Weed

  Chapter 47

  I felt miserable. It had been chilly and rainy for days, changing to a light snowfall, and I seemed to have caught a cold. Henderson had left. Boone hadn't been around for days, although Charles said that he called every day to check the local situation, but Hairy Hans, the ape-man, hadn't made an appearance. The other Oerschott, the one in Atlanta, hadn't made an appearance either.

  It was evening and I was sipping coffee, hot and black and lying on the couch in my bedroom, covered in a heavy blanket. I had slept most of the evening and was slightly groggy. Then the doorbell rang. I glanced at the clock on my nightstand. It was 11:30 p.m. and I couldn't imagine who would be calling at this hour. Charles, Josey and Penny would be in bed, as was their custom. Charles always was a early-to-bed-early-to-rise type and Josey seemed to sleep most of the time. Although Charles would tuck Penny into bed before he retired, she was often up and down much of the night. I was considering whether I should bother to answer the bell when I noticed the small video screen flash on the nightstand. A narrow ribbon of light appeared then vanished on the monitor.

  "Shit," I groaned. It wasn't the doorbell at all. Somebody, maybe Hans, had entered the basement through the window and the warning bell had sounded. I jumped up from the couch and ran to the bed, staring intently at the screen. The ribbon of light appeared again on the monitor. It was light streaming through the basement window as the plywood panel opened and closed. I could make out a dark shape climbing awkwardly through the window. "Shit! Hans has arrived!" I said to no one in particular.

  I looked around for a weapon. Nothing. Shit! Had I planned for this? Was I completely inept? I thought of waking the household. Four humans versus one ape? Josey! Three humans plus an ape against one ape! I ran to the door and down the hall to Josey's room, flinging her bedroom door wide open and banging the light switch. The room was flooded in light, but Josey wasn't there! Shit!

  I ran to Charles' room. Empty! Then to Penny's. Nobody was there! What the hell was going on? Was I alone in the house … with a gorilla wandering the basement?

  "Steady, Fran," I whispered to myself. "You're at least two inches taller than Hans and a helluva lot smarter and … and he was always fascinated by a show of thigh and bust and …"

  I threw off my nightgown and ran naked down the hall, taking the stairs two at a time. At the door to the basement I paused for only a moment, then ran to the kitchen and grabbed a cleaver. I had watched Charles chop vegetables for Chinese stir fry and felt it could serve equally well for chopping hairy apes, if need be. I ran again to the cellar door, opening it slowly then descended the stairs one small step at a time, my cleaver held high above my head.

  It was dark and there wasn't a sound when I paused at the bottom of the stairs. The plywood panel over the window was closed. I should have turned on the lights at the top of the stairs. I reached for the cord which hung from the ceiling and pulled. A single naked light bulb flickered on. Naked. I felt naked. I was naked. Was that really a good idea, standing naked before a hairy ape? I stared into the shadows, at the bed where Penny had slept while hiding in the basement. A black shape moved. I backed up one stair, then two.

  "Fan?" It was a weak voice. "Fan?" It was Hans, on the bed. "Col'," he said.

  "Cold?" I asked, my voice cracking. "Damn right, cold. Rain, cold, bloody awful weather we're having." Talking about the weather? Was this normal conversation, for ape chat?

  "I got a bloody awful cold," I said in my most customary and placid voice. "Got one too?" I asked.

  "Col'," he said. "Peese hep."

  "Sure, Hans. I’ll get the aspirin. You can pop a few. Then we can sit and chat, okay?"

  I was about to turn and run up the stairs, when there was a growl from the corner of the basement. Hans rolled out of bed and stood, waiting, his teeth flashing in the dim light. A second black hulk staggered into the light.

  "You look pretty sexy, Fran."

  It was Josey and she, too, was naked—in a hairy sort of way. I watched as she approached Hans. Shit. This could be dangerous. I stepped down the stairs and slipped in beside Josey. If Hans attacked, I would be ready with my cleaver.

  "Lordy, Hans, you're lookin' good," Josey said, walking steadily toward Hans, with an exaggerated swagger. I fell behind. No way I was going to be a part of some gorilla orgy. "C'mon HairyBunch, take a peek at this." Josey spread her arms and legs and stood like some bronze sculpture. "Case ya don't know, it's apa-noshu. Perfection. Take a bite."

  Hans had been growling. Now he was whimpering and moving slowly toward Josey, arms outstretched. I watched in awe, my cleaver slowly dropping to my side. They embraced, each grunting, snorting, pawing. Josey spun about and presented her backside. Hans howled and mounted. I was watching some National Geographic special. I would willingly have traded my cleaver for a video camera. I crept to the stairs, not to run, but to acquire a ringside seat. I sat. Hans erupted in a series of short grunts. Josey moaned. I almost cried. I rose to place my hands upon the backs of the two lovers. It was really quite touching.

  Just then the basement exploded in brilliant light and I heard voices at the top of the stairs and Charles and Boone were standing there, wide-eyed. Boone held a revolver in his hand. The apely orgasm continued unabated. I looked down at my nakedness. The scene was out of some psychedelic Tarzan movie. Two apes, screwing. One naked lady with a hand upon each, blessing the consummation.

  "Well done, Miss Fleetsmith," I could hear Boone say. "I think y'all have them in your grasp, now. If'n y'all could finish the laying on o' hands and git their attention, mebbe we could all adjourn to the settin' room and talk a bit and—"

  Hans looked up, screamed, withdrew and leaped onto the bed then through the window, splitting the plywood panel into splinters. Josey was still leaning at a forty-five degree angle. She looked in my direction, her beady eyes twinkling.

  "Lordy, lordy," she moaned. "You're next, Miss Fran."

  I was still standing naked as though giving benediction, one hand upon Josey's back, one suspended in air. I could hear Boone laughing. I was freezing … and didn't see anything particularly funny.