To Love a No Good Nigga

  So I would throw Tianna’s love back in her face and/or use it against her. I tried to fight it every chance I got and my family suffered because of it, especially Blue. I pretty much ignored all of my kids while they were growing up. Despite me and my failures, they had experienced success. Blue was my only son, the one to carry on the Bird name. I hurt him and I didn’t know how to fix it. Just like I didn’t know how to fix the situations that my daughters found themselves in.

  I knew Blue was telling me the truth when he blamed me for the girls’ current predicaments. Had I been a better father, a better role model, and a better man, they may have made better choices. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case and it was too late for shoulda, coulda, wouldas. All I could do was try to be better in the future and I needed to start right now with my marriage.

  Chapter 38

  ROBIN

  Ding-Dong. Slowly, I got up from my position on the couch and made my way to the door at a snail’s pace, the trip seeming endless. Looking out the window, I saw that it was Blue and inwardly cursed. He always seemed to show up at the most inopportune times. I didn’t have time for this. I wasn’t feeling well.

  Opening the door, I intended to tell him to go away but the look on his face let me know he wouldn’t be going anywhere. “Hey, Blue,” I said softly.

  “Hey Robin,” he said, entering the house and taking a seat on the sofa.

  “Look Blue, I’m super tired and just want to rest.”

  “Well, I’m super irritated and want to talk to you.”

  Rolling my eyes, I took a seat in the chair facing him and waited. Blue was wearing black jeans and a black hoodie, a style he seemed to favor these days. His spicy cologne mixed with the scent of vanilla that my house always carried, making me nauseous.

  I sighed and threw my hands in the air. “Well, what’s so important that it couldn’t wait?”

  Leaning back on the couch, he placed his arms across the back and uttered the two words that I didn’t expect to hear. “Princeton Tillers.”

  Silence engulfed us and my stomach cramped. I wrapped my grey hoodie closer to my aching body. “I don’t who that is.”

  “Don’t you?” he asked, his eyebrow cocked. “He is your baby’s daddy.”

  “Like I said, I don’t know who he is.”

  “Really because he seems to know you and was very eager to talk about your relationship, and I do use the term loosely.”

  Oh, shit, I thought to myself. This was the last thing that I needed. I was trying to handle this situation myself. Blue was a man, he wouldn’t understand how a woman loves or how she will do anything to keep her family together. All he’d see was a woman who had crossed the line.

  I pretended to be nonchalant even though my stomach was queasy. I leaned back in the chair, mimicking him, and the motion caused a searing pain to shoot up my back. “What did he say?”

  “Nothing you haven’t already heard from him. Look, I’m not saying what he did was right, but screwing with a man’s family life is dangerous. Not all women are like mom, they’re not going to lie down and take it.”

  Lowering my arms, I rolled my eyes. “That’s not my problem. Fuck him and his family life. He helped me make this baby and we’re going to be a family,” I spat.

  “Are you sure he gave you that baby? He said he used a condom.”

  I sat up quickly and almost fainted from the pain in my back and stomach. Something wasn’t right. “The baby is his Blue and I don’t care what you or he thinks. He was the only man that I was sleeping with.”

  “That’s what I figured.” He scrubbed his hands down his face. “You need to leave his wife alone.”

  “I can’t do that,” I gritted.

  Anger distorted his face. The muscles in his arms bunched. Leaning forward, he spoke in a gravely tone that I had never heard from him before. “This is the last time I’m going to tell you, Robin…”

  Pain seized me in a vice grip and my vision blurred. “Blue…”

  “You cannot mess with someone’s family life and expect no repercussions…”

  “Blue, I can’t…”

  Angrier than I had ever seen him, he grabbed me out of my chair and a howl of pain tore from my chapped lips. “Fuck what you can’t do! This is a deadly game you’re playing and someone is going to get…” he paused when he felt my trembling body against his. “Robin what’s wrong with you?”

  Whimpers were all I could manage in response. Pain like I had never felt shot through me.

  Looking down, he swore softly before picking me up in his arms. “It’s going to be okay, Robin. I’m going to get you to the doctor.” It wasn’t until he turned towards the door that I noticed the blood staining the light colored chair and floor.

  An hour and a half later, I was in a hospital bed surrounded by my parents and siblings, the scratchy hospital gown irritating my skin and the bright lights blinding my eyes. My body felt cold, my head felt heavy, my heart was broken, and my womb was empty. Tears rolled unchecked down my swollen cheeks. Stunned silence surrounded me.

  Blue had informed the rest of the family of my situation and they were still trying to wrap their minds around it. In less than five minutes, my parents and sisters had found out that I was pregnant and then that I had lost the baby. It was a lot for me to wrap my mind around. One minute I was carrying a life, and the next minute I was not.

  I had done everything possible to ensure a healthy pregnancy. I had taken prenatal vitamins, watched what I ate, didn’t smoke or drink, and wasn’t around harmful chemicals. The one thing I didn’t do was the one thing I didn’t think I had to. I had unprotected sex with Princeton Tillers.

  Just thinking of that name made my already volatile stomach want to erupt. He came to my house Valentine’s Day with an agenda, to get rid of the baby one way or another. He had certainly succeeded. I would have never thought to ask for a condom and I would have never thought he would have given me an STD.

  Complications from the disease caused me to miscarry. I knew it was too easy. Him coming to my house, having sex with me, kissing my stomach, and apologizing, it was all too easy and convenient. The fact that he slept with me without a condom should have tipped me off that something was wrong. He was the king of condoms.

  I glanced at the faces of each of my family members as the deafening silence continued to engulf us. What could be said? Nothing. I wasn’t going to be a mother and that was taken away by the father of my child. Sighing deeply, I continued to let the silence stretch while gazing at the faces surrounding me. Each seemed lost in their private thoughts. If they had listened closely enough they would have heard the last strand of my sanity snapping.

  Chapter 39

  SPARROW

  My heart was broken for Robin. All she ever wanted was a child and her first one was taken by a lying, cheating bastard. If I didn’t have my own issues I would have found this Princeton Tillers and kicked his ass for hurting my sister, but that would have to wait.

  I had finally received the call that I had been waiting for. Xavier found the identity of my crazy ass stalker, Sherry McCormick. I wasn’t sure who this chick was but I was going to give her a beating for ruining my relationship with Isaiah. Okay, maybe she didn’t ruin it all by herself but she was a huge part.

  Driving through the streets of the suburbs, I arrived at Isaiah’s house. His driveway was covered in the latest and hopefully the last dusting of snow and he had yet to shovel. Carefully navigating my way up the sidewalk, I prayed that he would see me. He hadn’t answered any of my calls or returned my messages. I knew that I had messed up, but I wasn’t going to give up on our love or let him do the same.

  I rang the doorbell and waited. Isaiah opened the door and air burned in my lungs. Wrapped only in a baby blue towel, his chocolate muscles were laid out for my viewing pleasure. The cold March air pebbled his nipples and his eyes darkened to a forest green. The towel te
nted from his arousal and his breathing became labored. He wanted me as much as I wanted him. Normally, I would have used this to my advantage but I wasn’t here for sex. I was here for my man.

  As if he read my mind, he tightened his grip on his towel and his face twisted in a scowl. “What do you want, Sparrow?”

  I nervously licked my lips. “I want you to at least talk to me, ‘Zay. I love you and you love me…”

  “Love isn’t enough.”

  “Please,” I begged. “Please, just listen to me.”

  Stepping aside, he let me inside the house. I took a seat on the loveseat and folded my hands in my lap. He sat across from me and looked everywhere but at me. “Say what you have to say and leave.”

  “I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you. I thought I could handle the situation myself. I’m not used to being so open with anybody…”

  “You said you could handle it.”

  Sighing, I ran my fingers through my damp hair. “I know and I am trying. All I know is that since I can remember it has been hard for me to open up to any man. Until I met you, I didn’t believe in love. I thought it was something people made up to justify their actions. I know that I hurt you and for that I am so unbelievably sorry. It is killing me to know that I’ve caused you any amount of pain.”

  “I accept your apology, Sparrow.” Hope filled me from head to toe. “But, I need to think about us being together.”

  I didn’t even try to stop the tears from falling from my downcast eyes. “I understand and I will give you all the time you need. Just know that I will not give up on us, ‘Zay. I have gone too long without loving and I’ll be damned if I lose the love of my life over one mistake.”

  I headed to the door and stopped, turning my head towards him. “Tonight, while you lay in your bed, think about what you’d rather hold on to, your anger or me.”

  Closing the door, I hopped in the car and went back to my house. My nerves were already on edge, but they tumbled off the cliff when I saw the vase of red and black flowers waiting on my doorstep. Exiting the car, I slammed the door. My hips automatically swung in time to the beat that my heels made on the sidewalk, drawing attention from my neighbors.

  I gingerly picked up the vase and entered my home. Setting them on the end table, I reached in my purse for the dossier on Sherry McCormick that Xavier had given me.

  I walked towards the bar and poured a stiff drink with the file under my arm. Picking up the burn phone that I had picked up on my way to Isaiah’s, I dialed the number from file. Five rings later, a sweet voice answered.

  I cleared my throat and took a deep breath. “May I speak with Ms. McCormick?”

  “This is Ms. McCormick.”

  “This is Sparrow Bird.”

  Silence then muttered cursing floated across the receiver. “What do you want?” Gone was the sweet voice and in its place was that of a bitter woman.

  “What do I want? I want to know why you are doing this to me.”

  “Because you are the worst kind of woman. You prey on weak men and fill their lives with longing and misery.”

  “Look,” I said, cutting her off. “I’m not sure which one of your boyfriends you think I took from you, but if he was so easily swayed then I did you a favor.”

  Harsh laughter assaulted my ear. “You stole more than a man from me. You stole my whole reason for living.”

  This bitch was nuts. If a man was her reason for living then she needed serious help and a hobby. “No man is worth…”

  “He was worth it! He was everything to me and because of you he isn’t here. I can’t talk to him, I can’t see him, I can’t touch him. I can’t do anything because you ruined him.”

  I tried to remain calm. “Like I said, I don’t know who…”

  “You...Don’t…Know? Well, let me enlighten you. Taylor Bivens.”

  Before I could respond the dial tone sounded in my ear. Taylor Bivens. That name sounded familiar, but I couldn’t place it. I hated to admit it, but I had slept with so many men over the years that eventually they all started to run together.

  Running up the stairs, I looked under my bed and pulled out a suitcase. Inside the suitcase was a lockbox. I entered the code and took out the red velvet book that was inside. I flipped through the cream colored pages quickly before I landed on his page.

  A picture of a good looking man stared back at me. He was tall and lanky with a creamy chocolate complexion. Hazel eyes surrounded by bushy eyebrows and long lashes made his gaze hypnotic. He had shoulder length dreads and a tattoo of a yin and yang on his right bicep. Next to the picture were the important details of our involvement. I had been involved with Taylor from June 2008 to September 2008. I had left him after he professed his love to me and immediately replaced him with another man, Sean.

  I grabbed my laptop from the nightstand and looked up Taylor Bivens. I looked through countless articles and profiles before finding the one I needed, an article in the Tribune.

  According to the article, Taylor Bivens was a prominent architect in the Chicagoland area. On December 2008, he jumped from his twentieth floor condo window. He was predeceased by his parents and grandparents. There was no wife and no children. The only surviving relative was his twin sister, Sherry Bivens-McCormick.

  Bile rose from my stomach and into my throat. I had always prided myself on being honest. I thought that honesty prevented me and others from being hurt. I knew now that I was wrong. My man-eating ways helped cost a man his life. I knew that he hadn’t taken the break up well, but I didn’t care. I moved on to the next man without a second thought to the one that I had just crushed.

  Taylor’s death was on my hands and his sister knew it. She blamed me and I blamed myself. In my heart it felt like I pushed him out of that window on the twentieth floor. I knew in my head that it didn’t make any sense but since when did emotions become rational? Tears cascaded from my eyes and I curled up into the fetal position.

  I had to deal with this, but I didn’t know how. There were so many factors, so many thoughts swirling through my mind. I felt for Sherry but there was no reason that I should die or be terrorized because her brother misinterpreted our relationship.

  Blindly reaching for the phone, I called the only person that I knew could help me. “Blue, I need your help.”

  Chapter 40

  RAVEN

  My face hurt from plastering a fake smile on it for the last hour. My hands were shaky and my eyes burned with unshed tears and cigar smoke. If no good deed goes unpunished, then this was my penance. The low lighting and flickering candlelight hid the discomforting emotions in my eyes. The heavy red velvet décor of the dinner club matched my evening gown, allowing me to hide in the shadows. Unfortunately, when you were so in tuned to someone, when they were in your very soul, there was nowhere on Earth you can hide.

  Dean’s hands played at the nape of my neck before diving in my hair, massaging my scalp. The act was possessive and a warning to any man who thought to approach me. Well, not any man just one in particular.

  “You see that shit, Ray?” His breath, a combination of mint and cognac, caressed the side of my face.

  Yeah, I saw it. There was no way that I couldn’t see it. The moment Pierre walked through the door, I felt him. My body broke out in a sweat, my lips tingled, and my breasts ached with need. I desperately wanted to call out to him, touch him, to love him…until I saw that woman on his arm.

  Some high-yellow heifer, looking like a knock off version of me, had her hands all over my man. She was my height, had my same shape, though not as firm and tight, and a jacked up lace front that tried to mimic my signature waves. She looked ratchet as hell in skintight, low-cut black mini dress and plastic pumps. She obviously didn’t receive the memo that showing too much skin was trashy and grown ass women didn’t wear Baby Phat.

  Pierre’s eyes met mine and for an unguarded moment he let his true feelings show, long
ing, desire, and love shined in his luminous eyes until his gaze ventured to my right and saw Dean. His expression closed and became guarded again. I couldn’t blame him. Throughout the night, I would feel his eyes on me but was never able to catch him. It hurt so bad to see him move on with another woman, but I had it coming. This is what happened when you made a deal with the devil.

  Speaking of which, I answered the question. “Yeah, I see it, Dean. How can I not?”

  In a move that caught me totally off guard, Dean actually showed compassion. “I’m sorry, Ray. If it’s any consolation, he’s a fool, choosing that over you. At least I fought for you.”

  Sipping my iced tea, I didn’t bother with a response. I was too busy trying not to let the tears falls from my strained eyes.

  “Say the word baby doll and we can call this whole thing off.”

  I whipped my head to the side and faced him. His eyes, for the first time in a long time, mirrored the sincerity in his voice. I was tempted to take him up on the deal but the love in my heart and the life in my womb stopped me. “Thanks, but no thanks. We both know what will happen if I do.”

  “Yeah but this man is playing you. Here you are giving up everything and he has another woman on his arm. Why would you continue to protect him?”

  With a sigh that reflected all the pain I carried in my heart and soul, I glanced at Pierre. “When a woman loves…”

  “Yeah, I know,” he said, releasing his hold on me, his voice edged with ice.

  And he did know. He was using that love against me. Filled to bursting with tears, I excused myself and went to the lady’s room. I braced my hands on the marble vanity and bit back the sobs that were threatening to escape. I had cried enough tears, first for Dean and now for Pierre. I’d be damned if I cried anymore. It was time to stop the waterworks and put my family back together, as soon as I got the devil off my back. My self-control back intact, I reapplied my lipstick and exited the bathroom.