A Fire Upon the Deep

* [vsv] But I don’t think they ever want to do that until after Tyrathect sheds the cloaks

 
  Note 1101

  * [vsv] June 4, 1991 INCON about Flenser’s colors?

 
  Note 1102

  * QU Think on whether it is reasonable for Flenser to defer to his own weakness here. YES, he’s no Steel

  * [vsv] June 5, 1991 CHK Brimstone, sulfur? Make sure he is already familiar with such things.

 
  Note 1103

  * [vsv] CHK INCON 30ft June 4, 1991 Some of Flenser’s lying seems unnecessarily different from the truth TUF

 
  Note 1104

  * QU Does Rangolith sound too much like “Fanglith” (John Dalmas’s name for Earth in his books with that name, I believe)?

 
  Note 1105

  * [vsv] TUF :

  * PRB QU At least in terms of plot, this Flenser stuff seems awfully repetitious with the Steel/Flenser stuff of the previous scene. It only satisfies 1 or 2 of vsv> criteria (background, plot, char).

 
  Note 1106

  * [vsv] June 5, 1991 Note that in c30, the Frag wasn’t sure of the identity of the traitor (but that was “20May” and we’re at about “20Jul” now)

 
  Note 1107

  * ID Maybe Flenser had previously been experimenting with electricity; that might make some of the radio success microscopically more plausible

  * PRB QU A lot of this conversation is repetition of things that should have been known to both characters

  * QU Is it okay that I don’t say that what goes to Rango is in code? YES

  QU Is it okay if I don’t talk about encrypting heliograph? YES

 
  Note 1108

  * [vsv] CHKd INCON sp Margrum

 
  Note 1109

  * [ur] Page 580, INSERT A:

 
  Note 1110

  * [ur] Page 580, INSERT B:

 
  Note 1111

  * [ur] Page 581, INSERT C [a separate paragraph]:

 
  Note 1112

  * [vsv] June 4, 1991 Italicize “static” here, too? June 16, 1991 NO

 
  Note 1113

  * QU PRB is it right to use “it” when referring to an individual member.

  * [vsv] IMP “school teacher”:

  * ID QU It would be good to think of an occupation for Tyrathect (different from the occupation of others in the story). Among other advantages, this would make it easier to refer to her in some places.

  * [vsv] “school teacher” now mentioned in c02c24c34c37 04Jun91

  * [vsv] drekko “soul” v “mind”

 
  Note 1114

  * [vsv] And so now the barriers are down between the two, but in fact this means that subversion can proceed at much lower, more intimate levels. I don’t want this to be hinted at here, but I would like it to be obvious in retrospect.

  * [vsv] June 4, 1991 Okay now make a big deal of the housecleaning once and for all that Flenser is doing (but why didn’t he do it before — maybe because Tyrathect was not so exposed as she is now in the wake of this final maximum dffort)

 
  Note 1115

  * [vsv] CHK usage “The Master” v “the Master”

 
  Note 1116

  * [ur] FRAG : More often than not, the soul is formed by its actions, its commitments. Whatever errant motives and soft ideas had made Tyrathect they were now irrelevant. The little school teacher was now simply a part of The Master.

  * [hld] If OOB is star-drive-capable, it should be able to detect, jam and probably understand cloaks

  * [vsv] April 13, 1991 IMP Lots more should be made of this scene and managing the conflict before and after. Suggest that Tyra appear consistently subdued after this point, till climax.

 
  Note 1117

  * RETRO write the fact that many of the wounded are kept with Woodcarver

  * ID Note that by now Woodcarver and Pilgrim probably know more about Straumli general culture than Johanna. Thus she is not the important information resource that she was before.

  * PRB with this scene is that you talked about treatment of singletons some before, when Scriber was killed. Some of this may be repetitious. In any case, maybe you should have more remembering back to Scriber here.

  * ID Later, in nursing the wounded, Johanna could think back to Scriber and feel good about what she is doing

  * Could put in red sunlight through smoke here, though it would echo with your Barbarian Princess story

  * ID IMP for climax. When interrogating Vendacious, learning that Jefri is still alive should be presaged so that there is a real feeling of joy. In fact this might even come out when Vendacious is teasing Johanna.

 
  Note 1118

  * PRB again gender problem in referring to single members

 
  Note 1119

  * BKG : ID Sidebar about problems of translation, jabberwocky, possibility that things in a message only seem to make sense (in a sense, some form of evocation may be impossible to avoid).

  * Zero coordinate language notion, and the problems therewith. For instance, you commonly translate units just by conversion. But if creatures are extraordinarily small, then this would conflict with the spirit of the zero coordinate approach.

  * [vsv] Note that this paragraph does contain an echo of Scriber

 
  Note 1120

  * ID TINES (but a little late): Maybe there is something special about the kind of pack who would use a lower protocol name SEQ

  ID TINES Low protocol names have apparent diminutives in this story (Amdi, Wicky, …) but that is probably an artifact of the translation. In fact, the syllables are most likely piled up in a chord or two. Maybe should eliminate most such diminutives.

 
  Note 1121

  * ID Heh, heh, could even have sidebars written by Pilgrim. This might actually be a compromise with your story frame idea SEQ

 
  Note 1122

  * PRB INCON This sarcasm is in conflict with “a happy ending for all” a little later on FIXED

 
  Note 1123

  * [jrf2] “weirdly moving” is AWK FIXED

  * QU should I try to make Chitiratte’s references to Johanna be in the neuter gender? NÆH

 
  Note 1124

  * QU PRB Is this action too slow to be plausible (especially the slowness with which Johanna’s allies are noticed to be attacking?)? NÆH

 
  Note 1125

  * QU Have I used this “happy ending” ploy before? (or even worse, is it reminiscent of someone else’s writing?)

  * Hmm. I may have used it in my recounting of the Detective and the Martians in MiRT Chapter TITLE : “A Happy Ending for All the Survivors” The following seems to FIX all this:

 
  Note 1126

  * QU what do you think of this quick cut technique in suspense/action?

 
  Note 1127

  * QU Preceding use of italics too kinky? FIXED QU Is it too flippant?

  * ID BKG With advent of technology, brood kenning could become even more interesting. SEQ

  * [vsv] BKG if I had it to do all over, might argue that Tines don’t have gender, but animals (and individual members) do

  * SEQ could have other cultures/languages of packs that have explicitly finer gradations for pack gender.

  * [vsv] ID You might still have the notion of different word for gender for a pack but see

 

  Note 1128

  * [vsv] from CHAR : Vendacious is six

 
  Note 1129

  * CHK if you had previously given Scrupilo a title.

  * QU Is this sentence too awkward?

  * PRB BKG Work on everybody’s modes of swearing

  * [vsv] Way back in c01 Pilgrim uses ‘hell’

 
  Note 1130

  * ID BKG Hmm, may need a new meaning for “dismemberment” (betcha I already used that new meaning in a Steel scene somewhere).

  * BKG Somewhere want to make it clear that Tines’ hearing from 0-10KHz is not especially better/worse than humans’. Be good to write this in. You may also want to decide on some details of the (small) differences.

  * CHK Capitalize “pilgrim” consistently

  * QU Is it consistent for Vendacious to call Pilgrim, “sir”?

  * [vsv] CHK Chitiratte or Chitiratte>

 
  Note 1131

  * [jrf] Vernor: This is wonderful!

  * Last sentence in paragraph bracketed

 
  Note 1132

  * Small PRB Terminology for “Johanna” that is consistent within each viewpoint

  * PRB Decide on the terms for medical stuff: nurse, doctor, medic, surgeon barber, corpsman, …

  * PRB nature of wounds to Johanna, both here and at beginning of book, to be consistent with story:

  * It was suggested that blood loss could plausibly be Johanna’s injury at the initial ambush of the refugee ship, and concussion could be the injury in this scene with Chitiratte

  * Possible INCON Have I been consistent about Tines eye color? and non- beadiness (or beadiness) of the eyes. From the Blabber I don’t see how I can reasonably characterize their eyes as “beady”

  * [vsv] I think so; see TINES.TXT

 
  Note 1133

  * PRB Lots of awkward sentences. Odd word orderings, shoehorning.

 
  Note 1134

  * [vsv] June 15, 1991 Look up Chitiratte in Gilliland or C. S. Lewis. If not there, use it instead of Chitirattifor June 16, 1991 DONE June 16, 1991 Gilliland has a Chittabob on ~p29 42 of Who Says Paranoia Isn’t “In” Anymore Göglosh

 
  Note 1135

  * QU How can I make her immobility plausible? How can I make her being given to Vendacious be plausible?

 
  Note 1136

  * [vsv] CHKd “cotter’s hut” okay, though it implies a person who is working for a landowner

 
  Note 1137

  * PRB If Vendacious has an extensive staff in on the conspiracy, then it seems like word would get back to Steel of any bad thing happening to Vendacious. Even if he doesn’t have lotsa accomplices, seems like independent agents would probably notice that he had been caught. Just another reason for for eliding what happens after he gives up.

  * PRB general: Have to make the close-bonding paradigm of pack consciousness clear. “Telepathy” is not in general possible (though you might have a little, including the “headsman” example discussed with )

 
  Note 1138

  * QU PRB /opportunity: Why Peregrine and Vendacious talking in Samnorsk

  * One looking out, light on face.

  * Comments on no one nearby, and perhaps on what his strategy is. This could obviate necessity of sparring with Johanna. Perhaps this could be an opportunity to say something about his motives. Why is Vendacious what he is?Too male (this for tie in with the plot gimmick in “The Blabber”) This will still need retrowritingXeno-freudianClearly he’s on a power trip

  * What he knows of Steel The ambush plansSteel has some access to Spacer knowledge … probably Jefri is alive

  * Vendacious plans to dominate with use of dataset. Note that you don’t really have to say how. That might be his reason for torturing her now (Didn’t torture Scriber)

  * So what are Peregrine’s real and ostensible purposes in coming by? “Don’t do anything foolish, Vendacious, Old Man”

  * Pilgrim could make some interesting threats that tie up with the fact that most people really like Johanna

  * Johanna’s ultimate reaction

  * Losing consciousness again … killing jaws and paws, now gentle, without tines

 
  Note 1139

  * PRB QU : gotta do this so it does not appear to be [USA1990]homophobic or [USA1990]heterophobic! Seems like it might be taken both ways by different readers.

  * ID QU : You know, you might make Vendacious all but one female. Thus, you’d have a different sort of pathology for that type of one-sex: The trapper v the hunter.

  * [vsv] IMP SOLN This paragraph does cover you for “The Blabber”; you may still want some comment elsewhere (though note that the one-sex peril would not be so serious when there are plenty of other packs around).

 
  Note 1140

  * INCON : Earlier, you have Tyrathect ignorant that Vendacious is the spy at Woodcarver’s

  * PRB QU : Too much like my other Tinish villains? PRB somewhere need a comment that he can’t visibly mutilate her very much.

  * [vsv] “scattered” sentence is a good idea, but somewhat unclear

  * [vsv] June 11, 1991 Someplace indicate they have more personality info on Steel. June 16, 1991 see c24 Woodcarver comment

 
  Note 1141

  * [vsv] June 2, 1991

 
  Note 1142

  * [jrf] what is the something??

  * [vsv] That Jefri must be communicating with the outside.

  * IMP really do need to upgrade your attention on Oliphaunt and explain why no other automation is available.

 
  Note 1143

  * RETRO Somewhere should explicitly justify why interpack speech is generally audible to humans June 16, 1991 See Johanna commentary earlier (award ceremony?)

  * [vsv] I really think I do that somewhere (a little in the discussion of Hightalk in c02)

 
  Note 1144

  * [vsv] June 11, 1991 Previous paragraph threat seems a bit extreme to claim for Woodcarver June 16, 1991 TUF

 
  Note 1145

  * QU Is it sufficiently plausible that a pack can tell that the voice isn’t faked even though a human couldn’t?

 
  Note 1146

  * [vsv] But also using Samnorsk means guards can’t overhear INCON NÆH

 
  Note 1147

  * PRB More sense involvement in this scene; eg, smell.

  * PRB QU Also it seems a little artificial with just the two of them?

 
  Note 1148

  * ID Go back and have the Samnorsk be so that the guards can’t follow what’s going on?

  * CHK these assertions and review the analogs of birds and insects

 
  Note 1149

  * [vsv] June 2, 1991 slightly repetitive

 
  Note 1150

  * [jrf] Nice work!

 
  Note 1151

  * [ur] Using w.bat and wc.com to do 1500words/day

 
  Note 1153

  * [vsv] Does Ølvira have sublight capability? For the sake of consistency it should not, So make it clear they are picked up at the end

 
  Note 1152

  * ID RETRO Pham’s staring at the fleets, studying them Probably he should get info on the crew composition

  * related to Lost Time problems

 
  Note 1154

  * ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
^^^^^

  * ID Consider using this as the model for your ultimate epilog

  * ID Suggest you show which ship is the receiver (so people can readers can distinguish PoV shifts) June 16, 1991 NÆH

 
  Note 1155

  * [ur] [Light gloss]

 
  Note 1156

  * [ur] (full-gloss channel)

 
  Note 1157

  * CHK eidolon: Insubstantial image; phantom; ideal

 
  Note 1158

  * ID here spacetime measurement is based on grav wave event at galactic core. I don’t know whether you really want to explain this anywhere. Truly precise spacetime is maintained across long intervals by patching between spacetime locations of major, well-specified events. Thus local measures (things like atomic clocks) could be used most of the time and refinements could be achieved where necessary by locating the calibration events more precisely. Large sub- communities of the Known Net would then have quite a bit of consistency in measuring spacetime.