Light

now, that according to her how would my sister feel , and isn’t it bad enough that people look at us everyday and see in me what she could have been and see in her what I’m blessed not have been. And so how could I even dare to further raise the bar for my sister by joining the cheerleading team. And after forbidding me to join the team and a few yells exchanged between the two of us, she told me that the real reason I wanted to join the team was to flaunt around with my mini skirt and hair ribbons in front of all the boys at school and even maybe my stepdad. An odd thing I thought that she would mention him all of a sudden after claiming this was all about my sister.

  The semester went by and the new one was about to start the next week and I had invited a few of the girls for a 3 days sleepover that would end one day before school would start, my mother didn’t mind as long as we kept my sister engaged with us and were “nice” to her , also she made it clear that I would not let the girls do each other’s make up or even play dress up, we would only listen to music, watch some TV and order food. I agreed and the girls came over , we had a good time and on the same day they left everything was normal at home , however that night I was to finally understand why mother mentioned my stepdad when I told her I wanted to join the cheerleading team the past semester, he came that night to my room , put his palm on my mouth , though I wasn’t screaming or even tried to , and things just went by until he was out and I pulled my shorts up, and waited to hear where he was going , he went back to bed and I even remember hearing the lights go off , not the room light , but the nightstand light that were on my mothers side of bed. I don’t really remember much afterwards , I don’t know if I slept or not , but I was tired in the morning and I didn’t even shower though it was the most thing I wanted to do. I just changed my underwear and put on my clothes , head to the kitchen , grabbed my food and left, and I remember seeing my sister sitting making my stepdad’s lunch with my mother talking to one another , however everything was mute to me and the whole house was quiet , even the streets were surprisingly empty that day until I got closer to the school where I started to see some kids gather around towards the entrance .

  It happened 3 to four times in the following 2 months and I would always wait to hear the nightstand light go off before I would go to bed , wait to hear a conversation , a cry . anything to come from my mother’s room , anything other than that stupid nightstand light that would comfort me and tell me to go to bed. It was the only thing that responded to me.

  On one night I heard him come out and I knew he was coming to me , my heart was pounding but I was prepared nonetheless , however that night I heard something else, it was my sister’s door and I just froze in bed waiting and waiting until I heard the nightstand light and I wondered if my sister heard it too.

  I had to tell my mother, it was no longer about me , he was hurting my sister and all the doubt I had that my mother knew went out the window because if there was anything I was sure of it was that all the rules and all the philosophies my mother ever had would change in a split of a second when it was my sister, I went to my mother after school my stepdad was not to be home for another 2 hours, as I approached I got a chilling feeling inside that she just knew, she knew , she wasn’t looking at me or even in my direction , she was just chopping cucumbers and wouldn’t even ask me to help, I just stood there rested on the table waiting for her to acknowledge my existence , my sister was in her room the entire day , and I remember her leaving that day to go to school without even picking her lunch , I even saw at the back of the line on the concrete built-in kitchen table where my mother kept chopping and chopping. I finally gathered the words to speak and the first thing that came to my mouth was “ he comes at night” she immediately turned around to me and with a cracking voice said “ you are unbelievable , you never , not even once minded until it was your sister, until he was no longer interested in you” and she gestured vertically on my entire body with her knife, she turned around and continued to chop and said “ you just cant believe that anyone wouldn’t want you , you just cant accept not being the wanted, that your beauty when it comes down to it means nothing, men don’t care for beauty they only care for what you have between your legs” she then turned around and said “ and baby we all have it, you are nothing special not even if you dress up in a cheerleader’s outfit” and then she handed me the salad bowl she had just finished adding the cucumbers to and said” or stay in shape with your ridiculous low carb diet” she pushed the bowl to my chest and told me to put on the table, and I just held the bowl, stood there trying to gather the words , trying to rationalize what just came out my mother’s mouth , trying to organize my chain of thoughts and the many, many questions that pilled to the surface, “she knew , about me , all along, and she knows about my sister, she didn’t mind., or did she, she is angry at me , does she think I wanted this, that my sister and I wanted this”. I went to put the bowl and came back and I thought to myself that she cant get away with this , she cannot think that of me or my sister , she has to do something , so I told her that I didn’t ask for this and she replied that she was too busy and that it meant nothing she said “ he is a sick man, he is a very sick man , he needs our help” and then she burst into tears and I just stood there , and did not want to think anymore , of anything, and it was probably the hardest thing I ever failed to do.

  During dinner my sister had her eyes fixed on her plate the entire time and not even once said anything, and I even wondered if she heard us that day. If maybe she knew I tried for her. Or maybe she just felt alone like me. Maybe we were two lonely girls on a dinner table surrounded by our parents, maybe it was as simple as that , things just happen , people do bad things and behave in a way that destroys other people , maybe it was simple . maybe he was sick , maybe I was being selfish, maybe I truly didn’t care until he went to my sister and then I cared because I was the pretty one that he left , maybe these are questions that better be left unanswered. Dinner was over and everyone left except for my mother who stayed and kept drinking her favorite wine like it was some kind of special occasion, she would only bring that wine when she was celebrating and I just looked at it receding as she poured herself a glass after the other , it was quiet until he came and said “ easy on that its not cheap you know” and I just lost it , I pushed the table away , the entire bottle of wine got spilled on my mother , I stood and I just stared at him and said that I was going to kill him, and he starred back for less than a second until I felt a hand on my cheek a force that left me on the floor this time staring at my mother’s shoes next to me , and another kick came from her shoes to my stomach and another until he picked her away from me as she was yelling at me that I’m nothing , a nobody.

  I went to the stairs and I could swear I saw my sister’s shadow disappear as she ran to her room, she saw everything and not even once came to protect me or said anything, but I understood , after all if mother taught us anything it was that real beauty was in the way we conduct ourselves and neither mother nor I were beautiful that day. I say this now but I don’t imply that I believe in it, I’m just trying to mold my own frame so the people can look through it and understand , and though I do understand that more than often people will have their own view on everything I choose to have one for them even if they don’t look through it , I choose to believe that at occasions they do.

  Nothing changed really after that dinner, he continued to come and continued to put his hand on my mouth , and at times when he was done he would pull the curtains in my room and stare outside for a few seconds before picking up some of the things I left on the floor earlier. I did not know whether he was cleaning or buying sometime and why , and I still don’t. but I do remember that I never heard the nightstand light again and it took me a while to go to sleep after getting so accustomed to its company.

  My sister came to my room one day and sat next to me on bed, I was reading the Scarlett Letter that day to write an essay about for my English class and she asked me if I h
eard about what happened to this girl in our class, apparently she had reported her father to the CPS for repeated physical abuse , I even remember her coming to class a few times with a purple eye or a bruised arm, rumors circulated that she had an older, richer abusive boyfriend , the source of the rumors was never known and she neither denied nor confirmed anything, until she reported her father and then people started coming up with their own theories about her entire family , her brothers, her mother and even their grandma that used to live with them. I told my sister that I did hear about her and that maybe its for the best , she hasn’t been to school that time and she was replaced in a foster home while her father was in jail for also resisting arrest and her mother was under investigation so her stay in the foster home was pending on her mother’s trial , they needed to determine whether or not the mother was aware and whether or not she was in a position to protect her daughter ,something about the mother being a victim of the abuse as well among other issues. My sister asked