The Gravity of Us

  What lasted for minutes felt like hours. The room spun as Graham got hit, and Rebecca got hurt, and it wasn’t until both lay there still, not trying to fight back, that it finally stopped. They took the hits and punches, and stayed quiet until Kent grew tired of it all. He wandered off to his office where he slammed his door and probably found some more whisky.

  Rebecca wrapped her arms around Graham the second Kent was gone, and she let him fall apart in her arms. “It’s okay,” she told him.

  He knew better than to believe such a thing.

  Late into that night, Rebecca stopped by Graham’s room. He was still awake, sitting in the darkness of his room, staring at the ceiling.

  When he turned her way, he saw her in her winter coat and boots.

  Behind her was a suitcase.

  “No,” he said, sitting up. He shook his head. “No.”

  Tears rolled down her cheeks, which were bruised from the hands of darkness. “I’m so sorry, Graham.”

  “Please,” he cried, running over to her and wrapping his arms around her waist. “Please don’t go.”

  “I can’t stay here,” she told him, her voice shaking. “My sister is waiting outside, and I just wanted to tell you face to face.”

  “Take me with you!” he begged, tears falling faster and faster as the panic of her leaving him with the darkness set in. “I’ll be good, I swear. I’ll be good enough for you.”

  “Graham.” She took a deep breath. “I can’t take you…you’re not mine.”

  Those words.

  Those few and hurtful words cracked his heart in half.

  “Please, Rebecca, please…” He sobbed into her shirt.

  She pulled him back a few inches and bent herself down so they were eye level. “He told me if I take you, he’ll send his lawyers. He told me he’d fight. I have nothing, Graham. He had me quit my job years ago. I signed a prenup. I have nothing.”

  “You have me,” he told her.

  The way she blinked and stood up told him he wasn’t enough.

  In that moment, the young boy’s heart began to freeze.

  She walked away that evening and never looked back. That night Graham sat at his window, staring out at where Rebecca had driven off, and he felt sick to his stomach as he tried to understand. How could someone be there for so long and then just let go?

  He stared at the road covered in snow. The tire tracks were still on the ground, and Graham didn’t take his eyes off them once.

  Over and over again in his head, three words repeated.

  Please don’t go.

  His eyes were swollen when he walked back into the waiting room. Karla and Susie wandered off to find coffee, and Graham gave Mary a fake smile and a quick hug before she went to visit Ollie.

  “Hey.” I stood up and walked over to him. “Are you okay?”

  He grimaced, his stance strong, but his eyes so heartbroken. “If anything happens to him…” He swallowed hard and lowered his head. “If I lose him…”

  I didn’t give him a chance to say another word. I wrapped my arms around him as his body started to shake. For the first time, he let himself feel, let himself hurt, and I was there to hold him close.

  “What can I do?” I asked, holding him closer. “Tell me what I can do.”

  He placed his forehead against mine and closed his eyes. “Just don’t let go. If you let go, I’ll run. I’ll let it overtake me. Please, Lucille, just don’t let go.”

  I held him for minutes, but it felt like hours. Against his ear, I softly spoke. “Air above me, earth below me, fire within me, water surround me, spirit becomes me…” I kept repeating the words, and I felt his emotions overtake him. Each time he felt himself slipping, he held my body closer, and I refused to let him go.

  It wasn’t long until Talon woke up in her car seat and started fussing. Graham slowly let go of me and walked over to his daughter. When her eyes met his, she stopped her fussing and she lit up as if she’d just met the greatest man alive. There was complete love in her eyes, and I saw it happen—the moment of relief she had delivered to her father. He lifted her up into his arms and held her close. She placed her hands on his cheeks and started babbling, making noises with that same beautiful smile that matched her father’s.

  For that one moment in time, for that small second, Graham stopped hurting.

  Talon filled his heart with love, the same love he had once believed didn’t even exist.

  For that one moment in time, he seemed okay.

  Mary decided to wait to see if things changed. She lived those weeks with a knot in her stomach, and Graham stayed by her side throughout it all. He showed up at her house with food, forcing her to eat, and forcing her to sleep when all she wanted to do was stay in the waiting room at the hospital.

  Waiting for a change.

  Waiting for a miracle.

  Waiting for her husband to come back to her.

  Karla called me when it came time to make the toughest decision of her family’s life. When we arrived at the hospital, the light in the hallway flickered repeatedly, as if it were going to die any moment.

  The chaplain walked into the room and we all stood around Ollie, our hands joined together as we prepared for our final goodbyes. I wasn’t certain how anyone would come back from a loss like this. I’d only known Ollie for such a short period of time, but I knew he’d already changed my life for the better.

  His heart was one that was always filled with love, and he’d be missed forever.

  After the chaplain’s prayer, he asked if anyone had any final words to say. Mary couldn’t speak as the tears flowed down her cheeks. Karla’s face was wrapped in Susie’s shoulder, and my lips refused to move.

  Graham held us all up. He became our strength. As words flowed from his soul, I felt the squeezing of my heart. “Air above me, earth below me, fire within me, water surround me, spirit becomes me.”

  In that moment, we all began to crumble into the realm of nothingness.

  In that moment, a part of each of us left with Ollie’s soul.

  Everyone was gone. Mary, Karla, and Susie had left to deal with the next steps, and I knew I should’ve gone with them, but I couldn’t force myself to move. I stood still in the hospital hallway with the flickering light. His room had been emptied, and there wasn’t anything else that could be done. He was gone. My professor. My hero. My best friend. My father.

  Gone.

  I hadn’t cried. I hadn’t processed it at all.

  How was it possible for this to be the outcome? How could he fade so fast? How could he be gone?

  Footsteps were walking in my direction, nurses moving on to their next patients, doctors checking in on those who still had a pulse, as if the world hadn’t just stopped spinning.

  “Graham.”

  Her voice was deep, drenched in pain and sorrow. I didn’t look up to see her; my head wouldn’t turn away from the room where I had just said my final goodbye.

  “He was right,” I whispered, my voice shaky. “He thought if I knew about his heart, if I knew he was about to die at any moment, I would’ve run. I would’ve been selfish, and I would’ve left him, because I would’ve closed myself off. I wouldn’t have been able to mentally deal with him dying. I would’ve been a coward.”

  “You were here,” she said. “You were always here. There was nothing cowardly about you, Graham.”

  “I could’ve talked him into the surgery, though,” I argued. “I could’ve convinced him to fight.”

  I stopped speaking. For a moment, it felt as if I were floating, as if I were in the world, but no longer a part of it, floating high in disbelief, denial, guilt.

  Lucy parted her lips as if she were going to offer some kind of comfort, but then no words came out. I was certain there weren’t any words that could make this better.

  We stayed still, staring at the room as the world kept moving on around us.

  My body started to tremble. My hands shook uncontrollably at my sides as my heart c
aved into my chest. He’s gone. He’s really gone.

  Lucy lowered her voice and whispered, “If you need to fall, fall into me.”

  Within seconds, gravity found me. Every sense of floating was gone, every sense of strength no longer mine. I began to descend, faster and faster, crashing down, waiting for the impact to hit, but she was there.

  She was right beside me.

  She caught me before I hit the ground.

  She became my strength when I could no longer be brave.

  “She’s finally sleeping, though she put up quite the fight.” Lucy’s eyes were heavy, as if she were exhausted but forcing her eyes to stay open. “How are you feeling?” she asked, leaning against my office doorframe.

  I’d been sitting at my desk, staring at my blinking cursor for the past hour. I wanted to write, wanted to escape, but for the first time in my life, there were truly no words to be found. She grew closer to me and placed her hands on my shoulders. Her fingers started kneading into my tense shoulder blades, and I welcomed her touch.

  “It’s been a long day,” I whispered.

  “It’s been a very long day.”

  My eyes moved over to the windows, watching the rain falling outside. Sheets of water pounded against the exterior of my home. Professor Oliver would’ve rolled his eyes at the coincidence of rain on the day he passed away. What a cliché.

  I shut off my computer.

  No words were going to come that night.

  “You need to sleep,” Lucy told me. I didn’t even disagree. She reached out for my hands, and I allowed her to take them. She pulled me up and walked me to my room so I could try to shut my eyes for some rest.

  “Do you need water? Food? Anything?” she asked, her eyes filled with concern.

  “There is one thing.”

  “Yeah? What can I do for you?” she asked.

  “Stay with me. Tonight, I just…” My voice cracked, and I bit the inside of my cheek to hold back the emotion. “I don’t think I can be alone tonight. I know it’s a weird thing to ask, and you are free to go, of course, it’s just…” I took a deep breath and slid my hands into the pockets of my slacks. “I don’t think I can be alone tonight.”

  She didn’t say another word. She simply walked over to the bed, turned down the blanket, and lay down. Lucy’s hand patted the spot beside her and I walked over, lying down beside her. It started slow, our fingers moving closer to one another. I shut my eyes and tears started falling down my cheeks. Then, somehow our fingers locked, Lucy’s warmth slowly filling up my cold heart. Then, her body inched closer and closer. My arms somehow found their way around her, and as I lay there holding her close, I allowed sleep to find its way to me.

  Oh, how badly I needed someone to stay that night.

  I was so thankful it was her.

  When the day came for Ollie’s funeral, there were not nearly as many people as there’d been at the last funeral I’d attended; it was nothing like Kent’s service. We stood in an open field, surrounded by nature, in the place where he’d proposed to Mary many moons ago. She said it was the day her life began, and it only seemed right to go back there to absorb that same love she’d felt years ago.

  And oh, there was love. So, so much love showed up for Ollie, including former students, colleagues, and friends. Although the space wasn’t packed with reporters, fans, or cameras, it was filled with the only important thing in the world: love.

  Everyone made sure to comfort Karla and Mary to the best of their ability, and the two were never alone. As the service went on, there were tears, laughter, and stories filled with light and love.

  The perfect tribute to a perfect man.

  When the pastor asked if anyone would like to share words, it only took Graham a second to rise from his seat. My eyes locked with him as he handed Talon over to me.

  “A eulogy?” I whispered, my heart racing fast. I knew how hard something like this would be for Graham.

  “Yes.” He nodded. “It might not be any good.”

  I shook my head slowly and took his hand, squeezing it lightly. “It will be perfect.” Each step he took to the podium was slow, controlled. Everything about Graham had always been controlled. He almost always stood tall, never wavering back and forth. As my eyes stayed glued to him, my stomach tightened when I saw him stumble a bit. He grabbed the podium and refocused his stance.

  The space was silent and all eyes were on him. I could smell the lilacs and jasmine surrounding us as the wind blew through them. The earth was still wet from all the rain we’d received over the past few days, and whenever the air brushed past, I could almost taste the moisture. My eyes didn’t move from Graham. I studied the man I had learned to quietly love as he prepared to say goodbye to the first man who ever taught me what love was meant to look like.

  Graham cleared his throat and loosened his slim black tie. He parted his lips, looking down at his sheets of paper, which were filled with words front and back. Once more, his throat was cleared. Then, he tried to speak. “Professor Oliver was a…” His voice cracked, and he lowered his head. “Professor Oliver…” His hands formed fists on the podium. “This isn’t right. You see, I wrote this long speech about Oliver. I spent hours upon hours crafting it, but let’s be honest, if I turned this paper in to him, he would call it complete shit.” The room filled with laughter. “I’m certain many of the people here have been his students, and one thing we all know is that Professor Oliver was a hard-ass when it came to grading papers. I received my first F on a paper from him, and when I challenged him about it in his office, he looked at me, lowered his voice, and said, ‘Heart.’ I didn’t have a clue what he was talking about, but he gave me a tiny smile and repeated, ‘Heart.’ I later realized he meant that was what was missing from my paper.

  “Before his classes, I had no clue how to put heart into a story, but he took the time to teach me what it looked like—heart, passion, love. He was the greatest teacher of those three subjects.” Graham picked up his pieces of paper and ripped them in half. “And if he were to grade this speech of mine, he’d fail me. My words speak on his achievements in his career. He was an amazing scholar and received numerous awards that recognized his talents, but that’s just fluff.” Graham chuckled, along with other students who’d had Ollie as a professor. “We all know how Oliver hated when people added extra fluff to their papers to reach the required word counts. ‘Add muscle, not fat, students.’ So now, I’ll just add the strongest muscle—I’ll add the heart. I’ll tell you the core of who Professor Oliver was.

  “Oliver was a man who loved unapologetically. He loved his wife and his daughter. He loved his work, his students, and their minds. Oliver loved the world. He loved the world’s flaws, he loved the world’s mistakes, he loved the world’s scars. He believed in the beauty of pain and the glory of better tomorrows. He was the definition of love, and he spent his life trying to spread that love to as many people as he could. I remember my sophomore year, I was so mad at him. He gave me my second F, and I was so pissed off. I marched straight to his office, barged in uninvited, and right as I was about to shout at him for this outrageous issue, I paused. There he was, sitting at his desk crying with his face in the palms of his hands.”

  My stomach tightened as I listened to Graham’s story. His shoulders drooped, and he tried his best to hold himself together as he continued speaking. “I’m the worst person in those situations. I don’t know how to comfort people. I don’t know how to say the right things—that was normally his job. So, I just sat. I sat across from him as he sobbed uncontrollably. I sat and allowed him to feel his world falling apart until he could voice what was hurting him so deeply. It was the day one of his former students committed suicide. He hadn’t seen the student in years, but he remembered him—his smile, his sadness, his strength—and when he learned that the student passed away, Ollie’s heart broke. He looked at me and said, ‘The world’s a little darker tonight, Graham.’ Then he wiped away his tears and said, ‘But still, I must b
elieve that the sun will rise tomorrow.’”

  Tears flooded Graham’s eyes, and he took a beat to catch his breath before continuing, speaking directly to Ollie’s family. “Mary, Karla, Susie, I tell stories for a living, but I’m not very good with words,” he said softly. “I don’t know what I can say to make any sense of this. I don’t know what the meaning of life is or why death interrupts it. I don’t know why he was taken away, and I don’t know how to lie to you and tell you everything happens for a reason. What I do know for a fact is that you loved him, and he loved you with every ounce of heart that he possessed.

  “Maybe someday that fact will be enough to help you through each day. Maybe someday that fact will bring you peace, but it’s okay if that day’s not today, because it’s not that day for me. I don’t feel peace. I feel cheated, sad, hurt, and alone. All my life I never had a man to look up to. I never knew what it meant to be a true man until I met Professor Oliver. He was the best man I’ve ever known, the best friend I’ve ever had, and the world’s a lot darker tonight because he’s gone. Ollie was my father,” Graham said, tears freely falling down his cheeks as he took one final deep breath. “And I will forever be his son.”

  For the past few nights, I’d been sharing a bed with Graham. He seemed to be more at peace when he wasn’t alone, and all I wanted was for him to find a little bit of peace. The May rain showers had been coming down heavily, and it was our background music as we fell asleep.

  One Sunday morning, I woke up in the middle of the night due to the sound of thunder, and I rolled over in the bed to see that Graham was missing. Climbing out of bed, I went to see if he was with Talon, but once I reached her nursery, I saw she was sleeping calmly.

  I walked throughout the house searching for him, and it wasn’t until I stepped into the sunroom that I saw a shadow in the garden. I quickly tossed on my rain boots and grabbed an umbrella, walking outside to see him. He was soaked from head to toe with a shovel in his hands.