The Hench Woman's Handbook

also have to stay strong on your own in certain situations and not hold your breath and hope your boss shows up to get you the hell out.

  Like that time Master Class agreed to help Hero Elite fight those space invaders from the Beta Caldor system. It was a marriage of connivance there, you could say; the super duper dopes needed to use Dex's satellite to call the Galactic Cops or whoever it was that could give them some serious back-up and Dex didn't need any competition in his take over the world plans, especially a bunch of slimy bugs who wouldn't make a deal with him.

  So, at one point, I found myself having to escort Bon Bon and that meathead Body Slam to some switch that had to be pulled in one of the buildings at Master Class's secret moon station. That bimbo Bon Bon keeps trying to get ahead of me, like she knows where anything is and the next corner we turn puts us right square in front of a whole squad of Beta Bugs.

  They chased us right into a tight dead end, which didn't give us a lot of room to fight them off. Body Slam was just a pumped up ex-jock with a couple of weapons that he had already dropped along the way, so he was no help there and Bonnie wasn't up to full fire power due to still being weakened by that radiation blast she took breaking into the station. If that dumb ass had called into her partners first, she could have been let in the front door but oh, no..." Tony stuck his head in at that moment.. "Do you need to know the time?"

  "No, I need you to stand still and shut up!" She smacked the table top hard, enough to make the glasses shake and the pen to fall out of the girl's hand. As Tony retreated, she fumbled about the floor for it but Marge tapped her hand in front of her. "Never mind, girlie. From here on out, just listen." The girl straightened up and looked at Marge attentively, taking another sip from her rather full glass. She kept the drink in her hands as Marge went on.

  "So, anyway, it was up to me to do something. There were five of those bugs surrounding us, each one of them hooked up to some human host that they rode sort of piggyback style on top of. Those scientist guys and even that super smart chump Brainwave said they weren't bugs but what else do you call creepy crawling things that look like giant Jell-o molds with feelers, huh? The only way those things could talk to anyone was through their humans, like one of those dummies in a Vegas act.

  The one that took over the biggest guy, I thought he was in charge at first but it was the one that had a balding accountant guy as his ride that started ordering us around. "Surrender now, Earth Dwellers and you will not be harmed." Yeah ,right, I've heard that one before.

  I had a folded up laser stick in my back pocket, which I was hoping to get the chance to smack Bon Bon with, that I needed a few minutes to snap out and use properly. Bon Bon had managed to spark up a tiny fireball that held them off a little there, but not enough for me to get ready. She did look tough with those glowing hands of hers, I have to say. Still, stalling time was needed and that was my specialty. Besides, I didn't really know how to work that damn stick-Dexter swiped it so fast that his people didn't get the chance to check the kinks.

  So, I relied on my best weapon, my big mouth. " Whatever, freak face. You guys are going to be sorry you even took over this crap heap of a planet, hell, you're doing us a favor, really."

  Bon Bon started yelling at me about my lack of patriotism but Body Slam kept his mouth shut. He wasn't as dumb as he looked. Lucky for me, the bug team leader was. "What do you mean by that, Earth Dweller?" The face on his human scrunched up, trying to look mean but the poor guy just came off as annoyed at best.

  "Just that you folks are getting a real fixer-upper. Our ozone layer is full of more holes than a Swiss cheese sandwich, thanks to all of the pollution that we still don't know how to clean up, and we're jam packed with poverty stricken nations that breed all sorts of spanking new diseases and that's not counting the secret germ warfare that all of our governments have on hand. Most of them are just waiting for an excuse to spray that stuff all over a bunch of space ants out to spoil their picnic."

  "I just can't believe you, Margie!" Bon Bon spits in my face, getting all self righteous at the wrong time as usual. "Of all the depths that a person could sink to, you would have to head right down to the slime reserved for traitors and bad mouthers, right in front of these.." Little Miss Nicey-Nice had trouble calling those space creeps anything bad. The best she came up with was " these things!"

  "WE are not THINGS!" The Head Bug curled up a couple of those antenna things that were sort of like their arms and shook one in Bon Bon's direction. "Our race is superior to yours, in every way!"

  "Really, is that why you need to ride these suckers because you're too good to walk?" The laser stick was now in the palm of my hand but I wasn't quite ready to use it just yet. Plus, I hated it when she called me Margie, that bitch. "As for you, Bonnie, I thought you were all about defending the truth and stuff like that. Why is so wrong of me to tell these guys the real deal about our planet falling apart at the seams there,huh? Hey, even when someone buys a used car, you're supposed to give them all the facts before they make a down payment-am I right, Body Slam?"

  I threw him a rope but, of course, Genius Boy refused to catch it. "I have nothing to say." That should have been his official motto, not "Throwing down for Justice!". You can take the man out of professional wrestling but you can't take lame pro wrestling lines away from the man.

  Anyway, at least some of the other bugs was paying attention to what I was saying about how run down Earth was-I think it was the one straddling the shoulders of some punk teenager in one of those fast food joint type of uniform who spoke up first. Man, I've had my share of crappy jobs but even during my worst waitress gig I never had to ask "Do you want fries with that?" This kid had a bad enough existence before becoming a mule for a space bug." She snickered and nearly went into a giggle fit for a few minutes, then stopped when she caught the confused eye of her still eager listener.

  "Okay, back on track here-the fast food kid decided to join the conversation with "Perhaps we should learn more from these beings about our new home world..."

  "Be silent, you drone head!" The Bug Leader got all in his face or rather his human's face. " I will not allow dissention in the ranks or time to be wasted by listening to the yammering of ape creatures!"

  "Watch who you're calling an ape there, Mister!" Bonnie was getting all huffy and hurt feelings. She kept giving me the stink eye, which was useless since reviving up her fire power would've helped out a lot more.

  I just ignored her and focused on Fast Food Kid. "Yeah, well, we may be ape creatures or whatever you want to call us but when all is said and done, we won't be the ones who have to be responsible for anything anymore. Sure, you'll take over most of us but there's a lot of weak and sickly types to sort through down there ,plus once you wipe out all of the rebellious ones, the rest will be smart enough to let you suckers run the show and get stuck with the bill."

  "That is not true! Plenty of people will fight back against these invaders and won't stop until we're free!" Bon was in full beauty pageant mode, with her chin stuck out and hands on hips ready to sing any national anthem on cue.

  Me, however, I went for the kill, so to speak. "You know as well as I do, Bonnie that history doesn't back that statement up too well. Lots of people gave in to occupational troops during just about every major war we've ever had and a good number of them even joined the enemy and turned on their own kind to save their skin. Hell, some of those guys just did it to get a taste of the good life." I smirked at all of them and hit her with "What makes you think that we would act any better under E.T. rule, hmm?"

  Fast Food Kid spoke up then. "This Earth Dweller makes a good point. Many of the species that we have conquered on other worlds have said that our presence made their problems worse, not better and that if we wanted conditions to improve that it was our responsibility to do so." A couple of his buddies were nodding the heads of their riders which Team Leader Guy didn't like at all. "No one desires your opinion, Breeder Nine ,not on important matters that is!"

/>   Now, I don't know jack about gender roles in the bug world but that sounded like Fast Food Kid was someone's girlfriend to me. I gave him a "I know how you feel" look and said "Gee, I guess bad boyfriends are universal, huh?"

  "What does that mean?!" Team Leader Guy tried to hijack the conversation again but Fast Food Kid's attention was fixed on me. "Yes, I can gleam from this host's mind that even females on your world must deal with being treated as inferiors..."

  "Stop speaking with her!" Team Leader shoved aside a couple of his guys and grabbed Fast Food Kid by the neck with one of his gross limbs there. "Breeder Nine, you must know your place!"

  "Whoa, know your place like a good little barefoot girl in the kitchen, right? Yeah, you're going to fit right in with a lot of the beer can crushing crowd on Earth there, big boy!" This jerk was making it so easy for me. Bonnie tried to snatch the spotlight back by whining at me to stop being negative but Body Slam was smart enough to shut her up and pull her into a corner, where they could work on their game plan.

  In the meantime, I was refereeing the lover's spat between the space bugs. "I have just as much right to speak, Azar, as you do on any and all matters! As to my place, that doesn't seem to be a quandary for you when I am beseeched to help you with your need for seedling relief!"

  The rest of the Bug Pack was glaring at Team Leader, with one of them getting closer to Fast Food Kid and putting a hand on the limb around his neck. "Release your hold on Breeder Nine, Azar or I will report you this time to the Celestial Over Lords."

  Team Leader growled ,sort of. He made a weird noise that didn't come out of his host's mouth there. "So now, you presume to challenge me, Malbok? You, who barely have any seedlings to spread?"

  "Sounds like somebody has the need to measure out their seedlings there and it's been my experience that those who talk the talk the loudest usually can't walk the walk for long there." Not my best line , but it seemed to do the trick.

  The other bugs rallied around Fast Food Kid and got that Team Leader jerk off of him, then they started surrounding him instead of us. Bonnie and Body Slam started sneaking away but I stayed a moment longer to unsnap my laser stick and check out the action. Fast Food Kid was taking charge at this point. "Your seedlings are not worth the planting, which is why I had to spend so much time disposing of them once you had unloaded them onto me and then went to sleep, without even acknowledging me the next day cycle!"

  The one called Malbok backed him up with "And you told us that we must hold in our seedlings until our tour of duty was completed, in order to be in our best battle form!"

  "I am in command and you will all obey me or suffer the consequences! Take control of these Earth Dwellers and I will not put any of you on report!"

  The big guy that I thought was in charge, in the first place? He went right up to Team Leader Guy and yanked one of his antenna off while yelling "That's what you said on Alpha Centauri and it's still a falsehood now!" The next thing you know, all of them started pulling out their space rifles and blasting each other in the face. I was on the move by then but even when I did catch up to Body Slam and Bon(who didn't bother to wait for me, despite the fact I was the only one who knew my way around the station), you could still hear a few bug gut splats there.

  Turns out those two ran in the right direction and we found the switch in time to help save the day and all of that happy crappy. The news stories made it sound like Dex was forced to work with Hero Elite but they were the ones begging him to go in on their plan, believe you me. Sure, they acted sort of grateful to Dexter in front of the press but they didn't want to give him too much credit.

  That bimbo Bonnie just loved telling anyone who'd listen how I lead her and Body Slam into a trap that she was able in the nick of time to get out of." Marge bit her lip, drumming her nails on the table top. "That tight assed tart never did work well with other girls, especially if they weren't being her little cheerleaders."

  The girl in black had picked up her pen by this time and was putting in back in her purse. Marge noticed that slight movement and pounced on it. "So, you don't want to take any more notes? You're all finished here?"

  "Um, you said I should just listen so,.."

  "Yeah, well, don't pack up your gear just yet, okay, girlie? I might be giving you a pop quiz before we're done there. so keep those notes handy."

  Number Five: Know when to move on.

  The bar was a hour away from last call. The bartender sent over a fresh round of drinks to the booth, which both women ignored. "The last thing you ought to know about being in this business, whether you're a sidekick for the good guys or a hench person-that's the term you're supposed to use these days, right?-is that you can't make this your one and only career goal.

  For one thing, there's no such thing as job security. Being expendable is a main part of playing this game on the sidelines. Trust me, when the boss needs someone to answer the door during a hostage negotiation or check out the building first before he goes in to grab that fancy trinket he wants to sell to the highest bidder, he doesn't send his best player out to get cut down first.

  Now, I know there are some people who get off on the whole "Yes, Master" deal but those are not the kind you can rely on in a pinch. Those jerks are too busy falling apart when the plan go wrong instead of looking for the best exit strategy there."

  Marge kept talking but she wasn't bothering to look at the girl in black at this point. Her eyes went elsewhere, perhaps following that last wisp of smoke from the last cigarette she had lit up and then snuffed out in the ash coated saucer next to her refreshed drink. "Me, I was more fortunate than some. After Dex had his lights punched out for good there, I found out that he had left me a nice little bundle of goodies in his will. A good chunk of cash, some property and the keys to his private vault in his secret lair near the center of the earth. His lawyers had set it up so that all of it could go to me without forking anything over to the IRS or the Feds or any other country in the world. Nice deal, if you can get it, right?

  That was way more than I ever expected from him. Sure, by then I was Master Class's right hand and I had worked my ass off to deserve that spot and we made a hell of a lot of trouble for those big shot super hero jerks, but it didn't feel like our work was really done, you know? We never did take over the world or a major nation there-that island fortress Master Class had out near the Bermuda Triangle was more of a test run, really.

  With what Dex had left me, plus the money I had tucked away in Swiss bank accounts and the Caymans, my net worth was pretty sweet there. Still is. Yet, I hadn't expected Dex to depart this life so soon.

  I know that "officially" Bon Bon thought she was destroying that Doomsday device that Master Class appeared to be handing over to Professor Zero but, once again, if she had just called ahead and talked to the rest of her team, she would've known that it was all a ploy to get the Professor busted on tape. Dex worked with a lot of low lifes and crazies but even he knew that Zero was too dangerous to be allowed to roam free there.

  He was the one who made the call to Captain Crusader to set up that whole sting in the first place ,despite the fact that his membership in Villainy United would be revoked permanently, since he got that second warning from the space bug caper. But Dex had to make sure that wacko got nabbed for good.

  Well, it all worked out, I guess. Bonnie's ill timed blast took out two bad birds with one stupid stone there ,not to mention a couple of undercover cops and some innocent bystander types. Funny how all of that got smoothed over by the Powers that Be there ,now didn't it?"

  Marge sighed heavily, slumping slightly in her seat. The girl in black was tempted to reach out a comforting hand but stopped herself in time. "So, anyway, before going into business for myself there, I

  felt the need to clean house on that front. Looking back, it might have been better if I had taken the time to establish myself first and had a nice set of strong arm men assembled at my side, to deal with the cops and such, but nope, I wa
s out for blood ,pure and simple.

  After that phony baloney of a funeral that they put on for Dex, I went underground and started making plans on how to really pay my proper respects-true, Dex and I might have wound up killing each other or just gone down together in a blaze of glory but I earned the right to do that. Having some little tarty twit like Bon Bon take out Master Class, one of the major menaces to society that it's ever known, was an out and out insult. And Dexter always liked to pay back insults, one way or another."

  A cold smile crossed Marge's face. "So, how did I get closure, you may ask? Well, once I knew what kind of a budget was at my disposal, everything fell into place. I did have to wait a few months for some of the monies to clear customs and legal proceedings but when all was said and done, I was able to offer top dollar to the right mad scientists and flunkies to get what I needed. Never was much of a high tech person but as they say, everything can be bought with money.

  It also helped that I had a Presidential pardon on hand, from the space bug deal, that kept anyone official from keeping an eye on me. Even most of the Villainy United gang thought I was in serious mourning there. When it all went down, you should've seen the line of bad guys at my door, begging to team up with me. The same guys who snickered about Dex and me behind our backs and were ready to toss us out for doing a stupid thing like save the world ,mind you. I kept them waiting for a good long time, believe you me.

  During my planning stage, I started designing my costume. As goofy as those stretchy pants numbers are, they do make an instant statement to the public at large there. Master Class could get by on those sharp suits of his, but I needed something that told people who and what I was. Plus, showing off some of your best body parts never hurts." She stretched out one of her legs from the booth into the view of anyone sitting nearby their table , hiking up the long skirt covering them.

  A sharp whistle or two of appreciation from the remaining men in the bar followed in response. She grinned and pulled her leg back. "Some of those domestic skills are worth having, girlie. My Grandma Mavis may have been a bitch on wheels