Rumors (A Lingering Echoes Prequel)

  ***

  My day progressed with a sense of awkwardness about it, but the everyday interactions with my teachers and friends had to go on. Some people, my ex-teammates in particular, avoided me when we saw each other across the hall. Either that, or phone conversations and rummaging through backpacks often became super important the moment our paths crossed. I recognized it since I’d used the same excuse often enough. At the other end of the spectrum, other students made such a blatant effort to talk to me about anything but basketball that I tried not to cringe during the forced conversation. Why did my decision have to be such a big deal? At times, it was like ignoring “the elephant in the room”. Although, my personal life seemed to have become one fat, overgrown elephant since school began, so it wasn’t all that new, really.

  Fighting the hesitancy, I sat with my group at lunch. We all tried to talk about anything but sports, even though we’d normally be discussing next week’s tournament. At the ring of the bell, Shane pulled me aside. We really hadn’t spent a lot of time together lately.

  “Hey, are you going to be ok?” he asked.

  I shrugged. “Yeah, I guess so. It’d help if everyone else was ok with my decision, instead of treating me like the black sheep of the group.”

  “No one’s doing that,” he tried to say, though we both caught Tara’s glare as she passed by. She was still not talking to me. At lunch, she made a point of boisterously talking to Austin, keeping her back turned to me the entire time. “Ok, maybe some are… I think—” He stopped short.

  “What?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Whatever it is, just say it. Please.”

  Shane licked his lips. “I think people are mad and confused about your decision because they don’t know where you’re coming from. If this has something to do with your cousin… maybe you could explain—”

  “I don’t have to explain anything,” I said, my defenses rising. We were about to breach uncharted territory, and I wasn’t about to have that part of my personal life roaming around school unsupervised. Talking to Taylor and Leah this morning was about as close as I’d come to broaching the subject. “I don’t want to talk about Maddie. No one will understand.”

  “Have you even tried?” Shane’s irritation flashed in his brown eyes, meeting the sharpness of my own. The sudden intensity behind his words made me think he’d been holding back this conversation for quite some time.

  “It’s no one’s business!”

  “Well, maybe that’s why you’re standing alone in your decisions, Allie. If you feel like you’re not supported right now, it’s because you haven’t given anyone a chance.” For the first time, Shane’s conversation with me took on truth and meaning. The seriousness of his words took me by surprise. Still, I took a step back, my obstinate nature kicking in.

  “What? You really think if I tried to tell you about Maddie’s death and how I’m feeling, that you would be up for that? That you wouldn’t just try and kiss me to make me forget about it?” I was trying to make him mad so that he would walk away, but he still stood there. He ran a hand through his hair while he looked away for a moment, releasing a sigh. He softened his voice as he took my hand.

  “Allie, I’m sorry. Forget I said anything.” Bringing his lips to my cheek, he added, “Just know that I’m here for you—and I love you.”

  My hand slipped from his. My feet stepped backwards once more, widening our gap. “Wait, what?” I couldn’t help the incredulous laugh that escaped my mouth.

  Shane put his hands up. “Ok, hold on. Don’t freak out on me… That was poor timing on my part.”

  You think?

  I cocked my head in confusion, my words faltering. “Shane, we talked about this. You told me from the beginning that we were just having fun. I can handle fun. I don’t want to deal with—“

  “Allie,” Shane cut in, “I said ‘I love you.’ It wasn’t a marriage proposal. I just meant I care about you. Why does that scare you so much?” He was breaking the rules, getting too close. I had enough emotions to sort through without worrying about Shane taking our relationship up a notch. What was the point when we were both graduating and moving on anyway?

  “Shane—” I looked to the floor, shaking my head. “How can you say you love me? We barely know each other.”

  “I didn’t mean anything by it—”

  “Then why’d you say it? That’s my point, Shane. People toss it around like it’s no big deal. And really, this whole thing has just been—” I let out a sigh, shaking my head. How could I explain to him that everything about this school year felt like one pressure after another, including our relationship? There were some perks to being with him, but it would be unfair to string him along when my heart wasn’t into it. Besides, if he was already throwing ‘I love you’s’ at me, what else was he going to expect? Was he just building a platform for his intentions on graduation night?

  The second bell rang. We were standing alone in the hall and late to class.

  “Allie, you are reading way too much into this—”

  “Whether I am or not,” I continued, “I just need to simplify my life right now, ok?” I hoped he understood what my words implied.

  Shane clenched his jaw, his eyebrows pulling together. “Are you serious? You’re ending this because I said ‘I love you?’”

  “No, it’s not just that. Shane, I’m sorry… there’s just so much going on right now and I’m trying to figure everything out—and I can’t do that if I’m worrying about you and everyone else.” The words sounded so selfish! And yet, I knew this was what I needed to do.

  “Ok, look… I get it if you need to take some time to think things through. Christmas break is about to start. Maybe we just need to take a couple weeks off and start fresh—” Shane stopped talking when I shook my head. I didn’t know how else to explain myself without being mean.

  His expression tightened, like he understood I wasn’t backing down on my decision. He put up his hands. “Fine. Whatever, Allie.” Watching him leave, I felt a jolt in my stomach, not entirely sure I was making the right decision. I still cared about him.

  “Wait, Shane—can’t we please still be friends?”

  “You can’t have it both ways, Allie. I don’t want to just be your friend.” He retreated down the hall, but paused to turn around and say, “I hope one day you’ll give somebody a chance, and stop shutting people out of your life.”

  I watched him leave until he rounded the corner. Then I slumped against the wall, feeling mean and small.