Maybe Maby

  He’s chasing me. The whites of his eyes flash in the dark and I nearly trip over my mom’s body. I slip in the blood and think I’m gonna fall, but have to keep running. I choke. So tired. I can’t let him catch me. He’s on my heels and when he puts his hands on my back, I scream.

  “Shhh, it’s okay. You’re dreaming. It’s just a dream…”

  I look around wildly and can barely make out Coen. He wraps his arms around me and we lay back down. My whole body is trembling and I try to catch my breath. I fall back to sleep with Coen holding me.

  Several times I groggily come to, and Coen is spooned tight up against me. I keep falling back to sleep, so content with him next to me. When I wake up and he’s gone, I sit up. I have no grasp on what time it could be. Everything feels foggy. I stand up and look out the window. It’s dark.

  I pick up my phone and look at the time. I’ve slept the whole day away. Unbelievable.

  Before I even see what Coen is doing, I take a shower. I think about Coen’s arms wrapped around me all night and know that it was him, more than the medicine, that helped me sleep better than I have in months. When I’m dressed, I venture downstairs and he’s nowhere to be found. I get a water bottle out of the fridge and he comes in the door.

  “Sleeping Beauty is awake!” He’s holding two heaping plates of spaghetti. “I wasn’t sure if you’d want to see everyone just yet, so I brought it over. Spaghetti night, you know.”

  “I’m so hungry.” I smile shyly at him and take a plate. “Thank you.”

  We sit down at the bar side by side.

  “How are you feeling?”

  “I don’t think I’ve slept so well in … well, I can’t remember when.”

  “You needed it,” he says softly.

  I nod.

  We focus on eating, but it’s not uncomfortable, just quiet. I clean my plate and he smiles.

  “I can go get more, if you want.”

  I hold up my hand. “Oh no. I’m good.”

  He takes our plates and rinses them off. When he turns around to look at me, he looks serious. I swallow.

  “You were crying in your sleep. That’s why I came in. Do you remember what you were dreaming about?”

  I flush. “I dream about him a lot…”

  “Who?”

  “The man who … killed my mother. I-I keep dreaming that he’s chasing me.”

  He steps closer and takes my hand. “Is that why you’re not sleeping?”

  “Yes.”

  “You’re going to therapy?”

  “I was. I haven’t been lately.”

  “Why not?”

  “I haven’t been doing well. It’s embarrassing to keep failing.”

  He doesn’t say anything.

  “Last night the doctor implied that I should try marijuana…”

  Coen’s eyes widen and I laugh.

  “I know! I couldn’t believe it! Wasn’t expecting that. He told me where to get it in New Jersey.”

  “I can get some right here,” he says.

  “I didn’t know you were into that!”

  “I’m not really, but I will be if you need some…” He bumps his shoulder into mine. “Give me an hour and I’ll have some for you—my buddy James will hook us up.”

  I shake my head and laugh. “I don’t want to get anyone in trouble.”

  “My parents do it sometimes,” Coen laughs.

  “No way!”

  “Maybe I’ll just ask them to get it.”

  “Don’t you dare!” I put my hand on his arm and snatch it back.

  He looks at me for a long moment but doesn’t say anything. His expression is suddenly guarded and I have no idea what he’s thinking. It’s unsettling. He’s always been an open book with me.

  Finally, he says, “I’ll try James first. If I don’t get through to him, I’ll subtly ask my parents if they have any around. Okay?”

  “I should have just gone to New Jersey,” I moan.

  “Oh quit. We are not driving to New Jersey for pot.”

  I chuckle and bite my thumbnail. He goes outside with his phone and I resist the urge to pace. He comes back in within five minutes.

  “Wanna go for a little drive?”

  “That was fast.”

  We get in the car and as we’re pulling out, I ask him if his parents think I’m rude for not coming over.

  “I told them you haven’t been sleeping and were getting sick from the stress. They want you to stay as long as you want. I think they’d move me out if it meant you’d stay,” he admits. “Shit, forget I said that.”

  “Why? It’s sweet.”

  He shakes his head and doesn’t answer.

  “What, Coen?”

  He looks over. “This is hard. I don’t know how to not … I just—I don’t want to scare you off, okay?” He runs his hand through his hair and I wish I could do the same thing. “Just … keep talking to me. Okay? Whatever happens with us, Maby—I don’t want to completely lose you again. Even if it means we’re friends who only see each other once in a while. I swear … that would be better than what it’s been.”

  My eyes get blurry and I look out the window and nod. “Okay.”

  He pulls into a parking lot. “Ready to get high?”

  He looks at me then and his dimple goes in so deep with his grin that I sigh.

  “HOW LONG HAS it been since you’ve done this?” he asks when we get back to his place.

  “I’ve never done pot,” I admit.

  “Never?”

  “No! I don’t typically break the law!”

  “Oh, this is gonna be fun.”

  We get out of the car and go inside. He hands me the bag. I sit down on the couch and try to get my nerve.

  “My mom would kill me if she knew I was doing this,” I tell him. “She was the one who could always get me out of the bad stretches. I haven’t worked out how to cope without her.”

  He puts his arm around my waist. “You’ve been through so much. It’s understandable that you’re having a hard time without her.”

  I look at him and then open the bag, take a joint out, and hand him one.

  “No, it’s okay. I’ll just watch.”

  “What? You have to do it with me.”

  “It doesn’t usually affect me. I don’t wanna waste it…”

  “Well, you’re no fun.”

  “Already she’s pressuring me,” he laughs. “Okay, how about we share one to start with? That will probably be plenty anyway. Maybe I just haven’t had the good stuff. James swears this is good. Look, he even included a lighter. What a nice drug dealer.”

  We both laugh and he lights one and hands it to me.

  I take a puff, cough, and hold it out for him.

  “Take another puff or two,” he says.

  So I do.

  “You’re kinda doing it like a pro, Maby. Sure you haven’t done this before?”

  “I have occasional dalliances with cigarettes. Paschal dumped my stash, though, so maybe I’ll just have to do this instead.”

  “It’s definitely healthier,” he says, taking a pull. “Feel anything yet?”

  It’s a few more minutes before I feel anything. When I do, I try to keep from laughing, so I don’t do the stereotypical weird laugh that goes along with weed. All of a sudden, I get a feeling throughout my body that takes me by surprise. I stretch my arms out and moan.

  “Ohhhh!”

  “What?” Coen laughs. “Are you—what’s going on?”

  “It’s like my skin is having an orgasm!” I moan. “Mmmm…”

  “Shut up. You’re turning me on. Not allowed this weekend.” He laughs again. “I … yeah … I think I’m feeling this a little bit. Not the orgasm thing, but … a little bit happy.”

  I lean back on the couch and stare at Coen. He looks so cute I just want to eat him, I think, and then I die laughing.

  “What?” He laughs again. “I’m not high. I’m just laughing because you’re laughing.”

  “Mmm-hmm,?
?? I sputter and start laughing again.

  “Lightweight,” he says.

  We take our time finishing the joint and when I take the last drag, he raises his eyebrow. “Need more?”

  I shake my head. “No, I’m feeling pretty good. Kinda … sleepy,” I trail off.

  “All those orgasms can do that to you,” he says. “Come here, sleepyhead.” He picks me up and carries me upstairs.

  I unbutton my jeans and he helps me pull them off, and then puts the covers over me. He’s getting ready to leave when I call out.

  “Coen? Stay with me? Please?”

  “Yeah, I’ll come right back.”

  I’ve already dozed off when he lays down beside me. I nestle into his chest and go back to sleep.

  I FEEL COEN moving and crack an eye open. My head is on his chest and my leg is wrapped around his. He lifts his head, looking at the clock.

  “Wow,” he says with a groggy voice. “Noon.”

  “No way,” I say, closing my eyes.

  “How do you feel?” he asks.

  “Like I’ve had the best sleep ever.”

  He puts his hand in my hair and rubs my head. “Good.”

  “How about you?” I ask him.

  “Same.”

  His heart suddenly thumps harder underneath my ear and he shifts his leg out from under mine. He mumbles something and moves the pillow under my head while he gets up.

  “Close your eyes,” he says, when he stands up.

  I smile as I close them. He’s hurrying off to the bathroom and the shower starts running. He’s in there a long time. When he comes back out, I lean on both elbows and watch him.

  “Would you like me to go get some food?” he asks. “There’s food at the house or I could go pick up something in town…”

  “I could come with you after my shower, if that’s okay.”

  “Of course.” He smiles at me.

  “Your dimple is dangerous,” I say quietly.

  “Oh yeah?”

  It dents in deeper as he tries to stop smiling.

  I fall back on my pillow and he laughs. As soon as he leaves the room, I get out of bed and shower. I throw on a long sweater and leggings. He’s not inside, so I step out and walk toward the house. And then I see him by the porch with Jess. It’s too far to hear anything, but I can tell they’re having words. She’s getting in his face and he turns away from her. He looks mad.

  I try to back up, but he sees me and starts walking toward me. Jess gives me a look and storms off toward the shop.

  “Lover’s quarrel?” I say with a side of snark. I feel bad immediately when his face drops.

  “Don’t start, Maby.”

  I lift an eyebrow.

  “I mean it. Don’t. I don’t want Jess. Period.” He rubs his face with one hand and looks at me out of the corner of his eye. “I can’t help it if she wants me,” he says and then presses his lips together.

  My eyes get huge. “Coen Brady!”

  He cringes. “I know. I know that was a jerk thing to say. It’s just … I’ve tried everything. She’s not getting the message!”

  “Well, sex usually makes people think you want to be with them,” I say snottily.

  He charges at me and before I know it, I’m over his shoulder. He’s smacking my butt and tickling me all at once.

  “Put me down!” I yell between hysterics.

  “Take it back!” he yells back.

  “What I said was true!”

  “I am not having sex with Jess!” he yells and then curses. “I am not having sex with Jess,” he says quietly when he puts me down. He leans down in my face. “And you know it.”

  I put my hands on my hips. “I have no rights over who you do or do not have sex with.”

  He pushes both hands off my hips and says, “No, you don’t.”

  I glare at him and he jumps toward me like he’s going to haul me over his shoulder again. I start laughing and double over.

  The door slams off of the front porch and Scott comes out and leans over the railing.

  “Hey, Maby,” he waves, “good to see you. When you guys get done discussing the lack of sex with Jess, wanna come get some food?”

  I go red and give Coen one more glare.

  He avoids looking at me, poking me in the side instead. “Yeah, we’ll be right in. Or we might go by the river and get something there … what do you think, Maby?” He finally turns to look at me.

  “We’ll be right in!” I tell Scott and hurry toward the house.

  Coen is on my heels all the way up the stairs of the porch, tickling me and laughing when I jump. I stop abruptly and he runs into me. He wraps his arms around me and gives me a hug, leaning his head down on my shoulder.

  “That’s more like it,” he says in my ear. “I’m not sleeping with anyone, Maby, just in case you wanted to know.”

  I let myself lean back into his hug for a moment and then we go inside.

  JANIE AND SCOTT give me huge hugs when I come in the house. Janie puts two more place settings on the table.

  “Jade’s not home?” I ask.

  “No, she had gigs all weekend,” Janie says.

  We sit down and pass dishes around. Janie looks at me and smiles.

  “It is so good to see you,” she says.

  I feel Coen shift next to me and look at him. He’s nervous.

  “You too,” I tell her with a smile.

  “Are you feeling any better? Coen says you’ve been exhausted.”

  He clears his throat and she looks at him. “Mom…” He gives a subtle shake with his head.

  “What? I’m just concerned. I’m not probing…”

  There’s a pregnant pause where the clank of the utensils against the dishes sounds extra loud. I get everything on my plate and then look around the table.

  “It’s okay,” I jump in. “I don’t know if Coen told you, but … he took me to the ER Friday night.” I take a dinner roll, my hand shaking as I slather butter on it. I plunge in anyway. “The thing is … I’ve been diagnosed with severe depression on top of OCD, and I’ve wanted to avoid having Coen, or any of you for that matter, deal with my mess. I’m taking medication and going to therapy, but I still have really bad bouts with it. Friday was the first time Coen’s ever really seen it. It’s so humiliating and I just … feel like I’m better off on my own because of it.” I look down at my plate and take a breath. “The doctor recommended that I do marijuana, which I’ve never tried, so Coen and I did some last night. I hope that’s okay to say.” Coen is staring at me with his mouth open. “And I’ve slept better the last two nights than I have since my mom died.” I look around the table and they’re hanging on my every word. “I really have enjoyed being here, every time I come, but I wouldn’t blame any of you for never wanting to see me again! I’m the first to admit that I’m crazy.” I pause and look at Coen. “Coen is really special to me—you all are—and I have wished I could just… protect him from … me.”

  Coen takes my hand and squeezes it.

  I dig into my food then. “Mmm, this roast is delicious.”

  Scott sets down his glass. “Thank you for being so honest, Maby. I think I can speak for all of us when I say that we really love it when you visit. You’re refreshing and … easy and pleasant to be around. As for crazy, that remains to be seen. I haven’t experienced your crazy side yet,” he laughs, “and whether you come back, that’s up to you. You know, I’ve always wished I could protect my kids from certain things and particular people, but … they make up their own minds. He’s an adult. What are you gonna do?” He holds his hands up. “I do know that Coen sure is happier when you’re here. Speaking of crazy … he seemed to lose a little touch of sanity when you disappeared on him.”

  I start laughing then and we all lose it. The nervous energy is high and we all laugh a little longer than normal.

  “Unbelievable,” Coen says when we’ve stopped. “Nothing is sacred with you people.”

  The conversation finally shifts t
o other topics and everyone breathes easier.

  Janie asks me all about the store and is excited with how well everything is going.

  “Running a store is highly stressful,” she says. “Don’t be too hard on yourself. And make sure you have plenty of help.”

  I nod. “I’ve got two employees who have helped so much,” I tell her.

  “I heard a little mention of Jess earlier,” Janie says with a smile. “I’m probably going to have to find someone else.” She shakes her head. “Her obsession with Coen is getting in the way of her work.”

  I look at Coen and he shrugs.

  “I tried to tell you,” he mouths.

  I roll my eyes and everyone laughs.

  We sit around the table for a long time and then clean the kitchen. I look at the clock and am surprised to see it’s almost time for dinner.

  “You ready to head back pretty soon?” Coen asks.

  “Not really, but … yeah.” I say. I feel heavy just thinking about going back to my apartment.

  ON THE RIDE home, I get quieter and quieter.

  “You okay?” Coen asks. He puts his hand on my shoulders and keeps watching the road.

  “Not ready to go back,” I tell him.

  “No? Why don’t you come stay with me for a while?”

  “Mmm, that probably wouldn’t be a good idea,” I say.

  “Why not?”

  I don’t answer. I look out the window and try to think of a reason. I can’t think of any, except the fact that I’m unpredictable and that should be enough.

  “What’s going on with you and Saul these days?”

  I look at him and he glances over at me, trying to read my face.

  “I told him I couldn’t be with him, but … we’ve been spending a lot of time together and … I don’t know. I’m trying to not let anything happen.”

  “What does that mean? Do you want something to happen?”

  I scrape the chipped polish off my nail. “I’m lonely.”

  “You’re lonely? What the hell do you mean, you’re lonely?” He sounds mad.

  “Don’t get angry with me. Yes, I’m lonely.”

  “So you’re gonna be with him because of that? Why can’t you be with me?”