The Hench Woman's Handbook

could have saved her life. It's so funny that I forgot to laugh.

  I waited a week before putting that hunk of junk where it rightfully belonged, in my opinion. I was tempted to throw it down the sewer or in the river but that just didn't feel right somehow. After doing a lot of thinking, it was obvious where that thing needed to go."

  The girl in black sat up straighter, her eyes glowing with impatient delight. Marge again took no notice, casting her eyes down at her nails. "Trenton Park was real quiet that Sunday, I remember. I almost thought it was deserted, like something out of one of those futuristic movies.

  Then again, that neighborhood had changed since Dexter had originally built that place, as part of his community service for that weird thing at the Tenth National Bank-he never did give me the details on that but it was before I even knew him, so I dropped that subject after awhile. I remember the only person I actually saw in the park that day, some little kid. I'm pretty sure it was a girl, since she had these long braids, like that princess in the tower fairytale book, you know? Some people braid boy's hair,too,though and the kid just had on a T shirt and pants, so I'm not a hundred percent sure on that.

  I do remember that this kid had on the biggest pair of eyeglasses that I've ever seen. He, she must have been blinder than a bat without those goggles on." She coughed, reaching out to tug on Tony's shirt. "Hey get me something to drink there-water, anything, I don't care."

  "Actually, I had a stigmatism." The girl in black pulled a small bottle of water from her purse and handed it over to Marge. "Lucky for me, that was fixed up by the time I was thirteen. Those glasses weren't heavy or anything but I did look like a major spaz."

  Marge took a swig from the bottle, glaring daggers. "What are you talking about?"

  "That day, in the park. My grandma was in the dog run next door to that big statue of Dexter Trenton and I hated hanging around there, watching those stupid Yorkies of hers yap their heads off, plus the smell was beyond gross. I wasn't supposed to go too far from the dog run, so I liked to go over to where the statue was and sit on one of the benches and just be by myself, you know what I mean?

  I was only ten at the time but even then I knew that there were better things in life that putting up with all the noise and stink around Grandma and her trailer park trash friends." She shuddered, scrunching her nose up in disgust. "So, there I was ,just having my quiet time when, all of a sudden, this figure in black leaps over my head and lands right in front of that statue! I was so amazed, it was like I was in a movie or something, like you said?" Marge slowly nodded, on full alert and eye contact with her.

  "So, there I was and there you were. I saw you jump on top, where the actual statue of him was and at first, I couldn't tell what you were doing exactly because your back was to me. I did smell something burning and metal and saw a few sparks, white sparks sort of shooting out a little. Then you jumped back down and I could see that this big shiny circle was added to the statue's chest. It was all glowy and stuff.

  I was still staring at it when you went past me. I wasn't sure if you had noticed me at first but then you looked back at me and snapped your fingers, to get my attention, I guess and then you said all serious like, "Tell them that this is the work of Madame Misrule!" The girl giggled, caught up in the excitement of her memory. "And that's what I told the park police guy that my grandma had with her, looking for me because I was too freaked out to move for like, hours!"

  Marge looked over her guest more thoroughly. "You dyed your hair."

  "Well,yeah and I stopped putting it in those lame braids or having my grandma do it, actually. I told her that you threatened to hunt me down if I didn't deliver your message so she cut my hair super short and dyed it black, which was cool for awhile. I hope you don't mind that I sort of lied to her but I didn't tell the cops or anybody else that you said that. Is that okay?"

  "Sure, whatever. Do you remember anything else that happened that day?"

  "Um ,you mean with the flower?" Marge replied with a low mumble which the girl in black took for a yes. "Oh, yeah, I so remember. Just before you started walking away from the statue, which I always liked -because I liked to pretend that Mr. Trenton was my real father-I totally hope you don't mind that, either!-that you pulled this red rose out and like, dropped at the base of the statue. I think you even sniffed it a little before you did that."

  "I did." Marge's fresh drink had arrived but she was ready to go. She tapped Tony and waited for him to help her out of the booth. "Guess we're done here, right?"

  "Oh,sure, we have been talking for a long time here! I am so grateful for this and what I really wanted to say to you the most is thank you for being my inspiration!" The girl in black was on her feet, shoving her items back into her purse and giving Marge her best sincere smile.

  Marge just looked at her like she was a repulsive piece of gum stuck to her shoe. "You find me inspiring?"

  "Of course, I do! You're a strong, smart, capable woman who proves that hench people can go over that glass ceiling and be more than just expandable fodder, like you were saying. You became one of the best super villains ever and if I could be anywhere near to what you are, I would be so honored!"

  Marge shook her head and started to laugh. "Oh, yeah, it's such an honor to be sitting in a dive like this with a bum leg and second hand bodyguards, passing on my hard earned wisdom to the next Eve Harrington of Evil-oh, yes, honey, I hope you achieve that dream of a lifetime there, I do!"

  Her laughter grew harsher. The girl in black joined in, not realizing who was the butt of the joke. Tony lead Marge over to the nearest bar stool and went out to get her car ready. The girl stopped laughing, feeling slightly uneasy. "Is there anything else you'd like to tell me about getting into this business?"

  Marge fumbled with her sleeve, taking out a small folded up stick that quickly snapped into a larger one with a glowing tip on the end. She used it to rise from her stool and walk. As she made her way towards the front door, Marge paused in front of the girl. "Yes, I do. Don't be so quick to look for trouble, honey or you'll find more than you think." A few more steps, she said over her shoulder, "Or can handle."

  The girl in black waited until she heard Marge get into her car and drive off before taking her leave of the bar. She was whistling a happy tune as she went, not noticing that the bartender was getting a call on his cell phone that informed him not to allow that particular young woman to enter his establishment again.

  Even if she had overheard, that wouldn't have stopped her from being happy about how the evening had been for her. That encounter was as life changing as she had hoped it would be but instead of earning the

  blessings of her chosen role model, the girl in black had instead gained a more ruthless enemy than she could ever imagine. The true lesson that she should have learned that evening was that some idols hated to be openly worshipped and only accepted payment in blood.

 

  Afterword

  Well, if you've gotten this far, I hope that this tale has given you some amusement even if you're not an expert on super hero lore. My inspiration for this story came from reading a Lex Luthor comic online (courtesy of the Smallville website,Kyptonsite) where he played a sadistic little mind game with a waitress during a stop on the road back to Metropolis. That story ended with the waitress in tears and Luthor laughing it up in the back seat with his chauffeur.

  I wondered ,however, what would have happened if that woman had called Lex on his bluff and In Charge Marge was born, so to speak. The first draft of this novella was written for a superhero story contest(that I dared to write in the manner of a Dorothy Parker monologue) and even though I never heard back about it, I kept that original version around, feeling that I wasn't done with it just yet.

  One of the major changes from that early attempt to this one was the girl in black being an unwitting witness to Marge's final tribute to Master Class. The original ending just had Marge running out of things to say and calling for her bodyguard
to take her home, which was sad but not stunning. What will become of the girl in black, I can not say but I assure you by the time I figure that out, she will have a full name.

  Another inspiration for The Hench Woman's Handbook is writer Paul Dini, one of my favorites from Batman: The Animated Series. He was one of the creators of the hench woman character Harley Quinn, that wacky girlfriend of the Joker's who became a standout figure on the show and even had her own line of comics, not to mention a live action role on the short lived TV series Birds of Prey.

  One of the hallmarks of B:TAS was the smart writing and strong number of formidable females who work either with or against the hero,including side characters like Officer Montoya who nabbed Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy during their first team-up in the episode "Harley and Ivy".

  It's not easy to find female characters in either animated or live action format, on screens big or small, in this genre that are not just objects to be rescued or stuffed in a fridge. However, the creative forces behind B:TAS and it's other animated ventures such as Superman: The Animated Series and