Lila: An Inquiry Into Morals

  She didn’t know this part of the city. If she’d ever been here before, she’d forgotten it. Or maybe it had changed so much she didn’t recognize it. Everything was always changing here. Except the big buildings.

  When she first came here she used to think there was somebody up in those big buildings who knows what’s going on here. They would never come down and talk to her. After a while she found out nobody knows what’s going on.

  Why wouldn’t Jamie even give her his address? He acted so different. Something was wrong. She didn’t like that friend of his. Maybe it was just the Captain being there.

  She had never been on this street before. There was something about it she didn’t like. It didn’t look dangerous, just grungy. Jamie always told her, Look around, and if you don’t see any women walking by themselves, watch out! But there was an old lady with a dog farther up the street… So, if the Captain was all done with her, that was nothing new… She was used to that. She’d find something… She always landed on her feet.

  A little shop had some bottles in the windows and dirt and junk. She always thought they were going to fix things up some day around here but nobody ever fixes anything. It just gets worse and worse.

  An old church had a padlock on the doors and a sign saying it was closed. The sign was all faded so it must have been closed for a long time. In a wooden box under the window all the plants were dead. It didn’t look like her grandfather’s church. Her grandfather’s church was bigger and it wasn’t in a dirty city like this.

  She’d get a room for a while, a few days maybe, and then look around. That sounded good. She didn’t want to go back on the street. It wasn’t worth it. Jamie said not to do it, and he knows. He said it was too dangerous. It isn’t like it used to be.

  She didn’t like this street.

  She could always get a job waitressing. She knew how to do that. Then after a while something better would turn up. If she tried to think that way it would make her feel better. But first she had to find some place to stay.

  She walked for block after block. She kept an eye out for room signs, but didn’t see any.

  She passed a big hole in the street with orange and white stands around it to keep people away. There was steam coming out of the hole. A man with a cement sack was staring at her. He wasn’t going to do anything. Just staring.

  She started to read the writing on all the other signs. Leave Fire Lane for Emergency Vehicles… Snow Route… No Standing During Emergency… Vehicles Towed, Moving $9.95 An Hour… Painting. Get Free Estimates. 10% off…

  Maybe the signs would tell her what was going on… Drugs Rally… They meant no drugs rally… Irving’s Pantry Deli… Greyer Butcher Block… Clothes Closet King… Audio breakthroughs… We Sell Kosher and Non-Kosher Foods… Natural Health Food store. 20% Off All Vitamins…

  Behind an iron fence was a tree with red-orange berries. She remembered a tree like that in her back yard. She used to pick the berries but they were never any good for anything. What’s it doing here? The big steel fence kept people from picking the berries. If she tried to go over there they’d throw her out. Some pigeons were there under the trees… The pigeons could be there but she couldn’t.

  Somebody got inside the iron fence and did spray paint all over the wall. She could never figure out what all that writing said. It looked like just names or something. But they write it so funny you can’t see what they’re trying to write. They never say Fuck You or anything. They just write these strange things like there’s something they know that nobody else knows… Driver… Electric Company… Keep Driveway Clear… One Way… They never tell you what you want they only tell you what they want…

  Some words in Hebrew on a wall. Napoli Pizza. Franklin Cleaners. Since 1973… Police Line. Do Not Cross Blue Lines. Police Department… A lot of barbed wire on the buildings. There didn’t used to be all that barbed wire on the buildings. There didn’t used to be all that barbed wire.

  There is a guy lying on the sidewalk. Some people are walking by him without looking at him…

  Personal Touch. Fine Laundering And Dry Cleaning. Hotels, Hospitals and Clubs… Athens Plumbing and Heating… Hilarious Non-Stop Laughter. I Couldn’t Stop Laughing — McGillicudy, New York Times. Winner Tony Award.

  Lots of plastic bags were lying around… One Way… They never tell you what you want they only tell you what they want…

  These shoes hurt. This street was getting worse. Sidewalks were coming apart here. They’re all broken and slanting so that if she didn’t watch out she’d turn an ankle. She could fall on all that broken glass. The glass was from an empty window where it looked like somebody had tried to break in.

  It was beginning to get cold.

  She should be doing something different than this. What was she doing here? Something was wrong that she should be living like this. She should be somewhere better.

  She crossed a street and when she looked down it, it looked like there was water down there. That must be the river, she thought.

  She decided to get a cab. She still had to get to the boat and get her suitcase off before it got dark. It was too far to walk. Already her legs felt worn out. She hadn’t walked this far in a long time. A cab would cost a lot but there wasn’t anything else to do. If only she hadn’t bought these dumb shirts.

  But when she came to a corner she saw a restaurant sign down across the street at the other end of the block. That looked really good. She could rest and get something to eat and call a cab from there.

  When she looked through the restaurant window she saw that the menu was expensive. The tables inside had cloths on them and cloth napkins.

  Oh, what the hell, she thought. It was time to celebrate something. Being through with the Captain, maybe.

  Inside it wasn’t crowded. A little old lady waitress was laying out napkins on the other side of the room. She saw Lila and gave her a little smile and came over slowly and showed her to a table by the window.

  At the table Lila sat down. It felt really good to sit down.

  The waitress asked her if she would care for anything to drink before eating.

  I’ll have a scotch and soda, Lila said. No, make that a Johnnie Walker Black and soda, she smiled. The waitress didn’t seem to have much expression. She went off to the bar.

  The street out the window looked like some of the streets in Rochester. It was old, without many people on it. In some dirt by the gutter under an old fire escape a cat walked slowly, looking for something. It pawed the dirt first to one side and then to the other. It couldn’t seem to find what it was looking for.

  Lila still had her old address book. She could call up some old friends and maybe they would invite her over and they could talk about things. She could call them up and maybe they would be able to tell her where she could find a good room. They might even let her stay with them for a while. You could never tell.

  She saw through the window that across the street the cat was gone.

  The trouble with seeing all her old friends again was that she didn’t want to. It didn’t feel good to think about it. She didn’t want to talk to any of them. She wanted to be done with all that. She didn’t want to talk to anybody.

  When the waitress came with the drink Lila gave her a big smile and a big thank you. The waitress smiled a little and then went away.

  Lila took a sip of her drink. Oh, did that ever taste good!

  She looked at the menu to see what to have to eat.

  She ought to just get something cheap. The trouble was she was really hungry. Those steaks really looked good. And French fries. With all the calories. She had better be careful. She didn’t want to get into that. She already had too much of that. But it sure sounded good, anyway. She remembered the French fries she made on the boat. Oh, why did she ever tell him anything? She could be making French fries all the way down to Florida if only she had kept her mouth shut.

  As she thought about this Lila saw a man’s face staring at her through the
window. It startled her for a second. But then she thought, what’s the matter, Lila, you getting scared of men?

  He wasn’t bad looking.

  She smiled at him…

  …He just looked at her. Then he looked away.

  Then he looked at her again.

  She winked to see what that would do.

  He smiled a little bit and then pretended he was reading the menu in the window. She stared down at her own menu but watched out of the corner of her eye.

  After a while he moved on. She waited to hear the door open, but it didn’t. He was gone.

  She wondered if she said something that made Jamie angry. He was so different this time. Something was wrong. Something had happened to him, and that was why he wouldn’t give his address. He was the kind who didn’t tell you. He didn’t want to hurt your feelings. That was the way he was.

  The Captain wouldn’t know anything about that. People like him never do. They just get it off and think they’ve done something big. That’s all they know how to do. That’s why they have to pay. You try to show them something and you just waste your time. They don’t know what you’re doing. The Captain never knew what she tried to do for him. That nerd never would. He probably wouldn’t even pay for the shirts.

  She had to stop thinking about him.

  The waitress came to take her order but Lila still hadn’t made up her mind. I guess I’m not ready yet, she said. She looked inside her glass. Why don’t you bring me another one of these?

  She didn’t want to get boozy, she still had a lot of things to do, but this really felt good. It would be a long time until the next one, she thought.

  She didn’t know what she would do next. It seemed like she’d done it all. She didn’t have as much strength any more, or something. She was tired.

  Out the window she could see the street was already starting to get old and gray and dark. She wondered where the cat went to that was prowling in the dirt across the street.

  She didn’t like the dark.

  In Rochester it was even darker, she thought.

  Maybe she could just go back to Rochester and get a regular job.

  She couldn’t go back. They all hated her there. That’s why they fired her. Because she told them the truth.

  Everybody wants to turn you into a servant. And when you won’t be a servant for them then you’re no good. Then you’re bad. No matter how hard you try to please them you’re still no good. You can never serve them enough. They’ve always got to have more. So it doesn’t matter; sooner or later they’re going to hate you no matter what you do.

  She shouldn’t have left the Karma. If she just hadn’t got mad at George she’d still be there. On her way to Florida now. In Florida it was lighter. Because it was South. She sure had some happy times there. She’d still get there, but now she’d have to get some money first.

  Maybe she could just go and tell the Captain she was sorry and he’d change his mind. She didn’t want to do that. Then she’d have to put up with his nerd talk all the way to Florida. She didn’t want to do that. Besides he already told her she had to get off his boat.

  She wondered what he did in New York. She wondered where he was going tonight. He sure didn’t want to take her with him. She didn’t care. She didn’t want to go with him. But she knew why. As soon as any of their wife’s friends are around they get rid of Lila.

  Anyway, it didn’t matter.

  What was it she wanted to do? It was something but she didn’t know what.

  There wasn’t anything she wanted to do. That was the trouble. She didn’t want to have anything more to do with people. She was tired of people. She just wanted to go off somewhere and be by herself and all alone.

  The waitress came again. Lila ordered another drink. That wasn’t good. Not on an empty stomach. Her stomach still hurt. She should have taken some Empirin earlier.

  Lila reached into her purse to get her Empirin. She couldn’t find them. That was funny. She knew they were right there. Her other pills weren’t there either! She felt around with her hand to find the round plastic bottle. She could always find it by its shape. It wasn’t there.

  She poked harder and harder through the lipstick and mirror and cigarettes and Kleenexes.

  She didn’t leave them in the boat because she took three this morning. She brought the purse up and looked inside. Then she looked in the other pocket of the purse. But they weren’t there.

  Then Lila suddenly knew that the billfold wasn’t inside the purse either. She looked up and felt frightened. Outside the window the street had become darker.

  She reached all through everything all over again, all her pockets, everywhere in her purse… but it was gone. It was really gone.

  That was all the money she had!

  Some other customers were coming in. They looked cold. Lila didn’t see the little old lady waitress. It looked like another waiter had come on duty in her place. He had a bow tie. She didn’t like his looks.

  She still couldn’t believe it. How could she lose it? All her money was in there. It couldn’t possibly have dropped out. She had it this morning. She bought the shirts with it. She remembered because she put the receipt in the billfold in case she had to take them back. Now that was gone too.

  The new waiter was looking over at her.

  She remembered that friend of Jamie’s. He sat next to her. The purse was between them.

  It had to be him. She knew there was something wrong about him the way he looked at her. Wait till she told Jamie.

  Lila looked down at her glass. It was empty.

  She didn’t have Jamie’s new number. He didn’t give it to her. What was she going to do now? She couldn’t even order dinner. She had to stop and think. She couldn’t even think straight. Is that why Jamie didn’t give her his number? So there was no way she could tell him?

  So he could set her up?

  The waiter came over.

  I’m not ready yet, Lila told him.

  He gave her a nothing look and went away.

  Jamie wouldn’t have done that. When Jamie wanted money he just said so. He didn’t have to steal from her.

  It was so hard to think. She wished she hadn’t had these drinks. There was a coin purse inside. He didn’t take that. She took it out and counted it. Two quarters, four nickels, and seven pennies.

  She didn’t even have enough to even pay for the drinks. There was going to be trouble.

  She felt sick. She had to go to the toilet.

  When she went past the waiter he looked like he already knew she wasn’t going to pay.

  The toilet stunk. She tried to wash but there wasn’t any soap. This was a god-damn dump, this place. Her face was dirty too, but there was nowhere to wash. This dirty city. She saw in the mirror that her hair was dirty too. She needed to wash.

  If she used the coins to call some friends they could come and help. But it was four years now. Nobody stayed still for four years in New York.

  When she got to the phone, on the first coin, she tried Laurie’s number. The phone rang and rang. While it was ringing she realized that if she wanted to she could go out the door right from where this phone was and they wouldn’t be able to stop her.

  The waiter was watching her. He’d stop her. He looked mean. He looked like he’d been around.

  Laurie’s phone didn’t answer. That was all right. That meant she got the coin back. But then it answered and the voice asked who was calling. She said, Lila Blewitt. The woman went away and Lila waited. Thank God Laurie was still here.

  But then the voice came back and said, You must have the wrong number, and hung up.

  What did that mean?

  She tried two other numbers and got her coin back. She was going to call another address but she realized she really didn’t know her. She wouldn’t help even if she remembered her. The waiter was still watching.

  Lila thought about him for a while. What could he do? She might as well get it over with.

  She braced he
rself and went over and told him. Somebody stole my money. I can’t pay.

  He just looked at her. He didn’t say anything.

  She wondered if he heard what she said.

  Then he said, What were you puttin in the telephone?'

  That was coins, Lila said. They took my billfold.

  He just stared at her some more. She could see he didn’t believe her.

  After a while he said, They took your billfold.

  Yes, she said.

  He stared some more.

  Then he said, I just work here. The manager isn’t here.

  He turned and went out to the kitchen.

  When he came back he said, They said to leave your name and address.

  I don’t have an address, she said. He stared some more.

  You don’t have an address, he repeated.

  That’s what I said.' She was starting to get mad.

  Where do you live?

  On a boat.

  Where’s the boat? he asked. She wondered why he wanted to know that. What was he going to do now?

  On the river, she said. It doesn’t matter. I have to leave tonight. I don’t know where the boat is.

  The waiter kept staring at her. Jesus Christ, what a starer!

  Well, just sign the name of the boat, he said.

  He looked at where she signed the piece of paper. Then he gave her a dirty look and said, And now, when you get back to your boat please get some money from your boat and bring it back here, OK? Because other people gotta live too, ya know?

  She picked up her purse and shirts from the floor by the telephone and saw him smile at somebody back in the kitchen and shake his head as she went out the door. At least he wasn’t as bad as she thought he was going to be. He could have called the cops or something. He probably thought she was some kind of crazy person.

  It was getting cold and the street looked spooky now in the dark.

  The restaurant door closed behind her. She could have left this box of shirts to pay for it, she thought. Now she had to carry them. But he never asked.

  She thought about going back and giving them to him… No, it was all over. He wouldn’t take them, anyway…