Commencement

  Allen awoke the next morning to the smell of frying bacon, crisp hash browns and freshly brewed coffee. He knew this was a trick to get him up and downstairs for a little “talk”. His mom knew what his favorite foods were and she always used them to manipulate him into doing something he didn’t want to do. He remembered the time when his mom wanted him to join the boy scouts. She brought home a pizza with all of his favorite toppings to convince him the boy scouts were worth a shot. Being only 8 he fell for it. Allen was now way too old to be taken in by a good meal. He just knew the “talk” would end up nothing but an argument replete with recriminations and result in alienated feelings at best. So he decided he would simply feign sleep until breakfast was over and his parents went out on errands. Then he would slip outside for a walk to clear his head.

  Allen turned over and pulled the covers over his head. He tried in vain to fall asleep again, but once his brain was on it was no use. All he could think of was the fact that it was another day and he still didn’t have a job or a prospect for one. It was now going on six months since his first interview, and to his 22-year-old mind, it seemed like forever. He had exhausted every conceivable resource, every avenue of hope. He had attempted to make networks with important people, went to agencies, and scouted job fairs (well the jury was still out on this prospect). Even though there were jobs that he probably could get if he downplayed his resume, his pride still wouldn’t allow him to go there. There was just no way he was going to work at McDonald’s or Baskin Robbins, nor was he going to stand on the corner. Tim and Tamiko had the nerve to complain about their jobs. If they were in his situation, they’d actually have something to complain about.

  “Maybe you should just give up”, he heard a voice inside his head say. Allen surely felt like he wanted to. But then he’d really be a loser. He’d be just like all the other brothers out there who didn’t even try. Actually, he’d be worse because he had tried and failed. Then, as time went by, his friends would move onward and upward in their careers. Sure they complained now, but what they were experiencing were just temporary setbacks. Jim would become Attorney General, Tamiko would be schools Chancellor, Tim would have his own company, Callie would be on the board of directors at the hospital, and Richard would be the owner of a fortune 500 company. As they moved forward, Allen would be stuck. They would soon wonder why they were hanging out with such a loser and then they would make excuses. “Sorry, Allen, I have a meeting”, “I just can’t make it, I have to work late”, “I have a very important project that’s due tomorrow”, they’d say. It had already started happening anyway. Sooner or later, he wouldn’t get any calls or get any of his calls returned and he would find himself alone. He wouldn’t even be able to blame them.

  The worse things went for Allen, the worse he felt. He even noticed his personality had changed. The formerly ‘happy-go-lucky’ Allen, now snapped at everyone, and what happened with Miko at Emily-Ann’s happened at home as well. His father multiplied threats to “put him out”, and even his mom, who was more understanding than humanly possible, was beginning to lose her patience.

  “Maybe it’s you” he heard the voice say again. Maybe it was Allen. Maybe there was something really terrible about him that he couldn’t see. The employers saw it, and now the people around him were beginning to see it. What if there was something wrong with him that he couldn’t fix. What if it was being African-American? What if there was something really wrong with us genetically. He remembered Tamiko’s words at dinner. All these years and all the different laws passed, and still we hadn’t really gotten anywhere as a people. What if there really was something wrong with us? Or worse. What if God really hates us? He had remembered his mother saying something about the curse of Ham? Was that what this was really about? Or did God just hate Allen?

  The longer Allen lingered, the more morose his thoughts became and with each passing moment, he became more and more depressed. The thoughts began to crowd his mind like thousands of little voices. He closed his eyes and all of the negative experiences flashed in front of him: the uncomfortable interviews, the arguments with his friends. Then he became so overwhelmed he had to get up. He had to go somewhere, do something, anything to get away from what he was feeling. Then it came to him. Allen went to his briefcase and searched through the business cards he had gathered at the job fair, and found the one with Holly’s number. He would call her and see if she wanted to do something tonight or this afternoon even. He glanced over at the clock to see what time it was. 11:30am. He then went to his coat pocket, grabbed his cell phone, and dialed her up.

  “Hello?” a gentle female voice answered after several rings.

  “Holly?”

  “Yes?”

  “Hi, it’s Allen. We met yesterday at the job fair?”

  “Oh, yes. I remember you” Holly said, sounding pleasantly surprised “How are you?”

  “I’m good. And you?”

  “Good. Even better, now that you’ve called.”

  “Do you have any plans for tonight?”

  “Not really.”

  “How about we do a movie and dinner tonight?”

  “Sounds great.”

  “Do you know the Black Poet’s Café?”

  “Yeah, I’ve been there before. I love that place.”

  “Let’s meet there at 7:00pm.”

  “O.K. What are we going to see afterwards?”

  “Why don’t you choose? You can surprise me.”

  “Great. So I’ll see you then.”

  “Can’t wait.”

  Just as Allen ended the call there was a knock at the door. He knew it would be his mother, and he dreaded what was next.

  “Come in”, he said. He just wanted to get it over with.

  “Did you forget that I wanted to talk with you?” She had a breakfast tray with all of Allen’s favorite foods: bacon, eggs, hash browns and fresh coffee. It was just as Allen had suspected.

  “No. I just got in late last night and overslept, that’s all.”

  “Uh-huh. Who was that on the phone?” she asked suspiciously, as she sat the tray next to him on the bed. Allen knew she had probably been listening at the door for some time before she knocked.

  “I just called someone I met yesterday for a date tonight” Allen said putting the phone away. “What’s all this for?”

  “For you.”

  “Why?” Allen asked suspiciously.

  “Because it’s almost noon and you haven’t had breakfast yet.”

  Allen gave Lena a look that said, ‘now tell me the real reason.’ “Are you sure it doesn’t have something to do with the ‘talk’ we’re about to have?”

  “Now that you’ve mentioned it…I was praying to God about your situation, and he put it on my heart to speak with my friend Ms. Bea yesterday, you know the lady from our church whose husband works for that hotel over on 7th.”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, she said her husband could get you a job in facilities.”

  “A janitor? Are you kidding me?”

  “It’s a job Allen! And besides, I thought you were ready to take anything to help out around here.”

  “I am but…what if I hear from one of the employers at the job fair?”

  “We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. Right now you got a job, no strings attached.”

  Allen shook his head and stared down at the food on the plate.

  “The hours will be flexible, so you can still go on interviews if you want, or go to school or anything else. At least you will have some money in your pocket until you get something better. And it’s a sure thing”, continued Lena trying to convince him.

  Allen let go of an exasperated sigh.

  “All you have to do is go down there on Monday, and ask for Mrs. Bea’s husband, Mr. Hardy. He’s the head of maintenance.”

  Lena pulled Allen by the chin until his eyes met hers. “Allen, promise me that you’ll go. Don’t let me have gone through this all for nothing. Please?”
br />   There was little else he could do once his mother put things in perspective for him.

  “Okay, I’ll go. I won’t like it, but I’ll go.”

  “Thank you”, she said reaching out to him for an embrace.

  “I guess I should be thanking you.”

  “And let’s look on the bright side. Maybe God is putting you here for a reason. Maybe there is something he wants to teach you before he puts you up higher. Like what happened to Joseph. Before he became the Head of Egypt, he started out as a slave.”1

  “I know, I know.”

  “I know you learned about Joseph in Sunday school when you were a boy. What I’m not sure of is whether or not you learned the significance of what happened in his life as it pertains to you as a Christian.”

  “I’m not sure I know what you’re talking about mom.”

  “If you don’t, then I don’t think I did a very good job as a mother.”

  “C’mon, you’re a great mom by any standard.”

  “Maybe I was good at providing for you physically and materially, but I don’t think I did enough for you spiritually. I thought that leading by example was enough. I should have taken the time to teach you more.”

  “Like what?”

  “Like how to develop a relationship with God for yourself.”

  “You and Tamiko keep talking about this personal relationship with God. How in the world can anyone have such a thing? How can you have a relationship with someone you can’t see, or touch, or hear?”

  “You’re thinking about the physical. Spiritually, we can hear Him, and see Him and feel Him. But you have to seek Him. By reading the Bible, taking time to meditate on his word, praying and fasting.”

  “I’ve read the Bible. I’ve probably read it twice over. And when I pray, it just seems like I’m talking to the wind.”

  “That’s because when you were doing those things when you were younger, they were just empty rituals for you. You just repeated what your daddy and I told you. You read what they told you to in Sunday school. But believe me, when you are ready to seek God for yourself, when you are ready to have a relationship with Him, and you want Him with your whole heart, He will open those scriptures to you and you will see new things and gain a whole new understanding that will change the way you view and live your life. When you pray, you will not just be uttering words, but praying with your spirit and you will feel his presence. Trust me Allen, I know.”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Just try Allen. You’ve tried everything else, what would it hurt to try God? You’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain.”

  “And how do I do that?”

  “Just read your Bible. You don’t have to read a whole book. Read as the Lord leads you. Then when you finish, just meditate on it. Think on it. Then I want you to pray. Just do those two things every day for a week, and then you let me know what happens. Can you do that Allen?”

  “Yeah, I guess.”

  “And another thing. Instead of thinking about what you don’t have, I want you to think about all the good things God has already done for you. I know I can count 50 ways right off the top of my head without even trying.”

  “Alright. I’ll try.”

  “And one last thing.”

  “There’s always one last thing. And what might that be?”

  “Don’t stay out late on that date tonight. Remember, you got church tomorrow at 11:00am sharp! As long as you live under this roof, you will go to church! Is that clear!”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “So no funny business on that ‘date’! You understand me? I expect you back in this house at a reasonable hour.”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  His mother left and slammed the door behind her. It was almost as if she could read his mind. There went his hot date. He’d still go, but he knew his mother’s words would haunt him and there was no way he was going to achieve what he intended. He finished his breakfast and looked at the clock. It was only 12:45pm. He had the rest of the afternoon to himself, and didn’t really have much of anything to do. So he decided to do what his mother suggested. He didn’t know if it would help, but like his mother said, it couldn’t hurt.

  Allen moved the tray to the floor on the other side of his bed. Then he went to his desk and looked through his drawers. Then he looked in his closet. He always had to go on a scouting mission for his bible every week before church. This time he found it in one of the bookcases next to his nightstand. Allen flipped through a few of the pages until he got to the book of Samuel. Seemed as good a place as any to start with. Then he lay back down on his bed and randomly started from the 13th chapter and read on. As Allen was reading, he noticed that he and Saul were quite alike. They were both men of action. When Samuel tarried and didn’t get there in time for the sacrifice, Saul offered his own. Allen thought that was something like what he would have done. But then Samuel was not pleased. God was not pleased. But how could Saul have done anything else? The people were scattered from him and the Philistines were ready to destroy all of Israel. In the business world, Saul would have been commended for his forward thinking and ingenuity. How could God get mad at him?2

  Allen read the chapter again, but he still didn’t understand. Then it became clearer to him as he went over the verse where it read “I forced myself”.3 He thought about what his mother had said. Maybe God wasn’t pleased with the sacrifice because it was just an empty ritual. Saul was just doing it so that he could prevail over the Philistines. God obviously wanted Saul to wait, but he was too busy looking at his circumstances. But why did God want Saul to wait? Wouldn’t the Philistines have killed everybody?

  He still didn’t understand it all very well. So Allen took the time to say a quick prayer to God. “Lord, God if you love me, help me to understand Your Word. You said that if we draw nigh unto You, that You would draw near to us.4 As I come to You, help me to understand your Word. Speak to my heart and help me to understand what my mom and Tamiko are talking about. Let me understand what it means to have a relationship with you.”

  As Allen finished his prayer, he waited for a moment. It was as if he was waiting to hear some voice from the great beyond speak to him, however, he didn’t hear anything. So he got up and put his bible on the nightstand by his bed. “So much for that”, he thought to himself. Then he reminded himself that he had only started on his journey in seeking God. Allen would try what his mother said. He would read his bible and pray every day for a week. But if nothing happened, he’d let it go.

  Allen decided to shower and prepare for his date. He grabbed some of his toiletries from his dresser, and his robe and headed down the hall toward the bathroom. He stopped briefly at the linen closet to pick up a clean towel before entering the bathroom. When he was inside, he turned on the shower and let the water run. Then he looked at himself in the mirror. “Maybe I should see if I can get a touch up at the barber” he considered to himself. Then he quickly brushed his teeth. His mother would kill him for the waste of water, but he had to let the water in the shower run for a few minutes so it would be hot enough. The plumbing in the brownstone needed some serious tending to.

  After brushing his teeth, Allen hopped into the shower and let the spray run all over him. As he stood there he began to think about the real blessings of his life. He had two parents who were still together after 25 years when most of his friends’ parents were single or divorced. Allen had pretty much an idyllic childhood, full of supportive adults that were always there for him. He thought about his friend Jim, who had lost both of his parents. First, his father, a New York City Police Officer, was killed in the line of duty trying to stop a robbery. Then, two years ago, he lost his mother to cancer. Allen’s parents had filled in the void at times, like during Christmas and Thanksgiving. Other than that, Jim had no family for support. Allen didn’t know if he could cope with that type of loss, and was amazed at his friend’s strength. Then he thought about Tim whose situation was just bizarre. It was
like what he had read about in history books about slavery. Rich white man with a wife and family in the big house, meanwhile he secretly has a mistress and a son in the slave quarters. Although in Tim’s case, they were very luxurious slave quarters. Tim rarely talked about how he felt about the situation. He was just grateful that he had a dad who was involved in his life, even if it was just marginally. At the very least, Tim’s dad provided for Tim and his sister financially and made sure they were comfortable. But there were times when Allen could see the strain of family issues take their toll on Tim. Like the time when Tim talked about how his dad was coming to visit him on the campus. Allen was actually more excited about seeing him than Tim. Then when they day came, Tim’s dad bailed. Tim said that some business issue came up. Tim tried to pretend like he didn’t care, but Allen could see that his friend was hurt. It made Allen wonder just how many promises Tim’s dad had broken over the course of his son’s life. Callie and Richard had strong mothers, but neither of them even knew who their dads were. And they were both at odds with their moms who seemed to choose the different boyfriends in their lives over them. When he thought about his friends, Allen felt very blessed. If he hadn’t had the parents God blessed him with, the road to Harvard would have been a lot harder. Maybe God did like him.

  Allen also thought about what his mom told him about himself when he was a baby. Everyone in his family talked about how he was the “miracle baby”. When he was born, he only weighed about 2 ½ pounds because he was nearly 8 weeks premature. He remember how his mom had told him that all the doctors said that such children tended to develop learning disabilities when they reached school age. His mother had seen such children and had even taught them. The fact that Allen was slow to develop certain motor skills early on seemed to foreshadow the inevitability that when he was five, he would be taking the short bus to school. But no matter what anyone said, his mother had faith that Allen would be okay. He remembered her recounting the story to Mother Rose once. He remembered her saying that she always knew her son was destined for great things. She had faith that if God had allowed him to be conceived and to be born, then he would be okay, and one day God would use him for His purpose. She had faith in God. She believed God.

  Allen finished his shower and turned off the water. He dried himself with his towel and put on his robe. That’s when he heard it. “Do you believe? Do you have faith?” That was a good question. What did he believe? He knew there was a God. He knew about Jesus, or at least what he learned in Sunday school as a child. But what did he truly believe about them? He never truly understood the relationship between God and Jesus. Did he truly have faith? What was faith? Was it the belief that God exists, or was there more to it than that?

  Allen deliberated on these questions as he walked back down the hall to his room. He had to sit on his bed and pause for a moment. His mother believed that he would not be disabled. She believed in spite of what the doctors said, in spite of what she experienced with other children, even in spite of the fact that her child wasn’t talking and walking on time. Even when things were at their worst, she still believed. She believed in the power of God. Then it came to him. Maybe that’s what Saul was missing. He didn’t have faith. He didn’t believe that God would come through, so when he made his sacrifice, it was empty and meaningless or “forced”. Maybe Saul thought that the power was in his own actions and/or the sacrifice rather than God (activated by his faith). “Are You trying to say I’m like Saul?” That couldn’t be. Allen never doubted that he could get a great job in the finance industry. When he graduated from school he knew he was smart enough, and skilled enough to land a job. He had confidence in his abilities.

  “That’s just it. You had confidence in your abilities, what you could do. Now you need to trust Me.”

  “But what do I do next?”

  “Just trust Me.”

  “How do I do that?”

  Allen waited, but he didn’t hear anything after that. It was as if someone was speaking to his spirit. And then all of a sudden, just as quickly as it had begun, it had ended. “Wait a minute”, he thought to himself. “Was God just speaking with me? Maybe. Maybe not.”

  Twenty-Two