Pulse

  ‘That’s my man.’

  ‘Would anyone care if one of them did something bad in that line? And got photographed?’

  ‘It would depend on the quality and nature of the contrition.’

  ‘Like Hugh Grant after getting a blow job in his car.’

  ‘Now she inhaled.’

  ‘Dick, stop it. Remove that bottle from in front of him.’

  ‘“The quality and nature of the contrition” – I like that.’

  ‘Not that Bush apologised for having been a cokehead.’

  ‘Well, he wasn’t endangering others.’

  ‘Course he was.’

  ‘You mean, like passive smoking? I don’t think there’s passive coke-inhalation, is there?’

  ‘Not unless you sneeze.’

  ‘So there are no harmful effects on others?’

  ‘Apart from them having to listen to tediously self-excited conversation.’

  ‘Actually …’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘If Bush was, as they say, an alkie and a cokehead in his former existence, then that would help explain his presidency.’

  ‘You mean, brain damage?’

  ‘No, the absolutism of the recovering addict.’

  ‘You are coming out with the phrases tonight.’

  ‘Well, it’s my trade.’

  ‘The absolutism of the recovering addict. Sorry about that, Baghdad.’

  ‘So what we’re saying is, it does make a difference what they smoked.’

  ‘Cigars used to make me mellow.’

  ‘Cigarettes used to give me such a high sometimes, my legs would tingle.’

  ‘Oh, I remember that.’

  ‘I knew someone who would set an alarm clock so he could wake up and have one in the middle of the night.’

  ‘Who was that, sweetie?’

  ‘Before your time.’

  ‘I should bloody well hope so.’

  ‘Anyone see that thing in the paper about Macmillan?’

  ‘The cancer charity?’

  ‘No, the prime minister. When he was Chancellor of the Exchequer. ’55, ’56, something like that. A report came in making the link between smoking and cancer. Oh fuck, he thought, where’s the money going to come from if we have to ban fags? Three and six in the pound extra on income tax, or whatever. Then he looked at the figures. I mean, the mortality figures. Life expectancy for a smoker: seventy-three years. Life expectancy for a non-smoker: seventy-four.’

  ‘Is that true?’

  ‘That’s what it said. So Macmillan wrote on the report: “Treasury think revenue interest outweighs this.”’

  ‘It’s the hypocrisy I can’t stand.’

  ‘Did Macmillan smoke?’

  ‘Pipe and cigarettes.’

  ‘One year. One year’s difference. It’s amazing when you think about it.’

  ‘Maybe we should all take it up again. Just round this table. Secret defiance of a PC world.’

  ‘Why shouldn’t people smoke themselves to death? If you only lose a year.’

  ‘Not forgetting the hideous pain and suffering before you get to be the dying seventy-three-year-old.’

  ‘Reagan advertised Chesterfields, didn’t he? Or was it Lucky Strike?’

  ‘What’s that got to do with it?’

  ‘It must have something to do with it.’

  ‘It’s the hypocrisy I can’t stand.’

  ‘You keep saying that.’

  ‘Well, it is. That’s why I do. Governments telling people it’s bad for them while living off the tax. Cigarette companies knowing it’s bad for people and selling their stuff to the Third World because of getting sued here.’

  ‘Developing World, not Third World. We don’t say that any more.’

  ‘The Developing-Cancer World.’

  ‘Not to mention the Humphrey Bogart thing. Remember when they wanted to put him on a stamp and he was smoking in the photo so they airbrushed it out? In case people were sticking a stamp on a letter and saw Bogey smoking and suddenly thought: well, that looks like a good idea.’

  ‘They’ll probably find a way of cutting the smoking out of films. Like colourising black-and-white movies.’

  ‘When I was growing up in South Africa, the censorship board cut any film that showed normal contact between blacks and whites. They got Island in the Sun down to about twenty-four minutes.’

  ‘Well, most films are too long.’

  ‘I didn’t realise you grew up in South Africa.’

  ‘And the other thing was, everyone smoked in cinemas. Remember that? You watched the screen through a great haze of smoke.’

  ‘Ashtrays in the armrests.’

  ‘Right.’

  ‘But the thing about Bogey smoking … Sometimes, when I’m watching an old film, and there’s a scene in a nightclub with a couple drinking and smoking and swapping bons mots, I think: this is so fucking glamorous. And then I think: actually, can I have a cigarette and a drink right now?’

  ‘It was glamorous.’

  ‘Apart from the cancer.’

  ‘Apart from the cancer.’

  ‘And the hypocrisy.’

  ‘Well, don’t inhale.’

  ‘Passive hypocrisy?’

  ‘It happens. All the time.’

  ‘Is “colourise” a proper verb, by the way?’

  ‘And does anyone want coffee?’

  ‘Only if you’ve got a cigarette.’

  ‘That was always part of it, wasn’t it? The cigarette with the coffee.’

  ‘I don’t think there are any in the house. Jim left some Gauloises when he stayed, but they’re so strong we threw them away.’

  ‘And that friend of yours left some Silk Cut, but they’re too weak.’

  ‘We were in Brazil last year and the health warnings out there are apocalyptic. Colour pictures on the packet of hideous things – deformed babies, pickled lungs and stuff. And the warnings … None of that polite “Her Majesty’s Government” stuff. Or “The Surgeon-General has determined”. They tell you which bits will drop off. There was this guy who went into a shop and bought a packet of … I forget which brand. And he comes out, looks at the health warning, goes back in, hands the packet back and says, “These ones make you impotent. Can I have a packet that gives me cancer?”’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Well, I thought it was funny.’

  ‘Perhaps you’ve told them the story before, darling.’

  ‘The buggers could still laugh. It’s my wine they’re drinking.’

  ‘It was more the way you told it, Phil. Need to tighten the narrative.’

  ‘Bastard.’

  ‘I think we’ve got some grass someone left.’

  ‘Have we?’

  ‘Yes, in the fridge door.’

  ‘Where in the fridge door?’

  ‘The shelf with the parmesan and the tomato paste.’

  ‘Who left it?’

  ‘Can’t remember. It must be quite old. Probably lost its jizz by now.’

  ‘Does it lose its jizz?’

  ‘Everything loses its jizz.’

  ‘Presidential candidates?’

  ‘Them more than anyone.’

  ‘I offered it to Doreena.’

  ‘Who’s Doreena?’

  ‘Our cleaner.’

  ‘Doreena the Cleaner. Are you having us on?’

  ‘You offered it to Doreena?’

  ‘Sure. Is it against the Employment Act or something? Anyway, she didn’t want it. Said she didn’t do that stuff any more.’

  ‘Christ, what’s the world coming to when one’s cleaner refuses an offer of free drugs?’

  ‘Of course, we know cigarettes are more addictive than anything. Alcohol, soft drugs, hard drugs. More addictive than heroin.’

  ‘Do we know that?’

  ‘Well, I read it in the paper. Cigarettes top of the list.’

  ‘Then we know it.’

  ‘More addictive than power?’

  ‘Now there’s the question.??
?

  ‘We also know – but not from the papers – that all smokers are liars.’

  ‘So you’re calling us all ex-liars?’

  ‘Yup. And I’m one too.’

  ‘Are you going to be more specific?’

  ‘You lie to your parents when you take it up. You lie about how many you smoke – either under or over. Oh, I’m a four-pack-a-day man, like I’ve got the biggest cock. Or, Oh, we only have one occasionally. That means three a day, minimum. Then you lie about it when you try to give up. And you lie to your doctor when you get cancer. Oh, I never smoked that much.’

  ‘Bit hard-line.’

  ‘True, though. Sue and I used to cheat on one another.’

  ‘Dav-id.’

  ‘I only mean about cigarettes, sweetie. “I just had one at lunchtime.” And “No, the others were smoking, that’s what you can smell.” We both did that.’

  ‘So vote for the non-smoker. Vote Hillary.’

  ‘Too late. Anyway, I think smokers just lie about smoking. Like drinkers just lie about drinking.’

  ‘That’s not true. I’ve known drinkers. Serious drinkers lie about everything. So they can drink. And I’ve lied about other things so I could smoke. You know, “I’ll just go outside and get some fresh air”, or “No, I’ve got to get back to the kids.”’

  ‘OK, so we’re saying, smokers and drinkers are general liars.’

  ‘Vote Hillary.’

  ‘We’re saying, all liars indulge in lying.’

  ‘That’s too philosophical for this time of night.’

  ‘Self-deceivers, too, that’s the other thing. Our friend Jerry was a big smoker – he was of that generation. Went for a general check-up in his sixties and was told he had prostate cancer. Opted for radical surgery. They took his balls away.’

  ‘They took his balls away?’

  ‘Yup.’

  ‘So – so he had just a cock?’

  ‘Well, they gave him prosthetic balls.’

  ‘What are they made of ?’

  ‘I don’t know – plastic, I think. Anyway, they’re the same weight. So you don’t notice.’

  ‘So you don’t notice?’

  ‘Do they make them move around like real ones?’

  ‘Are we getting off the subject?’

  ‘Do you know what French slang for balls is? Les valseuses. The waltzers. Because they move around.’

  ‘Is that female? I mean feminine. Valseuses.’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Why is bollocks feminine in French?’

  ‘We’re definitely getting off the subject.’

  ‘Testicules isn’t. But valseuses is.’

  ‘Female bollocks. Trust the French.’

  ‘No wonder they didn’t support the Iraq war.’

  ‘Not that anyone around this table did.’

  ‘I was sort of 60/40.’

  ‘How can you be 60/40 on something like Iraq? It’s like being 60/40 on flat-earth theory.’

  ‘I’m 60/40 on that too.’

  ‘Anyway, the reason I brought up Jerry was because he said he was relieved when they told him he had prostate cancer. He said if it’d been lung cancer, he’d have had to give up smoking.’

  ‘So he carried on?’

  ‘Yup.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘Well, he was OK for a few years. Quite a few years. Then the cancer came back.’

  ‘Did he give up then?’

  ‘No. He said there was no point giving up at that stage – he’d rather have the pleasure. I remember the last time we visited him in hospital. He was sitting up in bed watching the cricket with a huge ashtray full of butts in front of him.’

  ‘The hospital let him smoke?’

  ‘It was a private room. It was a private hospital. And this was some years ago. He’d paid – it was his room. That was the attitude.’

  ‘Why were you telling us about this guy?’

  ‘I can’t remember now. You distracted me.’

  ‘Self-deception.’

  ‘That’s right – self-deception.’

  ‘Sounds like the opposite to me – as if he knew exactly what he was doing. Maybe he decided it was worth it.’

  ‘That’s what I mean by self-deception.’

  ‘In which case being a smoker is a necessary training for being president.’

  ‘I really think Obama can do it. As your token American.’

  ‘I agree. Well, I’m 60/40 on it.’

  ‘You’re a liberal – you’re 60/40 on everything.’

  ‘I’m not sure I’d agree.’

  ‘See, he’s even 60/40 on whether or not he’s 60/40.’

  ‘By the way, you’re wrong about Reagan.’

  ‘He didn’t advertise Chesterfields?’

  ‘No, I mean he didn’t die of lung cancer.’

  ‘I didn’t say he did.’

  ‘Didn’t you?’

  ‘No. He had Alzheimer’s.’

  ‘Statistically, smokers get Alzheimer’s much less than non-smokers.’

  ‘That’s because they’re already dead by the time it normally strikes.’

  ‘New Brazilian health warning: “These Cigarettes Help Avoid Alzheimer’s.”’

  ‘We picked up a New York Times the other week. We were on a flight. There was a report about a study of life expectancy and the comparative cost to the government, or rather the country, of different ways of dying. And those statistics Macmillan was given – when was that?’

  ‘’55, ’56, I think.’

  ‘Well, they’re all to cock. Probably were at the time too. If you’re a smoker you tend to die in your mid-seventies. If you’re obese, you tend to die around eighty. And if you’re a healthy, non-smoking, non-obese person, you tend to die at an average of about eighty-four.’

  ‘They need a study to tell us that?’

  ‘No, they need a study to tell us this: the cost in healthcare to the nation. And this was the thing. Smokers were the cheapest. Next came obese people. And all those healthy, non-obese, non-smokers ended up being the biggest drain of all on the country.’

  ‘That’s amazing. That’s the most important thing anyone’s said all evening.’

  ‘Apart from how good the lamb was.’

  ‘Stigmatising smokers, taxing the fuck out of them, making them stand on street corners in the rain, instead of thanking them for being the nation’s cheap dates.’

  ‘It’s the hypocrisy I can’t stand.’

  ‘Anyway, smokers are nicer than non-smokers.’

  ‘Apart from giving non-smokers cancer.’

  ‘I don’t think there’s any medical basis for the theory of passive smoking.’

  ‘Nor do I. Not being a doctor. Just as you aren’t.’

  ‘I think it’s more a metaphor really. Like, don’t invade my space.’

  ‘A metaphor for US foreign policy. Are we back to Iraq?’

  ‘What I meant was, well, it always seemed to me that when everyone smoked, non-smokers were nicer. Now it’s the other way round.’

  ‘The persecuted minority is always nicer? Is that what Joanna’s saying?’

  ‘I’m saying there’s a camaraderie. If you go up to someone on the pavement outside a pub or a restaurant and ask to buy a cigarette, they’ll always give you one.’

  ‘I thought you didn’t smoke.’

  ‘No, but if I did, they would.’

  ‘I spy a late switch into the conditional tense.’

  ‘I told you, all smokers are liars.’

  ‘Sounds like a matter to be discussed after we’ve all departed.’

  ‘What’s Dick laughing at?’

  ‘Oh, prosthetic balls. It’s just the idea. Or the phrase. Multiple application, I’m sure. French foreign policy, Hillary Clinton.’

  ‘Dick.’

  ‘I’m sorry, I’m just an old-fashioned guy.’

  ‘You’re just an old-fashioned child.’

  ‘Ouch. But Mummy, when I grow up, will I be allowed to smoke?’

&nbs
p; ‘All this stuff about politicians needing balls. It’s just … bollocks.’

  ‘Touché.’

  ‘You know, I’m surprised that pal of yours didn’t go back to the doctor, or the surgeon, and say, Can I have a different sort of cancer instead of the one that makes you chop my bollocks off?’

  ‘It wasn’t like that. He had a choice of different approaches. He chose the most radical.’

  ‘You can say that again. Nothing 60/40 about it.’

  ‘How can you do 60/40 when you’ve only got two balls?’

  ‘60/40 is a metaphor.’

  ‘Is it?’

  ‘Everything’s a metaphor at this time of night.’

  ‘On which note, can you call us a literal taxi?’

  ‘Do you remember the morning after a big smoke? The cigarette hangover?’

  ‘Most mornings. The throat. The dry nose. The chest.’

  ‘And the way it was clearly separable from the booze hangover you often had at the same time.’

  ‘Booze makes you loose, fags make you tight.’

  ‘Eh?’

  ‘Smoking constricts the blood vessels. That’s why you could never start the day with a decent crap.’

  ‘Was that why?’

  ‘Speaking as a non-doctor, that was your problem.’

  ‘So we’re back where we began?’

  ‘Which is where?’

  ‘The inverted plastic bag and –’

  ‘Dick, now we really are going.’

  But we didn’t. We stayed, and talked some more, and decided that Obama would beat McCain, that the Conservatives were only temporarily indistinguishable from the Labour Party, that al-Qaida would certainly attack the 2012 Olympics, that in a few years Londoners would start getting nostalgic about bendy buses, that in a few decades vineyards would once again be planted along Hadrian’s Wall as in Roman times, and that, in all probability, for the rest of the life of the planet, some people somewhere would always be smoking, the lucky buggers.

  Sleeping with John Updike

  ‘I THOUGHT THAT went very well,’ Jane said, patting her handbag as the train doors closed with a pneumatic thump. Their carriage was nearly empty, its air warm and stale.

  Alice knew to treat the remark as a question seeking reassurance. ‘You were certainly on good form.’

  ‘Oh, I had a nice room for a change. It always helps.’

  ‘They liked that story of yours about Graham Greene.’

  ‘They usually do,’ Jane replied with a slight air of complacency.