A Kiss in the Dark

  PC Mason had come along for the ride too, and I was strangely glad to see a familiar face. He didn’t say much this time and he seemed a lot less nervous. He didn’t drop his hat once. Sergeant Tanaka asked what had happened to my hand; Mum had bandaged it up even though there was really no need. She used to do that when I was little too. One time I fell on my wrist in the three-legged race on sports day (Astrid’s fault entirely) and Mum made me a sling from a tea towel. I always liked that she took my injuries seriously, no matter how small they were. I told Sergeant Tanaka what had happened and she paused before saying that making tea could be a very dangerous business. Mum laughed nervously and said, ‘On that note, how about I risk my life to make us a brew?’ Polite laugher all round and the police officers accepted the offer. Builder’s tea for Sergeant Tanaka and Earl Grey for PC Mason. I didn’t want anything apart from a glass of water. My throat was so dry I had to keep clearing it, and every time I did that Sergeant Tanaka turned to look at me. I think she thought I was trying to catch her attention.

  While Mum made the tea, the three of us settled into our seats in the lounge. PC Mason sat in the same seat as last time, but Sergeant Tanaka sat next to me on the sofa. That meant that Mum would have to sit in the uncomfortable chair by the window – the antique one that looked more like an instrument of torture than anything else. She wouldn’t be able to hold my hand this time. The sergeant explained why they were here and that she would be recording the interview ‘if I didn’t mind’. I got the distinct impression that it didn’t matter whether I minded or not. She explained that she would be my main point of contact ‘going forward’ and that she hoped I’d feel free to ask her about anything I wasn’t sure about or any worries I might have.

  I glanced towards the half-open door before turning back to her. ‘I was … wondering about Alex. How is she …? I mean, have you seen …?’

  Another pause from her before she nodded. ‘I have seen her. But I think it’s best if we focus on you for the time being.’ Then she launched into the spiel about appreciating that this was difficult for me but she had to take my statement. She needed to hear what had happened ‘in my own words’, as if there was any chance I’d be able to borrow someone else’s for the occasion. Mum came back carrying a tray. She’d filled the mugs too full and tea had sloshed on to the tray so she had to rush back to get some kitchen roll to mop it up. I could tell she was annoyed about not getting to sit next to me but she couldn’t exactly do anything about it. Throughout the entire interview I could see her out of the corner of my eye, fidgeting and shifting in her seat.

  Sergeant Tanaka took out a tiny grey recording device and placed it on the coffee table in front of us. She put it on a coaster. Maybe she was worried the words I was about to pour into it would overflow and stain the table. They wouldn’t just stain it though – they would corrode it like acid. The lies would drip through and fizz on to the carpet below. They were so vicious and powerful they would go through the floorboards and reach the stone foundations of the house.

  While I’d been imagining my lies, Sergeant Tanaka had been speaking into the recording device, telling it the date and who was present etc. The voice she used was different from before – more clipped, slightly posher. She asked me to say (in my own words) what had happened between me and Alexandra Banks, then she sat back and looked at me expectantly. PC Mason was doing the opposite – sitting on the edge of his chair, pen poised above his notebook. I didn’t see the point of him taking notes, unless he was supposed to write down things that wouldn’t appear on the recording – my body language, perhaps. Of course, as soon as I thought about body language I became horribly aware of my posture (hunched) and my limbs (arms crossed in front of my chest). So I reached over to get my glass of water, took a sip, then made very sure to put my hands back in my lap. I straightened my spine a little too; I had nothing to be ashamed of. Then I ruined it all by giggling nervously. ‘Um … I’m not really sure where to start.’

  Sergeant Tanaka smiled kindly. ‘Why don’t you start at the beginning? Describe how you came to meet Miss Banks?’ I wished they would stop calling Alex ‘Miss’. It felt like they were reminding me of my stupidity.

  I was incredibly thirsty all of a sudden, even though I’d taken a sip of water a few seconds ago. My lips felt dry and chapped and my throat was scratchy. I wouldn’t allow myself to drink more water though – not for a couple of minutes at least. Surely there was a direct correlation between thirstiness and lying? If there wasn’t, there should be.

  After one last anxious glance over at Mum, I started talking. I got distracted every time PC Mason scratched away at his notepad. I’d never know if he was writing a detailed analysis of my speech patterns and body language or a shopping list of things to pick up at Asda on the way home. Sergeant Tanaka nodded occasionally, kept me on track when I veered off on to a tangent (which happened a lot – it’s hard to tell a story in a straight line sometimes). She asked questions, which were always ‘just to clarify’, even though it seemed to me that some of them were ‘just to be intrusive’. The sergeant seemed particularly interested in finding out who had suggested meeting up at the gig, and precisely why I’d thought Alex was a boy.

  I felt myself start to blush. ‘It was just obvious … from the way he talked about things, and from his profile picture. He was a boy. I mean, obviously it wasn’t obvious, because I was wrong, wasn’t I? But anyone else would have made the same mistake.’

  ‘And you definitely had no suspicions to the contrary?’

  ‘No.’

  That seemed like a satisfactory answer. Sometimes it was best to keep it short and sweet; there was less chance of tying yourself up in knots and getting confused. It made me uneasy that it sort of looked like I was the one who pursued Alex, but there was nothing I could do about that because it was true. Anyway, it was hardly as if I’d been some kind of sexual predator. They would never think that, surely?

  I skipped over the bit about our first kiss, but Sergeant Tanaka pulled me up again. She asked who’d made the first move. Seeing my discomfort, she apologized and said that it was really important for them to get a clear timeline of the ‘events’. I glanced over at Mum and she nodded and gestured with her hand for me to continue. She probably didn’t want to hear this any more than I wanted to say it. I admitted that I’d been the one to make the first move, cringing with embarrassment as I told them.

  Sergeant Tanaka nodded and paused for even longer than usual. ‘Would you say that was normal behaviour for you? Being … forward with boys?’

  ‘What? No! No. Not at all. I’ve never even … Alex was my first boyf … relationship.’

  ‘I’d have thought an attractive girl like you would have boys flocking around you.’

  That made me laugh out loud, but the laughter echoed round the room and by the time it came back to me it sounded bitter and angry. And I didn’t want the police to think I was bitter and angry, even though I had every right to be. Sergeant Tanaka and PC Mason were both waiting for me to elaborate. Apparently laughter doesn’t constitute a proper answer in this situation. Mum came to the rescue. ‘Kate has always been very busy with her piano playing. This … interest in the opposite sex – oh well, you know what I mean – is a fairly recent development.’

  ‘Thank you, Mrs McAllister, but could I ask you to remain silent while the interview is in progress? We really need to hear Kate’s side of the story.’ While she was saying this, Sergeant Tanaka gave a shrug and rolled her eyes at Mum, as if to say ‘What can you do? I don’t make the rules.’ Mum nodded and mouthed ‘Sorry!’ All eyes were back on me.

  ‘Um … boys have never really noticed me before, I suppose. And I haven’t been all that bothered. Like Mum said, piano practice keeps me really busy.’ I sounded like a pathetic loser.

  ‘But all that changed when you met Alex?’ I wasn’t sure if she was trying to imply something.

  ‘I suppose so. He was different.’ I almost expected one of them to laugh, but
that wouldn’t exactly have been professional. No one corrected me on using the wrong pronoun either. Perhaps they found it as hard as I did to remember that Alex was a girl.

  Sergeant Tanaka asked a lot of questions about where Alex and I used to spend time together, and whether I’d introduced him (her) to any of my friends. I told her about Astrid even though I didn’t see how it could possibly be relevant. I had to give her last name and address too. I just had to hope they weren’t going to talk to her. I couldn’t see why they’d need to – it wasn’t as if she was there when the sexual assault happened (didn’t happen).

  Finally, after I’d talked and talked and talked, the sergeant asked about the physical side of our relationship, specifically the day I’d been assaulted. I said our relationship didn’t have a physical side, other than kissing. I thought I detected a hint of scepticism in Tanaka’s eyes, which was sort of funny because I was actually telling the truth.

  ‘Have you had any previous sexual relationships?’ she asked.

  I shook my head, confused. ‘No, I told you. There was nothing before Alex. No one.’

  ‘I’m sorry, I know it must seem like we’re going over a lot of the same ground, but you have to understand that this is exactly what would happen in court.’ Would. She said would. Then she hurried on, ‘So, prior to meeting Alex Banks you had never been intimate with anyone else. Is that correct?’

  I nodded; she pointed at the recorder. ‘Yes,’ I said.

  ‘Can you tell me the date the alleged offence took place? I believe you weren’t sure when you talked to PC Mason?’ PC Mason nodded. He was allowed to nod. Alleged offence. She had to talk like that, I thought; Alex was innocent until proven guilty.

  I was ready for this question; I’d had time to think about it. Mum always kept last year’s calendar for at least six months, just in case she needed to refer to it. I’ve never seen her refer to it once, but I was glad to find it hanging behind the new one in the kitchen. I flicked through to November and tried to decipher Mum’s coded writing. She has a habit of writing things in shorthand, as if it’s just too much effort to write whole words. Pickings were slim for that month – Mum’s social life was almost as dire as mine. There was one Sunday afternoon towards the end of the month where she’d written ‘Aft Tea w/M’, which translated as ‘Afternoon tea with Mags’. Mags and Mum have embarked on this neverending, lifelong quest to find the perfect afternoon tea. Every couple of months Mum gets the train over to Glasgow or Mags gets the train here and they try a new place. Mags has even created a ratings system – that’s how seriously she takes her afternoon tea.

  I remembered this particular Sunday; Alex and I had gone to the cinema. I’d actually tried to convince him to come over to my house, knowing that Mum was going to be gone for hours, but he’d said he really wanted to see this film and it was one of the last showings. We’d held hands and eaten a mammoth tub of popcorn and shared a blue slushy drink that came with two straws. Our tongues turned blue. The film wasn’t very good and Alex apologized for dragging me along to see it. I didn’t mind though, because I was happy as long as he was happy.

  I did have a slight worry that Alex might be able to prove we’d been at the cinema that afternoon, but we hadn’t seen anyone we knew and it wasn’t as if we’d done anything to draw attention to ourselves. I didn’t think Alex would have kept the ticket (even though I’d kept mine). Anyway, it wasn’t like I had much choice in the matter – it was the only weekend day I could be sure Mum hadn’t been at home. It was the best I could do in a bad situation, but it was far from perfect.

  I told Sergeant Tanaka the date and she raised her eyebrows. ‘And now you’re absolutely sure of that?’

  ‘Yes, I checked because I knew it would be important.’ I explained about the calendar and how I’d invited Alex round because Mum would be out. I avoided looking over at Mum because she wasn’t exactly going to be happy about that.

  Sergeant Tanaka leaned forward in her seat. ‘Why were you so keen to invite Alex round when your mother wasn’t going to be home?’

  I was about to say something like ‘It’s obvious, isn’t it?’ which would have been disastrous. I’d have to be more careful with my choice of words without looking like I was weighing things up before I said them. ‘Um … I wanted us to spend some time together.’

  ‘And you couldn’t have done that with your mum here?’ Tanaka’s eyes were wide and bright and she asked the question in an innocent enough way, but I knew what she was doing. Mum did too because she said, ‘I’m sorry, I know I’m not supposed to be saying anything, but I’m not sure what you’re trying to imply here.’

  ‘I’m not trying to imply anything, Mrs McAllister. I’m merely trying to establish the facts, and make sure Kate is prepared for a potential court case. I’m afraid there are always difficult questions to be asked in these situations. It’s never easy.’ She looked like she felt bad about this, she really did. PC Mason was busy writing in his notebook. I was now almost certain he was writing a shopping list.

  Mum didn’t look convinced but she nodded and said it was fine for the interview to continue. A trace of a smile appeared and promptly disappeared on Sergeant Tanaka’s face. Mum was the only one in the room who didn’t seem to realize that it wasn’t up to her whether this interview continued or not.

  I tried again. ‘I wanted Alex and I to spend some time alone together. We always met up in town. I thought it would be nice to chill at home for a change.’ I’m almost certain that was the first time I’d ever said ‘chill’ in this context. ‘And … um … people don’t tend to want their mothers around in situations like that. It’s not exactly romantic.’

  ‘So you were hoping to have a romantic afternoon together? Would you say that’s fair?’

  I frowned, a little confused. ‘I suppose so.’

  Tanaka asked me to talk her through the afternoon. She seemed particularly interested in whose idea it had been to spend time in my bedroom. I said it had been Alex’s idea, and that I’d wanted to stay in the living room. ‘Why?’ asked Tanaka.

  ‘I didn’t want him … getting the wrong idea.’

  ‘Had Alex done anything to give you that impression? Had he been asking you to take things further … in your physical relationship?’

  I shrugged, wishing I’d thought this through better. I didn’t want to overplay it – subtlety was the key (I hoped). ‘Not really. I mean, maybe he’d been hinting sometimes. About wanting to go further. But I just pretended I didn’t notice. I was happy just being with him. I certainly wasn’t in any rush to … you know.’ A quick look over at Mum confirmed the approving nod I’d expected to see.

  Sergeant Tanaka nodded. ‘Could you describe what happened after you went into the bedroom?’ Her voice was softer now, coaxing almost.

  I took a deep, wavering sort of breath. Then I told her a story.

  chapter thirty-six

  We were sitting on the bed watching a film on my laptop. Alex had closed the curtains and turned off the light – to keep the glare off the screen, he said. It was just like being in the cinema, he said. After a few minutes he started stroking my arm, kissing my neck. He closed the laptop and suggested we lie down for a bit. I didn’t really want to but I went along with it anyway. We kissed and it was nice. I didn’t think there was anything to worry about – not then. After a while, Alex suggested I take my top off. I said no, obviously, but he kept on about it, saying he just wanted to see me. I said he wasn’t going to be able to see anything – the room was pitch-black because of my blackout blinds. He said he wasn’t going to do anything so eventually I let him take my top off. I kept my bra on though. That was non-negotiable. I let him touch my breasts on top of my bra. That seemed to be enough for him for a little while. Then his hand started going lower and lower and each time it did I took it and moved it back up again. I think it was some kind of game to him. ‘Let me touch you,’ he said. ‘I just want to make you feel good.’ I said no. More than once. He behaved for a mi
nute or two but then the hand was back, rubbing my crotch through my jeans. And I … I let him continue – just for a few seconds. I know I shouldn’t have but I did and I regret it. I didn’t really notice him unbuttoning my jeans but he must have done because before I knew what was happening his hand was inside my underwear. I said ‘No’ again, more forcefully, but he didn’t listen. I tried to move his hand but he was stronger than I was, and he was on top of me and suddenly the weight of him made it hard for me to breathe. I struggled and tried to push him off me, but he took my hands and pinned them above my head. He was strong. ‘Please! I don’t want to. Please. Stop it. Stop it!’

  ‘Shhh. It’s OK … Don’t worry about it. It’s OK. Just relax and enjoy it.’

  ‘No … please. I don’t want to …’

  Then he put his fingers inside me and it really hurt. He seemed to be in a hurry all of a sudden and he was ramming his fingers in and out and I was crying but he said it would stop hurting in a minute, I just needed to get used to it but I didn’t get used to it and it hurt so much and I just kept saying no no no, begging him to stop but he didn’t. He kept kissing my neck, murmuring words that were meant to reassure me but didn’t.

  Then he stopped and rolled off me. I was still crying. I covered myself with my T-shirt but didn’t put it on.

  ‘Oh my God, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I’m sorry oh God I didn’t mean to …’ He started to cry. I turned on the light. He sat on the edge of the bed with his back to me, his shoulders heaving as he sobbed. I stopped crying. I don’t know how long we stayed like that before he turned to look at me. He reached out and touched my hand. ‘Kate … I’m so sorry. I can’t even begin to … I don’t know what I was thinking. Kate? Say something, please?’ I said nothing; it was hard to even look at him.

  He kept crying and apologizing over and over again. And after a while I started to listen. He looked so devastated by what had happened. He apologized some more and after a little while more I started to believe him. Even later on I started to feel sorry for him. I let him hold me and we lay on the bed. ‘Can you ever forgive me? I’ll understand if you can’t. Just tell me to leave and I’ll never contact you again, I promise.’