Struggles of a Country boy

  That cloud is like gauze. It makes a shadow but it's so filmy and high it doesn't seem to belong to us.

  He studied the sky some more. There's more of them down south. I wonder if they'll cross the moon, too?

  Cynthia's brother is a lot like mine. They're both bigger and a lot older than we are. I guess they kind of act alike in other ways, too.

  I always thought her brother was real nice. Like the time he took a bunch of us skiing before I had my license.

  But everyone thinks my half brother, Richard, is nice too. Especially the women he flirts with.

  Brad wiped at the tears which were running down across his cheeks and in the cold night air feeling like ice water by the time they slipped over the high part of his cheeks.

  Why am I thinking about this? Because Cynthia told me about her brother doing it to her. I guess I'll get in bad trouble if anyone finds out I did it to Greta. Even if I was only about five the first time and she told me I wasn't big enough. She said only Richard’s was long enough and big enough to make her feel good.

  Brad leaped to his feet! In one motion he drew the .22 from its holster and thumbed the hammer back! He squeezed the trigger and thumbed the hammer back as fast as he could to empty the revolver into the creek.

  He jumped off the log into the dew soaked brush and not bothering with the trail trotted back towards the road. He could feel the dampness soaking through his pants legs and felt them slapping coldly against his calves and shins as he trotted back to where he had left the car.

  The big straight 8 engine started easily and in seconds he had the fan pouring heat out of the heater onto his ice cold legs while he rubbed his bare arms to get them warm.

  He sat for a long time with the engine running and the heater going full blast while he shivered and struggle to get warm. His pants dried out rapidly and the skin on his legs finally felt warm to the touch. Even when he shifted around on the seat his butt felt warm and dry. He had been shivering periodically and a while ago when he tried to reload the revolver's cylinder his fingers shook so much he dropped a whole box of .22 shells on the front floor of the car.

  Maybe now I can get some shells into the cylinder if I can find enough shells on the floor to fill it.

  That's OK. I've got the gun loaded and about forty more shells in my belt.

  Damn, I still feel cold.

  The same thoughts he had had while he listened to Cynthia talk about her brother molesting her kept running through his head and no matter where he went or what he did he couldn't stop the words or blot out the ugly images which were racing across the screen of his mind.

  Brad's half brother saying, "It won't be dirty. See, I'll wash it off." Flashed across his thoughts.

  Then the slow-motion picture which kept rerunning itself time after time appeared. His brother's large hands holding his own huge erection over the bathroom sink while he washed it in warm soapy water.

  "See, it's clean. Lick it."

  Then he felt his half brother's hand take his and lead him back to the bedroom they shared. His brother laid on his back and push Brad's head into his crotch.

  "Put it in your mouth. Suck me off. Come on, suck. Oh! Oh! More - more! God damn it, don't stop! Put it back in your mouth."

  Brad kicked the dash of the Pontiac in frustration. He slammed the clutch pedal to the floor and jerked the car into gear. In a spray of gravel he drove in a circle around the farm house before speeding down the gravel road going nowhere in particular, just driving into the night.

  He drove through Greenfield and looked down the side street towards Cynthia's house for the third time in the last hour. It was only 4 o'clock in the morning and there still weren't any lights on.

  The morning sky was a faint pink with purple traces across the eastern horizon as he drove towards Wilmet. He didn't know where he was going, he only knew he wanted to escape from the haunting, recurring visions and the guilty feelings they kept bringing to him.

  Cynthia is still in bed. I really don't dare call her anyway. She probably won't ever talk to me again.

  Dad will get up at 7, so I've got to be back before then. I'll go by Annie's. Her mother goes to work really early sometimes.

  A quarter of a mile south of Ballou's sawmill Brad met Jim Lorain's milk truck headed out to pick milk up from the farms around a five or six town area.

  Wonder who's driving this morning. Drives like Jim, he's going kind of slow.

  The lights were just coming on in the coffee shop when he cruised down Main Street in Wilmet.

  Funny time of night to be cruising Main Street. I think I'm the only kid in town out of bed and on the street.

  He slowed and almost stopped at the Phillips's house. The porch light and behind it a small kitchen light were on. It was still dark enough so he could see the glow of his brake lights in his rearview mirror as he drifted slowly down the street riding the brakes on the heavy Pontiac. His hands clutching the steering wheel felt clammy and numb.

  There's no one up yet. Her mother probably isn't even working this morning.

  Annie wouldn't want to see me anyway.

  EIGHTEEN

  "Brad. Brad. Wake up.

  Are you going to sleep all day? It's almost 10 o'clock.

  Where did you go with the car last night? You burned up half a tank of gas."

  "I just drove around for a while."

  "With your girl friend?"

  "No. By myself."

  "Well, get up if you want to use the car this afternoon. I have to work for a while but if you take me in you can have it."

  "OK. I'd like to go chuck hunting for a while."

  "I put all your .22 shells on your desk, Brad. They were all over the floor of the car."

  "Yeah. Thanks. I dumped the box accidentally in the dark when I got here last night."

  "Annie Phillips called you about an hour or so ago."

  "Oh. Did she say what she wanted?"

  "No. Just for you to call her if you wanted to.

  She was real sure about that. Call if you want." His dad added from the hallway just before he turned into the kitchen. "She'll be home all day. Made sure about that too."

  Brad stopped the big green Pontiac on the cross street where he could see Annie's house. The house looked quiet in the bright noonday sun. He watched two small boys, a five and a six year old zip across the street as fast as their tricycles would zip and seconds later heard Annie's small voice raised to its utmost when she squealed on the kids to their mom, a Korean War widow, and the Phillips' next door neighbor.

  "Susie! They're out in the street again!"

  A half smile twitched at his lips and Brad had the courage to put the car in low gear and start down the street. He pulled into the driveway barely far enough to get off the street and just sat there quietly watching the back door where he was sure Annie had just gone.

  "I would have settled for a phone call, but I hoped you would come see me.

  Want to get out and come into the house. No one is home but me."

  Startled Brad turned towards the front of the house. She stood less than three feet from his left arm. The first thing he noticed was the line of freckles across the bridge of her small nose had gotten more numerous and darker in the spring sun.

  "Are You Irish?"

  Her quick soft smile was the best and brightest thing he had seen for what seemed like weeks.

  "Yeah, I'm half or so I guess. Whatever made you ask that, Brad Burgess? Do I look Irish all of a sudden?

  I know. I'm turning green." Her laugh sounded to Brad like a music box playing a sweet love song.

  "Yeah. I guess you do. Look Irish, not green."

  He kept looking and followed the scattering of freckles down her cheeks and onto the very bottom of her throat where most women get sunburned and Annie had a wild profusion of freckles.

  "Come on in where it's cool and drink a Coke."

  "I'
m going chuck hunting. Do you want to go with me?

  "I'm not going to walk anywhere. Just ride the roads if that worries you." Brad was quick to explain when he realized he really wanted her to go with him and he wanted to do what would please Annie.

  "Will you take me to Purgatory Falls!? I've never seen them and I wouldn't mind walking a little. Especially if we can go to the falls.

  I'm going to change my clothes. I was just about to put on my shorts when you showed up."

  Annie opened the car door and took Brad's left hand off the steering wheel before speaking again.

  "Come on in while I change. We can have a Coke. If we don't finish it we can take it with us."

  Her small soft hand felt good when she took his hand off the steering wheel and wouldn't let go. It was as if she was afraid he would chicken out and run away.

  "I've got to stop at the lunch counter. I want to tell my mom where we're going." She spoke back over her shoulder while she led Brad towards her front door. Without a word being spoken she led him through the living room into the kitchen and up to the refrigerator before she let go of his hand with another of her soft warm smiles. Annie opened the refrigerator door and handed Brad the first curvaceous green Coke bottle she took from the tiny freezing compartment. Though the dark brown liquid sloshed freely, the outside of the bottle was speckled with frost and Brad knew it would be riddled with ice crystals when it passed through his teeth.

  "Work on that while I change."

  Before she closed the door into her bedroom Brad looked around her into the obviously feminine room. He was sure it was as tiny as the rest of the house seemed to be. The house was a lot smaller than the one he lived in but it seemed warmer, brighter and more lived in. A home he felt he could sit in the kitchen and slump over the kitchen table while he sipped icy Coke out of the bottle. Just before he sat down on one of the blue plastic covered kitchen chairs he noticed a new shiny brown Emerson radio on the counter next to the sink.

  "Can I turn the radio on?"

  "Sure. It's already tuned to WHDH in Boston."

  The face of the tuning dial reminded Brad of a clock. It was round and the pointer was like clock hands locked forever opposite each other.

  Her easy grasp on his shoulders made Brad start. He had not heard her come out of her room over Johnnie Raye drawing tears from CRY as he had been doing for the past 18 or 19 months.

  "Are you ready to go, Brad?

  "Want to take another Coke with you?"

  "No. No, thanks. This one is enough. Are you going to take one?"

  "Sure, then when yours is gone we can share mine."

  Brad watched her walk the couple of steps to the refrigerator and he couldn't help but to look and admire her body.

  Those light blue Bermudas look really nice on her. She has a cute figure. Nice butt.

  Annie hadn't been out of the car for five minutes to tell her mom where they were going before she had come back and bounced happily onto the Pontiac's big wide front seat and slid across the gray/brown cover until her bare knee and upper thigh came against Brad's leg.

  "That didn't take you long. What's in the bag?"

  "Our lunch. Mom made us a couple of BLTs and threw in some Boston cream pie. She says you love it."

  "How did she fix it so fast? And how does she know I love Boston cream pie? I only eat it every time I have the money to buy my lunch at the lunch counter. "I'm starved. It's really nice of your mom to give us lunch."

  "I know, because your broke."

  "I didn't say that."

  "I'm sorry Brad. I know you didn't say it. I just guessed since you didn't ask me to go to lunch you probably didn't have any extra money."

  Annie swung the conversation around to where it had started.

  "I called her while I was changing my clothes to ask her if I could go with you. She said she would fix us some lunch if I could figure out how to get you to pick it up."

  "Am I that hard to get along with?"

  "No! Just a little too proud. But I lo - like you for it."

  Her fingers felt dry and cool when she pushed them into his tightly clenched fist. Brad had no idea how long he had been holding his hand so tight but the rush of blood into his fingers when Annie forced him to move them burned and hurt at the same time as it felt good.

  The rush and roar of Purgatory Falls made it almost impossible to talk. The air was heavy with mist that was swirling up from the crashing water. Annie stood close with her hip against his. Though she was laughing as the moisture dripped from her face, Brad couldn’t hear her. Only the toss of her head and expression of glee told him what a good time she was having. Slowly they started up the trail away from the falls still hanging onto each other.

  Brad felt her rub her face against the side of his shirt, then she took his arm and wiped it across the side of her arm.

  “The water tickles. Besides, it’s cold.” She laughed and hugged him pressing her full, youthful breasts against his chest. Her lips on his felt cool for an instant, then became hot and soft.

  Walking up the trail Annie was watching Brad with concern in her eyes.

  "Do you feel OK, Brad? You look tired and as if you're in pain."

  "I am tired and I'm starting to get a headache."

  "We can go home if you'd like. I've had a great time and I'm glad you brought me out to the falls. I didn't know they were so big and noisy.

  "I think it's almost 4:30. What time do you have to pick up your dad? By 5 o'clock?"

  "Somewhere around five he said. He isn't on the clock. Today is all overtime on his own to get the company caught up. So he comes and goes as he pleases."

  "Do you want to drop me off on your way to get him? I wouldn't mind if you did so you won't have to bring me back home.

  I don't know why I brought her with me. We haven't hardly talked to each other all afternoon.

  I like her, but I don't know what to say half the time and I'd like to hold her and kiss her again, but I don't think she wants me to.

  "I think we are going to move to California sometime this summer. My mother told my dad she wanted to stay out there and we should sell the house and move out there if we wanted to."

  "Do you want to go, Brad? We only have two more years of school left. Wouldn't you want to finish school here with us? After all we've been together for five years already.

  I would really miss you a lot."

  Brad turned to the petite blond who was still sitting tight against his right side as he drove, but she was facing the other way studying the houses as they drove down her street.

  "I have to go pick up my dad. I'll see you later."

  "Will you call me tonight, Brad? Maybe after supper I'm not going anywhere and I don't a date."

  "I'll try. Bye."

  NINETEEN

  "What do you mean. Are we going to sell the house and move out there or not!?

  "Dear, Dear? Will you listen to me? We have to know now. If we're staying here Brad goes back to school next week and he isn't even registered for this year because you said you wanted to stay out there.

  "I know God damn well we can't afford this telephone call, but I also know we have to make a decision or better yet you have to make a decision. Either you're coming back here, or we're moving out there.

  "Today is the 29th of August. Brad only has ten days, with a long weekend in between, before school starts. We're long past the time of deciding what we're going to do."

  Brad sat staring at the TV set not seeing or hearing it, but listening to his father's side of his parent's phone call. He could never remember hearing his father stand up to his mother so persistently. Normally it would be 15 seconds of his father raising his voice before the female dominated man would turn chicken and allow her to have her way. All summer long the decision had bounced back and forth between: 'We're going as soon as the house is sold to’: 'Your mother will be back in a week or two and then
we will decide if we're moving to California or not.' So far the house hadn't been put up for sale and his mother hadn't come back from California.

  "Well, OK. He starts back to school on the eighth. He can use the car, he's been using it all summer. He drops me at work and keeps the car."

  Brad turned to look down the hall where his father was. He had been quiet so long Brad wondered if he was still on the phone. But it was only that the phone call had finally turned as all of his parent’s arguments did. His mother was now dominating and setting terms and conditions. Harold was now just nodding animatedly and trying to interject something into a conversation which had turned one-sided against him.

  "I think so. I'm sure he has some decent clothes to start school in.

  "He's been working part time all summer if he needs something he can buy it. He bought new hunting boots and a wool jacket so he can't be too broke."

  What the hell do you mean, I can buy clothes? You wouldn't let me work full time most of the summer. I don't have enough money to buy school clothes.

  "I don't care. I just want to know when your coming home."

  Brad no longer made any bones about listening in on the conversation. He got out of his chair and walked down the hallway and leaned against the door jamb next to his father and listened. From where he stood he could clearly hear his mother's voice.

  "Greta still isn't able to do a lot. The baby is a handful for her to pickup, and you know how Edgar is, he isn't going to help her with any woman's work like changing a diaper or cleaning house."

  "Wouldn't it be easier if I just put the house up for sale, and as soon as it sells Brad and I can drive out there?"

  "Harold, I've told you before I'm not sure I want to stay out here forever. I really don't know if I want to live here at all.

  "Just stay there in New Hampshire and when I make up my mind I'll decide what to do.

  "I'm going to hang up now and don't call me anymore, we can't afford these long distance calls."