Thousand Words

  I had been shaking when I pushed open the door, unsure of what to expect. I’d seen Kaleb’s pickup truck in the parking lot, and something about knowing he was right here in the same building I was about to be in made me extraordinarily nervous. I was going to see him for the first time since we broke up, and I didn’t know what that would mean. Would I miss him? Get that old butterfly feeling in my stomach again? Cry? God, please tell me I wouldn’t cry.

  Tina walked up to the front desk and waited for the receptionist—a svelte lady with perfectly straight brown hair and glossy lips—to slide open the glass that separated her from the waiting room.

  The last time I’d spent any time with Tina was during my court date. I’d been so scared, I’d just stared at the stains in the industrial carpeting of the courtroom, which was nothing like any courtroom I’d ever seen on TV. It was more like the meeting room in Central Office. A long conference table surrounded by ten or so swiveling office chairs. The judge wore jeans under his robe and spoke in a tired, lazy drawl.

  The other seats had been occupied by the attorneys. An attorney from the DA’s office, who wore a beige suit and carried an expensive-looking briefcase, sat next to a much younger woman in an overwhelming navy wool suit. She subtly nodded every time he spoke and handed him documents at precisely the right moment.

  Tina, who my parents had hired right after our first meeting with the police, sat next to me. She looked unkempt compared to the other lawyers, hobbling in on a pair of low heels, a skinny woman with incredibly frizzy hair and a great, scowling mouth.

  I had sat quivering in my chair as the attorneys and the judge went through the timeline of events that had led me there—me sending the photo while drunk at a party, the breakup, and the events that unfolded after the breakup. Tina pointed out that I was, technically, a victim of what had happened, not a perpetrator.

  “We’re not out to add insult to injury, Your Honor,” the beige-suited attorney had responded. “We’re sympathetic to what has happened to Miss Maynard, and we agree that she is also a victim. But we need to set a precedent. Sending nude photos of minors is distribution of child pornography, and we feel the need to make a statement to teens if we’re going to help stop this behavior.”

  The judge had nodded, said a few technical things to Tina and the others, and then looked at me.

  “Miss Maynard, it seems you’ve learned a hard lesson here.”

  I nodded. “Yes, sir.”

  He paused, thought, then issued the order for community service.

  And it was over.

  Mom had held my hand as we left the courtroom. Dad had led us through the lobby. I followed behind, hearing my parents and Tina say words like “lucky” and “good judge” and “went easy,” and I saw my dad shake Tina’s hand and thank her, and I felt like I was supposed to be thanking her, too, and be grateful for what had happened in there, but I couldn’t. I’d watched her walk away, her wiry hair bobbing through the crowd, and hoped that I would never have a reason to see her again.

  But here I was, in yet another lawyer’s office, staring at the back of her frizzy head as she stood expectantly before the receptionist’s window.

  “Here to see Mr. Frank?” the receptionist whispered when she opened the glass.

  Tina nodded. “Yes. Ashleigh Maynard?” She said my name like it was a question, like she wasn’t sure if I was supposed to be here or not. Honestly, I felt like I wasn’t. Had she said, “You know, we’ve made a mistake. We’re not here to see Mr. Frank,” I would have gladly gotten up and raced back outside. Forget Kaleb’s apology—I didn’t need it after all.

  A few minutes later, a door opened and a man in a tidy suit stepped into the waiting room. He nodded to Tina and then held out his hand to Mom. “Mrs. Maynard? I’m Byron Frank, Kaleb’s attorney.”

  Mom stood and shook his hand, though she looked like she didn’t really want to. She pushed her purse strap farther up on her shoulder and took a few confident steps toward the door. “You can call me Dana. And this is Ashleigh.”

  Mr. Frank nodded at me and then looked away, as if I didn’t exist. It occurred to me that maybe he’d seen the photo, and the thought made me feel every bit as uncomfortable as he seemed to be. It was one thing to think about the boys at school having seen me naked; it was another thing altogether to think about grown men who might have seen it. I pushed the thought away, too nervous to worry about that for now. I didn’t need any more to worry about.

  Mr. Frank turned so his back was propping the door open and held one arm out to invite us inside.

  “Kaleb’s waiting for us in the conference room. Would you like something to drink?”

  Mom and I shook our heads and followed Tina through the door. The interior of the office was as fancy as the lobby. There was even a chandelier hanging in the hallway, throwing light around in geometric shapes on the walls. No wonder the receptionist whispered. If I’d worked in a place so fancy, so stuffy, I’d have felt like whispering, too. Or maybe I’d have the uncontrollable urge to make a really loud noise, do a cartwheel, whoop and holler, if for no other reason than to make sure I was alive.

  Tina and Mr. Frank strode forward, letting the door close and leading us down the hallway. They talked to each other quietly, and we couldn’t hear what they were saying. Finally, Mr. Frank glanced over his shoulder at Mom and me. “Thank you for coming,” he said. “This is important for Kaleb.”

  “Why?” I asked, and I realized it came out kind of snotty and disbelieving, but I really was curious. “I mean, what made him decide to do this?” I said a little more softly.

  Mr. Frank slowed down. “He feels a lot of remorse over what happened,” he said. “He wants you, and the court, to understand that.”

  “Oh,” I said, even though I wasn’t so sure I believed that Kaleb felt all that much remorse. He hadn’t seemed so remorseful the last time we’d talked. I did, however, believe that he wanted the court to understand how remorseful he was. I would, too, if I were looking at the kind of trouble Kaleb was in.

  No matter what Mr. Frank said, I knew why Kaleb was giving me this apology. He wasn’t giving it because he really felt sorry. He was giving it because someone had told him to. Because he was hoping it would help him out. He hadn’t had his court date yet—the fact that he was an adult made his situation a whole lot stickier than mine—and according to my dad, it wasn’t likely that he was going to get off with community service, as I had. Maybe apologizing to me and my family would help the judge see him favorably. That wasn’t really an apology, was it? He wasn’t really sorry. He was only sorry for the kind of trouble he was in now.

  We reached a room that was all windows, covered with closed Venetian blinds. Mr. Frank paused, resting his hand on the doorknob. “I’m hoping you’ll have an open mind with my client,” he said, and I wasn’t sure if he was addressing me or Mom or Tina or all of us.

  “Of course,” Tina said, her hair shivering every time her mouth opened. “I hope he’ll have an open mind, too.”

  Mr. Frank gave a half-nod, then opened the door and gestured for us to go in.

  Tina turned to me. “You ready?” she asked, and attempted a sympathetic smile, though it looked so uncomfortable on her, I guessed she wasn’t used to making gentle overtures. I nodded, and Mom reached over and squeezed my hand.

  Kaleb sat at the far end of the long table, a soda and a piece of paper in front of him. I paused, waiting for something to happen. For my heartbeat to speed up or my throat to constrict or my belly to wobble or rage to well up in me or… anything.

  But he appeared so small. And skinny, very skinny. He had definitely lost weight since I’d last seen him. And he had dark circles under his eyes. He barely resembled the Kaleb I’d once kissed. He looked a lot older, and like he was sick. All I could feel was shock that this was my ex-boyfriend.

  He watched us as we walked in, but he made no move. His hands remained in his lap, his paper and soda remained untouched. He showed no emotion on his
face. And I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. Even though I knew there were three other people in the room, it was as if my gaze had simply zoned in on him and we were the only two there.

  Mr. Frank came in and shut the door behind him, moving briskly to a chair at Kaleb’s side and folding his hands on the table.

  “You sure I can’t get you anything?” Mr. Frank asked Mom and me, and again we mumbled “no.” “Okay, well, we don’t want to drag this out,” he said. “Mr. Coats feels that he should apologize to you for his part in what happened, and he has prepared a statement to that effect. Kaleb?”

  His part in what happened, I thought sourly. His part was every part of what happened. Without his part, nothing would have happened.

  Kaleb gazed at his attorney and then slowly, slowly picked up his paper. It wiggled in the air and I knew his hands were shaking. I found a tiny bit of joy in that. He cleared his throat.

  “Ashleigh and Mr. and Mrs. Maynard,” he said. He paused, made eye contact, looked back down. “I mean, I guess just… uh, Mrs. Maynard. The past few months have not been easy for me, as I am sure they have not been for you, either. I have had a lot of time to think about what I did, and it has come to my attention that I owe you all an apology. Mrs. Maynard, I am sorry that I have brought embarrassment to your family. I realize that my actions have caused you hardship in your professional life as well as your personal life, and I am very sorry.” He paused and made eye contact again, and I was surprised to see Mom nod at him, not unkindly.

  “Thank you,” she said quietly. She didn’t add that his apology was accepted, and I knew that with Mom that was purposeful—that his apology wasn’t accepted, because a few rehearsed sentences weren’t good enough. Not for what he’d done to our family. Not for what he’d done to my dad’s job.

  Kaleb shifted his eyes to me, and for the first time I did feel something. Something—I don’t know—nostalgic. A longing for what once was. I realized how much I had really grown to hate him, and how much I wished I hadn’t had to. But I knew I’d never have him back. I’d never have us back, not the way we used to be. It wouldn’t be possible after everything that had happened. I wanted to have that innocence back—the kind of innocence where I would never believe that a boy I loved would hurt me.

  He cleared his throat again, adjusted the paper in his hands. “Ashleigh, I know I’ve caused you a lot of pain. I have violated your trust and your sense of privacy, and I am sorry. I am also sorry for all of the things that you’ve had to go through. I’m sorry that people have been saying things about you and that you have to do community service, because you never meant to hurt me with that photo, but I meant to hurt you with it, and that was wrong.”

  I didn’t say anything. When he finally looked up, I sat there woodenly, even though I could feel Mom’s and Mr. Frank’s heads turn toward me. Hearing Kaleb speak made me feel numb and heavy, and I wasn’t big enough to thank him for the apology, or worse, to tell him it was okay.

  “I hope you can forgive me,” he said with finality, and then he set the paper down on the table and placed his hands back in his lap.

  We all sat there in uncomfortable silence for a few long minutes. I knew everyone was expecting me to say something, but I couldn’t do it. That was it? I wanted to shout. You said nothing! You apologized for nothing! A bunch of vague words that your attorney probably wrote for you!

  I wanted out. I wanted to leave. To get away from this sunken boy and stop hearing him talk about it. I wanted to be done with the whole mess. To have things go back to normal. To go back to a place where I could walk down a hall without people whispering about me. To go back to when my parents trusted me and we were close. To go back to knowing exactly who my friends were, and who would betray me. I needed that more than I needed apologies. How could I ever have thought that Kaleb’s apology would be enough? Even if it had been a sincere one?

  “Okay,” Tina finally said. “Thank you.”

  She and Mr. Frank talked about Kaleb’s upcoming court date, but I didn’t hear what they were saying. The emotions and thoughts and feelings of injustice that had been building up inside me since this whole thing began crashed together. I felt like I was being swept away, moved by them, swayed by them. Every time I looked down, there were my hands, resting comfortably on the table in front of me. There were my legs, stretched across the burgundy leather of the conference room chair. There was my mom, looking subtly angry and disappointed and sad. How could we all look so calm and in control?

  “We appreciate you coming,” Mr. Frank said, pushing his chair away from the table and starting to stand up, checking his watch as if this meeting was just another line in his schedule book. He probably had to move on to bigger and better clients, bigger and better cases. This was our lives, but it was another to-do for him. And all the while my thoughts and emotions consumed me, needed to be let out.

  “I didn’t do anything to hurt you,” I blurted out, and Mr. Frank lowered himself back into his seat. He looked at Kaleb. “After we broke up, I left you alone. I let you go. Why did you do it, Kaleb?”

  Kaleb looked down into his lap, shaking his head slowly. “I don’t know.” He looked up at me, and I could see pain in his eyes. “But just so you know, I didn’t think it would all get so out of hand. I had no idea it would turn into all this. I thought it would just stay with a few people.”

  “So your goal was only to completely humiliate me a little bit? Gosh, thanks, I feel so much better now.”

  “No, my goal was to… I don’t know.” He rubbed his hands over his hair. “I was pissed off, and it wasn’t smart or right. It just happened. And I’m sorry that I did it.”

  “Sorry that you did it or sorry that you got in trouble for it?” Because I was willing to bet he wouldn’t have been sorry at all if he’d never gotten caught. “What exactly are you sorry about, Kaleb?”

  “Ms. Culver,” Mr. Frank said to Tina, “our intention was not to give your client a platform to attack Mr. Coats. We’re here for an apology.”

  Tina’s giant mouth flopped open. “N-no, of course not,” she stammered. “But, understandably, my client has some thoughts she wants to express—”

  “I think the least he can do is answer some questions for my daughter, don’t you?” Mom said, interrupting Tina. She placed her hand on the back of my chair.

  Mr. Frank held out his hand to Mom but spoke to Tina. “Now, I understand that Miss Maynard was hurt by this unfortunate mistake. But you need to understand that Mr. Coats has been hurt by it as well. Maybe more than she has.”

  “And you need to understand that this was no mistake,” Mom said, her voice ratcheting up a notch. “You heard him say he deliberately did what he did. That doesn’t sound like any sort of accident to me.”

  Mr. Frank’s hand hovered over the table, and I could almost see him kick himself into lawyer mode. His face got very serious and his body language changed. He sat forward, his palm spread toward Mom as if he were trying to physically hold her down. Tina must have sensed something, too. She stood up and gathered her things as if to usher me out quickly. “It was a mistake in judgment. He has admitted as much. But, again, we’re not here for—”

  “It’s okay,” Kaleb interrupted. He took a deep, shuddering breath. “I’ll answer her.” He turned to me. “What I’m sorry about is that I didn’t break up with you the day before I turned eighteen,” he said. “And I don’t mean that in a mean way or anything. It’s just that if I’d broken up with you then, I wouldn’t be in…” He trailed off, shook his head, paused. I could see moisture glistening under his eyes. I almost felt dizzy with surprise; here I’d been worried that I might cry in front of Kaleb, and he was the one crying in front of me instead. “I wouldn’t be in this mess,” he finally said, and I could see his Adam’s apple moving up and down as he swallowed away his tears. “They’re calling that picture child pornography. If I get charged, I could have to register as a sex offender. I want to be a teacher, Ashleigh, and sex offenders don??
?t get to be teachers. I’ll have to move out of my parents’ house, because they live down the street from my old elementary school. People will naturally assume that I’m some sick pervert, and you know that’s not true. We never even had sex. I never even asked you to. I never asked you to send that picture in the first place. So I’m sorry that I didn’t break up with you sooner, and if I could take back everything that’s happened, trust me, I would.”

  Mr. Frank had lowered his hand into his lap and had taken up a cocky, crossed-legged pose. He checked his watch again. “If we’re satisfied…?”

  “Ashleigh?” Tina said. “Do you have anything else you’d like to say?”

  I shook my head. What was there left to say? We were both screwed, and all because of some dumb, childish payback game.

  Mom stood, shouldered her purse. “Well, I’m sorry for all you’ve gone through, Kaleb,” she said. “But you chose to do what you did. My husband, on the other hand, is probably going to lose his job over something he had nothing to do with. You chose that for him.”

  “Dana…” Tina said in a soft warning voice.

  Mr. Frank stood, too, and hitched the waistband of his pants. “I’m going to have to stop you there, Mrs. Maynard, because that’s not what we’re here for today and Mr. Coats and I have another appointment, so we’ll need to adjourn this meeting.” So much for the congenial host Mr. Frank had been when we’d arrived. Our time was up and we needed to leave—he’d made that crystal clear.

  “Yes, I think we’re done here,” Mom said. “We can find our way out.” She headed for the door. I followed behind, glancing back at Kaleb one last time. He was staring down at the rumpled paper on the table, rubbing his gaunt cheeks with his hand. He looked up and our eyes met before I very quickly looked away, concentrating on the back of Tina’s head as we walked out.

  I’d finally told Kaleb exactly how I felt. Problem was, I didn’t feel any better at all than I had when I walked into the room. I might even have felt worse.