Bill Laggard

  Chapter 3- Trying God's Will By Means Of 'Fleece'

  From the guest room, I could hear voices which only prevented my sleep. I tiptoed to the entrance of the sitting room. I had lodged at Donna Bynun's place to take rest in the afternoon. From this range, I could see her talking and gesturing and laughing but I had no idea whom she did all those actions to. I decided to shuffle three steps to the left to catch a glimpse of her visitor. Jack! My heart skipped a beat.

  I had taken to heart what Jack made me discover in our last meeting, a year and two months ago, which seemed like seven years to me. Just then, Donna stood up and began heading towards my direction. As she saw me, her face glowed with amusement. Smiling, she said, “Oh, there you are, Bill. I actually didn't know you were awake. I would love you to meet Jack once again.” We walked back to the sitting room.

  Jack had changed. The goatee beard he nursed had grown to a larger beard, and his pony tailed hair appeared glossier. I extended my hand to grasp his but he squeezed mine.

  “I never knew you would be visiting,” I said.

  “Well, so it happened.”

  Turning to Donna, I said, “Why didn't you get me before now?”

  “I said she shouldn't bother you.” I took my seat next to him and told him I wanted to talk to him for the two days past.

  “What about,” he asked.

  “It's about Catherina. I don't understand her these days. I had suddenly turned a bête noire to her and she is always sulky. Two months ago, she resurfaced the differences we had, which I told you of. She even informed her parents about it and added more gunpowder to the flames. They were mad at me and I had no idea why. But some days ago, I arrived home to see her half mad with alcohol that had penetrated her being. She was lying on the laps of Kim, one of my course-mates at Oxford. I hollered at her. She pretended not to know me and Kim chased me with a pen-knife. I risked my life, jumping over the porch which was approximately 16 feet high. I am in a confused state and since then, I have been here with Donna.”

  “Well, you're lucky you haven't married her as yet,” Donna commented.

  “Yes, Donna, you are right,” I acknowledged.

  I turned left to see Jack clenching his fist and eyes closed.

  “You aren't saying anything, Jack,” I queried.

  He turned and smiled the briefest, and then he turned serious again.

  “Bill Laggard, who made the choice for you,” he asked.

  “What choice?” I acted stunned.

  “I mean who told you Catherina was the right person you were to marry?”

  “I made that decision myself. Who else should have made that decision for me?”

  “Certainly, no human, Bill, but this is where self-will comes in. You have forgotten that it is God who decided your destiny and made you a male, which will also decide your wife, and the future of your children. It is already in our nature and I think that is what God wants to break in you.”

  “Self? Myself? What are you saying Jack?” I was puzzled at his statements. “How can 'myself' choose something for me?”

  “You got that wrong, Bill. I mean that the human nature which is no different from our corrupt, unbroken minds is filled with vain things which are only springing up from our limited view of life. Self-life gives rise to vain-glory which is only for a time. Don't you know that you were supposed to ask your Creator who is in charge of your destiny?”

  “No primary religious knowledge ever taught me that.”

  “Me too,” Donna agreed.

  “Well, you have to ask God on whatever issue of life or perhaps you must have forgotten a part in the scripture which says that the way may seem right unto a man, but the end is destruction. You can't make decisions based on your self-will and ask God to bless it. Even some others try a fleece or preference.”

  “What does that mean?” Donna asked.

  “Bill can answer that, I'm sure he has tried that before.” Turning to me, he continued, “Bill, I am not sure, but I think you put down a set of names on papers and closing your eyes, made the choice.”

  “No Jack.”

  “Then how?”

  “Well, I tried both,” I finally agreed, sighing deeply, I continued; “I never believed anything was wrong with that. About two years ago, my parents urged me to get a wife because I wasn't getting any younger, Jack. I prayed that God may provide me a beautiful girl for wife but I never sought to ask his will. After a long time, when I discovered I wasn't getting answers to my prayers, I told God in prayer that the first lady that would come my way should be my wife. I didn't believe the prayer, though, but when I got out to leave for work, I saw Catherina Bordeaux. I was glad because she was extremely beautiful. I asked for her number and when she gave it to me instantly, I thought I could see answers to my prayers. Is that fleece?”

  “Yes, it is, Bill. And how did preference get in?” Jack asked.

  “Two days later, I contacted her and informed her that I would love to see her. I gave her an address, which wasn't mine but my dad's. That's where I made a greater mistake.”

  “What mistake?” Donna quavered.

  Chuckling, I continued, “I told God to make my parents like her and not only did they approve her but went further to setting a date for the engagement. I was extremely happy. But the glory of that is no more.”

  “Well, didn't you know she was vicious?” Donna asked.

  Just before I could bring myself to answer that, Jack jumped in.

  “Now, Bill, get this right. Whatever that concerns your life, you got to ask God. Marriage is a must-ask because you can't tell if what life expresses is just a fulfillment of your will. Perhaps Catherina's behavior that day was just for the 'show'.”

  “Now I realize. I never knew she'd been nebulous all along. Now I would be a jinx to my parents.” Tears filled my eyes and I gasped for breath.

  “You couldn't see God's love for you in that Alma Mater issue although it was there and I'm sure it is more visible now that he prevented you from plunging down the destructive stairs of self-will. Such matters may get you pooped but I assure you that God would indeed bring you out from self-will.”

  “How about education?” Donna asked.

  “In every area, either marriage, children education, if it be taking an examination form, what name a child should bear, what school you would go to, what gathering to attend and not to, what to buy and many other things.”

  Wiping my tears, I asked, “But why does God always want us to ask him about our life issues?”

  “You don't ask because you think he wants you to decide that and because you think he doesn't have to. He is in charge of your destiny, and as you have willed yourself to him, he is in control of you. And why do we have to ask? We have to because our eyes are but weak lenses with blind retinas that could capture but only a few range of life, but his are special binoculars that see the future, even from the beginning and from the greatest distance. Remember he is Omniscient?”

  “So that means that I have to always ask God before taking any step in life?” Donna queried.

  “Yes, and lest I forget, Donna, you asked about education. Sorry to have let that dissolve. You see, many people in so many countries with so many choices had rerun that journey to self-will many a time. And that is an important reason why many move from one education centre to another, from one citadel of learning to another. Why don't we care to know the mind of our Creator? Now that God has opened the way to cordial and intimate relationship with him through our Lord Jesus Christ, why don't we ask him? Why can't we see this as a pragmatic approach to the success we have much longed for?”

  “No wonder I have been moving from service to service, begging them to put my situation into their prayers for I thought that at least, they were closer to God more than I am and with more spiritually bestowed power than I have, they can bring down deliverance and divine miracles.”

  “Extremely wrong, Bill. It's only if the hand pu
ts on a car that the fuel can enforce strength and continuity. Those men whom we often call spiritual fathers or mothers can't pull God's hands to do a certain thing in your life which isn't a part of his will. It's only if he wills that you experience success in your life that you will, and of course, he always will so.

  “Do you remember what Fred said in our first meeting at Don Huzzay, about a year and five months ago? We humans are mere mortals and I will say this too, that the leader and those led are the same. He is no better than you are, although the gifts he has got, which you haven't realized in your life, may certainly make the difference. We are the same before God's eyes.”

  “How can I be compared to a mighty man of God?” Donna queried.

  “This is no comparison, Bill,” he continued, “you have a feeling that he is God's mouth to you and that's no lie, but you still fail to discover that through Jesus, God has opened the door of salvation and now everyone has an access to his will-bank.”

  “Now Jack,” I said. “Isn't there a way that I could communicate to such a God without bothering myself by going directly instead of through the pastor?”

  “Look, Bill and Donna, you say you are no longer thinking in Old Testament terms but that's indeed what you are doing.”

  Iconoclastic! I took a little bit of cogitation to figure that one out. What sort of mind does Jack have? And besides I don't want to die when I hear God's voice. I tried to acquiesce to that.

  “Imply right?” Jack asked as we gently nodded. “In olden times, only the high priest, Levites and Moses were permitted to enter the Holiest Place in the temple. Moses was the mentor of the Israelites and in charge of hearing news from God and passing it down to them.

  “Who knows why? Then Christ came with salvation and the good news and broke open the veil of the temple for every person to have easy access to the throne of grace; now you let only the leaders partake in that. Are you tightening the cork of the bottle more or you are letting the juice flow out? Are you putting more bondage on your neck or partaking in the salvation offered us by the Son?”

  “Now I get that,” Donna said, sounding somewhat fiendishly clever.

  “But are you saying we must ask God and not resort to fleece and preference?” I asked.

  “Most times, fleece and preference don't work but at times they do, if God honors them. But the worst part is if you set a table of puzzling issues and then make a set of choices and none of yours rhyme with God's will. How do you get out of that fix?”

  “I don't know!” I exclaimed.

  “Or perhaps we'll jump out of the window of confusion,” Donna answered, “but that's only Bill.”

  I glared playfully at her and she turned the other way. Jack and I chuckled with delight. It was one of the funny things Donna had always done for the past three days. Maybe she just wanted to keep me happy.

  “If the Lord, even at the pain of dying for the sins of humanity, had to ask God's will to prevail, how much we mere humans? Do you think Jesus didn't have power to free himself from the dangers of that day? But he humbled himself as a lamb to the slaughter that the will of his Father will be fulfilled.”

  “One last question, Jack,” it was Donna speaking. “In what ways do you think we can hear God speak?”

  “Mainly dreams and visions!” I commented.

  “In so many ways, Donna,” said Jack. “And yeah, Bill, that one goes a longer way than any other but as we grow in faith and communication with him, we begin to get used to him speaking with a gentle whisper, a still small voice. In this way, the Holy Spirit helps us to witness the voice of the Lord as though it was from our minds.”

  “Jack, that one goes down a dangerous way!” I beamed. “How do I get to know when I am not hearing from the opposite side? How do I get to know if I am really hearing God's voice?”

  “In such, Bill, you need the gift of discernment of the voices you hear. Remember, Paul stated that as part of the essential gifts of the Spirit. Another way of testing voices is through the written word of God. You could also use 'fleece'!”

  “I thought you said fleece was wrong?” Donna quavered.

  “I don't think I have ever said that one time this afternoon.”

  “So what do you mean?” I asked.

  “Fleece was but a way that Gideon used to confirm the God's words when the armies of the Midianites were at war with Israel. It's a way of confirmation and not a way of decision, Bill. Gideon actually used that to confirm if God was going to give him victory over Midian and Amalek.”

  “I get that now!” Donna said. “But fleece has some advantages, doesn't it?” She demanded.

  “Sure it does,” Jack responded. “God often honors the fleece to strengthen our Christian faith, but that works in the way which is in his will for us. He uses it to make man understand real truth and come to total submission at his feet. There is nothing wrong asking for a 'fleece'. It's good, although, when we recognize its limits. It shouldn't be used as a main source of discovering God's will. But there would be no need for the 'fleece' if what we want is in God's word.

  “The prophetic means of hearing God's will is also an important one. Also, Bill and Donna, I advice you not to get into the habit of letting man prophesy God's will for you when you don't know who is who.”

  “I think I would better not do that anymore!” I beamed. “Well, how would I know if the man of God guessed my future?”

  “Bloody!” Donna exclaimed.

  “Well, I think you better don't do that. Other than go anywhere, you could meet God and there he will reveal his way to you, not halfway as man may,” Jack implied.

  “I pray I be successful in that,” I said.

  “You as well can be lucky if he speaks audibly to you and you don't have to go through the confirmation process. This has the greatest advantage but God doesn't use that often but once in a full moon!”

  “Why not?” Donna queried.

  “Because, he isn't willing to draw anyone to himself by coercion,” Jack replied. “He doesn't use means of sanction to authoritatively bring us into his will. He needs our willingness to obey him and the greatest part of that is letting him lead us by knowing his will. He sometimes uses the clear voice, though, to bring us into a state of instant action and prevent us from fatal destruction.'

  'And the other ways can't do that easily?' I inquired.

  'Not easy but they are clear to some people. That has to do with our understanding and discernment. But there is a way out of it all.'

  'Discernment!' Donna and I hollered playfully as Jack chuckled.

  'I guess the lesson I need to learn here is that I could approach God even without middlemen,' I spoke.

  'And to let you remain in complete dependence towards him, Bill.'

  'That's right,' I acknowledged. 'This really has been very helpful, Jack.'

  'Thanks to God!'

  Jack told us he was about leaving for the South Downs. We tried to persuade him to wait until the following day but he insisted otherwise. I offered to take him to the post office for him to get the forms for his takeoff and to also ensure the continuity of our conversation. We walked to the car after he bid Donna goodbye and we were motoring dustily down the road.

  'Jack,' I said, taking control of the steering wheel. 'If it is not God's will for me to take Catherina Bordeaux as a wife and I just discovered that, what should I have done?'

  'Switch that relationship off,' Jack suggested. 'Self-made decisions can't stand for long, Bill. You are actually lucky you haven't married Catherina.'

  'I get that one, Jack. I mean what if I had married her and she already had two kids for me, should I break up the relationship?'

  'Obviously not, Bill. You will only make a mess of things and end up annoying God whom you think you are pleasing.'

  'Then what do I do?' I inquired.

  'Well Bill, when you make such major mistakes, it is usually out of ignorance. It could also be the result of voluntar
y, or rather temporary disobedience to God of which you have now repented. You can't break up your marriage that way unless you aren't married. And there could be no marriage to break if you aren't married! All you have to do is to repent and ask God to take you into his will for you today,' Jack explained.

  'But surely there could be times when I won't get out of God's will for me, Jack.'

  'Yes Bill, such occurs when you have wholly surrendered your all to him that you will be controlled by him, so that you can walk in his light as well as you are given an understanding of it. God's word may also motivate your hunger to do his will.'

  'Yeah and when I'm listening, eh?'

  'You get that, Bill. And that requires spending quality time in his presence, waiting for him to guide you on daily basis. You may also not drift from God's guidance when you are always taking the counsel of more spiritually matured counselors.'

  'I love that one so much, Jack'

  'But that, at times, may serve as a replaceable element for the real thing. Don't, as I told you previously, get into the habit of taking every advice without first testing them. The testing process develops individual faith as the waiting process, during hard times, brings forth further or greater dependence on God.'

  'I pray God protects me from trying preference and making mistakes. Such decisions based on self-will are really risky?'

  'Yeah Bill, but God promised to protect us too,' he told me. 'Part of his protection involves giving us signs that we are operating out of his will and such signs could be painful.'

  'Signs like?'

  'Bill,' he sighed. 'He could conform you into his will by making you go through an accident, say you were travelling to somewhere while he wanted you to remain at home. He may leave you to yourself for you to learn the lesson that gives guidance the title of a spiritual lifestyle.'

  'Why would he be that wicked?' I asked with a painful grimace as our car turned another lane.

  'Never had he been vicious, Bill. It's not a deadly punishment but a painful correction, which is likely to occur when he had been giving you previous warnings that you are following the will of self.'

  'Is that the only sign he gives us?'

  'No, Bill. He wouldn't do the act of a dastardly villain to everyone. He may not even do it sometimes. Accidents, I mean, may not necessarily be fire or motor accidents. Rarely does that happen. He may only put you in a painful state that you may always learn to request his unswerved guidance towards you. You would be surprised at how he will revive your damages once you accept and acknowledge your mistakes, Bill.'

  'And other signs?'

  'He may leave you in a state of inner restlessness or may give you certain means of identification that that isn't part of his will. At times when you get disappointed or failed at the midst of your action, you have to calm down and require his will for you. In that sense, you stand a chance not to lose his plans for you.'

  'That could lead to confusion, which with time may certainly rise to its zenith, Jack.'

  'Confusion would leave you in a state of constant dependence on him and depending on him for guidance leads to protection from making unwise decisions. Such you did when you decided your marriage issues, Bill.'

  'I could try a fleece when I want to decide marriage.'

  'Fleece is a means of confirmation not a means of decision, Bill. Okay, if you think you can figure out a fleece you could put forward to God in some marriage matters when you haven't heard him say 'whoever', could you describe such fleece?'

  'I would say; 'God, if this is the damsel you want for me, let her give me water from the well that stands in front of me.''

  'All the same, Bill. Doesn't that question sound to you as confirmation? He must have told you, 'my will is for you to visit the well and the third person you see is your wife,' Jack said. 'That isn't after all bad but it is of great limitations in marriage. Let's not talk about fleece again. What would it cost you to ask God?'

  'I fear that I may die!' He cackled noisily and I decided to join him.

  'Funny, Bill. But confirmation comes after asking.'

  We had gotten to the post office and as Jack pushed open the car door, I decided to ask him a question.

  'Jack, this had been helpful but how can I settle matters with Catherina without making a mess of things?'

  'Easy, by God's help, Bill. Explain your new findings to her if God leads you to. But apart from that, I have got nothing more to decide you. Let everything be at God's leading.'

  'Thanks so much, Jack,' I acknowledged with a nod and shaking him.

  Placing his lorgnette which I hadn't seen earlier on his eyes, he took up his bag and turned to leave. I requested for his phone number and he gave it to me, slipping it out of his attaché case, with a beam on his face. I am really happy to have such a man by my side.

  'Now I think I have to make a change,' I said to myself.

  I dashed out of my car to see Catherina coming towards me. I ducked behind the car and turned round to meet Jack at the other end. The post office was a whitewashed bungalow and we had approached its sliding doors. Trying to evade Catherina, I hurriedly motioned Jack inside and slammed the door, most to Jack's surprise. I took a glance at the doors again. Through its transparent mirrors, I could see her still staring at me and shaking her head. I tittered inwardly. It wasn't really that I hated her! I just wanted not to have a scintilla of conversation with her. It would be awkward and I would end up in poor taste when she blubbers and falls into my arms.

  Turning around, I could see Jack gazing at me. I smirked, knowing how much of my imbroglio he had figured out by now.

  'What?' I asked.

  'Nothing really, Bill. I just wanted to ask you a question.'

  'Sure Jack.'

  'Your final examinations, have you taken them?'

  'No Jack. It would be coming up on 23rd of next two months.'

  'That should be August, Bill. So how are you making it up to them?'

  'I don't really know, Jack. I'm just thinking of whom to study with and I haven't made any clear decisions as yet,' I said.

  'Just let God lead you by his Spirit to the chosen person he has for you. He may also want you to learn on your own. Just let him make the decision for you.'

  'And if I don't ask him?' I smirked.

  'You will just jump in through the window of confusion.'

  He said as we cheerily laughed, walking through the next door.