Crave Me

  “I know, Daddy. I love you, too,” she said as if she read my mind. “But it’s not your time yet. Mommy needs you now. Okay? So you need to wake up now. Do it for me, Daddy. Wake up for me…”

  Her last words faded into the distance and she was gone. Torn out of my grasp.

  I screamed, “NO!”

  Over and over again but no sound came out.

  My lips were moving to no avail.

  “No, baby, don’t leave me again. No, no, no, come back to me, baby girl. I’ll change. I swear I’ll change. Just come back to me. I don’t want to live in a world without my baby. God, fucking take me now. I’ve been punished enough. I’m so fucking sorry…”

  “AUSTIN! Please don’t do this to me! Wake up!” Briggs screamed.

  I slightly opened my eyes, the light blinding me immediately. My baby girl was gone. But the same pair of bright blue eyes were now staring down at me.

  “Babe, what the fuck?” I groaned out, my mouth dry as fuck.

  “Oh my God! You stopped breathing! You fucking stopped breathing!” she shouted too close to my face.

  Almost to the point of hysterics.

  “What? No… I just closed my eyes for a second. I must have fallen asleep. Where is she?” I whispered, my throat burned.

  “Are you fucking kidding me? I went to take a shower and when I came out, you weren’t fucking breathing, Austin! What did you take? What the fuck did you take? And who the hell are you talking about?”

  I shook my head, squeezing my temples.

  “Baby, my head is pounding, please stop screaming. I’m fine, okay? Look.” I opened my eyes, blinking away the fogginess to focus on her face. “See. I’m fine,” I repeated, closing my eyes again, unable to see her clearly.

  Hoping she would come back.

  My daughter.

  Our baby girl.

  “Jesus Christ, Austin. I think you just OD’ed. What if I hadn’t been here? What if—”

  “Briggs, I didn’t OD. Stop. I’m fine. I must have fallen into a deep sleep or something,” I reasoned, rubbing her leg as she sat next to me on the bed. “Relax,” I coaxed.

  “A deep sleep where you stop fucking breathing? Really? What the fuck kind of sleep is that?”

  “Oh my God, Briggs! Fuck! Cut this bullshit. I’m fucking fine. I’m breathing. I’m awake. My head is fucking pounding, so please just leave me alone.” I rolled away from her.

  I knew she was glaring at me even though my eyes were closed. She was overreacting. I was fine. I didn’t do anymore dope than I usually did. I just wanted to go to sleep.

  Our relationship had become strained over the last year or so. I was barely working anymore. Just disappearing more often than not. I didn’t know how hours turned into days, shit blended together more frequently. I loved Briggs but I couldn’t forgive her for what she had done, as much as I wanted to forget, as much as I tried to, and yet I couldn’t let her go. Feeling miserable with her was better than enduring life without her.

  “Baby, come here. I’m sorry. I’m just tired. Okay? I’m sorry… come here. I love you. Where’s my girl? Come here,” I coaxed, pulling her into my arms.

  She came effortlessly, she always did. It was like we both needed it, I needed to hold her as much as she needed to be held.

  I rolled to my side, tucking her against my body, pulling her in tight so we were one. She curled up in the nook of my arm, her face pressed against her favorite scar near my heart. I felt her softly kiss it as I kissed the top of her head.

  “I love you, Briggs. I love you more than anything. I would never intentionally hurt you. Tell me you know that.”

  I held her closer, tighter, wrapping her up with my legs, not just my arms. Coming in and out of consciousness, I was still so fucking tired, so fucking out of it. I thought I felt her crying or maybe I heard her, fuck… maybe I was imagining that too.

  I couldn’t tell the difference from reality or a dream anymore.

  “You’re my girl. You’ll always be my girl. No matter what,” I softly murmured, letting sleep and darkness take over.

  I dreamt all night of bright blue eyes, of our baby, of Briggs. Being happy, laughing, her smiling beautiful face as she held our daughter.

  Holding onto the illusion that it was real, that it wasn’t just a dream. That was the best part of my day, when I was high, lost in the fog where my mind would play tricks, showing me the life I wanted. The life I could have had. The one I promised Briggs. It was the only time I was happy. The only time I felt whole, the only time I was sober.

  The dreams in which I was a father, Briggs was my wife, we had a family…

  Those were the best dreams I ever had.

  I wasn’t spinning out of control, fading in and out of love again, broken beyond repair.

  I inhaled the smell of Briggs as I fell deeper into the spaces in between my drug-induced slumber and dreams. Feeling her run through my veins, my bloodstream, mixing with the demons that had taken over my body. She was floating inside me, etched so far into my soul.

  I woke up the next morning, immediately reaching for Briggs, patting the empty space beside me. She wasn’t there and my heart dropped, panic set in. My eyes instantly opened, sitting up looking for her.

  I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw her, sitting on the couch watching me.

  Our eyes locked.

  She looked like she hadn’t slept all night. Her memory blanket wrapped securely around her shoulders, her knees pressed against her chest with her arms wrapped tightly around them. Holding the blanket in place, like she was barricading herself in to feel safe.

  She looked so tiny.

  So scared.

  Her eyes were bloodshot red, tears streaming down her face. Like she hadn’t stopped crying all night.

  “Baby… come here—”

  She shook her head slowly, not breaking our eye contact.

  “You almost died last night. You OD’ed, Austin.”

  “I didn’t OD—”

  “How would you know? You were practically dead. You stopped fucking breathing.”

  “Briggs, stop. I’m fine. Look.” I lifted my hands in the air. “I’m alive. Nothing happened,” I reasoned with her, pulling the covers off of me.

  Her eyes widened with a crazed expression I’d never seen before. I got out of bed, walking over to her.

  She put her hands out in the air stopping me. “Get dressed.”

  I cocked my head to the side. “What?”

  “Get dressed, Austin. I’ll be waiting in the car.”

  With that she got up and left. It was almost as if she needed to leave or else she wouldn’t go through with what the hell she was thinking.

  “The fuck?” I said out loud as I watched her walk out the door.

  It wasn’t like I could have gone after her. I was in my damn boxers.

  My head was still fucking throbbing. No matter how many times I rolled my head around, popping my neck, it still fucking hurt. I made my way into the bathroom. Taking down four Oxys to help with the splitting pain. I threw on a pair of jeans and a black t-shirt. Grabbing a Red Bull from the fridge on my way out the door.

  She was sitting in the driver seat, staring blankly out in front of her. Lost in thought. Not even acknowledging me as I got in the car. I lit up a cigarette and downed the drink in my hands in one gulp. I was finally starting to feel somewhat fucking normal.

  The pills were finally kicking in.

  “Baby, where are—”

  She reached for my hand, holding it tightly in her grasp before placing it on her lap. As if she needed to feel my touch.

  My warmth.

  I’d never seen her like that. She was starting to scare me. I wanted to talk to her, to ask what was going on, but something told me she wouldn’t have answered. There was no getting through to her. She had fallen down a hole that I had never been down before.

  I chain-smoked the entire drive to God knows where. When she got off at the Brooklyn Bridge exit, I really didn
’t know where the fuck we were going. She parked the car on the side of the road once we hit the bridge. Swinging her door open and getting out of the car before I even said a word.

  I followed close behind her as we walked up the pathway. She stopped when we reached the arches and it hit me. I had passed this bridge hundreds of times and never noticed what those arches symbolized. But seeing Briggs stand under them, it was the first fucking time I saw the angel wings within the arches above her head, mimicking the angel wings on her back.

  “Baby, what the fuck is—”

  Her intense glare over the edge of the railing made me stop talking. I watched with a captivated stare, wanting to know what the hell she was thinking. What the hell was going on in her mind…

  I watched in horror as she stepped up onto the railing. I lunged into action, roughly grabbing her around the waist, spinning her to the ground in front of me.

  I immediately pulled away needing to look at her.

  “What the fuck are you doing? Are you on—”

  She pushed me away from her. I stumbled back more from the unexpected shove than the force of her moving me.

  She looked back over the edge and I swear to God I was ready to tackle her to the goddamn ground if she tried to step on the railing again. Instead, she peered back at me with a penetrating glare that resonated deep within my bones.

  “What is going on in that beautiful mind of yours?” I asked, needing to know before she hurt herself.

  She slowly stepped back and I quickly stepped forward, gripping onto her waist, tugging her toward me. Our faces were now a foot apart. I could feel her rapid heart beating against my chest, vibrating against my entire body.

  Shaking me to my core.

  She looked deep into my eyes and asked, “You want to die, Austin?”

  My eyes widened in shock. Hers filled up with fresh tears as she continued, “Well then, here’s your chance. Jump. Stand on the ledge and fucking jump.”

  She shook her head. Tears now falling down her devastated face.

  “I won’t stop you,” she added.

  I jerked back from the impact of her words, from what she was saying to me.

  Letting her go.

  She didn’t falter, stepping toward.

  Roaring with execution, “Fucking jump, Austin, if you want to die. Because I can’t watch you kill yourself slowly anymore.”

  Briggs

  We stood on the bridge staring at each other for a second, possibly a few minutes, maybe several hours. Time seemed to blend together as much as his drugs did.

  I was the first to break the silence.

  “Austin, I'm fucking exhausted. You have no idea what I go through every single day in this life with you. I don’t remember when I had a good night’s sleep. You disappear for days at a time. I don’t know whether you’re alive or dead in an alley somewhere. Every bad thought runs through my head. I question everything. Especially, what the fuck I’m still doing here trying to save a man that obviously doesn’t want to be saved. I sit here putting my life on hold, waiting for you to walk through that damn door or worse, the cops knocking to tell me you’re dead,” I paused to let my words sink in.

  “But you know what I keep telling myself… the man that’s standing in front of me right now is already dead, so why should I fucking worry myself sick.”

  “Briggs—”

  “I’m tired of you punishing me, Austin, for making the only choice I could.”

  “I would have straightened out if you would have given me the chance. You saw me after I found the ultrasound photo. I would have stopped using the moment you told me. I would have been the man that you fell in love with. I would have—”

  “For how long, Austin? How long until things got scary and you found solace in your drugs again?”

  His eyes glazed over, understanding what I said.

  “And what if I died, Austin? It happens everyday, all around us. What if something happened to me? Would you relapse or would you stay clean for our baby? Would you be the man that takes our child to a drug party? Huh? Leaving him or her at a table to fend for herself? Tell me, since you have clearly proven that you can’t handle emotional distress. You numb—”

  “That’s not true,” he said through a clenched jaw.

  “Really? What part? What happened after you found out about what I did? Is that not enough proof for you? You ran straight for the drugs, only this time it was the worst kind. How about Savannah’s funeral? How fucked up were you for that? Hmm? Want more? How about since your car accident?”

  “I was taking pain pills for my back,” he gritted out.

  I scoffed, “Ten to what? Thirty a day? How many do you have to take for your back not to hurt, Austin?”

  His eyes widened, taken aback.

  “You’ve been numbing your pain since you were eighteen. It’s been ten years. Ten fucking years, Austin! It’s all that you know anymore. Now, tell me… how would you deal with something happening to me? What is the first thing you would do? What is the first thing you would turn to?”

  He opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out. Not one word. He reached his hand up to rub the back of his neck, looking away from me.

  “Exactly. Let me see how accurately my guess is. I think you’d let our kid stay with my uncle when you decided you needed to go on a binge. He’d be the perfect babysitter, seeing as you don’t talk to your friends or family at all. Or you’d skip the babysitter all together and be like Molly’s dad. Subjecting our child to drugs. You’re still dealing. Working for my uncle. Not as much because you’ve become a goddamn junkie. The life you promised me, the reason that you started doing this in the first place… is long gone. So, you tell me? What fucking choice did I have?”

  His chest was rising and falling with every word that left my mouth, battling against his own reality. The wind picked up at that moment, causing chills to run throughout my body.

  “I’m done having you punish me. The burden I’m already carrying is more than I will ever be able to bear. Ever,” I stated, accenting the last word. “I love you, Austin, but I can't watch you kill yourself. It’s the drugs or it’s me. You can’t have both anymore. It’s your choice. Your only choice. But if you don’t choose me, then fucking jump off this ledge because all you’re doing is prolonging the inevitable.”

  It literally killed me to say that to him. I stood there on pins and needles, waiting for my entire life that was standing before my eyes, to choose me.

  To choose his girl.

  His Heaven instead of his Hell.

  His internal struggle was written clear across his tormented expression. He swallowed hard turning to walk over to the railing, and for a split second I thought I was going to watch the love of my life jump to his fate. His hands tightly gripped the wires as if they had all the answers for him.

  “You don’t fucking get it, Daisy. It’s the only time I see her,” he rasped.

  He hadn’t called me that since he learned the truth of what I did. My heart soared for the first time in a year.

  “See who, Austin?”

  “Our baby.”

  “What are—”

  “When I found out… that night…” he stuttered, not being able to say it. “I saw her. Through the haze. She was there. She has your eyes, Briggs. Your dad’s eyes. The only time I see her is when I stick a needle in my arm,” he scoffed out.

  “Oh my God,” I breathed out.

  He bowed his head, releasing a deep sigh. “I’m scared, baby. I’m so fucking scared,” he confessed, looking at the traffic below us.

  I immediately went to him, turning his body around to face me. Grabbing the sides of his face so he would look at me, like he had done so many times to me.

  “I don’t know how to not be high anymore. It’s who I am now, Daisy. I don’t want to stop seeing our baby girl either.”

  “I’ll be there every step of the way. We will do this together. I promise I won’t leave your side.”
r />   “When I’m high I get to see the life we could have had. The life I promised you. It’s the only time I’m happy. It’s the only time I don’t feel the guilt over everything that’s become of us. Everything I’ve done. The hurt and pain I’ve caused you.”

  “I know. I’m scared too, Austin. But I know in my heart.” I placed my hand over the scar near his heart. “I know you’re still in here. Buried deep within the pain that you keep masking with the drugs. The excuses you’re making to continue on your downward spiral, that’s only going to lead you nowhere but six feet under. I don’t want that. Please… don’t make me bury someone else I love. Please… don’t leave me alone. I need…” I said, my voice breaking. “We can make that dream a reality without the drugs… We can still have that life.”

  “What if I’m not that person anymore? What if the man that you love so fucking much is gone, baby? What if I can’t reach deep enough to find him anymore?”

  “I love every single part of you. The good and the bad. Do you hear me?”

  “I’m sorry, Daisy. I know I say it all the fucking time. But I’m so fucking sorry. For everything I have put you through. You’re still the only thing that matters to me.”

  “No. I’m not. Your drugs are, but that’s why I brought you here. To save you.”

  “I hate myself. I hate what I’ve done to us. To you. To our love. I hate that I made you feel like you didn’t have a choice when you got pregnant. Having a baby, a family, a life with you… it’s all I’ve ever wanted. I don’t know how I lost my way. I don’t know how the drugs took over. I ask myself that every single day with no answers, with no excuses. I have nothing but the syringe that I keep injecting into my arms. Chasing the dragon down the rabbit hole that only takes me further and further away from you. It just takes away the pain.”

  “Austin, I can’t help you unless you want to be helped. I can’t do this for you.”

  “I can’t lose you. I’m nothing without you.” He caressed the side of my cheek, and I leaned into his embrace.

  Soaking up his warmth.

  His love.

  His truth.

  That I hadn’t felt in so long.

  “I don’t want to go to rehab. I just need you. That’s all. I can do this at home with you by my side.”