Maybe Maby

  I hesitate for a moment. “Sure.”

  We agree to meet at a cafe a few blocks over after I get off.

  I text Coen to let him know I’ll be home late and that I’m meeting Saul.

  He’s quiet for a long time and then eventually he sends back a cryptic: K.

  Saul is in the cafe when I get there. I blow on my hands when I get inside.

  “Chilly?” he asks.

  “Yeah.” I hug him and sit down. We order and it takes a while before the conversation starts flowing.

  “So … you’re living with him?” he asks.

  “I’ve been staying there a few days,” I say.

  “So, living with him.”

  “Not exactly.” What is it with everyone and ‘living together’?

  “Things going well?” He stops eating and looks at me.

  “It’s too soon to tell, but … I really like him, Saul. I’ve been fighting a relationship for so long, but … he makes me think it could work. Maybe.”

  Saul leans back in his seat and then looks down at his food.

  “I can’t believe it,” he finally says. “I just … I thought it would be me. All this time. Even after you said you loved him before … I still thought it would be me.”

  “For a long time, I used to think so too,” I tell him.

  “I still wish it was me,” he says quietly. He looks at me and his eyes crinkle in a soft smile.

  I lean toward him. “You’ve been my best friend and you always will be,” I tell him. “I’ll always love you, Saul.”

  “It will be different though,” he says, taking my hand. “And if he hurts you, I will scalp him.”

  “Gross! Don’t get ahead of yourself. He doesn’t even know yet how I’m thinking.”

  “How could he not? You’re staying with him!” He scrunches his face at me.

  “We’re being friends. It’s all very high brow,” I tell him.

  He looks up at the ceiling. “Maybe it will be good to have a ‘normal’ girlfriend.”

  I reach over and twist his nipple until he yelps.

  COEN DOESN’T SAY much when I get to the apartment. I can’t tell if he’s upset or just quiet. He doesn’t ask me about my dinner with Saul and I don’t say anything about it.

  We’re getting ready for bed and I put on a tank top and shorts before we have a knock-down, drag-out as my grandma used to say. It doesn’t even get a reaction out of him. He crawls in bed beside me and turns out the light. I turn on my side and he curls into my back like he has the other nights. I close my eyes and realize that I didn’t feel the need for another worry hour. I thought for sure I would.

  “Maby?” he whispers.

  “What?”

  “I’m glad you came home tonight, that’s all.”

  My heart breaks a little that I hurt him. “You weren’t sure if I would?”

  “No, I wasn’t.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “We can talk about it tomorrow. It’s late. I just … had to say that.”

  “I wish I weren’t so complicated, Coen.”

  “Don’t say that. I don’t wish you were any different than you are. I love everything about you.”

  “I spent time in a mental hospital. Not much to love there.” Somehow it’s easier to say it in the dark.

  “You did? When?”

  His fingers lightly tickle my arm and I shiver. He hugs me tighter to him.

  “After my mom died.”

  “Were you close to Saul then?”

  “Yeah, but I had a boyfriend. He was cheating on me with one of my friends and when I got out of the hospital, he broke up with me.”

  “Asshole,” he mutters.

  “I hated him, but I also didn’t blame him for that. I was madder at him for cheating on me.”

  “How long were you in there?”

  “A week. But I get terrified that I’ll have to go back. I lost it in there.”

  “I’m surprised you don’t hate me for taking you to the ER.”

  “I know it was the right thing to do. I don’t blame you for that. It was scary, though.”

  “Can you tell when you’re getting bad?”

  “Most of the time.”

  He leans up on his elbow and runs his hand along my cheek. I look at him and in the moonlight, he looks like an angel. I think he might really be one sometimes.

  “Maby, promise me something.” He traces the outline of my face.

  I nod.

  “Promise me you’ll tell me when you feel even a hint of it coming on strong. Let me try to help. I’ll do whatever I can to keep you out of there.”

  A tear falls down my cheek. “Okay. I will.”

  “Thank you for telling me that.” He lays back down and continues stroking my arm until I fall asleep.

  I don’t remember having any bad dreams when I wake up the next morning.

  HE GETS UP early with me the next morning.

  “I’m going for a run. Wanna come?” he asks.

  I pause for a moment. “That sounds good…”

  He smiles. “You don’t sound very sure…”

  “Well, Dr. Still told me to allow an hour—or two if I need it—to worry as hard as I can. She wants me to do it all week.”

  “That seems … the opposite of what I’d think they’d be telling you. Oh! So is that what you were doing yesterday?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I didn’t start worrying about it until you were out with Saul last night. Thought maybe I should have paid more attention to that.”

  “No. Unrelated. I needed to let Saul know where things stood with us.”

  He nods. “Us, me and you? Or us, you and him?

  “Us, me and him.”

  He keeps nodding. “Okay…”

  “We’re friends and we’ll always be friends,” I tell him.

  He grins and his eyebrows crease in the middle. “Yeah, of course,” he says, nonchalantly, but his grin gets bigger. “So, do you need to worry now or do you want to run now, worry later?”

  “I’ll run now, worry later.”

  “Good plan.”

  I WORRY DURING my lunch hour. It actually works out great. I walk the neighborhood and get all the worrying out of the way, and the rest of the afternoon goes by so fast. When Coen picks me up from work, we stop by the store and get groceries.

  “Look at us, living together,” he says as we’re checking out.

  “We are not living together,” I say, but I have to turn away so he doesn’t see me smiling.

  “Mmm-hmm.”

  I try to pay and he won’t let me. He looks at the cashier and points at me.

  “Finally got her to move in with me,” he says proudly.

  “Aw, congratulations,” she says, smiling at us.

  “Thanks.” He smiles at her and then looks at me and laughs.

  I roll my eyes and he swats me on the rear end when we walk outside.

  I WAKE UP one morning the next week and he comes in carrying a breakfast tray. There’s a little dish with gardenias in it and a plate of pancakes and coffee.

  “Happy Birthday, Maby Armstrong.”

  “How did you know?” I sit up and try to smooth down my hair.

  He cringes. “Sorry … I had to look at your driver’s license when I took you to the hospital that night. And I kept thinking you’d bring up your birthday, but you never did. Had to take measures into my own hands…” he trails off.

  I look down at the beautiful tray he’s put together and up in his kind brown eyes. I lean my head back against the bed frame and the tears gush out.

  He picks up the tray and moves it to the end of the bed. He pulls me to him and I hold onto him for dear life.

  “I did the wrong thing,” he whispers. “I should have realized this was a hard day for you.”

  “You couldn’t have known it. You’re so good to me. I don’t deserve it.” I sniffle against his shirt. “I just … I miss my mom. She always made my birthday special.” I wipe my face
and lean back. “Don’t feel bad, please.”

  He looks out the window. “I can’t imagine, Maby. I’m so sorry.” He puts his hand on my arm. “I sorta asked Kara to work for you today. I know that was out of line, but … she was really glad to do something for you. I’m off work too. We could spend the day together … or you could have some time alone … whatever you need.”

  “No! I don’t need to be alone. I know that.”

  “Well, good thing you’re living with me, so you don’t have to be…” he whispers.

  I snort. “You never quit, do you?”

  “Nope.”

  “It’s Friday. Could we—what if we went to the barn?” I ask shyly.

  His eyes light up. “Does that sound good? Sure. Let’s do it.”

  We go by my apartment, so I can get a few sweaters and I end up getting enough clothes for the next month. I try to subtly pack it in a suitcase, so he doesn’t realize what I’m doing, but when I have two suitcases full and am still piling clothes on top of those, he quirks an eyebrow.

  “You realize we can move you in when we get back, right?”

  I flick him and he jogs away from me, his laughter echoing in the stairwell.

  WE STOP AND eat a leisurely lunch and he drives around the river for a while before we go to his house. He shows me where he went to school and points out some of his favorite places to hike. I’m starting to think he’s avoiding going home, when he finally starts heading down the familiar street to his house. There are extra cars parked outside the house when we get there.

  “It’s like there’s a party going on or something,” Coen says, parking behind a Ford Fusion.

  “Is that Jade’s car?”

  He smiles. “She is supposed to be here later.”

  We walk inside and a roomful of people yells, “Happy Birthday!”

  “What? I didn’t think—you didn’t have time to plan a party! How in the world?” I laugh. “I saw all the cars and it still didn’t register.”

  Paschal, Melissa, Melody, Jade, Scott and Janie. Katie and Todd are even there—I haven’t seen them since the night I met them, but they’re as sweet as ever.

  I hug everyone and Coen subtly hands me wet wipes as he pulls me aside to meet the one guy I don’t recognize. He seriously doesn’t miss a thing.

  “And this is James,” Coen says, sweeping his arm out to introduce us. “Kara will be here a little later, after she closes up.”

  “I can’t believe you did this!”

  “Well, it was convenient that you wanted to come here today, since I’d already planned on bringing you. We just showed up a little earlier than they thought we would.”

  “We didn’t get to decorate,” Jade pouts, “but this way we get more time with you.” She squeezes me.

  Melissa and Melody come stand by us.

  “It’s so fun to have everyone all in one place.”

  “You gonna cut the peppers tonight?” I hear Todd teasing Coen.

  My mouth drops and Coen’s head whips around to see if I heard. He looks apologetic and I laugh.

  Later, when we sit down to eat, he leans over and says, “Sorry ‘bout the peppers. It was too crazy—I had to warn someone of the dangers.”

  “Mmm-hmm,” I giggle, “I was just afraid your parents would hear Todd and somehow know. Nothing seems to get past them. Kinda like you with the wet wipes. How did you know I was desperate for them?”

  “I’d have to be blind not to notice the dozen times you used them on our first date.”

  “I’ve thought you were really into them, at your place and everything—which was really hot.”

  “I can be, if that does something for you.” Dimple. He kisses my hand and smiles. “Hey, I … should have invited Saul. It was selfish of me not to and … I’m sorry.”

  I shake my head and take a drink of the wine he sets in front of me. “Truthfully, it’s probably easier right now that he’s not. We’re gonna be fine, but it might be an adjustment with him for a while. And … I’m kinda glad to see you’re human for once, you selfish bastard.”

  He does a mock gasp and holds his hand up to his chest, wounded. Janie asks him to help her for a minute and he gets up. I look at Paschal, on the other side of me, and he mouths, “I’m in love with this family.”

  “I know. They’re perfect, aren’t they? I can’t even believe…”

  “You deserve to be right here in the big fat middle of this, Maby,” he says in my ear.

  I reach over and hug him.

  Coen comes out carrying carrot cake with candles, singing. Janie stands next to him and when everyone stops singing, my eyes blur over.

  “I’m gonna cry—what else is new?” I laugh.

  “Make a wish,” Janie says.

  “If this is a dream, I don’t want to wake up,” I look at Coen when I say it and his eyes shine like sparklers in the candlelight.

  “You’re beautiful,” he whispers. “Blow out your candles, love.”

  I blow them out and everyone cheers.

  THERE ARE A few presents, which I very awkwardly open. I’m loving having friends, but still not quite sure what to do with all the attention. I have a few places on my hands still from my manic washing/ER episode that I’m hoping are only conspicuous to me and not everyone else. There’s one bad cut that keeps getting reopened and I’m keeping it covered with a Hello Kitty Band-Aid. I thank everyone a million times, until Jade starts sticking the bows on me every time I say it.

  “I’ve saved your presents for later,” Coen says, handing me the last bag.

  Paschal jumps up. “Oh, that’s for you to open later too,” he says, through gritted teeth. He shakes his head, embarrassed. “I didn’t mean for that to get … mixed up with the rest.” He sits down and turns pink.

  “Well, that makes me want to know what’s in it really bad,” Coen says.

  Paschal waves. “Later,” he laughs.

  We hang out for a few hours in the living room. Jade pulls out her guitar after a while and sings. She talks Coen into singing with her on one and I’m shocked by his voice.

  “Tell him he needs to do a gig with me sometime, Maby!” she says.

  “You really do,” I tell him. “You sound so good together.”

  Later I try to hide a yawn and Coen notices.

  “You sleepy, birthday girl?”

  “I’m fine,” I say.

  He smiles at my choice of words.

  “I really am.”

  And I mean it.

  “SO THERE ARE more presents?” I tease when we get back to the barn.

  “Oh, here I thought you were too sleepy.” He puts his arms around my waist.

  “Nope.”

  “Okay, wait here.” He scoots me to the couch and I sit down. He comes back with two packages and something behind his back. “Which do you want to open first?”

  I point behind his back.

  He pulls it out and it’s a small Christmas star terrarium.

  “Coen, it’s beautiful,” I say in awe as he holds it up in the light. “How did you get that in inside?”

  “I had to work with toothpicks. It’s my first one. Sample run,” he kisses my cheek, “just like me.”

  I swallow and feel my insides mush together even more. I love him. I love him. I love him.

  He sets the star on the counter and then sits down on the coffee table in front of me and hands me the packages.

  “Just little somethings,” he says.

  “Thank you,” I whisper.

  “You’ve already thanked me plenty,” he whispers back. “Open!”

  The first package has a tiny glass pipe.

  “Ha!” I choke. “Pretty! You crack me up.”

  “James brought over a new batch too, if you want to try it out.” He motions over his shoulder.

  “I’m feeling too happy right now. I don’t even need it.”

  “Oh! Good to know.” He smiles. “And this is just … so you can stay out of my T-shirts,” he rolls his eyes, ??
?you know how I hate that.”

  “Psh, yeah, okay,” I say sarcastically. “You only force me into them at least twice a week.”

  “Hey, it’s the only way I can kind of see you naked, so I’ll take it,” he says. “Shit. Why am I giving you this?”

  “Give me that.” I snatch the bag out of his hands. Inside is a pair of satiny pajamas. Long sleeves, full coverage. I frown.

  “These are for a couple reasons. One is, it’s getting cold outside.” He points out the door. “I think it might snow early this year. Can’t have you chilled.”

  “And the other reason?”

  “You’re killing me with the shorts and tank tops.”

  I snicker and he leans up and kisses my forehead.

  “Happy Birthday, Maby. Why don’t you go put those on … right now?” He stands up and goes into the kitchen.

  I pick up my presents and see the bag from Paschal as I’m walking upstairs. I take my time putting things away. I think I hear Coen in the downstairs bathroom, maybe even in the shower. He’s constantly showering. I go brush my teeth and open the bag from Paschal while I’m still in the bathroom.

  The card inside says: For your inner vixen. XO, Paschal. P.S. Don’t make the poor guy wait any longer.

  It’s a black nightie. I put it on and good lord have mercy, vixen is a nice word for it.

  I don’t let myself think about what I’m about to do. I just open the door and step out. Coen is at the dresser, wearing pajama bottoms. His hair is wet and his chest is bare, drops of water still scattered across his shoulders. I watch the muscles in his back get taut as he stretches an arm up over his head and then the other, doing neck circles. He gives his hair a good shake and turns around.

  “Wha—!” he yells when he sees me standing there.

  I laugh and push my hair out of my eyes.

  “You … startled me,” he says. He moves closer, his eyes taking in every square inch of my body. When he reaches me, he takes my hand, turning me slowly around. “Maby,” his voice sounds raspy, “the surprise is on me.”

  I reach out and touch his chest, catching the water drops on my finger and then I stick my finger in my mouth and lick the water off.