A Baxter Family Christmas

  Landon eased his arm around her waist as they walked. “He’s just enjoying the day, Ash. The rest of us are here.”

  “I know, but . . .” She walked in silence for a few moments. “He should at least be sorry. This was all his doing.”

  Landon was quiet for a long moment as they walked through the snow. Finally he moved his arm up around her shoulders and gently pulled her closer. “All I know is that your dad loves you.” He kissed the side of her head. “Still . . . I’m sorry you’re hurting. Really.”

  Ashley chided herself. “I’m sorry, too.” She sighed. “This is a special day. I don’t mean to be a downer.”

  Amy and Janessa turned back and ran toward them. “We’re pretending we’re lost in the wilderness.” Janessa’s eyes were bright with joy. “Okay? You two pretend with us.” She waved her arm in a big circle. “Pretend it’s a big storm coming and we have to hunt for our food.”

  Ashley stifled a laugh. “Okay! We’ll protect you.”

  “And I’ll do the hunting.” Landon raised his hand. “You girls can help Mom find shelter.”

  “Yeah!” Amy clapped her hands. “Come on, Janessa!” They ran back to the front of the group.

  Ashley laughed again. “How can I be upset about Christmas Eve when today is so good?”

  “Exactly.”

  Ashley breathed deep, the fresh air cold in her lungs. “We’ll deal with my dad’s decision later.”

  They walked up a hill to a grove of pretty Christmas trees. Cole declared the area the best in the entire tree farm. Janessa and Amy and their cousins found a place they could all live if they never made it back to civilization. Ashley loved their imagination almost as much as Christmas itself.

  In the next half hour each family found a tree and the kids took turns using the saws. On the way back down the hill to the farmhouse, Ashley and her dad allowed some distance between them and the others. Despite the beautiful afternoon, Ashley felt her anger return. “You know why Luke isn’t here, right?”

  Her dad seemed caught off guard by her tone. “He said they had things to do.”

  “That’s not why.” Ashley worked to control her tone. “Dad, he’s upset. I am, too.”

  “About Kendra.” His words were more of a statement than a question.

  “Yes.” She forced herself to take a breath. “Christmas is a special time. Please . . . can’t you reschedule her? Sometime next year?”

  “Well . . . at this point, she’s already confirmed.” Her father looked at the snow-packed ground ahead. “Meeting her on Christmas Eve matters to me.”

  Ashley could tell from her father’s tone that the subject was closed. “Christmas matters to us, too.”

  “I’m sorry you’re upset, Ashley.” Her dad narrowed his eyes. For the first time since the subject came up he seemed less sympathetic. “I thought you’d understand.”

  “I don’t have a choice.” She hated this, hated fighting with him. “You’re not going to change your mind. That’s fine.” She steeled herself to the cold breeze. “We won’t be there.”

  “You’re worried about Amy.” He gave her a sad smile, his woolen beanie pulled down over his brow. “I get that. But have you asked her?”

  “Really, Dad?” She raised her voice, and then immediately felt embarrassed. The discussion was going nowhere. The wind had picked up again and with it came a wave of snow flurries. She moved closer to her father so he could hear her. “You want me to ask a ten-year-old little girl if she’d like to meet the stranger who has her mother’s heart?”

  “I don’t know.” Her father stuffed his hands deep in his pockets. “When I pray about it, I feel like somehow the meeting could be good for Amy. Healing, even.”

  “I don’t think so.” Ashley was beyond frustrated. “How about we agree to disagree. I just thought you could wait until after Christmas. Or until Amy’s older. But it is what it is.” She hesitated. “You have it your way and we’ll have it ours.”

  He was quiet for a moment. The two of them still trailed the rest of the group—all of whom seemed excited over the trees the men were hauling back. “I’m sorry, Ashley. Really.”

  “Dad, if you were sorry you’d change this.” She stopped walking as tears blurred her vision. “Don’t you see that?”

  “I can’t change it. Not now.” Her dad stopped and faced her. “I gave the woman my word.”

  “Okay.” Ashley crossed her arms and started walking again. “Enough. Let’s just drop it.”

  “Don’t be mad, Ash.” He walked beside her, but he sounded more upset than before.

  “I’m not mad. Just hurt.”

  “I’m sorry.” John shoved his hands in the pockets of his jacket. “Really.”

  Two hours later the trees were tied to their cars and after another round of hot chocolate, everyone left. Ashley realized after they were halfway home that she hadn’t hugged her father goodbye. Which she hated. The tension between them was terrible. She and her dad were never like this. Ashley sighed.

  Not until after Ashley and Landon and the kids were gathered in the family room setting up their tree in the stand did Landon look around. “Where’s Amy?”

  “Upstairs.” Cole was lying on the floor, sliding the trunk of the tree one way and then the other, looking for the perfect spot. “She was tired. Or cold. Maybe both.” He shifted the tree again. “Hey, Dad . . . what about this?”

  Suddenly Ashley had a terrible thought. What if Amy had heard the conversation between Ashley and her father? She was young, but she was keenly aware of discussions around her.

  Especially where her mother was concerned.

  Ashley padded upstairs and walked to the end of the hall, to Amy’s room. The room that once, a long time ago, was Ashley’s own. The lights were off. Ashley peered inside and walked softly to the bed. Cole was right. Amy was asleep.

  For a long time, Ashley stared at the girl. Lord, protect her heart. She’s been through so much loss already. Please help us know how to love her. Especially now . . . at Christmastime.

  She bent down, kissed Amy’s cheek, and left her to sleep.

  They would talk about whatever Amy had heard, later.

  Ashley and Landon brought out the boxes of ornaments and led the kids in a mass decorating effort. The two of them had to agree with the kids. This was the best tree they’d ever had. It was so pretty it didn’t look real.

  After a while, Amy joined them and she seemed as happy as the other kids. Excited about Christmas and thrilled to hang decorations. If she was upset about something said earlier, she didn’t seem like it. Ashley decided not to ask her niece about what she’d heard. The question would just make the child unsettled. Best to leave the possibility alone for now.

  Whether it was the cold air or the hike through the tree farm, after decorating the kids were more tired than usual. By eight o’clock they were all in bed. The living room was quiet and Landon found Ashley staring at the photo ornaments they’d collected over the years.

  “I feel Christmas most when I’m right here. Beside you.” She smiled up at him and slipped her arms around his waist. “The ornaments Cole made when he was two years old. The photos of the kids through the years. It’s like all the Christmases come together every year on our tree.”

  “Mmmm.” Landon held her close. “I feel Christmas most with you. Wherever you are.”

  She looked deep into his eyes. “You think Amy’s okay?”

  “She seemed like it.” He brushed the hair from her face. “Hey . . . has anyone ever told you? You have the most beautiful hair.”

  “I seem to remember a certain handsome gentleman telling me that.” She felt her troubled heart lighten. “A few times, anyway.”

  “Well . . . that certain gentleman has an idea.” Landon peered out the window. “Let’s take a walk out back to the creek. While the snow’s still falling.”

  Ashley loved this about Landon, the way he could take any moment and make it unforgettable. He’d done that since the begin
ning, back when he had first tried to make her fall in love with him.

  Back when her stubbornness had nearly cost her the love of her life. How many times had she rejected his attempts to pursue her? All because she had thought he was too safe. The two of them always seemed to have a desperate kind of love now. The result of knowing how close they’d come to losing it all.

  “Mmmm.” She leaned up and kissed him. “A walk sounds perfect.”

  When they were bundled up, they set out, hand in hand through the fresh fallen snow. The full moon cast an iridescent light over the blanket of white. “It’s as bright as day.” Landon looked up at the sky. “I’ve never seen a more beautiful snowfall.”

  “It’s perfect.” Ashley stayed at his side as they made their way down to the creek. Their favorite bench was covered in nearly a foot of snow, but Landon used his coat sleeve to brush it off so they could sit. “I love the quiet after it snows.”

  “Like God’s giving all of creation a chance to simply breathe.”

  “And rest.”

  Ashley leaned against him and together they were quiet for a long moment. “I miss Erin . . . on days like this.”

  “Me, too.” Landon turned slightly so he could see her. “She and Sam used to love that old Christmas tree farm. The way the kids would run ahead and take dibs on the best ones.”

  Deep below the surface of the snow there was the gentlest sound of the creek. Still running. Proof that life continued even in the dead of winter. “I keep saying I’m worried about Amy. That she’s the reason I don’t want to meet Kendra Bryant on Christmas Eve.”

  Landon was quiet, his eyes locked on hers.

  “But it’s more than that.”

  “I know.” He pressed his gloved hand against her bare cheek. “It’s not Amy you’re afraid for. It’s yourself.”

  “Yes.” Tears blurred her eyes and she moved her scarf further up her face. She grabbed hold of his hand. “Erin and I were never very close. Not for so many years.”

  “Until the end.”

  “Right.” Ashley leaned her head on Landon’s shoulder. “To hear her heart beating in the chest of someone else.” She looked up at her husband again. “I’m not sure I can take it. I might start crying and never stop. Not till New Year’s Day.”

  Landon nodded. “I get that. Completely.”

  Ashley peered at the snow-covered barren branches. “Christmas is hard enough, you know? My dad should understand that.”

  “I do.” Landon pulled her closer.

  Despite the cold air, in his arms Ashley felt warm. “You don’t think I’m wrong to miss out?”

  “Not at all. It’s your choice, Ash.” He stood and she did the same. He turned and faced her and slid her scarf down with his hand. Then, like a scene from a movie, he kissed her. With the lights from the house dim in the background and the world still around them. “I love you, Ashley Baxter Blake.”

  “I love you, too.” This time she let the kiss linger. “How come you always understand me?”

  “Because.” He lifted her scarf back into place and smiled at her. “You’re my other half. God gave you to me. My greatest gift.”

  Landon took her hand and they headed slowly back to the house. As long as she lived, Ashley would remember this moment. It was forever etched in their hearts and minds. A winter night when just the touch of his lips and the sound of his voice soothing her soul was all she needed.

  God was with them. And no matter how great the losses of the past, everything was going to be okay.

  It really was.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  The Christmas show was two weeks away, and Connor wondered how Bailey and Brandon ever pulled off a single performance as directors. Practice that night was slated for seven o’clock. Ten minutes ago. And still all forty-five kids were racing around the auditorium.

  Connor tried to imagine the night ahead. Bailey hadn’t been feeling well, so Brandon had returned from his meetings in L.A., and tonight he was in charge of rehearsal. He took a spot at the center of the stage and did the special CKT clap. The one the kids instantly recognized as a sign for them to be quiet.

  A laugh came from somewhere in Connor’s memory. He had been on this very stage doing that very clap just a few blinks ago. At least it seemed that way. The boys and girls responded with the same clap and Brandon grabbed the nearest microphone. “Okay, everyone find a seat in front of the stage! We only have six more rehearsals. Tonight has to count.”

  Maddie walked in just then and hurried to the seat beside Connor. Suddenly Brandon’s words rang in his heart. Yes, tonight had to count. Maddie had definitely been keeping to herself. They hadn’t talked since the awkward Thanksgiving call. He’d tried texting her a few times but she hadn’t responded.

  He hoped tonight would be different.

  While Brandon talked about the order of events for the night, Connor’s sister entered the auditorium from the back and took the seat on the other side of him. “Whoever named it morning sickness never carried a child.” Bailey slumped in her chair. “If I run out, you’ll know why.”

  Connor felt horrible for her. “Brandon doesn’t need Maddie and me for the next fifteen minutes. We can get you something. Decaf, maybe?”

  “I can’t stomach it. Not for the last few weeks.” She closed her eyes and then her face lit up some. “What about hot tea? Chamomile? Would you mind?”

  “Not at all.” Connor motioned to Maddie. “Come on. We have time if we hurry.”

  The Coffee Shop, a few doors down from the theater, was a favorite downtown Bloomington spot for shoppers and theatergoers. Connor waited until they were outside before he slowed his pace and glanced at Maddie. “It hardly felt like I was back at school at all.”

  “You got home last night, right?”

  “Yes.” Connor hesitated. If he could only figure out what was wrong with her. “Finished my finals yesterday morning.”

  “How do you think you did?” She smiled at him, but she was definitely more guarded now. Whatever he’d done to upset her, apparently he’d overstepped his bounds.

  “Pretty well. Half A’s, half B’s.” He stayed at her side as they navigated the busy sidewalk. “What about you?”

  “Same.” She was quiet while he ordered Bailey’s tea and then a coffee for each of them. They headed back and not till they reached the door of the auditorium did she stop and turn toward him. “I’m sorry. I haven’t been answering your texts.”

  “No.” Connor angled his head, trying to see past the walls she’d raised between them. “Is it something I did?”

  She shook her head. “Not at all. It’s me.” Maddie tucked her blond hair behind her ear and stared at the ground. “I can’t talk about it.”

  Connor thought he understood. “If it’s another guy, I get it. I never even asked if you were dating someone.”

  “I’m not.” She lifted her eyes to him. “I just can’t date. It’s my own thing.”

  Connor blinked. What? She couldn’t date? He was going to ask her why, but when he caught the determination in her eyes he let it drop. Instead he held the door open for her. “Then we’ll be friends.” He smiled at her. “Fair enough?”

  “Yes.” Her eyes brightened, and for the first time that night, the walls around her heart seemed to lower a little. “Thanks, Connor. For understanding.”

  He didn’t let his disappointment show. Like Bailey had said, Maddie was young. She was still in high school. Maybe somewhere down the road they might have a chance at something more.

  This simply was not that time.

  Inside the theater, Brandon had split the children into two groups. A dance instructor taught one group the steps to the opening number, while the CKT choir director worked to help the others learn the first song of the show.

  Connor approached Brandon. “Where do you want us?”

  “Here.” He pointed to the front row of seats. “Sit with Bailey and watch for stragglers.” He pointed to a little boy who had strayed from th
e others in the dance group. He was hopping like a frog near the edge of the stage, completely oblivious to the instructor. Brandon walked toward the boy, glancing over his shoulder at Maddie and Connor. “Kids like that one.”

  Brandon took the lead. “Hey, buddy. You wanna get back with your group?”

  Maddie stifled a laugh. “That would be me . . . dancing to my own beat at that age.”

  “You need the patience of ten teachers to pull this off.” Connor looked at his sister. “Is it always like this?”

  Bailey held the hot tea close to her face. “Every time. A few weeks before opening night I always think we should call the whole thing off.”

  “I can see why.” Maddie seemed to spot another wayward little one. She walked up onstage and headed for the singers. “Hey there.”

  The little girl lifted her head. “I’m a sheep.”

  “Right.” Maddie took her by the hand and led her back to her group. “And sheep need to sing the very best of all.”

  Connor watched, his heart beating faster than before.

  “I see you.” Bailey turned and smiled at him. “She’s so good with the kids.”

  “She’s beautiful.” Connor sat next to his sister. “But she doesn’t like me.”

  “What?” Bailey looked from the stage back to Connor. “That’s not what I saw during auditions.”

  “Something’s changed.” Connor shrugged. “Which is maybe for the best. I’ll be back at school after Christmas.”

  “I think we’ve talked about this before.” Bailey gave him a wary look. “Your challenge, dear brother, is to figure out what’s troubling her.”

  Connor let his eyes settle on Maddie once more. “Yes. That, for sure, is the challenge.”

  Maddie hated how she’d forced herself to pull away from Connor. But it was only fair. She wasn’t going to date him, so there was no point leading him on. At least he was willing to be her friend.

  Rehearsal that evening went better than she thought it might. Ninety minutes into the practice, the kids knew the first two songs and the dance moves to the opening number. At the end of the session, they ran through the songs again and Maddie raised her eyebrows in Connor’s direction.