How to Fall in Love

  Three-year-old Alicia was sitting on the front steps of her porch with a car seat beside her. Alicia was Brenda’s youngest child and as part of my aunt duties, which I thoroughly enjoyed – with Alicia, mostly, as I couldn’t quite connect with the boys who always wanted to tie me up and chant about spit-roasting me whenever I walked in the door – I took her out for a few hours every week. Our day-trips in this current form had started four months ago, probably about the same time that I started to think about leaving my marriage. I had been driving Alicia to a play centre where I could let her off her leash in a room built entirely of sponge and watch her bouncing from wall to wall and toppling down stairs into tubs of plastic balls, and then try to hide my horrified expression when she checked to see if I was watching. On the way to the play centre, Alicia announced at the traffic lights where we would usually take a right that instead she wanted me to take a left. In no hurry to see her being squished as she crawled between two padded, turning cylinders in the name of fun, and contemplative after my previous night’s fantasy of me with another man, I had taken a left and then asked Alicia which way to go next. For an hour we drove around, taking turns at Alicia’s command. We did this every week, always ending up in different places. It allowed me to think, it passed the time, and it allowed Alicia the novelty of exercising authority over a grown-up.

  One of the pieces of advice in the Simple Ways to Enjoy Life manual was to Spend time with kids. It explained that surveys had shown the happiness caused by children was immense. Although I had read other studies that ranked it no higher than going food shopping. I suppose it depended on whether you liked kids or not. I was hoping this would be another way to get Adam to open his eyes to the beauty of life. And he wouldn’t get arrested for watching this child.

  ‘Hi, Alicia.’ I gave her a hug.

  ‘Hi, poo poo.’

  ‘Why are you out here on your own?’

  ‘Lee is doing a poo poo.’

  Lee, her childminder, waved from the window with six-month-old Jayden in her arms. I took it as a sign I could take Alicia away.

  I opened the passenger door, disturbing Adam, who was practically comatose.

  ‘You can sit in the back seat beside Alicia. This is Adam, he’s going to get lost with us.’

  I wanted him to be able to engage in a conversation with her; in the front of the car she would be easy to ignore.

  ‘Is he your one true love, poo poo?’

  ‘No, poo poo, he’s not.’

  Alicia giggled.

  I lifted the car seat and inserted it into the car, then helped Alicia in. Adam got in beside her, still disengaged and looking out the window. He took a break from his daydream to glance at the cute three-year-old being strapped in beside him. They both stared at each other; neither of them said anything.

  ‘How was Montessori today?’ I asked.

  ‘Good, poo poo.’

  ‘Are you going to say poo poo in every sentence?’

  ‘Yes, wee wee.’

  Adam looked confused but amused.

  ‘Do you have any kids in your family?’ I asked him.

  ‘Yeah, Lavinia’s. But they’re pretentious little fuckers. Losing their house is probably the best thing that could have happened to them.’

  ‘Nice,’ I complimented him, sarcastically.

  ‘Sorry,’ Adam winced.

  I watched them both in the rear-view mirror.

  ‘So how old are you?’Adam asked Alicia.

  Alicia held up four fingers.

  ‘You’re four.’

  ‘She’s three,’ I said.

  ‘And evidently a liar,’ Adam accused her.

  ‘Look my nose, woooo!’ Alicia pretended her nose was growing.

  ‘Where are we going?’ Adam asked.

  ‘Left,’ Alicia said.

  ‘She’s three and she knows the directions?’

  I smiled and indicated left. When I got to the end of the road, I looked at Alicia in the mirror.

  ‘Right,’ Alicia said.

  I turned right.

  ‘Seriously, you know the directions?’ Adam turned to Alicia.

  ‘Yep,’ Alicia said.

  ‘How? You’re three.’

  ‘I know all the directions. To everywhere. In the whole world. Want to go to poo poo street?’ She threw her head back and cackled.

  We took various turns, left, right, straight on, all on Alicia’s instruction. Ten minutes passed.

  ‘Okay, can I ask where exactly we’re going?’ Adam asked.

  ‘Left,’ Alicia said again.

  ‘I know we’re going left, but left to where?’ he asked me.

  ‘This is the way to get lost,’ I said.

  ‘So we just drive round and round, taking directions from a child?’ he asked.

  ‘Exactly. Then we try to find our way home.’

  ‘For how long?’

  ‘A few hours.’

  ‘And you do this how often?’

  ‘Usually on a Sunday. This is a special extra outing. It’s better when the roads aren’t busy. It’s an interesting thing to do. The only rule is that the motorways are off limits. Once we ended up in the Dublin mountains, another time Malahide beach. When we arrive somewhere we like, we get out and take a look around. We discover new things every week. Sometimes we don’t leave Clontarf and end up going in circles, but she never notices really.’

  ‘Right,’ Adam called out.

  ‘That’s the sea, poo poo,’ Alicia laughed.

  ‘Exactly,’ Adam said, wanting out.

  He was quiet for fifteen minutes as he disappeared into a mood.

  ‘I want to have a go,’ he said suddenly. ‘Can I say the directions?’

  ‘No!’ Alicia snapped.

  ‘Alicia,’ I warned.

  ‘Can I say the directions, please, poo poo?’ Adam asked.

  Alicia laughed. ‘Okay.’

  ‘All right.’ Adam thought hard. ‘Take a left at the lights.’

  I studied him in the mirror. ‘You can’t take us to Maria’s.’

  ‘I’m not,’ he snapped.

  We took a left and drove for a few minutes. We eventually reached a wall, a complete dead-end.

  ‘I swear this has never happened before,’ I said, putting the car in reverse.

  ‘Typical.’ Adam folded his arms in a huff.

  ‘Try again, poo poo,’ Alicia said, feeling sorry for him.

  ‘There’s a small road down that way,’ Adam said.

  ‘That’s a dirt track and we have no idea where it will take us.’

  ‘It will lead somewhere.’

  I took a left. My phone rang and I put it on speaker phone.

  ‘Christine, it’s me.’

  ‘Oscar, hi.’

  ‘I’m at the bus stop.’

  ‘Good for you. How are you feeling?’

  ‘Not too good. I can’t believe you’re taking two weeks off.’

  ‘I’m sorry. But I’m always available on the phone.’

  ‘I’d really like it if you were here in person.’ His voice was shaking. ‘Maybe you could meet me, maybe you could get on the bus with me?’

  ‘Can’t do that, Oscar. I’m sorry, you know I can’t do that.’

  ‘I know, I know, you say it’s unprofessional,’ he said sadly.

  I’d go out of my way to help my clients, but I drew a line at physically getting on buses with Oscar. I looked at Adam in the mirror to see if he had heard and he smirked at my teachings versus our current scenario. ‘You can do this, Oscar,’ I insisted. ‘Take deep breaths, allow your body to relax.’ I was so distracted talking to Oscar that I was mindlessly driving down the country road, surrounded on both sides by green fields. It was a road I’d never been down before. Occasionally, when we came to a junction, I’d hear either Adam or Alicia shout a direction. Finally Oscar had made it four stops and was feeling jubilant; he hung up the phone, dancing all the way back to his house. Adam’s phone, which was in the front of the car beside mine, started
ringing. I could see it was Maria on the display screen. I answered it without Adam noticing and this time didn’t bother with the loudspeaker.

  ‘Oh, hi,’ Maria said when she heard my voice. ‘It’s you again.’

  ‘Hi there,’ I replied, not wanting to say her name in case Adam grabbed the phone.

  ‘Are you his messaging service now?’ Maria asked, trying to joke but unable to hide the sharp edge in her voice.

  I laughed lightly, pretending not to notice. ‘Sure feels like it. How can I help you?’

  ‘How can you help me? Well, I wanted to speak to Adam.’ She was curt, crisp, her words clipped.

  ‘I’m sorry, he’s not able to come to the phone right now,’ I said in a friendly tone, not giving her anything to be able to bark at me about. ‘Can I take a message for him?’

  ‘Well, did he get my last message from yesterday morning?’

  ‘Of course he did. I told him straight away.’

  ‘So why didn’t he call me?’

  We were approaching a crossroads.

  ‘Left,’ Adam said suddenly, breaking his chit-chat with Alicia.

  ‘Right,’ Alicia said.

  ‘Go left,’ Adam shouted.

  Alicia was giggling and the two of them were screeching. Adam started blocking Alicia’s mouth and she was yelling. Then he yelped because she had licked his hand. It was chaotic and I could barely hear Maria.

  ‘You can’t really blame him for not calling you back after what he discovered.’ I said it gently, without blame, without judgement, a simple statement that put Maria in her place.

  ‘Right. Yes. Is that him I hear?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Left!’ Adam shouted, blocking Alicia’s mouth again so she couldn’t scream directions.

  Alicia howled with belly-aching laughter.

  ‘Don’t lick me again,’ he warned playfully, then he withdrew his hand quickly, as if in pain. ‘Uh! She bit me!’

  Alicia barked, then panted.

  ‘I’ll tell him you called. He’s in the middle of something, as you can hear.’

  ‘Oh, okay …’

  ‘Actually, where can he reach you today?’ I asked. ‘Will you be at home or at work?’

  ‘I’ll be at work until late. But it doesn’t matter, he can get me on the mobile. Is he still … you know, angry with me? That’s a stupid question, of course he is. I would be. Not that he ever … you know …’

  I could barely hear the rest of what Maria said as the two lunatics behind me dissolved into more laughter.

  ‘Who was that?’ Adam asked when I came off the phone.

  ‘Maria.’

  ‘Maria?! Why did she call your phone?’ He sat forward.

  ‘It was your phone. No secrets, remember?’

  ‘Why the hell didn’t you tell me?’

  ‘Because then you would have stopped laughing, and as far as she was concerned you were having a mighty fine time.’

  Adam thought about that. ‘But I want her to know that I miss her.’

  ‘Trust me, Adam, she’d rather hear you laughing than crying. You being miserable will have her thinking she was right to go with Sean.’

  ‘Okay.’ He was quiet for a while and I thought I’d lost him. I checked Alicia to see if she was okay. She was taking her fingers for a walk along the window.

  ‘Hey, this was an interesting idea,’ he said, which was as close to a positive remark as I’d heard from him.

  ‘Good,’ I said happily, then had to immediately put my foot on the brake as we approached some cars up ahead.

  There was only room for one car on the road, but up ahead two cars had managed to squeeze alongside each other. One was facing us, the other heading in the opposite direction. Their doors were practically touching. Their windows were blacked out. By the time I realised that I shouldn’t be staring, the car door opened and a scary-looking guy in a black leather jacket stepped out. He was tall and rather large and didn’t look at all happy to see us. Neither did the other three men squished shoulder to shoulder in the back of the car who turned around to stare at us. The men in one car looked at the men in the car beside them. The men shook their heads and shrugged their shoulders rather nervously.

  ‘Er, Adam,’ I said nervously.

  Adam didn’t hear me, he was busy talking about poo poo with Alicia.

  ‘Adam!’ I said with more urgency and he looked up.

  He lifted his eyes just in time to see the tall broad man walking towards us with a hurley stick in his hand.

  ‘Reverse,’ Adam said urgently. ‘Christine, reverse – now.’

  ‘No! Left!’ Alicia yelled, giggling, thinking we were still playing the game.

  ‘Christine!’

  ‘I’m trying!’ The clutch was grinding furiously, I was in too much of a panic to find the right gear.

  ‘Christine!’ Adam shouted.

  The large man took a step closer to the car, examined the screen, took in my mobile number displayed with the FOR SALE sign on the front of the car. Then he looked me in the eye and swung his bat back. I put my foot down on the accelerator and we went hurtling into reverse so fast that Adam was thrown back into his seat at full force. It didn’t stop the large man from running after the car, swinging the stick. I kept an eye behind me, doing an okay job of reversing in a straight line, which then began to bend at almighty angles I hadn’t noticed while on the phone.

  ‘Shit, there’s more of them!’ Adam said, and I looked back out the front window to see three more men climb out of the car. ‘Keep an eye on the road!’ he yelled.

  ‘Oh, shh—’ I began to curse, then remembered Alicia. ‘Poo,’ I said. ‘Poo, poo, poo, poo,’ I repeated over and over.

  Alicia howled with laughter and joined in. ‘Poo! Poo! Poo!’

  ‘Go as fast as you can,’ he said.

  ‘I can’t, it’s bendy,’ I said, bumping the car against another bush.

  ‘I know, just concentrate. And go faster.’

  ‘Are they following us?’

  He didn’t answer.

  ‘Are they following us?’

  I couldn’t help it, I had to find out. I faced forward and saw the blacked-out windows coming towards us. ‘Oh my God.’

  ‘Why are we going backwards?’ Alicia asked, finally ending her laughter and sensing the panic in the car. Finally I had the opportunity to back up into a driveway, which I did rather quickly and expertly, and then took off, making a series of lefts and rights while Alicia called out directions to me, not noticing they weren’t being followed. When we reached a large housing estate where there was life on the roads again, I slowed down, but continued to make a series of random right and left turns.

  ‘Okay, I think you can stop now,’ Adam said as I drove around a roundabout for the third time. ‘They’re not behind us.’

  ‘Whoa, whoa, whoa, I’m dizzy,’ Alicia sang.

  ‘And I’m going to vomit,’ Adam said.

  I indicated and came off the roundabout. I dropped Alicia back at her house, where I did my best to explain to Brenda why Alicia was excitedly screaming ‘Reverse!’ and running backwards at top speed around the house and knocking into everything.

  ‘So, Adam, do you find my sister’s methods are helping you enjoy life?’ Brenda sat at the table and pulled out a chair for him in her imitable style, which never gave people an opportunity to decline.

  ‘So far we’ve eaten, walked in a park and gone for a drive with a kid.’

  ‘I see. How was the food?’

  ‘Actually, it gave me an upset stomach.’

  ‘Interesting. And how was the park?’

  ‘I got arrested.’

  ‘You weren’t arrested, they just put you in a cell to cool down,’ I snapped, unhappy my therapy skills were being called into question.

  ‘And the drive ended in interrupting a drugs sale,’ Brenda finished for us.

  We were silent. Then Brenda leaned her head back and laughed before changing the subject. ‘Tell me, Ada
m, this party of yours, is it dressy?’

  ‘Black tie.’

  ‘Excellent. I saw the perfect dress in Pace. I might even get the shoes to match. Okay,’ she stood up. ‘I have to get Jayden’s dinner ready. You two better scamoosh or I’ll end up pureeing your asses.’

  Adam looked at me with that amused expression that brought light into his eyes. This time I didn’t care that it was on account of my mad family and my disastrous ways to enjoy life, I was just happy to see him alive.

  It was only when we’d driven to the flat to collect the lily pad, and returned to the car after mere minutes inside the house, that we discovered the windshield of the car completely smashed in.

  12

  How to Solve a Problem Like Maria

  Maria worked in Grand Canal Dock in a modern high-rise that looked like a chequered board from the outside. I was going to take care of the lily pad’s delivery; Adam was sure Maria would personally come to reception to sign for it as long as she was told that it was from him. He was under strict instructions to remain outside, but in a place where he would be able to observe her reaction. Seeing as the building appeared to be built entirely of glass and steel, he had many possible vantage points; the tricky part was ensuring she wouldn’t see him. I wanted the moment when Maria and Adam reunited to come when he was ready. He wasn’t anywhere near ready yet.

  I felt odd about meeting Maria. The Maria. The woman whose quite intimate details I knew and who I’d spoken to over the phone twice and who was the reason or one of the reasons that Adam, rather beautiful Adam, had ended up with his life hanging in the balance. As I walked across the marble floor with my heels tapping so that the long line of receptionists looked up to watch me, I realised I resented Maria. And what timing. I couldn’t help but blame her for holding such power over a man she’d supposedly once loved while apparently oblivious to the effects of her rejection on him. When I thought of what he was going through right now to get her back, and her standing here with no idea, my blood boiled. Again, really not good timing, and inappropriate for me to become so protective of him when my role was supposed to be impartial, but I couldn’t feel anything close to unbiased at that moment.

  Rationally, I knew it wasn’t Maria’s fault. If Maria had been a friend confiding in me about Adam’s behaviour, I probably would have supported her in leaving him once everything she’d tried to salvage the relationship had failed. But the woman bugged me despite all that. I knew I should really be telling Adam to move on, not to try to win her back. She was already with someone else, his friend; she’d moved on. Was a further rejection going to break him even more? Yes. It would kill him. I already knew that. I needed their relationship to work for Adam’s life. Which brought me back to resenting Maria.