Beautiful Pain

  “Good to see you. Harry has been ranting about you for the past few days,” chuckled Lennox, and a wave of eagerness passed through his eyes. Harry laughed.

  “Whatever, I had to prepare you for seeing a beautiful girl.”

  “So what did he say about me?” asked Sophia, glancing from Harry to Lennox.

  “You know, the usual. He was emphasizing your beauty, your intellect, pretty much he said that you are perfect,” he beamed. Sophia felt heat blazing through her cheeks. She glanced at Harry, who looked annoyed.

  “As you can see he was over exaggerating. I am pretty ordinary.”

  “Harry doesn’t get involved with ordinary girls, love. You should keep away from him. He likes women way too much.”

  “Lennox! I am warning you, shut up,” fumed Harry, narrowing his eyes. Sophia laughed when Lennox patted Harry on his back.

  “Don’t worry, bro, I got everything covered. By the end of these twenty minutes she will be leaving you for me.”

  “I thought that you wanted to know how Mum is,” interrupted Harry, shifting the subject away from Sophia. She wasn’t sure why, but she instantly liked Lennox.

  “Yes, how is she?” asked Lennox with a lazy smile.

  “Not great, the radiotherapy took a lot out of her.”

  “I wrote her a letter, tell her that I will post it to her shortly.”

  “Mum loves getting letters from Lennox. He never wrote anything for her before,” said Harry, grinning. “He writes more here than when he was out.”

  “Be careful or I might forget that you are my little brother.”

  Sophia laughed.

  “I guess that you have been reading a lot. It’s a large facility, so you must have a good library here?”

  “I like this girl, she knows how to talk with sense. Unfortunately, I have to disappoint you, love, I ain’t the kind of guy that reads. I am more into a good workout.”

  “Yeah, he doesn’t read, Soph, Lennox thinks that his muscles are far more important than his brain,” smirked Harry.

  Lennox wrinkled his forehead with effort but he didn’t say anything. He probably didn’t want to lose control in the visiting room. Harry was doing a good job winding him up.

  “Enough about me, tell me something about you, Sophia. What do you do and how the hell did you meet my brother?”

  Sophia shifted on the chair; she hadn’t thought about this. She couldn’t just tell him that she was Harry’s probation officer. This was too dangerous. She exchanged a look with Harry, hoping that he had an idea.

  “We met in town during a night out,” she blurted out, feeling her pulse increase. Harry exhaled with relief.

  Lennox raised his eyebrow; he looked astonished and was scanning her face. This was bad lie, but she couldn’t think about anything else.

  “Really? Night out? Harry doesn’t do clubs, he is a house party guy,” said Lennox.

  “Well, I was out with some friends, and he was just drinking behind the bar. We were both bored and that’s how it all started,” she explained, feeling uneasy about the whole story. Harry’s eyes shifted away from his brother and met hers. A small smile crept over his lips. “Today he took me to the beach.”

  “The beach? Hmm, that’s good, bro. I taught you well,” muttered Lennox.

  They talked a few more minutes about Harry and Sophia’s day. Lennox kept glancing at the clock. He was obviously counting the minutes left for Harry’s visit to be over. He was much louder than Harry; he was eager to know what was going on around the neighborhood and about how Harry was getting on with his probation. They left the prison close to three o’clock. Sophia appreciated that Harry had introduced her to Lennox, although she didn’t want him to expect anything from her. They both knew that they shouldn’t be seen together, they were both risking too much.

  “I am glad you took me to meet him,” Sophia said once they were by Harry’s motorcycle.

  “Lennox can be very difficult, but it’s just his big ego that always gets him into trouble. I am not sure if he will ever change, even when he leaves prison.”

  “I don’t know, he might. People change.”

  “Not Lennox, he just doesn’t want to be ordinary,” said Harry. “He wants too much from life, and he isn’t prepared to wait.”

  “I want to thank you for that visit. I didn’t expect to meet your brother today,” said Sophia. “Give him a chance.”

  Harry nodded but didn’t reply. Sophia climbed back on the back of his motorcycle, thinking about the day that she’d spent with him. She wanted to tell him that this couldn’t continue. They were breaking so many rules, a relationship between them could never work.

  “Thank you for bringing me home,” she said as the drops of rain started to fall from the sky.

  “Let me walk you to the door.”

  He was making this much more difficult for her. She liked how peaceful he made her feel. Her heart was beating fiercely in her chest when they stepped inside her lobby.

  “I enjoyed myself today, but I enjoy more than anything else making you come,” he whispered into her ear. She couldn’t gather her thoughts when he was so close to her.

  “Harry, please. I had a great time, but what we are doing is wrong, we both know that this isn’t going to go anywhere,” she breathed out, but he didn’t let her continue. He was caressing her neck with his soft lips, pinning her hips to the wall. She was losing herself again, even when his lips travelled back to hers, she couldn’t push him away. When he was close she didn’t feel lost, abandoned, and worthless, she was alive. His other hand moved over her arms, causing the eruption of lust inside her core. He cupped her buttocks, pushing himself against her. Then he nibbled her neck, muttering how divine she smelt. She didn’t care that anyone could walk in on them at any second.

  “God you are so soft, you can’t even imagine how much I want to make love to you.”

  His other hand found her bare skin and his fingers brushed across her stomach, traveling upwards.

  The ache between her legs was pulsing again. She wanted to make love to him, but she couldn’t push him further, she was scared. His hand was caressing the upper part of her stomach when he suddenly froze and pulled away from her.

  “Sophia, your skin,” he murmured, moving his eyes to her T-shirt. The blood drained from Sophia’s face. He felt the scars, exposing her to humiliation. She swallowed hard and tugged her shirt down.

  “It’s nothing. I should go,” she said, quickly walking away. She was stupid, allowing him to touch her like that.

  “Where did you get these scars from, Sophia?” he repeated his question. She could feel his eyes on her back while she was desperately trying to call the lift. She couldn’t look at him. He wouldn’t understand her past, her regrets.

  “It’s none of your business! We shouldn’t have gone out today. I am not ready,” she yelled fighting the tears. She didn’t care that she sounded like a crazy person, but she couldn’t let him know that she loved this beautiful pain. He was looking at her confused and angry.

  “Sophia, calm down. I am just worried about you! Please, baby.”

  “I am sorry, but this was all wrong, this is wrong. We shouldn’t do this. I can’t see you anymore,” she cried.

  “I am sorry if I said anything wrong,” he pledged. “You can’t tell me that this whole day didn’t mean anything to you!”

  She shook her head, feeling sick as her stomach tightened. Blood was ringing in her ears.

  “No, it didn’t mean anything! Just leave me alone, Harry. I am going to ask Susan to transfer you to someone else,” she said, running upstairs, unable to stop herself from looking at him again

  “Sophia, for fuck’s sake,” he shouted, but she didn’t care anymore. She ran until she got to the apartment. She shut the door and started sobbing, feeling like everything that had happened today didn’t matter anymore. Sophia knew that if Harry realised what she had done to her body he would run away and call her a freak. She was damaged; her scars w
ere just a part of her now.

  He was probably standing downstairs thinking that she was crazy and she didn’t want to show him that he was wrong. It was better this way, it was easier for her to stay away from him. Fortunately for Sophia the apartment was empty.

  Her phone started ringing. She saw Harry’s name on the screen and cursed. She couldn’t talk to him, so she switched off the phone and crawled under the covers. She was hoping to get some sleep, forget about the pain. She wasn’t sure how, but she managed to fall asleep.

  A few hours later she blinked herself awake. She wanted to cry again, thinking about her blissful afternoon. She switched her phone back on, and a few text messages told her that her voicemail was full. They were probably all from Harry.

  Please talk to me. If I did something wrong then I am sorry. Don’t shut me off.

  Sophia scrolled through her contacts and dialed Ramona’s number. She had a lot to tell her and she wasn’t even sure how to start.

  Luckily she picked up straight away.

  “Sophia, mon chere, how are you?”

  “Something happened,” she began, swallowing her tears. There was a silence on the other side of the phone.

  “Right, fire away. I am sitting down.”

  “There is a guy that I got close to in the past few weeks,” she said, hoping that Ramona would stay calm, but she knew that she was asking for a lot.

  “I just need to know if you are serious. You know that I can’t handle this if you’re pranking me now.”

  “I am serious, but this isn’t a good story, it doesn’t have a happy ending.”

  “Any story is a happy story, mon chere. Now I am getting excited to hear about this guy, so you better start talking right now. Otherwise I am getting on the first available plane to Belfast,” she threatened.

  Sophia took a deep breath. She couldn’t just hang up now, but she knew that her friend was going to be upset that she didn’t call her earlier.

  “His name is Harry and I am his probation officer. He got under my skin straight after the first meeting and from there onwards it was just wrong ...”

  Chapter Twenty

  Sophia talked for about half an hour, telling Ramona about everything that had happened since she came to Belfast. She even mentioned today’s day on the beach and her first ever orgasm. She didn’t reveal Harry’s secret, because that was too dangerous and she couldn’t tell anyone about what he’d shared with her.

  “I can’t believe that you’re being such a bitch,” yelled Ramona. “Hiding all this from me!”

  “Can we not make this about you, Ram? Right now I am the one in pieces,” howled Sophia, unable to stop her tears.

  “Stop being a wimp you idiot and tell me how does he make you feel?” snapped Ramona and Sophia stopped sobbing. Her friend was right, she had to pull herself together.

  “I feel good being with him. I don’t have any panic attacks and I don’t feel like I am drowning again, but this is so wrong, Ramona. He hardly knows anything about me. I didn’t tell him anything about London. He wouldn’t understand.”

  “Bullshit, he doesn’t sound like a guy who wouldn’t give a fuck. You let him go further than anyone else and it’s a huge step for you. Maybe you shouldn’t write him off straight away. Just tell your supervisor that you don’t want to work with him and then you will be free to do whatever the fuck you want.”

  “It’s not that easy.”

  “Oh my God, Sophia, you are such an idiot. You live in a bubble. Not all people are bad. Just give him a chance.”

  “Please don’t shout at me.”

  “I have to shout at you, otherwise nothing gets inside that stupid brain of yours,” pressed Ramona, irritated.

  “There is nothing more to say. I won’t see him again. We are both completely different people that can’t be together.”

  “He made you come for the first time in your life and you are going to pretend that nothing happened between the two of you?”

  “I don’t know, but I am certain that I have to go out with Mason to erase my memories of Harry completely.”

  Ramona laughed.

  “And what are you going to do after you and Mason get close? Are you going to run away like you did with Harry?”

  For a few moments there was silence. Sophia wasn’t sure how to answer any of these questions. Ramona knew everything about her past, about the long therapy, and now Sophia was ashamed that she’d cut herself after the date with Mason.

  “I am not a mind reader, so I don’t know what is going to happen.”

  “Sophia, you are beautiful, but you have to stop hiding. I am coming over earlier than I originally planned.”

  “What? When?”

  “The first week of August,” announced Ramona.

  “That’s two weeks away. I need to ask Vanessa if she will be okay with you staying.”

  “Don’t worry about that. I can afford to stay in a hotel. Hopefully by the time I get there you will have sorted out which guy you want to date. Personally I think you should come clean and tell whoever you are choosing about your issues and the therapy.”

  “Just let me know when you will be boarding the plane,” said Sophia, ignoring Ramona’s advice.

  “Sophia, I love you, but you have to stop being a baby. They are men, they will want to sleep with you. The scars are just part of you now.”

  “All right, Ram, I know but you know me. I don’t like talking about me. Anyway, I need to go now.”

  “Whatever, Sophe, we will get back to this conversation once I see you. Take care of yourself and give him a chance.”

  Sophia hung up. She wasn’t sure if she should listen to her cousin. Her scars were humiliating, her past damaging. She was leaving Belfast for good in two months’ time anyway. She was certain neither Harry nor Mason would follow her. Maybe it was better if she chose not to date; it would save her hassle and tears.

  Twenty minutes later she heard voices in the living room. She’d completely forgotten that Vanessa was finishing work early today and Timothy was coming over. She had to say hello; she didn’t want to be rude since Vanessa had obviously made the decision to see Tim again.

  She left the room and went to meet them. Vanessa introduced her to Tim, who apologized about his earlier meeting. Vanessa mentioned that Tim was going to cook dinner and when she asked Sophia about her day she waved her off, saying that they could talk about this later. Sophia couldn’t ruin everyone’s good mood. She wasn’t prepared to talk about it in front of Timothy.

  As she talked with Vanessa’s boyfriend, she learnt that he was very intelligent, the complete opposite of Vanessa, and as the evening progressed he relaxed. Vanessa looked happy, but Sophia knew that she still didn’t trust him. Later on in the evening she said to Sophia that they are working on their friendship. Sophia wasn’t quite sure how this was going to work when she heard that Tim was sleeping in Vanessa’s room.

  ***

  Sophia decided to delete all the messages from Harry since she hadn’t replied to any of his texts. After a few days he stopped calling and texting all together. She couldn’t face him. She was going into work and dreading the day of his review. She was safe this week, but she didn’t know what she was going to do next Monday.

  During her lunch hour, she had a phone call from Mason asking her if she was all right to go out with him on Thursday. Often Sophia found out that she couldn’t say no when people wanted something from her.

  “Have you got any plans?” she asked, biting her lip.

  “We can go to the cinema first and then for a nice walk,” he suggested.

  “Yes, that sounds good. What time are you going to pick me up?”

  “I am not going to drive this time. I will ring you at eight.”

  That was it, and she didn’t even know why she agreed to go. Harry was still haunting her and she felt bad that she left him not explaining anything at all. He had shared everything with her, all of his deepest secrets. She couldn’t judge him if whatev
er he was doing was morally wrong or right, but she wasn’t prepared to share this with anyone else, even if it meant that she was going to lose her job.

  Every time her mind reminded her about his touch, she shivered and the ache between her legs returned, leaving her unable to concentrate. Was she going mad? She couldn’t think straight in work. She kept seeing other offenders, asking them about their personal life, but deep down she felt empty and dejected. The work didn’t give her satisfaction anymore. She couldn’t possibly fall for Harry O’Donaghue. He was everything that she didn’t want and wasn’t looking for.