Lila: An Inquiry Into Morals

  Is it better to have wisdom or is it better to be attractive to the ladies? That was a question debated by Provengal poets way back in the thirteenth century. Sidis opted for wisdom, but it seemed to Phædrus there ought to be some way you could have both.

  The question seemed to imply the stupidity of women but a feminist could turn it around and ask, Is it better to have wisdom or be attractive to men! That’s practically the theme song of the whole feminist movement. Although the feminists and the male Provengal poets would appear to be condemning the opposite sex, they are, in fact, both actually condemning the same thing: not men, not women, but static biological antagonism to social and intellectual Quality.

  Phædrus began to feel a slow rock of the boat.

  His own cells were sick of all this intellectualizing. They’d had enough for one day. They’d had way too much, in fact, and were starting to switch him off. Tomorrow they’d need him when they got hungry, and they would turn him on again to find them some food, but for now they were rubbing him out. He felt like Hal, the computer in 2001, as its internal patterns slowed down. Daisy… Daisy… give me your… answer… true.

  Lila, Lila, what is your answer true?

  What a strange, strange day this had been.

  Phædrus became aware again of Lila’s body next to him, and again the gentle rocking of the boat. That was the only good thing that had happened all day, the way their bodies paid no attention to all their social and intellectual differences and had gone on in as if these people that owned them didn’t exist at all. They had been at this business of life for so long.

  Now that he was quiet he noticed that the boat’s motion wasn’t so much a rocking as a surge, a very faint, very slow, lift and drop accompanying the waves. He wondered if that could be a surge coming in from the ocean. Probably not, he thought. They were still way too far up river from the ocean. Still it could be, he thought. If the tides get up to Troy maybe the surge could get this far.

  It could be…

  He waited for each next faint lift and fall to come, thinking about it, and then after a while didn’t think any more.

  Part Two

  16

  Fatso thought that was pretty funny the way Lila come in. He said she come in like the Queen of Diamonds and wished to know where Mr Jamison could be found. Fatso can imitate anybody, perfect.

  Fatso said he didn’t tell her nothing but he just listened. She said she’s on her way to Florida for the season. She was on a yacht with a gentleman and she wished to stop by and renew old acquaintances.

  When Fatso said that Jamie broke up laughing.

  If she’s with a gentleman what does she want to see me for? Jamie said.

  I guess she misses you.

  She wants something.

  One way to find out, Fatso said.

  So the next day they went to where she told Fatso she would be. She wasn’t there so they sat down. Then she come in the door. Sad. She was really looking old. She used to be a real looker. Getting fat too. Drinking too much beer. She always did like her beer. She better take care of herself. Lila saw them and come over to the table where they was sitting. Jamie got up and opened up his arms for a big hug. He said, You really came all the way here just to see me? That’s too much. Too much!

  Then he saw the man coming in behind her was with her. He caught one look in that man’s eyes and his muscles went tight… He hugged Lila but he watched that man. His hair was all white… like snow, and his eyes was cold real cold… Like looking in a refrigerator… at the morgue… Bad vibes all over him… All the time he was holding Lila that man was watching them…

  What the hell’d she bring him here for? Fatso didn’t say nothing about that. He told her a hundred times not to bring the clientele around. That was the rule. What was the trouble now?

  The man put out his hand to shake.

  Jamie shook it.

  He put out his for Fatso to shake.

  Fatso shook it.

  This is the Captain, Lila says.

  Pleased to meet you, Cap’n, Jamie says.

  The Cap’n looks like he wants to sit down.

  He sits down.

  The Captain is full of smiles like he’s the nicest man ever lived. Nobody fooled. He wants to buy drinks for everybody. Everybody drinking. Everybody smiling. Everybody just sits around and talks nice now till their teeth drop out, if that’s what they want. But that isn’t what they want.

  Jamie had nothing to tell. They all looked at him like he was supposed to say something but he didn’t.

  Fatso started asking questions then. He asked the Captain where he was from and where they’re going and all about that. He asked about what kind of boat they had and how big it was and how fast it went. Jamie never heard Fatso ask so many questions.

  The Captain just sat there with the cold eyes and answered everything just exactly right. Like some kind of detective, maybe. Watch out, Fats, don’t tell him nothing, Jamie thought.

  Lila kept looking over like she wanted Jamie to do some talking. Then she said, What are you doing these days, Jamison?

  Jamison!?? She never called him that before. What kind of air was that? He thought about it. Then he said, I don’t know, Mizz Lila. He said it that way to mock her a little. Not much of anything, I guess. He made it sound like he just up from Alabama.

  Nothing at all?

  No ma’am. Every year I’se just a little lazier. Don’t want to do nothing I don’t have to. All wore out with things I don’t have to do.

  He watched the Captain when he said this. The Captain just smiled. That made Jamie feel better. If he was a detective he gonna know what that’s about.

  We have an opportunity for you, Lila said, which we hope might interest you.

  Oh, you do? Jamie said. Let’s hear it.

  Lila looked at him funny like she saw how it was going. She said, The Captain has been advised that he needs another crew member for his ocean voyage and we have been hoping that you might consider an offer. I’ve told him you are an excellent person, she said.

  Jamie caught her wink. He smiled a little. Then he had to laugh.

  What are you laughing at? Lila said.

  You sure haven’t changed. Crazy Lila! Always thinking something crazy. That’s why you came all the way here just to talk to me? Just for that?

  Yes, she said, and looked at him. She turned her mouth down like he busted every nice feeling she ever had. What’s wrong with that?

  Oh, Lila, he said. You sure come a long way.

  He looked at both of them for a while. He wondered what kind of place they come from that they could come here and talk to him like that.

  He said, You mean you and the Captain here want to sit on your luxury yacht, sippin’ Juleps and watchin’ the sunset go down, while I stand there and say "Yessah, yessah"?

  Not like that, Lila said.

  What the hell do you think I am? Jamie said. It really made him mad, coming all the way down here just to hear this. And they thought they were being nice to him.

  He turned to the Captain. Is that all you came here for? To find yourself a cheap nigger to work on your boat?

  The Captain looked like he never heard it. Like what he said to him just bounced off some stone wall. It’s not my idea, he said.

  Then what did you come here for?

  I don’t know, the Captain said. That’s what I was trying to find out.

  The Captain got up. I’ve got an appointment now. He picked up his coat. I’ll take care of the bill on the way out, he said. He looked at Lila real pissed. See you later, he said. Then he went.

  Lila looked scared.

  What the hell you up to, Lila? Jamie said.

  You said you weren’t doing anything, she said. Why did you put him down like that? He didn’t do anything to you.

  You know what he’s thinking, Jamie said.

  You don’t know anything about him, Lila said. He’s just a nice man and a real gentleman.

  Well, if you’re maki
ng it with this nice gentleman, what are you bringing him here for? If you’re making it with this nice old cracker you better keep right on making it with him, Lila, because you sure ain’t making it anywhere else.

  I was just trying to do you a favor, Lila said.

  What kind of favor is that?

  Well, think about it, Lila said. What do you think is going to happen if we go sailing down to Florida with him? Do you think he’s going to live forever?

  Jamie looked at Fatso to see if he heard what she was saying. Fats looked back at him the same way.

  You mean you want me to be there to help in case he accidentally happens to fall overboard, or something? Jamie asked.

  Yes.

  Jamie looked at Fatso again and then looked down. He shook his head and laughed. Then he thought about it some more.

  Then he looked up at her, Sometimes I think I’m bad, Lila, and then someone like you comes along and shows me how.

  They talked about old times. Millie’s gone. Nobody knows where. Mindy got married, he told her. It’s no good any more, he told her. You don’t know how bad it’s got.

  She didn’t listen. All she wanted to do was talk about Florida.

  After she left Fatso asked, How long did you know her?

  Long time, Jamie said. She used to be good. But she always talked back. That old fart she was with, that’s what she’s good for now. That’s her speed. With him. She walked out on me and I never did nothing to her. Now she should stay the hell away.

  I’m so tired of them, Jamie said. Long time ago I used to think they was everything. You know, all the money and the big cars and the big smiles and the big-looking clothes. You know? Padded shoulders. I thought that was really it. Then I got to see what really went on with them and why they have to have all that — that money and boats and furs and padded shoulders and everything.

  Why?

  Why? Because if they ever lose that big money they got nothing. Under all that big money there is nothing there! Nobody! Nobody home.

  I mean it, Jamie said. That’s what drives them people day and night. Trying to cover that up. What we know. They think they fool you. They ain’t foolin' nobody.

  They know we got something they haven’t got. And they come here and they going to try to take it away from us. But they can’t figure out what it is. It just drives them crazy. What is it we got they can’t get away from us?

  Fatso wondered how far the boat can go.

  Did you hear what she said? Fatso asked. That boat can go all the way to South America.

  Fatso said he heard about a man out on Long Island who buys boats, no questions.

  How much do you think that boat is worth? Fatso said.

  Sure would be nice to have a big boat like that, Fatso said. Go sailing down to Florida. Lots of nice stuff down there in Florida.

  All kinds of stuff, Fatso said. You know Belford? He goes down to Andrews Island down there and gets all kind of good news. Can make a lot of money that way. If you was on a boat you might put some of that good news where nobody can find it and when you come back take it off again. Nobody know the difference.

  Fatso smiled. And if they find it that nice friend of Lila might have to go to jail.

  Jamie didn’t say any more to Fatso. But he was thinking.

  17

  It was a long way to the hotel but Phædrus felt like walking it. After that blow-up with Lila he needed to walk. This city always made him feel like walking. In the past whenever he’d come here he’d always walked everywhere. Tomorrow he’d be gone.

  The skyscrapers rose up all around him now and the street was crowded with people and cars. About twenty or thirty blocks to go, he figured. But these were the short blocks going up and down the island, not the long blocks going across. He could feel himself speeding up.

  The New York eyes were everywhere now. Quick, guarded, emotionless. Watch out, they said. Concentrate! Things happen fast around here… Don’t miss those horn honks!

  This city! He would never get used to it. He always wanted to fill up with tranquilizers before he arrived. Some day he’d come here without being manic and overwhelmed, but that day hadn’t arrived. Always this wild crazy exhilarated feeling. Crowds, high speed, mental detachment.

  It was these crazy skyscrapers. The 3-D. Not just in front of you and in back of you and right of you and left of you — above you and below you too. Thousands of people hundreds of feet up in the air talking on telephones and staring into computers and conferring with each other, as though it were normal. If you call that normal you call anything normal.

  A light turned yellow. He hurried across… Drivers run you down and kill you here. That’s why you don’t take tranquilizers. Take tranquilizers and you just might get killed. This adrenalin is protection.

  At the curb he hoisted his canvas bag full of mail on his shoulder so he could carry it better, then continued. There must be twenty pounds of mail in it, he thought, all the mail since Cleveland. He could spend the rest of the day reading it in his hotel room. He was so full from that lunch with his editor he could skip supper and just read until his famous visitor showed up.

  The magazine interviews seemed to have gone well enough — predictable questions about what he was doing now (writing his next book); what his next book was about (Indians); and what changes had occurred since his first book was written. He knew what to tell them because he’d been a reporter himself once, but for some reason he didn’t tell them about the boat. That was something he didn’t want to share. He’d always heard celebrities led double lives. Here it was, happening… Junk in store windows… radios. Hand-calculators… A woman coming toward him hasn’t clicked yet, that quick New York dart-of-the-eyes, but she will… Here it comes… Click!… Then looks away… She passes by… Like the click of a candid-camera shutter…

  This was manic New York, now. Later would come depressive New York. Now everything’s exciting because it’s so different. As soon as the excitement wears off depression will come. It always does.

  Culture shock. People who live here all their lives don’t get that culture shock. They can’t go around being overwhelmed all the time. So to cope they seem to pick some small part of it all and try to be on top of that. But they miss something… Someone practicing the piano upstairs… Eee-oh-eee-oh… police wagon… White flowers, chrysanthemums, 70 dollars… Guy in the street on a skateboard, Korean-looking, headed for Leo Vito’s delicatessen. Transients, like himself, who are overwhelmed and get manic and depressive are maybe the ones who really understand the place, the only ones with the Zen shoshin, the beginner’s mind… There he goes… Lovers hand in hand. Not so young either… A pennant of some kind in a half-open window two stories up… Too far away to read. Will never know what it says.

  All these different patterns of people’s lives passing through each other without any contact at all… Smells… all different kinds of food odors… Cigars… Above the window with the pennant, a billboard for Marx Furs. Something angering… The model… High-fashion, high-class. I am so desirable, I am so unapproachable. But if you have the price (you cheap bastard), I am for sale. That price… Was it all for sale if you had that price?… Do women really act like that here?… Some, he supposed… it must sell furs. And jewelry and cosmetics… Ahh, it was just an advertising cliché. Those guys were for sale… More candid-camera eyes, some cynical. If he wasn’t up to something, why was he here?… It wore on you, that guilty-until-proven-innocent attitude. He didn’t want to prove anything to anyone. He was done with that.

  That was it. He didn’t want to prove anything. Not to Rigel, not to Lila, not to her friends… God, what a shock that was. If those were her friends he sure didn’t want to meet her enemies.

  He wondered what it was about himself that she couldn’t see when he was getting angry. Just now at the café she’d gone on for fifteen minutes about what great people they were and she never saw what was coming. She missed the whole point of everything. She’s after
Quality, like everybody else, but she defines it entirely in biological terms. She doesn’t see intellectual quality at all. It’s outside her range. She doesn’t even see social quality.

  That whole thing with her on the river was like Mae West and Sherlock Holmes. What a mismatch. Sherlock lowers his standards by having anything to do with Mae, but Mae is also lowering her standards by having anything to do with Sherlock. Sherlock is smart, all right, but that isn’t what interests Mae. These biological friends of Lila: that’s what she goes for… They can have her. She’d be off the boat tonight. If this last meeting at the hotel went as smoothly as the others he’d be out of here tomorrow and heading south… More eyes… They weren’t watching you so much as watching out for you. Survivors' eyes.

  He had to step off the sidewalk to get around a steel mesh fence in front of a huge hole that went down now where there used to be something. Cement trucks, at the bottom of the hole were pouring concrete. On the other side of the hole the adjacent building looked all scarred and damaged. Maybe that was coming down next. Always something going up. Always something coming down. Change and change, on and on. He had never come here when there wasn’t all this demolition and construction going on.

  Suddenly he was back into posh fabrics and clothing stores. Saying what this city is like is like saying what Europe is like. It depends on what neighborhood you’re in, what time of day, how depressed you are.