The War Journals: Resistance

Of all the cruel scenarios that life had thrust upon us, by far the most agonizing was waiting day after day praying to god that Connor would regain control of his body. For two grueling weeks he made no more progress, aside from rarely moving his eyes and an occasional half mumbled word.

  Every day we hovered over him like a swarm of flies, tending to his needs. Trying fruitlessly to help him move a finger, an arm, anything. At first it seemed like all of our efforts would be in vain, nothing was helping. Johann spent hours applying electrodes to shock muscles and nerve groups, hoping his body would take over at some point.

  It pains me to admit that I was terrified that he would regain function. I couldn't sleep at night imaging the possibilities of what he would do once he could move again. I knew on some primal level that I would lose him again, and I could not bear the thought.

  The conversation with my parents had kept replaying over and over in my mind. What if we could leave? Could we just walk away? Connor had been ready to propose and I wanted so badly to spend the rest of my life with him, but the thought of waking up every morning wondering if he had died on a mission was excruciating.

  My days were beginning to run together, I hadn't sleep well in nearly a week. I wasn't even sure what month it was anymore. The middle of October I think, or maybe it was still September. I didn't know. Jesse had been spending a lot of time with JoAnne, it was really helping him to step back from the anger he still held over what had happened to him in the past few months. Between JoAnne, his classes with Jeanine, and the time he had been spending with the Recon teams I hardly saw him. I was lonely. Sombers had taken a liking to him, he treated him like he would his own son, which of course meant that he pushed him harder. He was fast becoming a young man.

  It must be October, I thought to myself, the leaves were starting to change and the air had become brisk. It would be raining almost daily soon. Never too hard, just a constant drizzle. The lake had already become too cold to swim in, not that I did. It sounds silly, but I had a fear of being bit by a fish or something.

  “What day is it?” I asked Jeanine as we were having our morning coffee.

  “It's Tuesday honey,” she said laughing at me. “You need some sleep, I can fix you up some herbal tea later, if you'd like.”

  “That would probably be a good idea,” I said “But I mean, what's the date? I can't remember for the life of me.”

  “Time has just been going by so quickly lately,” She said “It's the 12th of October, you've been here near four months now, can you believe it?”

  “No, not at all.” I said taking a deep breath over my coffee. Her french press made the most amazing cup of black coffee, somehow it pulled all of the woody, natural flavors out.

  “You know, I think those two are in love,” She said grinning, referring to Jesse and JoAnne “I'm so happy, they're such good kids”

  “I am too,” I said, glad he was able to have some kind of normality, “She's a godsend, he's calmed down so much since she came.”

  “Oh, honey, I know,” she replied, “I remember Johann saying he was worried about his blood pressure, a seventeen year old, how does that happen?”

  “I worry about him,” I said finishing my drink, “He's been through a lifetime worth of stress in only a few months.”

  “I wonder where Johann is this morning?” Jeanine asked

  “You know, he probably fell asleep in Connor's room.” I said laughing, “He spends every hour of every day in there, he's becoming obsessed.”

  “He tends to do that sometimes,” She said as we walked outside, headed to Johann's “He never gives up on his patients, normally doctors detach themselves, but not him. That's what makes him such an amazing physician, he cares.”

  “We would have probably lost Jesse and Connor both without him.”

  “I think he needs it,” she said “it helps him when he's working with a patient. He was in such a stupor after his partner died, like he had lost his way and was just stumbling through life. So now, he applies himself like this in order to fill that void, so that he feels needed.”

  “Told you so,” I said as we walked in to find Johann asleep in a chair, with some kind of medical magazine clutched like a teddy bear. “We should probably get him into bed.”

  “His back is going to be killing him later.” She said shaking her head. “Come on old man, let's get you up stairs.”

  “Oh, no no no, I have work to do,” He said groggily looking for his glasses.

  “Johann Sebastian Brier, you get your butt upstairs right now. It's not like he's going anywhere.” She said as we led him off, he begrudgingly complied, shuffling his feet like a chastised child. We were halfway up the stairs when the life support alarms went off. Jeanine looked terrified as we all raced back toward the room, a crash coming from inside.

  Johann slipped and started to fall as he rushed into the door, I barely caught his arm keeping him from landing on a broken glass. Jeanine slammed into me as I helped him to his feet and he all tumbled onto the small couch on the other side of the bed.

  “eh heh heh” I heard Connor coughing. As Johann silenced the alarms we realized he was laughing at us, but it was choking him. His right arm was hanging to his side, off the bed and he had pulled off the oxygen mask.

  “Sit him up, quickly” Johann said, as he started to take his pulse. “Jeanine, dear hand me the stethoscope.”

  “Morning,” he choked out as we sat him upright. He tried to grab a hold of my hand, but he couldn't get his arm up far enough.

  “Just relax, baby” I said taking his hand and running my other through his hair.

  “Who are these klutzes?” He asked still laughing at our entrance.

  “My name is Dr. Johan Brier,” Johann said “and it is very nice to finally meet you.”

  “This is Jeanine,” I said as she handed the doctor his stethoscope, “Jesse and I have been staying with her since we got here.”

  “I think he needs some water, Liz.” Johann said as Connor was gumming trying to talk.

  “I knocked it over.” he said referring to the broken glass we had slipped on.

  “Dear, there are some plastic cups above the sink.” He said and I ran off to grab him a glass.

  “Where is here?” Connor asked after he had gulped down the water. “What happened?”

  “What do you remember last?” Johann asked him, still running through his vitals.

  “It's all blurry,” He said slowly, “I think someone kicked me in the face.”

  “You lost a lot of blood, young man,” Johann told him, “It caused you to have a stroke and when you arrived at my door step you were clinically dead. You may experience some trouble with your memory because of that.”

  “I died?”

  “For a while, yes.” Johann said “You looked like you had been used for target practice.”

  “Jesus,” He said “can those guys do anything right?”

  “I'm sorry, I’m not sure what you mean.”

  “The assholes who tried to kill me.” he said carefully forming each word. “They aren't very good at it.”

  “I'm glad to see your humor is still intact.” he told Connor, and then to Jeanine, “Could you go let the medics know that they have the day off? I don't want him crowded.”

  “Bye..” Connor said with a little wave as she left, he seemed loopy.

  “Tell me Connor, what do you feel right now?”

  “Slightly confused.”

  “No son, your body.” He said laughing, “Are you in pain?”

  “I can't feel my arm.” he said letting go of my hand. “I see it moving, but I can't feel anything in it and everything else just hurts.”

  “In what way?”

  “It feels like I jumped on a grenade.”

  “I'm pretty sure you did at some point,” I said with a kiss on his forehead.

  “Well, I guess that explains a lot.” He said, “How
do you feel?”

  “Remember on our first date, when you took me hiking?” I asked him, he nodded “and when we got to the top of the hill there was that incredible view of Multnomah Falls, then you just grabbed me and kissed me for the first time?”

  “Yes, I planned that for a long time.”

  “That's how I feel right now, Connor.” I said tears springing into my eyes. “Like nothing in the world can take this feeling away from me because I have you here.”

  “Careful, your gonna make the doctor cry.” He said, tears in his own eyes.

  “It's true,” he said with a pause, “I am nothing more than a sentimental old man.”

  “Can you pull me up more?” He asked, “I want to sit upright.”

  “Of course, let's go slowly though.” Johann said as we adjusted his bed. It became apparent that something was wrong. Connor's fist was clenched on the rail, his face twisted and then he wailed in agony.

  “Argghh” He screamed, “it feels like it's on fire.”

  “What is Connor? What feels like it's on fire?” Johann asked, starting to lower the bed back down.

  “My back,” he said breathing sharply “all the way down my spine.”

  “Believe it or not, that is a good thing.” Johann said

  “How is that good?” He asked through the pain.

  “It means you may not be paralyzed.” Johann said grabbing some equipment out of the cabinet. “I'd like to turn you over and take a look, if you are feeling up to it.”

  “Can't you give him something for the pain?” I asked, my heart breaking just watching him.

  “Yes dear, of course,” He said “If he is willing, I’d like to check his spine first though.”

  “It's fine,” he said through clenched teeth, “Just hurry.”

  With that we turned him over, an act that caused him a similar amount of pain. Johann was encouraged that he was breathing on his own while on his chest.

  “You've demonstrated an incredible amount of stamina for someone in your condition,” he said as we removed the back of his gown.

  “I've been told that before.” He said laughing, using humor to deflect from the pain, “right Liz?”

  “You're horrible” I said amazed that he was making jokes, and dirty ones at that. “Just keep talking, you can do this.”

  “If I stop talking, I think I'll have to scream some more.” he said

  “You can't see, but we have you hooked up to one of the best brain activity scanners in the world,” Johann explained, “When you feel a tinge of pain it should light up and help us narrow down the cause.”

  “Can't wait for that part.” he said.

  Johann went over almost every inch of his back and around his spine, taking nearly an hour. Every so often Connor's would forcefully grab the hand rails in pain. By the end, tears were streaming down his face and he was doing his best to deal with it.

  “Liz, dear,” Johann said finally, “Let's get him turned back over.”

  “Did you find anything?” I asked

  “Well, we'll need to do some xrays and and an MRI, but a lot of shrapnel was stuck in that body armor.”

  “I remember, I cut my hand on some of it.” I said, recalling all the twisted metal in his back as we drug him away from the trail.

  “Right,” he said taking a seat. “I believe there may be some nerve damage, which is causing his pain.”

  “How long?” he asked, still speaking slowly and deliberately. He seemed to be having trouble forming his sentences, as is common with stroke victims. “How long is it going to be like that?”

  “I'm not sure,” he said “Sometimes it heals itself in weeks, other times you have a lingering pain for a prolonged period of time. Perhaps even for life.”

  “I don't think I can handle that,” he said his head starting to droop. I had never seen him look so defeated. His body was torturing him.

  “I'm going to have to run down to the command post and retrieve some morphine,” Johann said. “We'll set you up with a drip, it will help some. In the meantime, I'm sure the two of you would like some time alone.”

  “Thank you doctor.” He said, his head still hanging low as Johann left us alone.

  “Hey,” I said cupping his face in my hands, “You're going to make it through this, you're the strongest person I know.”

  “I don't know how much more I can take, Liz.” he said raising his eyes toward me, still full of tears from the pain.

  “You can handle anything,” I said, his face looked older. The scars defining his features more sharply. Particularly, one long scar running across the side of his head to his eye where the bullet had grazed his skull. “We can handle anything.”

  “That eye's so blurry,” He said noticing me looking at it, “I can hardly make anything out. I thought I saw Jesse sitting here with a girl earlier, but I couldn't be sure.”

  “That's Jeanine's granddaughter, JoAnne,” I said, “they've been dating about a month.”

  “A month?” he asked seeming shocked. “How long was I out for?”

  “It's October now, hun. You were under for almost four months.”

  “I missed you.”

  “I missed you too, baby.” I said, raising his chin so I could kiss him. My chest swelled, I was so happy. It was the most amazing feeling in the world, I thought that I might float away.

  “I don't understand,” He said a few moments later “The guy who kicked me in the face, they were about to kill me. What happened?”

  “We were so close to the road,” I told him “A truck almost hit us and I couldn't leave you there.”

  “But how?” he asked “How'd you stop them?”

  I spent the next hour explaining what had transpired and answering his questions. He remembered some things and was able to answer some questions of my own, his words delicately formed as if he had to coax them out.

  Chapter 24