Still Jaded

  It was awkward.

  Our roles were always defined before, but now everything was different. Bryce felt it and perched on the windowsill. I knew he was uncomfortable, but so was I. I sat in the chair Katrice had abandoned. I didn't know what to say. He didn't either. And neither of us wanted to say something that Corrigan could overhear, although it didn't matter. Corrigan always knew anyway.

  It didn't seem long, but it could've been hours when I heard a slight cough beside me. Corrigan turned his head, and his eyes opened. It was a slight squint.

  "Hey." I reached for his hand. "Hey."

  He frowned and then closed his eyes.

  Bryce jumped off the windowsill and jerked forward, but froze. Frowning, he slid his hands in his pockets and turned away.

  "Sheldon?" Corrigan asked.

  His voice was raspy, and I winced. I couldn't imagine his pain right now. "How are you feeling?"

  He gave me a thin smile before grimacing in pain.

  Bryce turned back and rounded to stand on the other side of the bed. "Hey…"

  Corrigan's eyes opened a little wider and looked from Bryce to me. In that moment, I wondered if he contemplated closing his eyes and going back to sleep. I would've done it. He didn't. Instead, he swallowed painfully. "Sheldon."

  "Yes?" I leaned close. "What do you need?"

  He patted my hand. "Go and get yourself some coffee."

  "What?"

  "Go. Get coffee. Don't come back for awhile."

  "You want me to leave? Are you serious?"

  Bryce cleared his throat, looking away.

  "What? You want me to leave because of…" I gestured to the three of us and then stopped talking. I didn't know what to say.

  Corrigan closed his eyes and cringed again.

  Bryce broke out, "Of course he wants you to leave because of this. You think this is fun, Sheldon? You think I enjoy seeing you two—you think—"

  "You started this! You left!" I shot to my feet and cried out.

  Bryce squared off with me. "I did not. I did not ask to see my two best friends have…" He choked off and then turned towards the windows. His shoulders were tense and shaking.

  I closed my mouth as I watched him. I had no idea how to sort out my feelings, much less figure out what he was thinking. He was right about one thing, though. The trio wasn't the same. I looked at Corrigan and saw him watching me. His eyes seemed concerned, but there was something else there. I couldn't figure it out. I didn't want to so I murmured, "I'm going to go get coffee. I'll be back."

  When I got into the hallway, I didn't go any further. I rested my back against the wall and stayed put. It was going to break my heart, but I knew I needed to hear whatever they were going to say. Then I heard Corrigan ask, his voice still strained, "I want to deal with this. I don't want it hanging out over my head. She admitted her feelings—she knows. It's what you wanted, right?"

  Bryce laughed, and it sounded horrible to my ears. Ugly. "Yeah, right. You think I enjoy this? Are you crazy? You know this is killing me and you love it."

  "Yeah." Corrigan groaned. "I enjoy being in the hospital too. Being in car accidents. Being in surgery. It's all part of the plan."

  "Oh hell. I'm sorry. You okay? We don't have to talk about this now. You can, you know, heal."

  "I'm in fucking pain, but I'll deal. I don't want to put this off."

  "I'm sorry. Hell." I heard Bryce slump into a chair. "I'm sorry. We need to figure out who's after her."

  Hearing movement in the bed, I strained my ears, but Corrigan didn't say anything for a little while. When he did, he sounded out of breath. "Yeah—you get to it, buddy."

  "Like hell," Bryce barked back with a laugh in his voice.

  Corrigan laughed too, before he started coughing. When the coughing continued, I balled my hands into fists and tried to keep myself in place. It'd all be for nothing if I didn't.

  After a few moments more of coughing, Bryce spoke up, "In every other way, you and I should be at each other's throats. But with this, with her, she has to know what she feels. She has to figure it out and then—"

  "And then we're all fucked." Corrigan's voice sounded a little stronger, clearer.

  "…yeah…"

  "You wanted this. You said everything would be better. We'd know. She'd know. You didn't think it all through, did you? You're an asshole, Bryce. You were thinking about yourself, and you didn't think about the consequence where you don't get the girl and I do. Then what? Then you and I are fucked? What if she goes back to you? What do I do? I can't be the sidekick anymore. Or did you do this for that reason? You want me gone? You're a dick. You want us to go at it?"

  "I didn't want any of this, but I couldn't handle seeing you two anymore. You don't know what it's like."

  "Yes. I do." Corrigan's voice sounded rough.

  I closed my eyes. He'd always been there. He'd always been on the sidelines, watching…God. My mouth went dry at the thought—he'd always been there. I felt ashamed. I should've known, I should've…

  "Sheldon?"

  Carolina stood in front of me. She looked like she wasn't sure what to say next so she pressed her lips together.

  The anger kicked in, a small ball.

  They had talked about me. They had planned about me. They made decisions for me that I should've made. The ball was now a flame.

  They'd gone behind my back.

  The flame burst into a fire.

  They set me up.

  I smiled, but I knew the sight was painful. "Have you ever been betrayed?"

  Her eyes narrowed, and she frowned but looked thoughtful. "Yes. Who betrayed you?"

  "My family," I bit out.

  The tears were there. I just needed to keep them at bay for a little longer.

  "Did they mean well by it?"

  "Does it matter?" I shot back. "A betrayal is a betrayal."

  "Not always." She still frowned.

  "If they make the decision to play with your heart, to play with your mind, to play with your world, how is that okay?" I closed my eyes. "If you got hurt because of what they did? What then?"

  Something changed in her face and she sobered. Standing at her fullest height, Carolina looked at me like she was looking through me. "And if you were hurting them?"

  "Does it matter?"

  She narrowed her eyes, seeming to choose her words with caution. "Then I would ask myself, really ask myself, whose pain was the worst? Who was hurting the worst? Because that's the person that's in the right."

  I sucked in my breath. "You're not helping me."

  "I think I am." She gave me a soft smile before she leaned next to me. "What'd they do?"

  "Who?"

  "You know who."

  "They set it all up."

  "Did they do it to hurt you?"

  This girl was starting to annoy me. "No."

  She hesitated, but then asked, "Were they hurting?"

  Really annoying me. "Yes."

  Then she took a deep breath. "Maybe, just maybe, you should shut up and think about them. Because it sounds like you're being self-centered. Think past yourself and think of them."

  "I don't really like you right now." I flashed a crooked grin.

  She smiled back. "If we're going to be friends, I'm not going to kiss your ass. I'm not like that, but I will always tell you the truth and even though I don't know you that well, I like you. I like you a lot." She paused. "I only tell my friends the truth."

  I grinned, saddened. "I think I need friends like that—it's what they do."

  She looked behind us to Corrigan's hospital room and nodded. "I don't know any of you guys that well, but I'm good at judging people. I've met each of you at different times. I met Bryce for two seconds in the waiting lounge, but I read people well." She drew in a deep breath. "I'm someone who likes to be prepared for everything, but I learned a long time ago that I can't be prepared for everything. Things happen that you can't prepare for. My sister died a long time ago. She committed suicide, an
d it was…it was…hard, but they're here. Both of your guys are here." She got choked up, but continued, "I don't love anyone, but I loved my sister, and I've seen enough and heard enough to know that you love both of them. Everyone knows, Sheldon. Everyone knows. You have to pick. They know it. You know it."

  Each word she said stabbed me. I felt the knife sliding in and out as she continued. Then I drew in a shuddering breath. She was right. I had to pick.

  She got red in the cheeks and fanned herself. "I'm probably channeling my romantic idealistic part of me, but for the love of God, pick one of them because obviously they're begging for you to do it!"

  The old Sheldon might've said something bitchy to her, but I'd learned to listen to the truth. This girl was speaking that to me. She'd said it enough in her own words. Bryce was saying it. Corrigan was saying it. Now she was, and she was right. I wondered how many others thought the same things.

  Then I asked, "Your sister committed suicide?"

  "Yeah." Her voice was soft. "I was in high school. You learn what's real when you go through something like that. People. Relationships. Life. There's a lot of stuff out there than can break you or make you stronger. You just gotta choose which way you're going."

  If only it were that easy.

  "Sheldon?" Bryce walked out of the room. "What are you—I thought you were going for coffee?" He frowned as he glanced from Carolina to me, then back again. A second passed, and then his eyes widened. Comprehension flared. "Oh."

  Carolina looked apologetic. "I came to check on her, and now I have. I'll see you tomorrow, Sheldon." She met his gaze for a moment before reaching to squeeze my hand. As she walked down the hallway, he rotated around to watch her. When she rounded the corner, he looked back at me and smiled.

  "What?"

  He nodded. "I like her. She's strong. I like that."

  My mind was a mess. My emotions were always a mess. And now the guy who I thought was the only one I would ever love approved of a friend I made? Really? Really?

  I pressed my hands to my temples. A headache had come on and it was raging. "Thank you for your approval. Now you can go back and screw my replacement. You'll know that I'll be okay. I have a friend beside you and Corrigan. Thank you for giving a damn."

  "What? I just meant—"

  "You walked out on me! You found another girl. You—"

  Bryce opened his mouth. "Are you kidding me?! You're with me, but you're in love with someone else! Who walked away from whom is irrelevant. Take a look at who's in the next room!"

  "You don't have the right to approve of my friends. Not anymore. You gave that up, remember?" My tone gentled. He was right about Corrigan, although we hadn't figured out who was to blame yet. "You're not my boyfriend anymore, Bryce."

  But he did have a right. He was still family. He knew it. I knew it.

  I was such a mess.

  He closed his mouth. "I'm staying at your place tonight. Corrigan can't, so I am." That's when he looked up and his eyes hardened. "You're going to have to deal with it. I care about you, no matter if it's me or Corrigan. Some psycho is still out there. I'm staying and that's it. Corrigan agrees."

  My mouth fell open. "What?"

  Bryce jerked a thumb behind him. "Go and talk to him. It's his brain child."

  I didn't need to do anything, but I did go back into the room. A part of me was furious, but I knew Bryce was being responsible. He'd stay with me. It only made sense, but when I went in and grabbed my purse, a part of me didn't want to look Corrigan in the eyes. I was afraid he'd think I was betraying him, but I wasn't. And that confused me even more. When my hand reached for the purse straps on the chair, I paused and took a breath. That's when I looked up and I was right.

  Corrigan had been waiting for me.

  "What?" I sighed.

  He smiled. "What do you mean what?"

  "Bryce is staying at my place tonight?" It shouldn't have come out as a question, but it did. Corrigan held something in my heart that I couldn't comprehend, but I knew it was there. What he thought was important.

  "It was my idea, Sheldon." Corrigan tried to smile, but I saw the pain. It floated in his eyes, underneath the surface. "I heard you and Carolina, and then I heard you and Bryce. You never went for coffee." He looked at my hands. "You don't have a cup in your hand."

  I gulped.

  "It's okay, you know. I get it. I do. I—" He expelled a deep breath.

  Why was this so hard? All the emotions twisted together inside of me, into a massive ball of nerves. "I don't know what to say or how to feel or what to think or what to do. I don't know anything right now. Nothing makes sense. I just know that Bryce is taking me home and I don't know what that means. And you're in the hospital; you're hurting so much. That sends me on another whirlwind where I'm confused about everything again."

  He nodded, silent.

  I kept going. "I know what you and Bryce did. I heard you guys, but I'm not going to get mad that you guys played with my emotions. Carolina told me that it's not about me anymore. It's about who was hurt worse, and I only thought about you so I think that means you were hurt the worst although—" Deep breath. "I don't know what that means either."

  Corrigan looked down at his hands. He held the television remote in one hand and the sheet in the other. He was half sitting towards me, but a part of him was angled away. I looked at him and wondered if half of his heart was with me and the other half was protected from me. Then I remembered Bryce, and I wondered where his was, where mine was?

  I whispered, "I'm a mess, Corrigan."

  He smiled, but his eyes were sad. "I am too. I wasn't, but I am now."

  "What does that mean?"

  He looked up and shook his head. I knew that he was trying to tell me that he didn't know, but he did. He always did.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  Bryce drove me home that night. At first, I felt horrible that we were going to my place while Corrigan was alone. Then I remembered that he'd gone behind my back with Bryce—that's when I started getting angry again. How dare they play with my emotions. How dare they manipulate me and make me feel like a fool! It wasn't just about them. I was involved. I'd be losing someone. I could lose both of them.

  When I kept looking at Bryce, my anger went to him. How dare he?! He was a part of it. He'd always known. What else was a lie? Who else lied?! And as soon as the door shut behind us, I was ready for whatever was coming at me that night. I wanted it all out. I was sick and tired of being in the dark, and I didn't care what I'd have to do to get it out. It was my right to know.

  So I took a breath, closed my eyes, counted to five, and then dropped my purse. "Okay. Are you going to explain the whore that you shacked up with or are you going to pretend that I didn't overhear any of that?!"

  Bryce froze and then studied me. His eyes were lidded, but his jaw didn't move.

  "Really? Nothing? Really?"

  "What do you expect? Give me a second to group my thoughts together." His eyes narrowed, and that's when I knew he was lying.