Crave Me

  The truth was eating me alive as if I was dying right along with him.

  I couldn’t do it.

  Not anymore.

  I stood behind the tattered couch, staring at the back of his head. He nodded off. The craving completely took over me, rotting its way into the empty space that now held his soul.

  I shook my head in disgust and bewilderment with tears streaming down my face. This was all that was left of him.

  No more I love you’s.

  No more I promises.

  No more tomorrows.

  No. More. Austin.

  “Why?!” I shouted, my chest heaving and my heart breaking bit by bit. “Why do you do this to me? Why do you keep doing this to me?” I sobbed uncontrollably. “I can’t fucking do this anymore! I can’t watch you die! I can’t watch you kill yourself more than I already have!” I bawled, my body shaking.

  “I hate you! Do you hear me, Austin?! I fucking hate you!” I screamed loud enough to break glass.

  Heaving, I leaned over and placed my hands on my knees for support, struggling to breathe in and out.

  “Why do you do this to me? Please, Austin, please fucking enlighten me! I’m sorry! I’m so fucking sorry!” I whimpered hysterically.

  He didn’t try to comfort me like he always did. He didn’t try to hold me, touch me, kiss me, or reassure me.

  Lie to me.

  Nothing.

  I wiped my face, standing to look at him again. He hadn’t moved from the place he sat. His body was lifeless.

  “Austin,” I murmured so low I could hardly hear myself. “Austin,” I said a little louder.

  My feet moved on their own accord. Inch by inch, I made my way around the couch, old needles, bags, and God knows what else crunching under my feet. I felt as though I was having an out of body experience. I was there, but I wasn’t. Closing my eyes, I swallowed hard before I was standing fully in front of him.

  “Please, God,” I found myself saying as I slowly opened my eyes.

  My body shuddered as I took in the needle that was still lodged into his vein, his eyes were closed, and his head leaned over to the side.

  “No!” I lunged into action, tearing the syringe out of his arm and throwing it as hard as I could across the place I called Hell on Earth.

  “No! No! No! No!” I repeated, grabbing his face, making him look at me. All the color had drained from his body, his lips turned blue.

  “Austin!” I shook him. “Austin!” I shook him harder. “AUSTIN!” I slapped him across the face.

  Nothing.

  “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!”

  He wasn’t breathing.

  “Don’t do this to me! Don’t you do this to me again! Do you fucking hear me! Please! Don’t leave me!”

  I reached for my phone.

  “9-1-1, what is your emergency?”

  “He’s not breathing. I don’t know what to do! Please, please, help him!” I explained as much as I could to the operator, but my thoughts were scattered.

  “Where is your exact location?”

  “We’re in the back of the warehouse overlooking the harbor by Wallace Street and Grant Avenue.”

  “Ma’am, help is on the way. I need you to calm down. Can you do that for me?”

  “I don’t know! He’s not breathing. Please don’t let him die!”

  “Ma’am, I need you to calm down. You can’t help him if you don’t calm down.”

  I nodded even though she couldn’t see me.

  “Ma’am, are you still there?”

  “Yes.”

  “I need you to lay him on his side with his knees bent for support. Make sure his face is turned to the side. Can you do that?”

  “I think so.”

  I gently laid him down on the couch and did as I was told. My hands shaking the entire time.

  “The paramedics are almost there.”

  The rest proceeded in slow motion.

  Paramedics filled the vacant space, pushing me to the side. Narcan being injected up his nose. Paddles shocking him back to life.

  “One, two, three, clear.”

  His body jolted.

  “One, two, three, clear.”

  His body jerked again.

  “He’s breathing.”

  Laying him on a stretcher.

  Rushing him into the ambulance.

  Holding his hand the entire ride.

  Emergency room…

  Paperwork…

  Insurance…

  “Briggs,” a familiar voice called out, pulling me out of my fog.

  I cocked my head to the side.

  “Briggs, do you remember me? I’m Aubrey’s mom.”

  I nodded unable to form words.

  “They’re not going to let you go back there, honey. You’re not immediate family. It’s hospital policy. He’s in good hands. I promise I will do everything I can to make sure he comes out of this alive. That being said, there’s a chance he’s not… he was dead for too…” She placed her hand on my shoulder in a comforting gesture with hesitation, unsure how to proceed. “Honey, you need to call his family as soon as possible, time may not be on our side today. They need to be here now.”

  I nodded again as she reassuringly squeezed my shoulder. I walked out the double doors of the emergency room, wanting some privacy. The cool breeze was a welcome feeling against my feverish face. The chaos all around me was too hard to ignore. I reached into my pocket for my phone and it was then that I noticed I was shaking. I couldn’t form one coherent thought as I dialed his number. Shame and remorse submerged me, pulling me under, making it hard to breathe.

  “Hello,” he answered. I opened my mouth to say something, anything, but nothing came out.

  “Darlin’, are you there?”

  “Dylan,” I softly whispered his name into the phone. He was Austin’s best friend, and the only one that knew the truth.

  “Briggs? Are you alright?”

  “I-it’s Austin,” I blurted out, my voice breaking, the words causing my stomach to turn.

  “What?”

  “It’s Austin, Dylan. I found him. He called me after you did.”

  “Is he—”

  “He OD’ed. He’s in the ICU. They don’t know if he’s going to make it,” I informed him, my tone sounding distant and detached.

  “Jesus Christ,” he rasped. “What the fuck, Briggs? You promised me. You fucking promised me that you—”

  “I’m sorry,” I wept, tears streaming down my face. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

  “How did it get this bad? How has it come to this? How could you let this happen?” he roared question after question, looking for answers I didn’t have.

  I violently shook my head. “I tried. I swear to God I fucking tried! You have to believe me, Dylan!”

  “No, Briggs. You didn’t. You’re the reason he’s there. If he dies, it’s on you, do you fucking hear me? You!”

  I shut my eyes, my phone falling from my trembling hand, crashing to the ground. My body shuddering, knowing in my heart, he was right.

  It wasn’t always like this.

  At least…

  Not in the beginning.

  Chapter 1

  Austin

  “Austin, there you are!” my best friend Alex called out, running towards me with a huge smile on her pretty face.

  Her name was Alexandra, but everyone called her Alex for short. She was only eight years old and thought she was one of us boys. Following us everywhere we went from the time she could crawl. Our Half-Pint shadow was our nickname for her.

  “What are you doing over here on the dock all by yourself?”

  I shrugged, not really knowing how to reply.

  There were times that I wanted to be by myself. Alone with my thoughts where I could just let go and be me, without worrying about anyone else.

  Where I wasn’t just one of the good ol’ boys.

  Of all the people I knew, Alex would understand. Sometimes I felt like we had that in common, the need
to escape.

  It made things easier for me.

  “Why do you have a fishing pole if you’re not fishing?” She giggled, taking a seat next to me on the dock. “What are you writing in that notebook, Austin? You can’t be doing homework, you hate school.”

  She leaned over to see and I casually closed it, picking up the fishing pole and casting it out in the water.

  “Did you walk over here by yourself, Half-Pint?” I asked, changing the subject.

  She rolled her eyes. “I’m not a baby, Austin. You’re nine, that’s only one year older than me and you walked over here by yourself,” she sassed, making me grin.

  “Is that right?”

  “I know what you’re thinking.”

  “Hey, I didn't say a word, but I’m a boy and you’re not. So there is that.”

  She narrowed her eyes at me, giving me the signature Alex glare. There was no telling her she couldn’t do something just because she was a girl. If you did, she would prove you wrong the second you laid out the challenge. Her willpower to prove her point had gotten her in trouble more times than I could count, but it didn’t stop me from picking on her, mostly because I loved getting a rise out of her.

  We all did.

  Our eyes moved to the fishing pole when it jolted and arched.

  “You got a bite! Reel it in, Austin!” she exclaimed as she bounced on the balls of her feet, clapping her hands with excitement.

  I did, jerking my body back every few seconds, reeling until the fish was out of the water, flapping around everywhere. I stood, laying the fishing pole down on the dock. Squatting down to grab its scaly body with one hand, I used my other to pull out the hook from its mouth.

  “I bet I can catch a bigger fish than you,” Alex chimed in.

  I grinned again, raising an eyebrow as I stood. “Oh yeah?”

  She enthusiastically nodded.

  “By all means, Half-Pint,” I challenged, handing her my pole.

  She smiled, big and wide as she removed her Chucks. The same black ones us boys started wearing instead of the pink ones her mom begged her to buy. She took a dramatic deep breath before sitting back down with her legs dangling over the edge of the dock, her feet swimming in the water. The exact same way I’d been sitting.

  I shook my head and smiled at the image. I watched with a curious gaze as she sat with the pole out in front of her, placed between her legs, her hand ready to reel in a big fish. Determination was written all over her face. She would beat me, even if it meant she would have to stay there all day trying. Something about the way she looked in that moment inspired me. Before I knew it I was opening my notebook, turning it to a fresh page. She didn’t pay me any mind, her attention focused solely on the task at hand.

  I tried to capture how the lighting from the sun made the freckles on her nose more prominent and enticing. I watched as a few dark brown strands of her hair blew in the wind. The rest of it tied high on her head so she could fit in better with us. I watched the way she rubbed her lips against each other every few minutes, biting on her bottom one when she was done. How the boy clothes she was adamant about wearing fell off her thin, tiny frame, making her appear younger than she really was.

  Nothing lasts forever.

  There would come a time when she would shed the boy clothes, not wanting to look like one of us anymore. Blossoming before our very own eyes. Always wearing her long hair down with loose fitting dresses and flip-flops.

  Still a tomboy at heart.

  The scent of her sunscreen that I knew she put on every morning filled the air all around us. I smiled, enjoying this rare time alone with her. These memories were few and far between. I tried to capture every last detail of her, my hand running wild against the sheet of paper. Peering up at her every few seconds. She just had this natural beauty about her. I don’t know how much time went by. I was in my own little world, and I loved it when that happened. My mind would shut off for a little while, and I could live in the moment.

  That didn’t happen very often.

  Even at that young of an age.

  I always felt older than I was. Even my thoughts were beyond my years, an old soul was what my mom called me. Maybe that’s why being the youngest got to me so much. Having to try and do everything first, proving to the other boys and myself that I wasn’t the last one. Regardless of how much bigger and older they were, I wasn’t going to be the one left behind. It didn’t stop them from trying to order me around, and as we got older, I’d tell them where they could shove it.

  Putting an even bigger rift among our friendship, to the point that I no longer called them my brothers. My best friends.

  Except with Alex.

  Never with her.

  She was what held all of us good ol’ boys together, had been since she was born.

  I continued to get lost in her, my hand not stopping for one single second. I could see her frustration growing with each passing minute. Not wanting to accept that defeat may be the inevitable, until finally she got a bite. Her face lit up and her body jerked forward from the force. She jumped to her feet for more leverage. I didn’t stop drawing, I couldn’t.

  “Austin! I got one! I got a big one, too!” she celebrated, glowing from head to toe.

  I laughed as she used all of her strength to reel it in. I could have offered to help her, but that would have only provoked her, and she would have pushed me away. She wanted to do this on her own. I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to be the cause of her happiness.

  The fish put up one hell of a fight; I'm surprised it didn't yank her into the water. It took her a while to reel it in, but once she did, the joy that radiated all around her was enough to make me put my pencil down and notebook aside.

  I stood.

  “Look! Look how big! I don’t think you boys have ever caught one this big before!” she shouted, jumping up and down in front of me ecstatically.

  “Well, I think you might be right about that one. Don't get used to that, Half-Pint," I teased.

  She smiled, squatting down to take out the hook, exactly the way I taught her. I opened the cooler for her to stick it in next to my fish, but she hesitated and bit her lip, frowning.

  “I don’t think I want to keep it. I mean… it’s so big. Maybe it could help one of the smaller fish fight off a big fish one day.”

  I chuckled, nodding.

  She shrugged, trying not to look embarrassed as she threw it back in the ocean. She turned back around to look at me, but something else caught her attention. Her eyes widened and she gasped, looking down at the picture I just drew of her. I immediately reached down, closing and grabbing my notebook before she had a chance to snatch it.

  She reached out, stepping toward me.

  “Austin, please let me see,” she begged with her big dark brown eyes gazing at me.

  I couldn’t say no to her.

  None of us ever could.

  I sighed and handed her my notebook. No one knew this about me, not even my parents. She carefully flipped open the cover, her eyes widening once again as she took in page after page of the pictures that I had drawn over the years.

  “Wow,” she breathed out. “Did you draw all these?” she questioned, peering up at me.

  I nodded again.

  She smiled, shaking her head as she looked back down, turning each and every page until she got to the drawing of her. Shock quickly replaced the smile on her face.

  “Oh, wow.” She softly touched the outline of her face and then her hair on the paper, paying close attention to every detail I carefully drew. “I didn’t know you could even draw. How do I not know this? I know everything about you. Do the boys know?”

  “No,” I simply stated, nervously rubbing the back of my neck.

  She didn’t know how to feel about my response, I could see it all over her expression.

  “Why are you hiding this amazing talent? I mean…” she gestured towards the notebook in her hands, “this is such a beautiful gift, Austin. You sh
ould share it with the world.”

  I shrugged, not used to getting compliments or praise, especially for something I didn’t want anyone to know about me. She understood my silent response, nodding and closing the notebook. She handed it back to me.

  “Do you not want anyone to know?” she asked what I was already thinking.

  “Half-Pint—”

  “It’ll be our secret.” She threw her arms around my waist. “I promise I won’t tell anyone until you say I can.”

  I put my arms around her, kissing the top of her head. She hugged me tighter.

  “Can you promise to show me more of your drawings? Can you share your talent with me, at least? Please?” she whispered, gazing up at me.

  “I promise.”

  She nodded, hugging me one last time before she pulled away. It was then that we heard footsteps on the wooden dock, one big thud after another. We both peered in the direction of the noise.

  “Bo!” Alex called out, her special nickname for him. “I’ve been lookin’ all morning for you. I found Austin instead.” She pointed in my direction.

  He pulled her to his side, and she willingly went with love and adoration spilling right out of her. I looked back up toward Lucas and if looks could kill…

  I would be dead.

  Briggs

  “Daddy, can I have this?” I asked, holding a dolly with sparkling purple hair, trying to look as cute and adorable as I could. My puppy-dog eyes always worked with Daddy.

  “Your mom said no, princess,” he responded.

  “But, Daddy, I really need this, please, pleeeease, pretty please?” I begged, giving him the biggest pouty lip.

  “Daisy, you already have hundreds of dolls that look exactly like that one,” Mom chimed in.

  “No, Mommy, I don’t. She has sparkly purple hair,” I said, raising her above my head so she could see and understand what I was talking about.

  She grabbed her out of my grasp and I smiled big, thinking I won. It soon faded when she placed her back on the highest shelf that I couldn’t reach.

  “Mommy!” I stomped my foot on the ground.