narratorAUSTRALIA Volume Two

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  Considering what we’ve been through in the past, it really was too precious of Dignity to desert me again over such trivialities. It isn’t as though I even asked it for help.

  What was I supposed to do when the cattle decided they liked the colour of the grass outside the fence better and just bowled the fence over as if it wasn’t there? I had no choice but to chase them up and down the road, trying to persuade them to go through the gate that led back to captivity. Is it my fault that just chasing them wasn’t enough persuasion? You would certainly think so! Old Dignity cringed in horror at the names I called them. It worked though, didn’t it?

  When the pup tripped me up as I walked through the door, causing me to drop a log of wood on my foot, bash my shin and hurt my hand, Dignity almost shrank away to nothing as I screeched at said pup. As for the adult dogs – you’d think that randy old mongrel would have more sense than to demolish half his kennel trying to get to the bitch next door. He even tried to chew through the wire mesh! I was a little upset at his antics and moved him far away after telling him there’d be no nookies for him today. Dignity almost had conniptions at that remark!

  Then there was the early morning I awoke with a start, remembering that I’d turned the pump on to fill the tank, but pretty sure I hadn’t remembered to turn it off. An overflowing tank can make quite a mess, so I left Dignity sleeping while I sprinted outside in my undies to remedy the situation – as far as was possible. Well! Guess who was wide awake when I came back inside? Honestly! You’d think I’d been dancing naked around the clothes line in the moonlight.

  Cats that sit at the back door and squabble like politicians; a featherless cockatoo who likes to eat wire and poops in his water; a mangy wombat that takes up residence under the house; the amorous steer with designs on me; the list goes on and on and on. All of these things are beneath Dignity, but I still have to deal with them. Do you see anyone else here?

  Do you know what tipped the cart though? The final straw was nothing I said or did. I was the innocent party. I was the wronged party. In order to go through the back gate, one has no choice but to walk under the gum tree. The gate is under the gum tree. I had to go through the gate. How was I to know there was a magpie in the tree taking careful aim? Magpies have very good aim and this one was aiming to make a deposit on my head.

  Well, he succeeded in making that deposit and as he did so, Dignity fled. It made a most unusual noise as it landed among the bark and leaves under the tree. I’m not sure I can describe the sound. It was a sort of wailing, sobbing, choking noise, as though the deposit had been made in its throat. I found myself almost wishing it had been, as I stood there deserted once again. The things that Dignity most hates, I’ve learned, are witnesses and laughter. There was no shortage of either on this occasion.