Child of Darkness

  "Oh," Anti said, "I see you're upset about what I said. You're worrying about your own meager wardrobe, I'm sure," Ami continued, before I could even think of that problem.

  In fact, I don't think I managed a breath in between her excited speeches.

  "Well, don't worry at all. The first thing I'm going to do with you is take you shopping to my personal boutiques. Wade and I have already agreed about that, too, haven't we, Wade?"

  "Yes, Ami," he said with even more fatigue in his voice.

  "Money, despite Wade's modesty, is not an issue for us. Wade is an important businessman. He manages his family's very large plumbing supply company, although he doesn't really know anything about plumbing, do you, Wade?"

  "I do too," he protested, his face finally taking on some color. "I worked with Dad for--"

  "Oh, Wade." She waved at him. "Does he look like he worked with wrenches and pipes all his life? His mother wouldn't let him work that hard."

  She laughed.

  Wade's blush rippled down his neck. He smirked and shook his head. Then he forced a smile at Mother Higgins.

  "My mother always told me you could lift more with your brains than with your muscles," he said in his own defense.

  Mother Higgins nodded.

  "I quite agree with your mother."

  A look of satisfaction sat on his face. He turned triumphantly to Ami.

  "Whatever," Ami said, already bored with the topic. "How soon can she come to live with us?"

  "Well," Mother Higgins said, eyeing me. "Before we get into any of that, I suppose Celeste should tell us what she thinks. We do let the girls think for themselves, especially when they reach Celeste's age. In a year, she will be on her own--not that we would ever desert her," Mother Higgins added, smiling my way.

  "Oh, yes, of course. I'm sorry. I just thought . . ." Ami paused, glanced at Wade, who shook his head, and then sat back and folded her arms under her breasts. "Go on. Tell us what you think."

  They were all looking at me now. Even Wade's face suddenly was full of interest. Something was swirling about them, something I had never sensed. What had brought these people to me now? I had always harbored the deep belief that nothing happened to me without a reason, that my destiny was clearly and plainly laid out in a map of events solely designed for me. These people didn't simply find me. It was meant to happen. But why?

  Ami looked absolutely terrified that I would reject their offer.

  "I don't know. It's true that since the academic year has just begun, it wouldn't be a terrible burden to change schools. I suppose I'm fine with it all," I said. "As soon as whatever has to be done is done," I added, looking at Mother Higgins.

  She smiled at me.

  "Oh, how wonderful!" Ami cried, nearly leaping out of her seat. "How long will it all take? Do we need an attorney? We have dozens of attorneys, don't we, Wade? What do we need?" she said, grimacing as though she expected a dreadfully long laundry list of preparations.

  "You don't need an attorney," Wade said slowly. "Why don't you and Celeste take a walk and get to know each other while Mother Higgins and I go through the paperwork?" he suggested.

  Ami brightened again, and her skin, which was so soft looking and so smooth it looked smeared over her body with a butter knife, took on a rosy blush at the crests of her high cheekbones.

  "What a wonderful idea. Thank you, Wade. Celeste, shall we?" she asked, rising.

  I glanced at Mother Higgins. She wasn't smiling now. Her eyes met mine as they had often. She had a way of reaching inside me to find out what I really thought and felt. I liked her very much, but the prospect of having a life outside of' this orphanage away from all these younger girls and attending a school that was far from the dreary one I now attended was truly exhilarating for me.

  "I'll show you our gardens," I told Ami.

  She practically leaped across the office to thread her arm through mine.

  "Good. I hate boring business talk anyway," she whispered.

  She was my prospective foster mother, but I felt like I had joined arms with one of the younger wards in the orphanage. We stepped outside into the warm early September afternoon. Summer wasn't over, and anyway, it did look like we would have an extended one. A military jet had drawn a trail of milk white exhaust across the darkening blue, but other than that, there wasn't a cloud in sight.

  Ami was right. The orphanage wasn't very large, and the grounds were narrow toward the front, the boundaries of the property shaped more like a parabola. To the right was an old fieldstone wall with mold on the stones and weeds growing out of crevices and cracks. Between the building and the wall were some modest attempts at creating gardens. The people who worked on it were volunteers, and the flowers and plants were pathetic in contrast to those I remembered on our farm. Sometimes, almost as a way of reliving those days, I would work on the gardens here, and when I did, I thought I sensed Noble standing behind me, even though it had been quite a while since he had shown himself to me. It's only a memory, I told myself, just a memory, and I don't need it. I'm stronger. It was a chant my therapist had suggested I repeat every time I was tempted to call for Noble.

  "I have a confession to make," Ami began. "I've seen you before."

  "Oh?"

  Was she referring to something in my past? I wondered. A picture in a newspaper? A magazine? What did she actually know about that?

  "I did a bit of a survey of the orphanages and foster homes in our area, and when I learned about you, I parked my car across the street there one afternoon and waited for you to return from school."

  I wasn't sure I liked being spied upon, so I was silent.

  "Of course, I knew it was you immediately. I can tell a lot about someone from the way she walks, holds her head. You looked like you didn't belong here, and I said to myself, Ami, there's a girl who will appreciate what you can give her."

  "Thank you," I said, even though it sounded more like she was patting herself on the back than patting me on mine.

  "Anyway, our house could use some youth and excitement in it. As you heard, we have been married for over four years. Wade works with his father, but they are like water and oil. You know what that means?"

  "Yes," I said, smiling.

  "I bet you're very, very smart. I mean, I heard about your grades, but getting good grades in school doesn't mean you're necessarily really smart, worldly smart," she said. "I was an average student, but I knew where it was at. Especially," she said, leaning so close I thought she would kiss my ear, "when it comes to men. Do you have a boyfriend?"

  She looked pleased.

  "Did you have one, break up or anything?"

  I shook my head.

  "Good. Are you a virgin? It's all right. You can tell me things," she quickly followed before I could react. "I want us to be like lifelong friends right from the start. I know you haven't had anyone here in whom you could confide your deepest secrets, right? Of course I'm right," she added before I could even think of an answer.

  I had to laugh.

  "Yes," I said. "I am a virgin."

  "That's so great. I was a virgin when I was your age, too. All I hear these days is young girls are losing their virginity at earlier and earlier ages. Not that I'm saying I'm old-fashioned and believe in the golden treasure or anything. I just think sex is something you have to take very, very seriously. If you're smart, you'll use it like a weapon, a tool. That's what I did, and look where I am. We'll talk about all that later. We have lots of time.

  "So," she said before I could make any comment or question what she meant by such a statement, "what we'll do first is go shopping for new clothes for you. This Monday, I'll get you enrolled in the school. Don't expect Wade to do much. I'm not saying he wasn't all for this," she added quickly. "He was. He's just . . . a little narrow," she concluded. "Not that I don't love him. I do. I just think it's important to recognize your husband's strengths and weaknesses and not be like some of these women I know who have their heads buried in mud baths a
t spas. Why, they could see their husbands with a beautiful woman on their arms and pretend it was a business associate. See no evil; hear no evil; as long as you give me my allowance. Some women are like children instead of wives, but not yours truly, and that's what I'm going to teach you: how to hold your own with any man you meet.

  "Oh, it's just going to be a wonderful time," she declared.

  We stopped walking. She looked out at the road, and then she took a deep breath.

  "So, now tell me about all this nonsense about your coming from a crazy family."

  I tilted my head slightly and looked at her. She laughed.

  "You were brought up by a boy who turned out to be a girl?"

  "I wasn't brought up by him," I said sharply.

  "Don't worry. I don't believe a word of any of that," she said, flicking her hand as if to dismiss someone. "Whatever happened, it obviously hasn't done you any great harm. I've spoken to your teachers, and I've read the nice reports people have made on you. Wade has no idea how much time I've already spent on you."

  "You've spoken to my teachers?" I asked, very surprised.

  "Yes, yes," she said, waving it off. "Anyway, the truth is," she said, now whispering, "our family is the crazy family. Wade's mother died at the age of forty-eight. She had heart failure, but I can tell you now it wasn't exactly heart failure. It was more like a broken heart. Wade's father is a true womanizer, and his mother was confronted with evidence of one extramarital affair after another. It embarrassed her to death. She got so she hated going out in public because she thought everyone was laughing at her. Some days she didn't even get dressed, didn't even get out of bed. Wade's told me all about it, but he never talks about it in front of his father.

  "Wade's father is still quite the man about town. admit he's handsome and doesn't look his age, but you'd think he'd settle down, especially after losing his wife.

  "Wade's sister Bethany has refused to have anything to do with him since their mother's death. She's married and lives in Washington, D.C. Her husband works for a United States senator. If anyone's a snob in this family, it's Bethany, but Wade would never say anything against her. He doesn't say anything about any-one, and he hates gossip. I can't even talk about movie stars!" she exclaimed. "If I start, he slaps his hands over his ears and cries, `Turn it off,' as if I was playing something horrible on the music system."

  We walked along.

  "But all that's gong to stop," she said. "I mean, I'll have you. Of course Wade will, too, but I'm warning you now, Wade's a workaholic. Even his father, who built the business, criticizes him. The truth is," she said, pausing again, "I'm often lonely. Oh, I could have gotten involved in the business, but who wants that? And I wasn't going to go out and become one of these career women. I don't need the money or the prestige. I come from a wealthy family myself. I was an only child, and so of course Wade calls me spoiled.

  "So what? I'm spoiled. A woman, women like us, should be spoiled. We're made to be spoiled, and their job is to spoil us. Oh," she said suddenly, turning to hug me. "We'll really be like sisters. I mean that," she said, pulling back and looking firm. "Don't ever think of me as a mother, even though that's what I'm claiming I'll be. I couldn't stand the thought of it. I mean. . . a mother to someone as old as you? Really, how ridiculous I would look to anyone I told such a thing."

  I stared at her. I had never seen or spoken to anyone quite like her, someone so full of energy and excitement. It was as if she had been kept under lock and key for years and was finally permitted to go out and meet people. I'm sure my look of curiosity and amazement confused her.

  "I guess I'm talking too much. Wade is always accusing me of that and slapping those hands over his ears. Am I talking too much? Just say so and I'll shut up. Just don't slap your hands over your ears like Wade does. He has no idea how much I hate that. Or maybe he does and does it anyway. Men."

  "No," I said, smiling. "I don't mind your talking at all."

  She beamed.

  "I knew that you wouldn't. I just knew it. Wade, I said, a girl like that is probably just dying to have someone like me to talk to. She's like a flower kept growing in a pot too small. Oh come on," she said, seizing my hand and turning back toward the orphanage. "Let's tell them we're tired of waiting and anxious to get going. Why should it take so long, anyway?"

  She took a few steps and paused, turning back to me.

  "You are anxious, aren't you? Anxious to get going, I mean?"

  I looked at her, at the orphanage, at the meager gardens, and then smiled and nodded.

  "Yes," I said. "Very anxious."

  She squealed with delight and practically dragged me toward the door.

  It did feel like a whirlwind, but I didn't mind it. I packed and said my goodbyes in less than an hour. Mother Higgins took me aside before I joined Ami and Wade, who were waiting in the lobby.

  "You have been with us a long time, Celeste," she began. "I've always known you were a special girl. You have learned to cherish and guard tightly what you hear inside yourself and what you see. That takes wisdom. I have watched you in prayer, and I know you have a maturity and direction inside you. These people might not be right for all that, but you have to be generous. Do you know what I mean?"

  "Yes, Mother Higgins."

  She nodded.

  "I think you do, dear. I think you are truly wise be-yond your years. Most of the time, that's a blessing; sometimes it can be a burden. It is a burden if you are intolerant of those who do not have your insight and maturity."

  "I understand, Mother Higgins."

  She smiled.

  "I know you do. I'm very proud of how you've grown and overcome your difficulties. I only pray that this is the opportunity you well deserve. Best of luck, dear," she said, and hugged me. "Call me whenever you want."

  Wade helped carry out my suitcases. I had two good-sized ones now. I remembered when I had only a carry-on bag. Ami waited beside their big black Mercedes. It looked like the limousine I had once dreamed would come to take me away, but to take me back to the aromas that lingered in my memory, the tastes that dwelled on my tongue, and the whispers that lived in-side my ears.

  "I'm going to ride in the back with Celeste, Wade," she told him. She smiled at me. "We'll feel like we've got a chauffeur then, Celeste. You don't mind being our chauffeur, do you, Wade dear?"

  "What's new about that?" he quipped, and she laughed.

  "Oh, you're just going to love us," Ami said, and practically pushed me into the car. She closed the door quickly and sat back to catch her breath. She saw the way I was gazing at the old orphanage, and I knew that it displeased her.

  However, I couldn't help it. The cold stone front somehow had become so familiar and

  comfortable, I felt like I was leaving an old friend. For most of the last year I had been the oldest girl there, and often I found myself -acting more like a house mother. I didn't mind it so much. In fact, I wondered how sad the other girls would be when they learned I had left.

  "You're not even a little unhappy about leaving that place, are you?" she asked, a note more of fear in her voice than of disgust.

  "It's been home for a long time," I said. It was the last place I had ever seen Noble, too, I thought; although now the vision was foggy in my mind.

  "Oh, it hasn't been a home. It's been a . . . a place. You're about to enter a home," she said, almost snapping at me. She smiled quickly. "At least, I hope with all my heart that you will believe that, Celeste," she added in a far softer tone of voice.

  Me too, I thought.

  But somehow, despite all the time that had passed and how much I had grown and learned, the concept of home still remained very vague. It was more like a partially formed dream, a flurry of images yet to be connected, feelings yet to be felt, promises yet to be kept.

  On the ride to their house, Ami told me about her own youth, the places she had been with her parents, and her schools. She described her social life in great detail, especially the grand part
ies. Then she listed her boyfriends. She began when she was only ten. It amazed me how she remembered their names and the order of their appearance. She was up to twenty when she paused.

  "I was never long without a boyfriend," she bragged. "My father used to say he should have named me Honey because there were so many boys buzzing around our house."

  "Bees aren't attracted to honey. They make honey," Wade said.

  "Whatever. Don't be so pedantic," she chastised, and then turned to me. "Wade and I met at my coming-out party, but I didn't fall prey to his charms immediately. He had to work on me, but he was persistent, no matter how difficult I made it for him," she said. "And I did make it difficult," she said, raising her voice.

  "Difficult's her middle name," Wade quipped.

  "Very funny. He had to do a lot to win my hand in marriage, and even more to win the rest of me," she added with another giggle.

  I saw the back of Wade's neck turn crimson.

  "Stop it, Ami," he warned.

  "I will not stop it. I'm going to begin giving her the benefit of my experience immediately." She turned to me, her face very serious. "You must never let a man think you're easy, no matter how much you want him. Once a man takes you for granted, he forgets all his promises."

  "Oh, brother," Wade moaned. "Celeste, I don't know what you know about men and what you don't, but you better get a second opinion on everything she tells you. Consider it the same as a medical problem. You need a second opinion."