Necessary Lies

  “There’s things worse than rape.” Eli looked away from me, out toward the road and my car. “When you go along with it like she had to, it kills you slow inside. She put up with it. Lived with it.” He looked at me again. “Everybody sayin’ Mary Ella’s a whore. This and that. She put up with it to get them extras for her family and a place to live.”

  “She actually told you all this?” I asked.

  “She got no reason to tell me tales.” He glanced over his shoulder, then said to me in a near whisper, “And where you think Rodney come from?”

  The shock of his words stopped my heart for a moment.

  “What’s going on here?” Lita had reached us and she took her son’s arm, looking from him to me.

  “I came to pay my respects,” I said, and my voice had a tremor that it didn’t have a few moments earlier.

  “Fine,” Lita said, drawing her son away from me. “I’ll pass them along, but you should go.”

  I hesitated, looking past her to Winona and Ivy. “All right,” I said, taking a step backward. “Please tell Winona and Ivy they’re in my prayers,” I added, but Lita and Eli had already turned away from me and were walking back to the gravesite. Only Mr. Gardiner was watching me now. He lifted a hand in a wave that looked hesitant, as if he weren’t sure if I was now friend or foe.

  * * *

  I thought of driving back to the office, but changed my mind and drove to the farm instead. I turned down the long dirt driveway to the Gardiners’ house, parked in front of the porch, and marched up the front steps. I sat down in one of the rockers. I would wait. My hands were knotted into fists on the broad arms of the chair. I was seething. If only I’d known, I could have done something. If only Eli had told me earlier. Mary Ella would never have dared to tell me herself. She just accepted what was dished out to her for the sake of her family. Ivy didn’t know. Winona, either. I was sure of it. They would never have allowed it.

  The front door suddenly opened and Desiree took a step onto the porch. “Miz Forrester?” She looked surprised to see me sitting there like I owned the place. “They ain’t home.”

  “I know,” I said. “I’m just going to sit here and wait for them to come back.”

  “Well, I believe Miz Gardiner’s gonna work at the store, so it’ll just be the mister.”

  “That’s fine.” I tried to smile, but my lips felt like wood. “That’s who I want to see.”

  “All right, then. Can I bring you something to drink?”

  “No, thank you, Desiree. I’m fine.”

  She gave me a look that told me I didn’t look fine at all, then nodded and walked back into the house.

  Moments later, Mr. Gardiner turned into the driveway, dust rising up around the truck as he drove in the direction of the shelter beyond the house, but the truck suddenly slowed and I knew he’d noticed my car—and perhaps, me. He parked behind my car and waved as he got out of the truck.

  “Sad day,” he said as he walked up the porch steps. “I’m sorry Eli didn’t let you come mourn with the rest of us. He was broke up. You know”—he lowered his voice to a whisper—“her being his sister and all.” He gave me a knowing look, as though he were mentioning some piece of information only the two of us were privy to.

  “Why did you always give the basket of extra food to Mary Ella?” I asked.

  He shrugged like my question made no sense. “They need it,” he said.

  “But why not to Ivy or Winona?”

  He folded his arms and leaned against the porch railing and I thought I should stand to be on more equal footing with him, but I was afraid my legs wouldn’t hold me. “What are you getting at?” he asked.

  “You’ve been taking advantage of her,” I said.

  He frowned. “Have you lost your mind? What kind of nonsense did Eli fill your head with?”

  “This has nothing to do with Eli,” I said. “I just need to know … Are you William’s father?”

  He let out a laugh so sharp it made me jerk back in the chair. “Now, look, miss,” he said, “if you’re set on hanging me, you just keep telling lies like that one. I never laid a hand on that girl. William’s daddy could be one of a hundred. I never held that against her like other people did. I treated that girl right.”

  I shook my head in disgust. “You used her,” I said. “She was so vulnerable, you knew she’d do anything you asked to help her family.” I thought of what Eli’d said about Rodney. It was too crazy. Yet Lita needed a house for her and her boys, too, didn’t she? Suddenly I remembered Avery telling me how she sometimes went missing in the night.

  “I told you,” Mr. Gardiner said, “Mary Ella Hart was a messed-up girl. Ain’t you figured that out by now, you being a high-and-mighty social worker and all? Don’t they train you to recognize craziness when you see it? Maybe she said something to Eli. I don’t know. I don’t have no crystal ball into their conversations. But I can tell you, if she said I done something like that it was just her sick mind doing the talking.”

  This was going nowhere, but what had I expected? That he would confess? Even if he did, so what? She was gone. Nothing was bringing Mary Ella back. My throat tightened, but I refused to break down in front of him.

  “I’ll…” I started to say that I’d be speaking to Charlotte about it when I saw her in the office the next day, but the lump in my throat cut off the words and I walked past him in silence. I was grateful that the tears waited until I got to my car.

  I drove out of his driveway in a cloud of dust, full of hatred for the man I’d so recently respected. Eli had no reason to lie to me, and Mary Ella had no reason to lie to him. I was sure it was the truth. It fit together as neatly as the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.

  Or did I just need someone to share my guilt?

  44

  Ivy

  “Okay, Ivy, you can sit up now.” Nurse Ann stepped away from the bed and pulled off the glove she always used when she examined me. I locked my knees together and sat up. It took me a minute because my belly was getting so big and my legs was shaking. Every minute she was checking me, I was afraid she was going to do the operation. I kept an eye on her the whole time. If she pulled out a knife or something that looked like it could cut me, I’d get off the bed and out of the room so fast she wouldn’t know what hit her. She handed me my underwear and I put it on fast.

  “Now listen,” she said, while I let Nonnie’s housedress fall over my knees. They was all I could wear these days—Nonnie’s big shapeless dresses. “Your grandmother tells me you’ve had a couple of minor seizures, so—”

  “She says that, but I ain’t had any. I don’t know why she says it.” Nonnie told me I had one the other day when I was getting dressed to go to Mary Ella’s service and that I might of had one when Mary Ella got hit by the truck, but Mr. Gardiner said I just fainted then.

  “They’ve always been the sort of seizure that you’re not aware of yourself, isn’t that true?”

  “No,” I argued, because I was afraid of what it might mean if I was really having fits again. “I used to know when they happened. I’d get this mixed-up feeling, like I didn’t know where I was. I ain’t had that feeling since I was little.”

  “Petit mal seizures can happen without you being aware of them,” she went on, like I didn’t say nothing. “And it sounds like they’re happening when you exert yourself, so I need you to rest between now and when your baby’s born. I also think he or she is going to be born earlier than we expected.”

  “Why do you think that?”

  “From the way you feel inside.” She wiggled her hand in the air like she was feeling inside me. “Have you had any bleeding or contractions? Pain in your belly?”

  “No, ma’am. I been fine,” I said, even though I never felt so un-fine in my life. How could I be fine? Everything was wrong. William was gone. My sister was in the ground. I couldn’t see Henry Allen and it felt like maybe I’d never see him again. Nonnie’s pee turned orange in the tube this morning and Nurse Ann told her s
he’d have to get shots if she didn’t eat right, which Nonnie wasn’t ever going to do. And Mrs. Forrester. I thought she was wonderful but turned out she was the worst person ever to come into my life. I didn’t believe her that she’d stop the operation. She promised, but why should I believe her when she already hurt us so much?

  I was afraid to say anything about the operation to Nurse Ann in case she forgot about it, but I had to know.

  “Did Mrs. Forrester get the operation stopped?” I asked.

  “Don’t worry about that right now. Do you understand what I’m saying about resting? Not doing anything that makes your heart beat fast or makes you breathe fast?”

  “What about the operation?”

  “Oh, Ivy.” She made a sound like she was tired of me, while she put her things away in her big nurse bag. She swung her long black braid over her shoulder. “You need to think of one thing at a time, please!” she said. “Just think of getting this baby into the world healthy and strong, okay?”

  “You’re not answering my question!” I shouted.

  “I haven’t spoken to Mrs. Forrester in several days,” she said, “so I don’t know what the current plan is.”

  “Well, I want to know,” I said.

  She smiled at me. “Of course you do. Hopefully I can tell you next time I see you.”

  I watched her walk out of the room, then I laid down on the bed and stared at the ceiling. I could hear Nurse Ann talking to Nonnie in the living room and I tried to listen but couldn’t hear what they was saying.

  I reached out across the bed, where Mary Ella and Baby William belonged, but all I felt in their place was the empty air.

  45

  Jane

  On Monday morning, Robert stood by the front door, waiting for his cab to the airport. Two suitcases sat at his feet—one with his suits for the medical conference, the other with more casual clothes for the week in Atlanta with his family. I knew there was something very wrong with our young marriage that I wanted him gone … and that he wanted to go. Last night in bed, after I’d told him every detail of my talk with Eli and then with Davison Gardiner, he sighed and turned his head toward me.

  “You know,” he said, “I’m really looking forward to two weeks away from your obsession.”

  “I’m not obsessed,” I argued.

  “Yes. You are. You’re distraught over a job you don’t need to be doing, and I’m sorry, but that makes it hard for me to give you much sympathy.”

  I was anxious to get to work this morning, but I didn’t want to leave until he was out the door. I walked over to him. Rested my hand on his arm. “Are we going to make it?” I asked quietly.

  He studied me without a smile, then brushed a strand of hair from my cheek. “Not if you insist on putting the needs of other people ahead of your husband’s,” he said.

  I dropped my hand. “I wish you understood.”

  “Here’s my cab.” He reached for his suitcases, one in either hand. I opened the door for him and he didn’t glance back at me as he headed down the steps.

  * * *

  I drove to work with my foot pressing the gas pedal nearly to the floor. I needed to talk to Charlotte about stopping Ivy’s petition as well as my suspicions about Davison Gardiner. But when I got to my office, the door was closed.

  “Charlotte’s meeting with Ann Laing,” Barbara said from her desk.

  “Oh good,” I said. I knocked on the door, opened it and poked my head inside.

  “I’m here,” I said to Charlotte. “Sorry I’m late. Can I come in? I need to talk to you about Ivy Hart.”

  “We’re just discussing her now,” Charlotte said. “Give us a minute. Why don’t you wait for me out there. I’ll be right out.” Ann didn’t even look in my direction. She kept her gaze on Charlotte. Something was going on.

  I hesitated. “Well … if you’re talking about her, can I come in? I have some serious concerns about—”

  “Wait for me out there, Jane,” Charlotte said. Her tone told me not to argue and I stepped back into the main office.

  “We need more space.” Barbara smiled at me from her desk. She nodded to the only other chair in the room. It was right next to the cupboards where I’d found the old eugenics pamphlets. “Have a seat,” she said.

  I sat down and opened my briefcase, pulling out files on some of my other clients. I tried to concentrate on them, but I was too annoyed. Charlotte and Ann were talking about my case in my office, but I wasn’t allowed to come in? It was humiliating as well as just plain wrong.

  Fifteen minutes passed before my office door opened and Ann came out. She gave me a quick wave, but left the main office without so much as a “hello.”

  I walked into my office and shut the door behind me. “What’s going on?” I asked Charlotte. She was jotting something in a folder on her lap. “Why was Ann here? Why couldn’t I come in?”

  “You said you have some concerns about Ivy Hart?” she asked.

  “I need to stop the petition,” I said, still standing in front of the door.

  Charlotte shook her head. “You don’t stop a petition after it’s been approved by the board, Jane.”

  “She doesn’t want it and I think, given what’s happened with her sister, we need to—”

  “She’s fifteen. She’s an epileptic. She’s pregnant and she didn’t even understand that she could get pregnant. How long do you think it will be before she’s pregnant again? It’s not up to her to make the decision. Her grandmother is her guardian and the decision is hers and the board’s. Not yours and not a fifteen-year-old girl’s.”

  “I promised her I wouldn’t let it happen to her.”

  Charlotte frowned. “That was very foolish. Now she’ll never have faith in a social worker again.”

  “Well, she will if I can stop it. And there’s something else going on.”

  “Davison Gardiner,” she said wearily, catching me by surprise. “Sit down, will you?”

  I made no move toward my chair. “How do you know?” I asked.

  “Because he called me first thing this morning. He told me you’re making accusations about him. He called you a ‘troublemaker,’ and I tend to agree.”

  “Eli Jordan was very close to Mary Ella and I believe him.”

  “What really concerns me regarding Mary Ella is that you missed her clinical depression,” Charlotte said. “I blame myself for that. You only had three days of training and no background for this sort of work at all.”

  “What background did Paula have?” I snapped, knowing I should control myself but I was out of patience. “Secretary of her Junior League?”

  Charlotte held up her hand like a warning. “Before you say anything else, Jane, I need to tell you that we’re letting you go.”

  “Letting me … what do you mean? You mean you’re firing me?”

  She nodded. “I discussed it with Fred and he completely agrees.”

  “Because … why? Because I care too much?”

  “Where do I begin?” she said. “I can’t count the number of department regulations you’ve chosen to disregard. We should have let you go right after the beach incident, but I guess our need for one more body in the office clouded our judgment.” She frowned up at me. “You get far too personally involved, Jane. It’s not good for you or your clients. You have no objectivity.”

  “Who’ll take over my cases?” I asked. If it was Gayle, I could reason with her. Explain to her about Ivy.

  “Paula will have the Harts, if that’s what you’re asking.”

  “Oh no,” I said. “Please give Gayle the Harts and the Jordans.”

  “This is exactly what I mean.” She pounded the arm of her chair sharply with her fist. “You can’t have favorites. We’re all human, of course, but you’ve neglected other cases to deal with these families, and—”

  “Who? Who have I neglected?” I was getting angrier by the minute.

  “I’m trying to control my temper, Jane,” Charlotte said, “but I’m furious
that you would approach Davison Gardiner on your own without discussing it with me first. You could set us up for a lawsuit.”

  “He’s the one who should be sued.”

  “Well, I’m sure Paula will look into your concerns about him, and if she feels there’s any merit to them, she’ll go through the proper channels.”

  Which I, clearly, had not done.

  “Don’t you have to give me two weeks’ notice?” I asked.

  “We’ll pay you for the two weeks.”

  Was she telling me I had to leave now? Today? I walked across the room and sank into my chair. “There must be a way to stop the petition,” I said, more to myself than to her.

  “Ann saw Ivy early this morning and Winona Hart told her that Ivy may have had a couple of seizures in the last few days. Plus Ann thinks she’s going to deliver early, so she’s making arrangements to admit her to the hospital this afternoon. I think that’s the best and safest place for her until she delivers.”

  Oh my God. Once she was in the hospital, they wouldn’t let her go until she’d had her baby and the surgery. And I wouldn’t even be able to talk to her. I was letting her down in the worst way.

  “But I’m the one who put the material together for the petition,” I argued. “I should be able to withdraw it.”

  “I did the early work on it, Jane, and Fred’s signature is on it. Mary Ella’s suicide just adds credibility to the instability of that family, you must see that, don’t you?” She leaned toward me, trying to get me to look her in the eye.

  I complied, unhappily.

  “Remember what I told you about how you should decide these cases?” she asked. “You ask yourself what chance a child would have growing up in that household.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t want the power to make that decision,” I said quietly.

  “That’s why I’m taking it away from you.” She turned back to her desk, and I guessed she was finished with me.

  Neither of us spoke as I emptied the few personal items from my desk drawers and put them in my briefcase. When I was finished, I stood up and walked to the door.