Still Jaded

  brooding.

  "Why should I stop? I'm so good at it."

  Corrigan drew in an abrupt breath and didn't comment. I should've cared. I should've apologized. I should've made sure he knew I meant about this night, about the very recent nights, but the wine had already started to do its job.

  I didn't care.

  His voice dropped near a whisper. "Are you pissed at me? I thought we were good. You said we were good."

  "We are good."

  Corrigan wasn't the one I wanted to hurt. I gestured towards the group below us. "These people aren't here because of me. They're here for you."

  He never looked. "I'm here for you."

  "I know." The words ripped out of me.

  It was true. I wasn't stupid. So many people tried to use me, but Bryce and Corrigan didn't. They were there for me, or Corrigan was at least. At the thought of Bryce, my grip tightened on my glass and I gulped the rest of it down. Bryce could go to hell.

  "You look good." He shrugged. "For what it's worth."

  I knew I looked good. The outfit was one I had purchased a while ago. I saw it in a magazine spread. I liked it, so I bought it. I thought Bryce would've enjoyed it before, but now—my throat burned with emotion.

  Corrigan studied me. "This have to do with Bryce not coming tonight?"

  I expelled a deep breath and cursed. "He never cared what I said before. He never gave one damn, and now I make one statement and he folds." I cursed again and refilled my glass. Life was rosier drunk. Life was manageable when drunk, not really but that night it was.

  Corrigan fell silent as he watched me. He turned his back to the crowd beneath and folded his arms over his chest. "Okay. Look, I know you and me aren't how we used to be in high school."

  "Not since you left Spain." There was a bitter taste in my throat.

  Corrigan paused for a beat. "You're right. Things changed. Things…"

  ….things happened…

  "…are different, but that doesn't mean you're not one of my best friends. I don't know what I want right now, but I know this is because of Bryce. He did something or you reacted to something. I don't know, but this is because of him. Not me." He waited another beat and then surrendered in a sigh. "So I guess I'll head back downstairs—"

  My head snapped up. "You wouldn't have left my side two years ago."

  Silence.

  Corrigan didn't respond. I didn't look, but I waited and held my breath. I waited before he allowed me to breathe again when murmured, "We're not in high school."

  "We're not. No."

  It was easier back then. Things made more sense.

  I wrung out, "You're right. Go ahead. Join your brothers." Now I turned to look at him and let my anger shine through. I was angry at the world. I was angry at being used. I was angry because Bryce wasn't fighting. I was angry because Corrigan was only half with me. It wasn't the same, not anymore. It hadn't been since I shot Marcus.

  "What did Bryce do?"

  "He didn't do anything. That was it. He didn't do anything."

  "He said that you told him not to come."

  "He didn't do anything." He didn't come. That was my point, but Corrigan wasn't hearing it.

  "What happened in Spain?"

  I closed my eyes and hung my head at that painful reminder. I wouldn't fold down and fall to my knees. My third glass of wine was finished before I set it back down. "I lost him. I think I lost myself."

  Corrigan's eyes sparkled in an emotion I didn't dare name. His hand reached upwards with his fingers spread wide, and his palm was ready to cup my cheek. But then he froze an inch from my face and cursed before he withdrew his hand. "You're his girl. I can't say what I want to say right now because you're his girl."

  "We're best friends." My face tingled from the anticipation of that touch.

  He shook his head as his shoulders drooped. "Maybe in high school, but since…I don't even know when. He needs to be your only best friend as long as you're with him. I have to leave now. I shouldn't be up here when we both know you're hurting because he's not."

  He turned to leave, but I caught his hand. "Corrigan."

  He cut me off as he twisted around, agony and fury in his eyes.

  I let go of him immediately, scorched by that look. Then he left, his body filled with tension. I couldn't do anything or say anything to stop him. I wanted to…

  I wanted something, but I didn't know what. There was a hole I needed to fill, and, with that, I filled my glass a fourth time. I should've gone downstairs. I should've mingled with everyone. It was my party after all, but I sat and I drank. My phone buzzed a couple times, but I never looked at it and I never answered. I'd given what I could.

  He hadn't even been kissing her, but it burned.

  I saluted the air with my glass and toasted a lightning bug. "To you, little man. Fly free. Fly free."

  Then I heard another voice from behind me. "Sheldon?"

  It was a girl's voice. I tensed, but then Grace popped her head through the sheer curtain. Her eyes lit up as she saw me. "Hey, you look great!"

  "You too."

  Her blonde hair had been pulled into a low ponytail with a few stray strands curled to frame her face. It gave her a soft look and accentuated her pale lips. With the green sweater she wore over a pair of pale jeans, I was tempted to give her a wolf whistle.

  She plopped down into a chair and fanned herself. "I was asked to join a sorority! I know, I know. This sounds like alterno-world or something, but it's not. I swear. I was downstairs, and a bunch of girls all said hello to me." She frowned and grabbed the empty wine bottle. Then she started to shift from hand to hand. "Did I do something? I don't know what to make of it. Maybe they know Corrigan, and he told them to be nice. Do you think that's it? What do you think?"

  I watched my clueless friend.

  Grace scratched at her chin. "I know. I know. I'm probably imagining all of this, but it was a lot. A LOT of girls said hi to me. What's going on? Did I become a celebrity or something? I can't believe Corrigan has that ability. You think it was him? That's the only thing that makes sense. Wow, I didn't realize how much weight he had around campus. Not to mention, I didn't think he even cared about me. That night was two years ago."

  "Maybe he cares more than you think."

  "And can you believe it? I was asked to join a sorority!?"

  I sat beside her. "What if Corrigan did put them up to it?"

  Grace pondered that a moment and then shrugged. "If he feels guilty, then he feels guilty. Do you really think an entire sorority would ask me to pledge? Because of one guy? It's one guy! If I became a sister, that'd be for life. That's so permanent. I doubt it's because of Corrigan. No, no. I think they did it because they like me. It has to be because they like me."

  "I like you," I pointed out. How could I not be upset? Those girls weren't asking her to pledge because of Corrigan. They were doing it because of me, because I made them…because of Corrigan. So was it actually my doing?

  Grace huffed out as she rolled her eyes. "Sheldon, you're you. You're not like most people. You like me because of Mena."

  "Are you serious?" I sat back.

  Had we not established a friendship in the past two years? She'd become my best friend, besides Bryce and Corrigan. And seeing how that was going, she might be my only friend.

  She threw her hands in the air. "I'm not saying that you don't like me now, but sometimes I feel that you feel guilty because you couldn't help Mena. And I think that you know I was a better friend to Mena so you befriending me is almost like you're supporting Mena in a way. Do you know what I mean?"

  "Hell no!" I frowned. "You're my friend. Deal with it."

  "It's not…" She sighed with a happy smile. "I was asked to be part of a sorority. Can you believe it?!"

  I saw everything in her that I wasn't. Grace was pure. She was hopeful. She wasn't discarded. She wasn't abused. She wasn't numb. She was the light. "I can believe it."

  Those girls would be lucky
to have Grace as their sister, even if they didn't know it.

  "I'm going to be in a sorority. I always felt I'd never be good enough to do that. I should pinch myself. I can't believe it."

  I took another sip of wine. "I can believe it, Grace. I can believe it."

  She glowed. She sat there and actually glowed. It was like she'd been inducted into a higher level of heaven. I hated it. I sincerely hated it. Those girls weren't true. They were the ones not good enough for Grace, but the world didn't work that way. She needed friends. She needed protection. She needed to learn things. And they could give all that. I couldn't. I could barely handle myself sometimes.

  As I finished my fifth glass of wine, I felt the world start to melt away.

  "…so there are all those reporters talking about this Guadalupe person. Are you okay with that? They say she's here for Bryce. Where is Bryce, now that we're talking about him? I haven't seen him yet."

  I checked back into the conversation. I had slipped away for a heartbeat. Then it all flooded back. "Bryce is busy. Soccer."

  "I know, but what's with this girl? Who is she? Did you meet her?"

  I uncorked the second bottle.

  Grace continued, "It's all over the media. Who's this Guadalupe person? You must know her."

  I took a sip and sighed. "She's a model, Grace."

  "Oh."

  "And she wants to fuck him."

  "Oh?!" Grace was aghast now.

  "What do you think I should do, Grace? You must know about this situation. What should I do?"

  Grace squirmed in her chair and looked at my wine bottles with alarm. "How much have you had to drink?"

  "Does it matter?" Because I didn't think it did.

  "It doesn't help." She folded her arms over her chest. "I'm concerned."

  "Are you? I thought we were talking about how you're a celebrity. You weren't concerned then."

  Now fully aware and all too alarmed, Grace stood up and edged towards the door. I stayed in my chair with my bottle in hand. I didn't give a damn what anyone else thought. I didn't care that my one female friend was scared of me. She should've been. She was smart.

  "I'm, uh, going to get Corrigan." Then she made a mad dash for the exit.

  She should run.

  I sat alone for the rest of the night and must've dozed at some point because when I woke later, I was on my bed with a blanket laid over me. The sound of the party had diminished, but I still heard laughter and conversation. I felt groggy but pushed myself up.

  My stomach dipped as the wine shot back up. I stumbled from the bed and crossed to the bathroom. No vomit came up, but, as I wiped my eyes and looked in the mirror, I wasn't sure whom I stared at. She looked hollow and haunted. Used.

  "Sheldon?"

  I ignored the pain that pierced me as I looked at Bryce in the doorway. He was dressed in his soccer workout gear. It gave his body a lean trimmed look. With his black Mohawk cut short and his chiseled cheekbones, Bryce looked edgy, almost dangerous, but his eyes were guarded as he observed me.

  "I told you not to come." My voice was hoarse, but I pushed past him and headed for the door. The party was still going on. I should be there, anywhere except in that bedroom.

  Bryce caught my arm and yanked me back. "We need to talk, Sheldon."

  "No. You need to leave." I twisted my arm from his grasp and swept through the door, heading down the hallway to the stairs. I didn't care who I shoved, hit, or stepped on. A large group had congregated in the kitchen where the kegs were.

  "Hey, Sheldon!" Raz held the keg's spout in his hand. He held out a plastic cup. "Want a beer?"

  "Where's the hard stuff?"

  He gestured behind me. "Corrigan took it out to the courtyard. You've got an awesome bar!"

  Leah stood next to Corrigan and his fraternity brothers with a few of her friends. Cadence was with two of her sisters, and Grace was not far from them.

  "Sheldon." Corrigan straightened. I flinched when I heard his tone, like all the emotion and fun had been stripped away. Grace froze when she heard my name.

  A part of me withered up because I had this effect on my friends.

  "Give me a drink, Cor."

  With a rum bottle in one hand and a glass in the other, he looked the role of an everyday fraternity party boy. He even had on a trendy polo shirt and designer jeans. His dark blonde hair had been trimmed so the curls were tight. But he wasn't a carefree frat brother; he looked very sober as he weighed his decision.

  He never stopped me in high school. Why would he start now? Then his eyes trailed past my shoulders and widened. He nodded. "Bottoms up, Sheldon." And with that, he tossed the rum to me.

  I caught it with one swoop and tipped my head back to down what I could.

  It was yanked out of my hands a second later. Before I even looked, I knew. Bryce seethed at me as he threw the bottle into the foliage.

  All eyes were trained on us in that instant. It was surreal how clear certain people were to me right then. Corrigan was cautious but waiting. Grace frowned, nervous and fearful. Cadence was enraptured. Leah was scornful. Then I caught sight of someone else in the corner of my eye and turned. Dorothy looked out of place in her Sparky's uniform as she held a platter of sandwiches, her red hair done up in two ponytails. She watched with no emotion and maybe that's why something snapped inside of me.

  "If this scene hadn't been played before, I'd laugh."

  "Sheldon, don't." Bryce grabbed my arm and tried to haul me behind him.

  But I dug my heels in. I wasn't going anywhere. "So did Donadeli's keep the business in the family? Are you related to him? Are you going to turn psycho and stalk me too? Do I need to kill you too?"

  "Sheldon," Corrigan spoke up now. "Stop."

  I swung around. "What do you care, Corrigan? All this mumbo jumbo about 'being okay' with each other. We are the farthest from okay that we've ever been." I doubled over in hysterics. If I was going to do a scene, I was going to win an Oscar.

  "Sheldon, private. Please." Bryce tugged at my arm.

  I whirled on him next. "And you—where do I start with you?"

  "I agree with Bryce. Let's go somewhere private." Corrigan was at my elbow now. Both reached for me, but I hit them back.

  "Privacy. That's what you want now, but you guys don't get it. We have no privacy. Everyone wants to know what's going on with us. They want to break us up or destroy us. Little do they know that we're already destroyed. We haven't been together since—" I glanced where Dorothy still stood. "Since him. Everything unraveled after him and after..." Europe.

  "This is enough." Bryce took my arm.

  I yanked it away and stumbled. Corrigan tried to catch me, but I threw myself away from both of them. Then I floundered. In slow motion the ground came up at me, but then I felt a shove from behind. I turned my head to see where I was falling now. A sense of horror overcame me for a brief second before I crashed into a glass table. As I heard it shatter, I closed my eyes.

  CHAPTER NINE

  "She's bleeding everywhere!" someone screamed.

  "Oh my God."