The Hench Woman's Handbook

He smiled at that. "Fascinating yet my point is that it behooves me, when this feeling comes along, to

  see if I can help that person find their proper position in the world and you strike me strongly as one such person." His hand left my elbow and patted the seat next to him. "Shall we discuss this further?"

  "That's really interesting and probably the best offer I'm going to get today but I've got other tables to see to and make sure that their house specials are properly placed with the right party there, you understand. It behooves me to do so."

  I was able to make my grand departure then, taking my time to finish up a couple of orders elsewhere before getting back to him. I know he had his eye on me, especially when I had to catch a tray of hot soup that the new girl nearly threw up in the air there. I must have been a contortionist in another life to keep those bowls from flying into someone's face.

  That might have made him act a little less smug when I got back to him. He sat there, acting all nice as pie and after ordering a tuna melt, got right back to where he started with me. "Miss Margery..."

  "Just call me Marge, okay? Time is money and I'm short on both."

  He liked that comeback, I could tell from the small grin on his mug there. "Very well, Marge, my dear, as I was saying before ,you appear to be a woman whose talents are far from being challenged in such an establishment as this." He waved his cig around and dropped some ash on the floor. "No doubt you know who I am and what I can provide to the right young lady not merely for entertainment purposes but in financial security as well."

  Yep, I was hooked but not stupid. I kept my cool and just said "Okay, so what are you offering, exactly?"

  "The opportunity to be my personal companion, to stay by my side while living the glamorous life. I need a pretty face to accompany me to social events that I can't get out of and it would be nice to have one that I could hold an actual conversation with and not become bored within the first two minutes of the evening. Other requirements of this position would include providing an alibi or two when needed. Hopefully, you don't have an arrest record of any sort..." I shook my head and he went on.

  "Of course, you're old enough to realize that I'm not seeking any long term emotional commitment but I do think we can get along just fine. When we decide to part ways, a golden parachute of sorts will be handed over to you for services rendered, giving you ,amongst other sundry items, a home of your own and mutual funds that will be invested properly. Our arrangement can be put into writing, a minor task for my lawyers to deal with." He smirked at that, giving his whole game away. Only bullies and creeps smirk like that when they think they're pulling one over on you, like my Uncle Vinnie would when asking little girls to look for the candy surprise in his pants pocket. There was a surprise, all right, only it wasn't sweet if you know what I mean.

  That nasty smirk snapped me right out of any urge to roll over for him. My answer to that was "So, you think I'm a hooker."

  "Oh, no, no, please not at all!" He stubbed out his smoke and switched his face over to nice guy mode. "Marge, you are a striking young woman, you don't need me to tell you that." I snorted. Being hit on was one of those in the line of duty hazards of the job. "I can see that this dreary table hopping routine of yours wasn't what you dreamed of being as a little girl but something you felt that you had to settle for."

  Well, he had my number there.

  He took my hand and held it like he was planning on giving my knuckles a kiss. "Why spend the remainder of your youth drowning your beauty and brains in a dive such as this? It would be far better to have a few exciting tales to spin in your golden years about the bold chance you took when a stranger walked in and whisked you away to places and experiences that you never believed would be yours to behold."

  "Geez, I'm not even thirty yet and you've got me in an old folk's home already. A real Romeo you are."

  A ding from the counter told me that his order was up. "I need my hand back to get your lunch."

  He released it and smirked again. "I'll give you a few moments to consider my offer, while you bring me that tuna plate." He thought he was dismissing me but he found out how wrong he was about that when I returned. As I put the plate down in front of him, Dexter gave me a hungry look (which wasn't for the food, trust me) and started in with "What do you say, Marge? My car is right outside and you can exchange your apron for a seat in the back."

  My laugh startled him, which says a lot about it considering that this was a man who faced down big league super heroes like the Courageous Avenger with nothing more than a walking stick and hidden behind the back laser gun. "What kind of a super villain are you, anyway? Making me an offer that we can have a bunch of lawyers write up it, all nice and neat. How very legal eagle of you!"

  Dexter's face was flushed and he hadn't even tasted the tuna melt yet. "I don't comprehend your implications here. If you prefer a verbal agreement..." My next laugh cut him off quick.

  I leaned down and talked low in his ear. "You want to know what I'm implying, Mr. Trenton? I'm implying that you're just another pushy guy in a fancy suit who thinks that he can get whatever he wants by flashing some cash along with big talk. You're supposed to be this evil genius, a real menace to society type but someone like that wouldn't be asking me what the deal was. He'd be telling me."

  I rose up and looked him right in the eye. "If you want me, just take me. Throw me over your shoulder or have your driver do it, then lock me in the trunk and hold me prisoner until I give in to your demands." I headed back to the kitchen, giving him my final word on the way. "That's how the real bad guys do it."

  He was long gone by the time I got back to my station. Nothing much was left behind except his untouched tuna melt and a pile of big bills that more than paid for it. I pocketed most of the money and chalked the whole thing up to another weird day.

  I didn't expect anything more to come of that run-in but about a week later, a couple of thugs grabbed me at my regular bus stop and threw a bag over my head before tossing me into the trunk of somebody's car. The next thing I know, I was being dumped onto the floor of some office right at Dexter Trenton's feet.

  The bastard just smirked at me and said "Now, do we really need to go through that whole prisoner routine you mentioned earlier or can we simply skip to the part where you agree to do my bidding?" You know what my answer was to that, since we're sitting here, but my yes was followed by the two of us sharing a bottle of scotch and a few laughs. You got to know when you're beat, girlie, and when that moment comes, making the best of things is your best option."

  Number Two: Know when to add input

  As the seasoned hench woman finished up her drink and started pouring another one, the girl in black dared to ask a personal question. "Uh, so were you and Master Class an item there at first or did the two of you develop that "friends with benefits" deal he mentioned when you originally met over time?" The girl used air quotes, something that normally made her new mentor order Mike to break her hands but at this point in the evening, she was more forgiving of foolish hand gestures.

  Foolish questions, not as much. "Listen, sweetie, this isn't gossip girl hour, okay? I thought you were serious about this but if all you want is some juicy tidbits to spread around the internet..."

  The girl held up her hands, shaking them as much as her bleached blonde head. "Oh, no, please! I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. I was just curious about where to draw the line between work and personal relationships, given the close connections and all that." She dropped her hand and eyes down into her lap. "God, I'm so stupid. I should go."

  "Are you done with the dramatics, girlie?" Marge tapped the rim of her glass, getting the girl to raise her face up a little. "Lesson the second is something you need to learn and fast. Knowing when to speak up and when to shut up.

  That's a key moment, finding the right time and place to make a suggestion. Too many people make the mistake of speaking out of turn or giving their boss an idea way too late. My right
moment was during that big United Enlightenment kidnapping, that fancy pants school where all the snotty brats with foreign ambassador mommies and daddies were packed off to in this country.

  Those people are supposed to be smart but when it comes to treating their hired help well, they can be mean and dumb which helps out a guy like Master Class who's looking for some insiders to pull a major snatch like that off. Plus, you'd think a rich kid's school would have a better planned field trip, not to mention real security. Hiring your brother in law who is only four days sober from a bad meth habit to keep a bunch of spoiled teenagers from running wild in Vegas was the stupidest move that principal ever made, second only to trying to negotiate with Master Class on his own before the parents and the cops found out.

  When the actual authorities did get wind of what was happening, things got a little more complicated that expected. Now, Dexter never out and out said that he would kill those kids but when you make ransom demand videos that end with "If you ever wish to see your beloved child alive again", it's hard to back down from something like