Crave Me

  “What’s all this?” I asked, taken aback. My hand now placed over my heart, trying to hold it together.

  He stood, rounding the corner of the table, stopping with only a few inches of space between us.

  I smiled. I couldn’t help it. He looked like everything I ever wanted. Breaking through my resolve and hatred.

  Austin.

  He placed his hand on the side of my face, using his thumb to caress my cheek, as he had done so many times before. I could smell the lingering scent of cigarettes that I had come to love over all these years.

  I got lost in his eyes, in his gaze, in the way he was looking at me. Devouring me with his stare as if it were the first time he ever laid eyes on me. With the same depth he showed when I was dancing in Miami six years ago. It was the look that melted my heart and made me weak in the knees. The same look that brought my walls crumbling down.

  “I’m so sorry, Daisy.”

  “Austin—” He placed his finger on my lips, silencing me.

  “I know I keep apologizing to you time and time again. I know I may sound like a broken fuckin’ record at this point. But I swear to you on our love, on the love that I have for you so deep within my bones, that I’ve always, always meant it. That it’s always been true.”

  My lips parted, trying to steady the beating of my heart that I swear he could hear.

  “I don’t know what happened, baby. I wish I had a better reason for you. A better explanation after all this time, after everything you’ve been going through. What I’ve put you through. I’ll never forgive myself for that. I’ve been racking my brain the entire day trying to figure it out.”

  He took a deep breath, trying to gather his thoughts. His emotions.

  “I got lost. I got so fucking lost with the lifestyle. The drugs. The parties. I don’t know how I lost my way. It just took over. It was almost as if I was an outsider looking in. Every time I told myself I’m not going to get fucked up tomorrow, I’m not going to give in, I was doing the drugs before I even realized it was already the next day. It took control.”

  “I know,” I breathed out.

  He shut his eyes, the pain of my words too much for him to hear.

  “It’s why I didn’t want you to take over in the first place. I’ve seen what happens, I’ve seen it my entire life. Men come and go in this business, some are lucky enough to walk out the door.”

  He opened his eyes when he realized what I implied.

  “I thought I lost you, Austin. I thought you weren’t going to come back to me. That the drugs, money, and power replaced what we had. I thought everything we shared was—”

  “Shhh…” he whispered against my lips, gripping the sides of my face tight.

  I leaned into the warmth that I’d missed so damn much.

  “That won’t ever happen. I promise you that I won’t ever, ever make you feel that way again. I will never let you feel alone again. Nothing can take me away from you. I swear to you. You’re my home, Daisy. You’ve always been my home, my heart, and my soul. I didn’t start living until I met you. I’m so fucking sorry, baby.”

  I took in every last emotion he was giving me. Letting his words that I so desperately wanted to be true, take over.

  He kissed me, lightly beckoning my lips to open for him. They did.

  Feeling him.

  Loving him.

  Needing him.

  “Everything is going to be different from now on. I promise, baby. We can go. We have more than enough money. Let’s escape this life, escape the sadness that this life has brought on. Make new memories. We can start our life together. The one you’ve always wanted and the one I’ve never stopped wanting to give you.”

  Tears streamed down my face. I wanted to believe everything he was saying.

  No more lies.

  “What? You mean it? We can go? We can start over? Somewhere else… somewhere far away from here?” I asked, question after question not knowing which one I wanted answered the most.

  “I’ll go wherever you want. As long as we’re together, that’s all that’s ever mattered to me,” he rasped in between kissing me.

  He rested his forehead on top of mine. Never breaking our connection.

  Our love.

  He looked deep into my eyes with more sincerity than I had ever seen before, like his soul was staring back at me.

  “Marry me.”

  I tried to jerk back, but he held me in place by his grasp.

  “What? What did you just say?”

  He rubbed his nose back and forth over mine and spoke with conviction, “Marry me, Daisy.”

  I released the breath I didn’t realize I held, my hesitation bringing me back.

  “Are you serious? Are you being serious right now?” I wept, my tears covering his hands.

  “I’ve never been more serious about anything in all of my life. I love you more then anything on this earth. Marry me.”

  I wanted to say yes so fucking badly… but so much had happened between us.

  He smiled, kissing me all over my face, wiping my tears with his lips. Taking away all the pain that had lived inside them for so many years. He stopped and my body slowly slid down his until my feet touched the floor.

  “You’re my girl. You’ll always be my fucking girl,” he stated with his own voice breaking.

  He kissed me passionately, our tongues taking what the other needed. His grasp still tightly placed on the sides of my face. We kissed one last time, long and true before he pulled back to look deep into my eyes again and said,

  “You’re going to be the best mommy to our baby, Briggs.”

  My. Heart. Broke.

  Again.

  Chapter 28

  Austin

  I felt her immediately tense in my arms, going rigid like someone just knocked the wind out of her.

  “Why would you say that?” she asked, searching my face for an answer. Worry evident in her tone.

  I kissed the tip of her nose and let go of her face. I grabbed the flutes, pouring some champagne in each one. I handed her a glass and picked up mine clinking it against hers.

  I smiled. “I found the ultrasound picture in the frame on our nightstand,” I said, taking in her distress. “I know you can’t drink, but I got us sparkling cider to celebrate the news,” I added, placing my hand over her stomach, over our future.

  She instantly stepped back away from my touch as if it burned her. I shook my head in confusion, not understanding what I had done.

  “What’s wro—”

  “That’s why you did all of this.” She frantically looked around the apartment, her gaze not settling on one place for very long. “The clean apartment, the dinner?” She stared down at the table and then back up at me. “The realization, the future, the proposal, that’s the only reason you did all—”

  I stepped toward her, and she stepped back again. I cocked my head to the side, taken aback.

  “Baby, I’ve always wanted to marry you. What are you talking about? You’re not making any sense right now. I know the timing may seem wrong, but you know that’s not true. I love you, Briggs. Finding the ultrasound picture of our baby made me realize what the fuck I was doing. Knowing that a part of me is growing inside of you. Brought me clarity. Made me see what I needed to do. To stop fucking up. I would never put your life or our child’s in danger. You know that? You. Know. Me.”

  “No!” she yelled out, chucking the glass of sparkling cider that was in her hand at the wall behind me.

  Liquid and glass flew everywhere.

  “The fuck? Jesus Christ! You can’t be this upset that I found the ultras—”

  “No! Are you fucking blind? This is about you, not me! I don’t know you! I don’t know the man you have become, Austin! I’ve been living with a complete stranger for almost four years! My Austin is gone! The drugs took him away from me!” she screamed, shaking to the core with anger.

  I set my glass down on the table, putting my hands out in a surrendering gest
ure. I knew her emotions were running wild, that I had hurt her and she was just lashing out.

  “I know. Calm down. This isn’t good for the bab—”

  “THERE IS NO FUCKING BABY!” she screamed at the top of her lungs, falling to the floor, burying her head in her hands.

  Sobs consuming her entire body.

  I instantly stepped back, blown away by her words. A sense of loss settled over me. I didn’t know what she was talking about. I saw the ultrasound. I saw our baby with my own two fucked up eyes. I didn’t go to her. I didn’t comfort her. I started to pace back and forth, my hands roughly pulling at my hair, knowing that she was about to rip my fucking heart out.

  “What are you—”

  “Jesus, Austin… haven’t you seen me? When was the last time you really looked at me before today? I’ve barely been able to get off the couch because I’ve been recovering.”

  I grimaced, locking eyes with her. “Recovering? Recovering from what, Briggs? What the fuck have you been recovering from?”

  She placed her hand over her mouth, holding the truth in.

  “ANSWER ME!”

  She just sat there on the floor in front of me, drowning in her own misery and shook her head no. Not wanting to tell me, as if she didn’t tell me, if she didn’t say it out loud then it wasn’t true.

  She didn’t do it.

  “You killed my baby. Didn’t you?” I spewed, saying it for her. “Is that what you’re recovering from, Briggs? Killing our fucking child?!” I seethed, beyond livid, beyond reason or doubt.

  I couldn’t see straight. I wanted to scream. I wanted to punch something.

  How could she have done this to me?

  To us?

  She shook her head, getting up on her feet and narrowing her eyes at me.

  “NO! You don’t get to be the victim here, Austin! Have you seen our home? Have you seen what you’ve done to our goddamn home? What you’ve let inside our house? I would never bring a child into this world! Not in a million fucking years! You’re never fucking sober! What do you think would have happened to Molly? That little girl at the party if I hadn’t walked in here when I did? Huh? Tell me!”

  I scoffed. “That’s why you killed our baby? That’s your justification for killing my child? Without fucking telling me!” I violently roared.

  My fists clenched at my sides. My anger taking control, seeping out of my blood onto the woman that I thought I knew.

  “What about you, Briggs? Hmmm… even if I fucked up, you couldn’t have raised our kid? Are you that fucking cruel? You didn’t have to fucking kill it!”

  “Stop saying that,” she gritted out.

  “Stop saying what? The truth? What would you like me to stop saying? Because trust me, baby. I’m not even close to saying what I really fucking want right now.”

  “You want to talk about truths. How about this one? My parents died. Were killed in a car accident. Were taken away from me in the blink of an eye, and I had no control over it. Not one. Who took me in, Austin? Who raised me? In this life. In this godforsaken life! That little girl, Molly … her mom died too. You know who she was here with? You know who brought her to your party? Sat her down at a table full of drugs with junkies all around. Leaving her to fend for her goddamn self! HER FATHER! And you know who let it happen? YOU! Why? Because you were too fucked up to even care. That’s why! That’s fucking selfish! I would never be able to live with myself knowing that if anything were to happen to me, my child would be raised in this life by you! Or by my uncle! Do you understand me?” she paused to let her words sink in, raking me up and down with a look of disgust.

  “That’s why I did it. And it almost fucking killed me. I fucking hate myself for it. But where have you been, Austin? Because the man I fell in love with would have known that something was wrong with me! The second I walked through the fucking door. You would still be oblivious to my pain had you not found the ultrasound picture that I placed behind that picture. That picture is not us anymore, we are not that couple anymore. I’ve been living in hell, mourning the life I took away for six goddamn weeks, Austin, while you’ve been lost in your hazed world.”

  I took in everything she was saying.

  Every. Last. Word.

  “You say you don’t know me, Briggs. That I’m not the same man you fell in love with. Well, then, baby, that fucking makes two of us. I have no idea who you are either because the woman I love would have never killed our baby. I may be an addict, but at least I’m not a murderer,” I viciously spewed, regretting it immediately.

  Words could cut you open like knives, and I knew I just sliced away a huge part of her heart with what I said. I couldn’t take it back. As much as I wanted to, the damage was already done. I knew she would never forget my words, but I prayed to God that one day she would forgive them.

  Her hand was up in the air before I got the last word out. I caught it mid-air, tugging her toward me. She tried to break free, roughly pulling her arm away from my grasp. I grabbed her other arm, the momentum of her trying to fight me off made me unintentionally slam her against the wall.

  She winced but didn’t stop struggling.

  “Get the fuck out! Leave!” she yelled, whipping around.

  “Stop!” I argued. “Fucking stop! I don’t want to hurt you! Calm down! Calm the fuck down!” I ordered through a clenched jaw, trying to control her thrashing body.

  She slowly gave up, panting profusely. Her chest rising and falling with each second that passed between us. I leaned forward, our lips almost touching.

  “Why, Briggs? Why didn’t you fucking tell me? Why didn’t you give me a choice in the matter? It was my baby, too. I should have had a say. Why didn’t you give me that right? Why did you take that away from me?” I asked, needing to know.

  She opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out.

  “As much as it kills me to have said all those things to you, I won’t apologize for it, because at the end of the day our baby is gone. No excuses will take away the fact that you didn’t have the common decency to tell me. You made the decision for both of us. Like I didn’t even matter. Were you ever planning on telling me?”

  Her breathing hitched. By the look on her face, the answer was no.

  I peered deep into her eyes and breathed out, “You just killed a part of me that you will NEVER get back. That I will never get back.”

  I let her go, stepping away from her.

  She swallowed hard, her eyes watering, her lips quivering as if she knew what I just said was true. For the first time I didn’t want to comfort her, to hold her, tell her she was my girl, and that I loved her. Because for the first time…

  I was staring at a stranger and not the woman that I knew and loved. I finally understood what she meant when she said she didn’t know me. For years she kept saying that I had changed, that I had become another person, which only made me hate myself more because I knew I brought this on myself. I was the reason that she felt like she had no other choice. No other decision to be made.

  I. Did. This.

  That realization was my rock bottom...

  Or so I thought.

  “Austin…” she coaxed, reaching out for me.

  It was like she knew what I was going to do even before I did.

  I turned around and left.

  “Austin, please don’t do this. Please, don’t lose yourself again.” she begged as I opened the door, walking out of the apartment, not bothering to shut it.

  I wanted her to watch me walk out of her life. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but a part of me wanted to hurt her as much as she just hurt me.

  I drove around New York City for I don’t know how long. Time just seemed to standstill as the pain in my heart took over. There wasn’t one ounce of my body that didn’t yearn. That didn’t feel like it was dying. I had never felt so empty and hollow in all my life. But the underlying demons were waiting, always my companions, always sitting right next to me, waiting for the emotional devastatio
n to take over.

  So they could come out and play.

  I blinked and I was sitting on Jon’s couch, snorting line after fucking line. Trying to forget, trying to go numb, trying to block out the last twenty-four hours. But it wasn’t working. The pain was still alive and bleeding out of me, leaving nothing but destruction in its wake.

  “You want to forget, bro?” Jon asked, sensing my distress.

  My bloodshot eyes settled on the needle in his hand and then back up to his face. He was tightening the belt around my upper arm before I could even answer. Telling me to make a fist.

  I did.

  The second I felt the needle poke through my skin, I watched my despair fill the syringe with blood. And then… Jon pushed down the plunger.

  I kissed goodbye our baby.

  I kissed goodbye Briggs.

  I kissed goodbye Austin.

  Leaning my head back against the couch, letting the crave take over.

  The worst part was that I just kissed goodbye my future and everything I believed in.

  Briggs

  I went to the storage unit. Austin had left the key for me if I ever wanted to go there. I did. For the first time I came face to face with all my parents’ belongings. Trying to seek comfort and guidance. There was none to be found there. I decided to stop at a church on the way to the clinic, needing some sort of peace of mind. I’d never been in a church before, too afraid that all my sins would make the roof cave in on me. I didn’t even know if I was Catholic. At that point I didn’t care and it didn’t matter. I dipped one finger into the cold holy water, hoping it wouldn’t burn me and made the sign of the cross, like I’d seen in movies. One foot in front of the other, I walked toward the first pew of the empty cathedral, right before God. A man I didn’t even believe existed until that very second as I made my way into his house. The echo from my feet mimicked the sound of my heart beating against my ribs.

  I got down on my knees, crying, and praying for forgiveness for what I was about to do.