Simple Perfection

  Della leaned back against me and wrapped her arms around mine. "I know that. I meant growing up. Having a sibling to stand in your corner. "

  I understood what she meant and it broke my heart to think about the little girl who was so alone in dealing with a mother who wasnt there mentally. "You did find Braden. "

  "Braden found me. And youre right. She was always in my corner. "

  "I like knowing you have her. She loves you almost as much as I do. "

  Della laughed. "Dont let her hear you say that. Shell fight you for that title. "

  I wondered what Braden would do when I asked Della to marry me. Would she grill me? Make sure my intention was to treat her like a princess? I had no doubt Id hear from her when the time came. I just wasnt sure about the right time.

  I loved Della and I knew no one would ever take her place in my heart. She was the one. But marriage also meant a commitment that scared me. Id been ready to ask her before she left me. Now I knew how quickly she could rip my world out from under me. Could I handle that kind of pain if she were my wife? It was making me even more vulnerable. I needed time to adjust to having her back. Having a Della who didnt wake up screaming and one I didnt worry about all the time.

  "I love you," she said as we stood there together.

  "I love you more," I replied. And I meant it. That was what kept me from asking her to marry me. That was my roadblock. I loved her more.

  A knock on the door broke into my thoughts and Della stepped out of my arms to look back at me. "Who could that be?"

  "Not sure. Ill get it. "

  Jace was pacing back and forth on my front porch when I opened the door. His head snapped up when he saw me. He shook his head and went back to pacing. This was woman trouble. I looked back at Della, who stood watching me from the other end of the hallway.

  "Looks like Jace needs to talk. Well be out here if you need me," I told her.

  A worried frown pinched her forehead but she nodded. "Okay. "

  I closed the door behind me and watched as Jace continued to pace.

  "Whats wrong with Bethy?" I asked. I knew that was the only thing that could get him to pace like a madman.

  He stopped his constant moving and shoved his hands in his pockets. "Shes . . . She wanted to get married. I mentioned it to her and she wanted to. But shes started to act different lately. So I dropped the marriage thing. I thought that was what made her go crazy. But shes just getting worse. Hell, what was I supposed to do? I cant get married if shes not ready. I sure as hell cant ask her. I dont know what I was thinking. Just because Rush and Blaire are playing house doesnt mean the rest of us are ready. "

  I was going to be here a while. I could tell by the frantic tone in Jaces voice. I sat down in the swing. "So youve changed your mind on the marriage thing? Sounds like it scared Bethy anyway. Maybe you two need more time just being a couple. "

  Jace let out a hard laugh. "Yeah, I thought that, too. But shes just . . . reverted. "

  "Reverted?" I asked, trying to figure out what in the hell he was talking about.

  "You know, reverted to the way she was before. Shes drinking and wanting to go out partying all the time. She rarely sees Blaire anymore because she said it makes her sad. She wants what Blaire has but she says its rare. We cant measure ourselves against that. But that makes no damn sense. Ive been in two bar fights in the past week. Two fucking bar fights. Me. I dont fight, dammit. But shes forcing me to go save her drunk ass from men who want to touch her. "

  I thought about Della playing with Nate the other day and how sweet she was. But not once had she asked for the same thing. She never pressured me for more. I wasnt sure what Id do if she did. I would probably give it to her.

  "Do you want Bethy? Forever? Is she who you see yourself spending your life with?"

  "I did. Before all this. I did. I thought we were ready. But now shes changed. Shes acting like . . . shes acting like she did before. When all I wanted to do was fuck her because she was so damn good at it. I was addicted to sex with her. Then she stood up to me and drew a line in the sand and I came barreling through it because I realized, through all that sex, that I had started to care for her. I wanted more than just the sex. "

  Everyone knew this story already. No one had expected it. Jace was a trust fund baby and Bethy was a trailer park baby. The two didnt seem to fit . . . until they did. "She could be drawing the line in the sand again. Forcing you to pick her. "

  Jace walked over and sat down on a padded bench and dropped his head into his hands. "If I thought that was it I would just propose. I would just ask her to marry me. Because, yeah, I love her. But I think shes hiding something. I dont know what. I try to overlook it but there are times---and theyre rare---when she withdraws from me. I cant pinpoint when it happens. I cant figure out a reason---she just does. Then suddenly shes back the next day or a few days later, however long it takes, and shes my Bethy again. I just . . . she has to tell me everything. She has to explain to me what haunts her and why the hell she thinks going to a honky-tonk dressed like a cowboys wet dream is okay. Im tired of getting into fights with dudes bigger than me. "

  Della never did any of these things. I couldnt sympathize and now I was pretty damn sure he shouldnt propose because they had shit to figure out.

  "You two need to talk," I said. I had no other words of wisdom.

  Jace ran his hand through his hair and sighed. "I know we do. Every time I try and ask her about it, she starts drinking. The next thing I know, shes dancing on a bar somewhere. When she starts to sober up she tells me she wishes she was enough for me and that she wishes she was someone I could love forever. I tell her she is but she needs to tell me why shes doing this. Why she pulls away from me sometimes. She either starts crying or sucking my damn dick. Both get me completely distracted. "

  I had thought Jace and Bethy were fine. They were good. They were always together. I hadnt imagined any problems with the two of them. Bethy was always so happy and bubbly. The Bethy he was describing wasnt someone Id ever seen.

  "I love her. Im gonna do whatever the hell I need to to stop this. Because I cant lose her. I love her. Shes the best thing that ever happened to me. All relationships before her pale in comparison. If she wants to get married, Ill propose. I wanted to wait but I dont think shell ever tell me why she pulls away sometimes. Maybe if were married she wont do that. If I put a ring on her finger then it will stop this drunken partying shit shes doing. "

  The only thing hed said there that even came close to a reason as to why he should marry Bethy was the part where he said he loved her and she was the best thing that had ever happened to him. The other stuff wasnt good logic. "I think you need to get her to talk to you sober first. Lock her in a room and make her talk. Dont just propose because shes forcing your hand with this drinking shit. That isnt what marriage is supposed to be about. You gotta want this, man. "

  Jace glanced back at the door to my house. "What about Della? Do you want it with Della?"

  Yeah, I wanted forever with her. "One day, but she isnt pressuring me. When the time is right. "

  Jace nodded. "Yeah, thats what I thought, too. But Bethy seems threatened by that idea. " He stood up. "Thanks for listening. I needed to unload on someone. I couldnt go back to the condo and deal with Bethy after tonight. I just needed to talk. "

  "Youre my best friend. Im always here to talk when you need to. Besides, you kept me from losing it when Della left me. "

  Jace chuckled. "More like Rush did. I was scared to touch you. You were going apeshit. "

  "Rush was the only one strong enough to hold me back. But you listened to me and kept me sane while she was gone. "

  Jace nodded. "Youre my family. "

  And he was mine.

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  Della

  "Hush, little baby, dont say a word, Mommas gonna buy you a mockingbird. " Mommas voice rang out shrill and off-key as I stood outside her bedroom door and peeked inside. S
he was in a rocking chair in her room with the baby doll I wasnt allowed to touch wrapped tightly in a blanket. She sang to the baby doll when she was sad.

  "Yes, hes a good boy to sleep for Momma. He sleeps like hes supposed to. " She cooed at the doll and touched its plastic face tenderly, as if it were real. For a long time I thought the baby doll was real. But it never made any noise and she left it forgotten in its crib in her room for days at a time. Eventually I realized it was just a baby doll.

  Then Id made the mistake of picking it up and rocking it, too. Momma had been very upset with me. I had gone three days without food, locked in my room.

  "Sweet little baby, Mommas joy. Im gonna go buy you some new toys. " She sang the made-up words. She always made up words to this song. I wasnt sure if she didnt know the real words or if she just liked singing about what she was doing.

  Then she threw the baby doll across the room and screamed, "Demon child!" over and over again as she stomped her feet. I ran back to my room as fast as I could and prayed she wouldnt come after me.

  "Della?" Woodss voice broke into my dream and my eyes snapped open. I looked up into his concerned face.

  "You okay? You were breathing hard. "

  That was all? I smiled. I was okay. I could live with the memories. If the terror didnt come with them. "Im fine," I assured him, and cuddled against his side. "It was just a memory. "

  Woods ran his fingers up and down my arm. "Do you want to talk about them? Maybe if you told me, you would stop dreaming them altogether. "

  I started to say no and stopped. I had been telling people no for years because it sent me into the darkness when I let myself think about it. But I was better now. What if I did tell him my dreams . . . what if it could actually help?

  "Okay," I said, not looking up at him. I kept my eyes on his chest. I wasnt scared of the memories now. I just wasnt sure how I was going to open myself up to him that completely. It would make me feel more vulnerable than I had ever felt. He would know my horrors. No one really knew them.

  It was time.

  Woods tightened his hold on me and I focused on the warmth of his arms. I was safe. Telling him was safe.

  "She was rocking the baby doll. She always rocked the baby doll when she was in one of her dark times. She sang to it and made up words to lullabies. I knew, even at five years old, that her singing to a plastic doll was wrong. Something was wrong. So, I would watch her. She never rocked me. Seeing her rock the doll confused me. Why would she rock a plastic baby doll? The baby was a he. She called it a him. She never called it by a name. Just sweet baby and baby boy. That was weird, too, because the boy theyd adopted before me was never a baby when they had him. " I stopped a moment and thought about looking up at Woods to see what he was thinking. But I had more to tell and I didnt want to watch his eyes and see his reaction.

  "If she ever saw me watching her rock the baby she would yell at me and often hit me. She would tell me to be quiet, that the baby was sleeping. Or to go fix my brother some food and make sure he ate it. I hated making my brother food. I knew hed never eat it and that it would get old and stinky before shed finally give in and throw it away. The smell of rotten food permeated our house. I hated the stench. " I lay still in Woodss arms. I knew that what I was telling him was disturbing. I knew it would bother him, but it was helping. He had been right. Talking about what Id lived through with someone who loved me, not just a psychiatrist, helped.

  "When she was rocking the baby doll she would eventually realize it was plastic. I never knew what it was she saw but she would start screaming demon child and she would throw it across the room like it was on fire. Then she would claw at herself and pull her hair. She would tell the doll she was sorry that she had let him go to the store. She was sorry that she hadnt kept him safe. But then she would point and scream demon at it again. I didnt usually watch that part except for once. It terrified me. When she started screaming I would hurry back to my room and close my door. Thats what I was dreaming about tonight. One of those moments. "

  Woods let out a long, shaky breath. "Shit," he whispered, then pressed his face to the top of my head. He didnt say anything else. He just held me. That was what I needed the most.

  It didnt feel like I thought it would, opening myself up like that to him. I had always thought that showing someone what was inside, what had been my life, would expose me in a way that would make me unlovable. But I didnt feel that way in Woodss arms. He held me tightly to him and kissed my head. No other words were needed.

  My eyes closed and I relaxed in his arms. I had always felt safe with Woods. That wasnt new. But now . . . now I felt like Id found my anchor. My entire life Id held on to anything I thought could hold me still and keep me from going under. I had clung to Braden for years, hoping that having her would remind me I was normal. That I wasnt in that house anymore. But even though she loved me, she had never made me feel completely secure. She couldnt give me the grounding I needed. I thought no one would ever be able to give that to me. Not after all Id seen and lived through. I knew now that it wasnt true. With Woodss arms wrapped around me and the beat of his heart pressed against my chest, I knew he would hold me steady. If I ever fell, Id have him to catch me.

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  Woods

  I had drunk three cups of coffee that morning to prepare myself for the early tee time I had with Nile. After Della had told me about her dream last night and shared her memories, I hadnt been able to sleep. Id wanted to hold her and watch her sleep. The idea of her having another dream like that and my not being awake to stop it scared the shit out of me.

  That was fucked up. What shed lived through was more fucked up than I could even imagine. She worried that she wasnt strong enough, but, damn, anyone who had lived through what she had and still functioned normally day to day was strong. Della did more than function. She laughed, she made friends, she enjoyed life, she made me smile, and she completed my world. She was the strongest person I had ever met.

  "Sorry Im late. The girls woke up early and I was trying to get them something to eat so they could watch television and let their mother sleep late," Nile said, interrupting my thoughts.

  With his dark hair and blue eyes, he looked so much like Della that it was hard for me not to stare at him. There was no arguing that this man was her father. "No worries. I havent been here long," I assured him.

  "You want a caddy?" I asked. I never used one but most members did.

  Nile glanced over at the golf cart I had already pulled around with my clubs and a set from the clubhouse. He had mentioned last night that he hadnt brought his clubs with him.

  "No, I think Id like it to be just us," he said with a smile.

  He wanted to talk about Della. I figured as much. Which was why I hadnt already had a caddy on standby.

  "All right, then were ready to go. I have water in the cooler but if you want something more, a cart will be around by the time we get to the third hole. We can order something from it if you prefer. "

  "Waters great. Too early for anything else," he replied.

  I drove us to the first hole. "Della is looking forward to meeting the girls and your wife down at the beach today. " They had planned a beach day. Nile was going to join them after our game. I was going to go work and give Della time alone with them.

  "The girls cant wait to see Della again. They really took to her. Jillian adores her, too. "

  I parked the cart. "Dellas hard not to adore," I said before getting out.

  "Yeah, she is. Shes much like her mother . . . uh, Glenda, that way. "

  I hadnt met Glenda but I wanted to. Della looked like her birth father but she didnt have his personality.

  Nile pulled his driver from the bag. "Della seems happy here," he said.

  "She is," I replied.

  He didnt move to set up his shot. He studied me instead. "You havent proposed to her. And I couldnt help but notice she didnt make it sound like marriage wa
s in her near future last night when the girls were questioning her. "

  Not a conversation I had expected to have with him today. I pulled my driver from the bag and tried not to get pissed by this line of questioning. "We havent talked about marriage yet. "

  Nile nodded. "I see," he said.

  What the hell did "I see" mean? I was going to marry Della.

  "Im going to shoot straight with you, Woods. Youre a good man. You have a bright future. When the woman you want to marry walks into your life, you will know it and you will want to be married to her. So, seeing as how you arent thinking of marriage to Della just yet, I know, as a man, that you arent sure shes the one for you. I was going to wait but I have decided to ask Della to move to Phoenix and live with us. Jillian is on board with this idea. We stayed up most of last night talking about it. We have an extra bedroom and Della can finish school. Shes only twenty. She needs a family around her. "

  I could hear what he was saying but I felt like I had just stepped outside of myself and was watching this conversation happening. This wasnt real. It couldnt be real. This man was not suggesting taking Della away from me. I shook my head before he finished talking and he stopped midsentence.

  "No," was all I managed to say. He had blindsided me. I hadnt expected this.

  "No?" he repeated as if he didnt understand that word.

  "No," I repeated. "Youre not taking Della away from me. Ill follow her. Anywhere she goes I will follow her. Shes it for me. She isnt going to Phoenix. Shes staying here with me. Im going to marry her. No, I havent proposed yet, but I intend to. She just came back to me. Shes finally facing the horrors of her past and letting me help her heal. Shes mine, Nile. She is mine. Shes not going anywhere. "

  Nile studied me a moment, then he nodded. A smile touched his lips. "Thats what I wanted to hear," he said, then turned and walked to the tee as if the conversation were over. It wasnt fucking over until he told me he wasnt asking Della to move to Phoenix.

  "What does that mean?" I demanded.

  Nile glanced back at me over his shoulder. "You showed passion and determination to keep her. You want her forever. I wanted to make sure. Now I just need to make sure she wants the same thing. "