”

  He shook his head. “I’m not going anywhere. Ever again, actually. ”

  I smirked, closed my eyes. “Stalker. ” His quiet chuckle filled the room and he took my hand, pressing his lips to my knuckles. I smiled as I fell asleep.

  34

  SUMMER

  Saturday, March 26th (Present)

  I knelt down and laid the daisies on Layal’s grave. Becca did the same for Rose, laying down a large bunch of red roses. She would have still wanted roses. Poppy—Becca—and I had been calling each other by our real names since we left the hospital, but calling her Becca and hearing her say Summer was still weird.

  I missed Rose and Layal so much it made me feel sick. They had become my family, and I still woke up every morning expecting them to be there. I had a lot of guilt that I couldn’t help Rose, but I wasn’t sure if there was anything I would have been able to do anyway. She had been down there too long. She couldn’t be anywhere else. But even so, whenever I thought about the day that I was finally back with my family being looked after while she was alone, swiping medication and overdosing, I hated myself.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered to them both. Sorry for not finding something that could have helped Rose, and sorry that I hadn’t been able to fight Clover off Violet long enough.

  Becca grabbed my hand. “It wasn’t your fault, Sum. ” I knew it wasn’t, but I still felt awful. Survivor’s guilt, apparently. They died and I managed to get out alive. “We should go. You’ve got to be home soon. ”

  I nodded. My family had barely let me out since I got back. They watched my every move, and I couldn’t even go outside without one of them following me.

  “I’ll come back soon,” I promised Rose and Violet. We walked back toward the road. “So, you’re definitely coming tonight?”

  Becca nodded. “Yeah, I’ll be over at six thirty. ”

  “Good girl. ” She rolled her eyes and linked her arm though mine. Over the past ten days, we had spent most of our time together. We were both on very friendly terms with each other’s families. Our situation united us all. Becca and Henry had also been growing closer. I had a feeling it wouldn’t be long before they were together—if Becca could get past her fear of not being good enough. I wanted that for her—even though it was gross her being with my brother. She deserved to be happy. I reminded myself to tell him to buy her a cottage so she could finally live the life she dreamed of.

  Becca’s brother’s car was parked next to Lewis’s, where he was waiting for me. He jumped out of the car as we walked through the gate to the parking lot, worry etched on his face. I was surprised he hadn’t gone prematurely gray. “Okay?” he asked.

  “I’m fine. I just want to go home and relax,” I replied and got in the passenger side. I saw him frown, hurt, as I got in the car before going to him. Take your own advice. Since Clover, I hadn’t felt good enough for Lewis. Surely, he was only with me because he felt sorry for me? He knew everything, so how could he want me? He was in love with the old Summer, and it was only a matter of time before he realized I wasn’t her.

  Lewis got in the car and turned to me. Becca’s brother drove off, and I watched them disappear around the corner. “I love you,” he whispered, turning and looking directly into my eyes. I didn’t doubt it, but it wasn’t love for me now.

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  “I love you too, Lewis. ”

  “But?”

  “No buts. ”

  He raised his eyebrows. “I know you, Summer. I know there’s something you’re not telling me. ”

  I sighed in frustration. “Lewis, can we just forget it and go home, please?” We stared at each other. I wasn’t going to back down. I didn’t want to admit how I felt in case he confirmed it. “Becca’s coming over tonight. ”

  “Okay. You think we could have a night alone soon?” I froze. Alone to do what? “I don’t expect anything!” he exclaimed and frowned. “Summer, you never have to do anything you don’t want to with me, ever. I don’t expect anything from you. Fuck, I wanna kill that fucking bastard!”

  I smiled. “Language. ”

  He smiled too, visibly calming down. “Sorry. You never have to do anything you don’t want to with me. You know that. ”

  “I do know. Look, Clover was…” I trailed off, not knowing how to put it. There was no way I could put it nicely. “With him I didn’t have a choice and now I feel…um…” I didn’t want to say the words aloud; it would make it more real. Dirty, sick, used, worthless. “I don’t feel sick about you being…close with me, but I’m not ready for anything like that. I don’t know when I’ll be ready. Or if I will. ”

  “Summer, listen to me. Please. I will never rush you. I can wait as long as you need. Not every guy is ruled by his dick. I don’t need sex. I do have some self-control, you know. ”

  I smiled. “Right. Sorry. I know you do. I just don’t want you to get bored. ”

  “I’m definitely not getting bored. I didn’t ever think I’d see you again, Sum. Sex really isn’t a priority for me. Please just forget it, don’t worry about it. In fact, I won’t ever say anything about it. Whenever you’re ready—if you’re ready—we can talk again then. ”

  I gulped. He was willing to do that? “Really?”

  “Really. Now, you wanna watch something scary or funny?” he asked, effectively changing the subject.

  Was there anything scary in the movie world anymore? Everything that frightened me before just seemed so stupid now. Once you’d lived your own personal horror movie, nothing else measured up. “Whatever you want. ”

  “Why don’t we let Henry decide?”

  I shrugged. “Yeah, whatever. ” He grinned a full, face-splitting smile.

  “What?”

  “You said whatever. Not heard that in a while. ” I rolled my eyes.

  ***

  “What do you wanna watch?” Lewis asked Henry as he walked into my bedroom. He was right on cue.

  “Halloween?” he replied and frowned. “Summer, err…”

  I rolled my eyes again. “I’m not a baby. Put whatever you want on. ”

  “But isn’t it…”

  “Henry, just put it on. I don’t need any special treatment. Okay?” I had been through a shitload, but that didn’t mean I wanted everyone to treat me as if I were made of glass. Before Clover, they would have just teased me for being scared of the “fake blood and screaming actors. ” If I was going to move on and find Summer again, then I needed people to treat me the same as they always had.

  Henry didn’t say anything else; he put the movie on and sat next to me. “Scared yet?” Henry teased. It hadn’t even started.

  I smiled, silently thanking him for being normal. “Not yet but I’ll let you know, and where’s the popcorn?”

  He grinned. “Mum’s bringing it up in a minute. ”

  The movie started, and I waited, hoping that it would scare me so I knew there was at least a little part of me still in there. When the people in the movie were being murdered, I didn’t even flinch. Watching it felt like watching Mum bake a cake. It was something I had seen too many times for it to affect me. Would I still feel nothing if someone were actually being killed in front
of my eyes? I partly hoped so. I didn’t ever want to go back to that pure terror I felt at seeing someone’s life ripped away from them. I’d reached a point where I could almost completely switch it off, especially if they were a stranger.

  “You okay, Sum?” Henry asked, smirking at me.

  I frowned. “Fine. It doesn’t scare me anymore. ” I knew they would be making faces and feeling sorry for me, so I focused on the TV. The second the credits rolled, Henry ran from the room. I think it was my fault after telling him I wasn’t scared anymore. It was a stupid thing to say, and I should have just kept it to myself.

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  Lewis smiled at me sadly. Not him too! “I want to go to Ethan’s party thing tonight,” I said, hoping to take his mind off whatever was going through his head. Kerri had told me about a very, very small party her boyfriend, Ethan, was having, and I had debated whether to go or not. I used to love getting together at his house with my friends and messing around for the evening. “I need to work things out with Rachel. ”

  Lewis looked down at me, his eyes weary. “Why?”

  Did I not just say? “To work things out with Rachel…”

  “I got that, Summer. Why, though?”

  “Because she’s my friend and she feels bad. What happened to me wasn’t her fault. ” He flinched and looked down at the bed. He blamed himself. “Lewis, it wasn’t anyone’s fault but Clover’s. Please stop beating yourself up,” I whispered, shuffling toward him and laying my head on his shoulder. “I love you. ”

  He sighed and wrapped his arm around me. “I love you too, Sum. I just—”

  “Shh,” I hissed. “Please don’t. You couldn’t have known. I hate that you feel so guilty for something you had no control over. ” He smiled tightly and nodded. I knew he wasn’t really listening to me, and I wished there was something I could do to make him realize it wasn’t his fault, but he was a stubborn arse and needed to get there himself. Hopefully soon, because I hated him feeling crappy.

  “So you really want to go to a party?”

  “Yes. ” There would only be about five or six of my friends there, chilling at Ethan’s and playing Guitar Hero. It was hardly a rave.

  “Okay,” he replied slowly. “We’ll go. ”

  “I was going anyway. ”