Strange Lives of Black Folks

  Chapter Three

  Gwen’s Life

  Her wrinkles were traces of many regrets. The thought of dying was no longer an idea to avoid. It now brings solace to the act. When you have lived as she has, one recognizes truth. What was once a horrible picture was now something to embrace. Living in loneliness was a slow death that brought no peaceful returns.

  She dedicated her life to her family and hoped to one day see the results. Her husband died when she was pregnant with their third child. She never remarried. She raised her children, one boy and two girls, with little help from others. She often left them home alone while she worked.

  None of her children were very outgoing, which caused a unique bond between the siblings. They needed only each other. Daryl was her oldest child and a disappointment to her expectations. He struggled to maintain passing grades in private school. After three years without excelling, his mother decided to put him back into public school. She could not risk her livelihood on something not guaranteed.

  As an adult he lacked the confidence in himself to become the success that she always envisioned. Yet he became a hard worker who made a decent living as a truck driver. Knowing that this would never be enough for his mother, he avoided her looks of discontent as much as possible.

  He eventually married and had two children of his own. The children spoke frequently on the phone with their grandmother, but rarely visited, even though they only lived a few blocks away.

  Mirror was the middle child. Her name was validated whenever mother and daughter were together. She was the replica of her mom. They not only looked alike but talked, laughed, and walked alike as well. They also shared an identical scarlet birthmark right above the right cheek. It became less visible on Mirror as time passed. And without it, their obvious connection was overlooked.

  Unlike most middle children, attention was never an issue for Mirror. Her mother found new hope in her as years passed. She quickly gave Mirror the role that once belonged to Darryl. But like Darryl, Mirror had problems of her own. The subtle pressure from her mother caused her to drink heavily. Mirror used her drinking as a tool. She felt that it would be more excusable than the sexual desires that plagued her. Her drinking continued even when she became pregnant. What was unknown to her during the time of her drinking, were the effects this would have on her unborn child.

  From an infant to toddler-age, Jacoby displayed abnormal behavior. As he got older both Mirror and the child knew that something was not quite right, but words were never spoken. They struggled with each other incessantly. She often questioned herself as to why she even had the child. And he didn’t understand himself or the strange relationship he had with his mother. She was confronted with the problems of her child daily but dealt with it with ignorance. No longer able to ignore the indifference, all that the child had left in him was resentment. At the tender age of thirteen he viciously attacked his mom, which resulted in juvenile imprisonment and a scar across Mirror’s neck. The feelings of shame and embarrassment caused Mirror to distance herself from the family. The distance also gave Mirror the opportunity to freely explore an alternative lifestyle without judgment. Once her mother took notice of the destiny Mirror chose, she let her go.

  Aura was the youngest and more promising of the three. Yet her mother expectations for all of her children ceased. Observing the mistakes of her brother and sister, Aura conceded that her best bet was to get away from her mother as soon as possible. She became obsessed with the idea of leaving home. She took advantage of the first opportunity that would endorse her hopes. The military presented such an opportunity. Right after high school Aura joined the Air Force. It did not take long for her to meet a potential husband. During her first overseas assignment she met Hassan. He was a Muslim that she met while in Saudi Arabia. She embraced the transition. Islam quickly became her way of life.

  The military lifestyle lost its’ appeal, so Aura decided to take an unauthorized leave from the Air Force. After serving only two of her five years she clandestinely moved to Egypt. Starting a family of her own became her next obsession. Because of her devotion to Islam her priorities soon changed. Initially she sought redemption for her siblings. They used to be her sole source of motivation. Muslims were now her family and any dedication to her blood relatives were secondary. However, because of her duty as a Muslim, she often discussed Islam with them; in hopes of inspiring them to see a better way of life. After several attempts to convince her mother to convert and join her in Egypt, Aura, Kadijah respectfully, finally gave up. Although the guilt of never seeing her family bothered her at first she soon realized that it would be best- knowing the conflict each visit would bring.

  Never the type to interfere with her children’s choices, her mother decided to let her go as well. She never outwardly expressed her feelings towards her children, but it was easily felt. Each one knew where they stood and when they fell.

  It had been years since she heard from any of her children and she didn’t know who was to blame. After years of living alone and without a purpose, she knew there was nothing left of her or for her. Laughter, love, and tears had all abandoned her, leaving her with only the relentless voices of regret. It followed her through every spotless room in the house. She maintained her house as well as she maintained her children or at least she thought. There were no clear signs of rebellion. It, too, acted according to her desires, at least for a while. It stood as a symbol of her subtle power but now it had a voice. Every tainted thought was magnified. Through each mirror in the house a reflection of betrayal appeared.

  All the time she had to reflect formed an incurable disease created by years of mounting loneliness. She appeared much older than her actual age of sixty-six. Her curved spine was her testament to years of work she put in for her children. The distorted hands she once used to wash their clothes and bath them surrendered to time. Yet she always found a reason to live through all of those physical ailments. But this new disease held no explanation. After years of abandoning her own health there was no one left to accommodate. The pain of anxiety became unbearable. She wanted to save her last two pills for later that night when the pain seemed to awaken in anger, but that wait proved to be too long. It was only mid-afternoon but she had hoped the effects of the pills would allow her to sleep through the night. She rocked herself back and forth in the chair and fell asleep within the hour. The pain persisted. Then she remembered how relaxing alcohol made her feel that one time. Perhaps it will help her now too. And it did.

  A week had passed before Darryl finally found her still sitting in the chair. The years she spent sitting up in the rocking chair to avoid the confrontation of death was all in vain. It would be where she would take her last breath. Perhaps she would have it no other way. Her final grimacing frown was evidence that it was not a peaceful transition. The last of her dignity and pride, too, had left.

  Daryl drove by the house several times for two weeks prior to her death. Recent moments of concern began to surface within him. He felt pity for a woman who chose loneliness over love, pride over comfort, indifference over concern, control over a peace of mind, and agony over agony. Only two times did he muster up enough courage to ring the bell. When she didn’t answer it never occurred to him that something could be wrong. It was typical of her to ignore the irritating sounds of humanity. Seeing a light on in the house often brought him comfort in his mom’s safety. But now he remembered what he had seen days before as he drove pass the house after work. He noticed from the lighting of her bedroom a figure sitting at the window in the dark of the night with the shades still open. It didn’t occur to him then but now he knew that his mother would never expose her vulnerability so blatantly to the world.

  Darryl took care of the funeral arrangements including locating his siblings. Sadness was felt by each child when they came to bid farewell to their mom and to formally say goodbye to each other.

  For years, the detachment from his siblings did not
seem to bother Darryl, but regret would not suffice. He was the oldest and felt responsible for allowing the tradition of his mother to continue. However, that sense of responsibility did not prevail. After a few feeble attempts at a sibling reunion, he knew that they were too engulfed in their own lives to be bothered by potential discomfort. And casual politeness was too exhausting of a task. Without saying a word, they mutually agreed not to disturb the life each of them now lived. In their own way they were free.

  As for their mother, she was never free and that’s why she’s here with the rest of you.

  “Now that you see how your life affected others what would you have done differently?”

  “I would have expressed my love to my children in the way that they needed me to not how I saw fit. I realized early on in my life, through the death of my husband, that we are alone in this world. I allowed that to prevent me from loving altogether to protect myself from hurt and disappointment. It simply numbed me and that was no way to live. Having emotions and showing affection towards people is a precious thing. We are physical creatures and sometimes love needs to be expressed physically. I should not have assumed that they knew I loved them simply because I was their mother. People need to feel that they are special. We all know how we would personally like to feel and there is no better joy than treating others in that same manner. Don’t be careless with people’s feelings.

  “Basically, you are saying treat others the way you want to be treated?”

  “Not only that. It’s important not to base any relationship solely on the way someone treats you for they may have ulterior motives. Observe the way they treat others not just family and friends but strangers as well. We should try not to justify our cruel or rude behavior by claiming that it is just who I am.” Unless you like hurting people, consider changing who you are if your words or actions hurt people. If the truth hurts more than it helps what use is it? People want to know that their life means something to someone. As long as this is expressed to them in a sincere manner most will have a positive response. When an avenue to their soul is established their goodness will be exposed. The answer is so simple- treat others not only the way you want but also how you would want your loved ones treated. Look into the eyes of all children and see your child, niece or nephew. See that stranger as your brother or sister. View the old lady crossing the street as your grandmother. Lastly, see that homeless person as yourself, without judgment.

  The truth is that we are not created equal. Thus some of us need more help than others. Some of us need to work collectively and reject individualism. Yes, we are born equally as important as anyone else. We are also born with the ability to reach our full potential. However, many of us are not given the opportunity to reach the desires of the universe. The unique circumstances we are born into makes a clear distinction between whose life matters in this world and which ones don’t. Those who are deemed worthy are given more opportunities in life. This doesn’t mean that it is impossible for disadvantaged groups to reach their full potential. It just means that they will have more obstacles to face and instead of opportunities coming to them they have to fanatically search for and create their own opportunities.

  During the tragedy in New Orleans I asked myself what good could come out of this. And all I could come up with was a new day brings hope to the survivors. Now they are forced out of their comfort zone of living in poverty. Sometimes a change in location is all one need to get motivated. Change can bring upon new possibilities for parents and their children.

  “Is it possible that people are just too stressed out with their own problems to care?”

  We cannot allow our environment to define or mold us. The fact that our location challenges us makes it possible for us to learn valuable lessons. We may look at the ghetto as a place of damnation but it is crucial that we grasp the importance of why we are here. We are meant to work together but only a few understand this. It is ignorance that is preventing progression within our community. The people within these neighborhoods do not realize there is a better way to live. They believe that this is just the way things are. And those with the financial and educational resources to make changes in this community don’t care. They do not care because it does not appear to directly affect them, but it affects everyone.

  “There is a divine reason that some people are born into certain situations?”

  We have to recognize the point of being put on earth and into our specific circumstances. There are many forms of death. It is an ending to something, but it is also forgetfulness, forgetting who we are. We must remember who we are and why we are here. The abundant amount of suffering souls surrounding us should make clear our purpose – to remember who we are. We must be willing to embrace every aspect of our people without the fear of embarrassment. It is this fear and embarrassment that is our downfall. We don’t want to help certain individuals because we feel it represents the worst of who we are. Many of us want to ignore what we perceive to be in line with the stereotypes. But the only way we can really live out our full potential is to do it collectively. What good is success without having others to share it with? Too many of us are forced to the wayside. Our job is to empower them and bring them back up so they can be productive citizens.

  “Why are some people embarrassed about where they came from?

  They are embarrassed because of the way people within their own race speak and act. Their behavior is not conducive to the European way of life that most blacks have learned to assimilate and admire. So to see others act in a certain way, especially around whites, make them feel exposed. They see the brother expressing himself via his clothing or his language, as an ignorant person and a reflection on the race. (The ghetto has its own voice and language. We should not be afraid or embarrass by it. It is ours. Clearly we established our own dialect, words, and use of traditional words because we never felt comfortable speaking this still foreign language that was imposed on us, but we continue to make the best of it. The truth is that many of us ,who are aware, feel like imposters when we master the language and accept the lifestyle of our oppressors. Our soul speaks another language and long for its use. This is why we constantly form our own words and own definitions because it knows that the one forced upon us is not ours. Through concentrated effort some of us have managed to master the art of this foreign language, but it didn’t come naturally. It is not our native tongue. Therefore many of us may struggle with it. So we make the best out of it in the best way we know how, by creating our own sublanguage. This is how many languages are formed. Ebonics is an example of our creativity. Those that are embarrassed by our need to create need to ask themselves why. Who are we trying to impress? Or are we trying to ignore a part of who we are? This is not to say that we shouldn’t master this language because we should overcome all barriers that are presented to us. But don’t belittle someone because of their verbal expression.)

  “Is your message exclusively for blacks?”

  “I am talking specifically about blacks but this goes for any group of people who may find themselves in this predicament. We could easily become what we hate and despise. We do not want to see the vulnerability that lies within us all. We cannot continue to run from our brothers and sisters in their time of need. Many have stated that people are poor because they make poor decisions. If this is the case then those of us so inclined to make better choices should choose to uplift humanity. By becoming fisher of men we all become self- sufficient and need not rely on anyone or any organization forever.

  It is not entirely the fault of the drug addict, drug dealer, thief, or homeless person. With every circumstance there is a story behind it. We have to look at the role of an unjust society and what we do or choose not to do to remedy the problem in the system. If we choose to avoid looking at the situation of our brothers and sisters, we are not helping our community and if we are not helping we are indeed hindering it. Nobody is beyond help and as long as you are breathing it is never too late.
It is not how you lived your life it is how you end the journey that is important.

  There is a force in everyone that long for better days. We must believe that every day brings us closer to that better day. We have to live with a sense of urgency as if every move shapes our success or failure. We must bring that sense of urgency out of ourselves and out of others. Those that can help better our situation but choose not to must be held accountable. For example, our idleness regarding the mentally ill, specifically paranoid schizophrenics, will eventually come back to haunt us. These are human beings with amazing intellectual capacity. They see things we do not, thus having creativity we could only imagine. But they are suffering with mental anguish We don’t know what to do so we choose to do nothing. We have to discontinue the thought pattern that allows an easy excuse to get out of our responsibilities. Instead of distancing ourselves from the negative aspects of our community we need to actively find and implement long-term solutions. The solution begins with deprogramming our minds. The solution to our problems, thus society’s problem is not prescription pills, incarceration, pr being a slave to the system. The solution is freedom. Freedom from all of the above.

 

  Everyone has obstacles that they must overcome. I saw life for what it was for me at the time, a series of pain, especially for those within the ghetto. The environment was an obstacle that I should have tackled. My thoughts could have changed the world instead I allowed my circumstances to have the final word. I should have been a leader in my community; instead I lived in fear for my children. I was supposed to let that fear motivate me to help others. There is nothing to fear if you live the life set out for you. It is the life that you decide to take on, one that makes you happy and fulfilled. You decide that as you learn, grow, and understand yourself. You will then know what is best for you. And then there comes a time to set it in motion. Take everything into consideration when trying to discover your purpose (where you were born, who you parents are, the other people in your life, and how you would want to empower them or the role you play in their lives) Begin to play close attention to the events, good or bad, that occur in your life. It is leading you somewhere. All elements are leading you to your passion. No matter what your fate will find you and be prepared when it does. If you are not prepared it will consume you, but if you are prepared the world opens and you understand everything in its simplest form.

  I truly wanted the best for everyone, but as time passed hoped dwindled. Passivity grew and became a form of weakness. Weakness can have detrimental side effects, which may benefit the forces working against us. Many moments in my life required me to take a stand but I refused. I became stubborn and ignored whatever was going on around me. It is imperative to take a stand whenever the need exists. If you don’t stand for something you will fall for anything. You will believe anything that anybody tells you because you didn’t seek truth for yourself. When the truth finally hits you it will be too late to respond effectively.

  Know what your weaknesses are and make the most out of them. Do the opposite of what you really want to do-leave outside your comfort zone. If you find that you lack leadership skills, start small and seek out leadership roles. If you are a jealous person and that jealousy causes you to react harshly towards an individual do the opposite of what it tells you to do. If it tells you not to speak to someone, speak! It is not being phony. It is defeating your weaknesses and taking control of your life. Your weaknesses can stifle you in so many ways. It can prevent you from establishing necessary relationships with people who can help you reach your goal.

  “How do we begin to help our community?”

  I would suggest beginning with people who are already in your life, like your family. I know it can be the most challenging situation to deal with because of the emotions already built up within us, but we must see pass our frustrations. Since we were born under the same circumstances as our brother or sister we do not understand why they put themselves in certain predicaments. But people aren’t as strong as we would like them to be. Want more for them than they want for themselves. People handle pain differently. There may be events that happened to both of you but only you were able to overcome them. Also, people may have treated them differently all their lives because they were not charming enough or they didn’t put out the right energy to attract people. So it is difficult to compare experiences even if they appear to be the same. Really, it is pointless to compare human tragedies. Hurt is hurt but some people are able to get over theirs easier.

  Many of us are willing to help a detached stranger rather than a struggling sibling. It is too easy to give money to a homeless person as a testament to your good deeds, but it takes time and effort to fight for those that you think you understand. We must have compassion and understand that we are products of our environment, but not victims of it. Those with a true listening ear should know what they are supposed to be doing. Our lives, the souls of the ghetto, were specifically designed with others in mind. Most of us feel that obligation to the universe, which is why we feel discomforted whenever we pass by a homeless person or a drug addict without offering help. We must adhere to these feelings before we become aloof to their condition. We cannot continue to pacify the situation either with monetary goods.

  “There are many people that need help. You can walk pass several people in one day and then you will see them again the next day. Are we not to turn anyone down? Where do we draw the line?”

  I’m not suggesting that you save the world but do what you can when you can. To show people that you love them should not be that exhausting of a task if you are committed to love. Find the method that works best for you. If you have to set boundaries and say I will only give to women stay true to your conviction. If you say I will only give to the first person I see let that be your boundary. Just do something. A nice thought is nothing unless you put it into action. Letting an injured soul know that they are still cared about is the first step. This is unconditional love that has no agenda other than working for love sake. It is what everyone desires. Begin with the small acts that mean a lot. Give someone a hug when you see him. Take time to listen to a person and offer advice, if appropriate. You can support someone without supporting his or her habits. Action is all it takes to set the thought in motion with a chain of events to follow.

  “But suppose you spend all this time trying to help others and don’t get a positive result. It would be all for nothing.”

  The time and energy that is put into saving someone’s soul will never be in vain regardless of the outcome. Even if a person dies without conquering the demons of the ghetto (drugs, crime, etc.) her final defining moment maybe when she recognize the unconditional love and support she was given to her by someone like you. This moment might be where that love is embraced and gives her the peace of mind she needs upon leaving earth. Sometimes we may not realize how much we were loved, even if it is just by one person, until we reach our end. Then it will make sense. We may not see the results of our love and support that we gave to someone but the soul of the person will eventually recognize it. Therefore, if that person does not convey her gratitude, it should not prevent you from doing what you were here to do. You must still do the right thing.

  There are those who are in a position where they can really help the lives of their brothers and sisters and choose not to. They are the ones who feel no responsibility to their own. It angered me to see such notable figures as Oprah Winfrey, Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods, Colon Powell, and Bill Cosby not taking responsibility. They have the power and the ability to save an entire nation and either don’t care or don’t realize it. It doesn’t matter to them that once they die their monetary gains will be useless. They are blind. All that they see is their own success and ignore the greater possibilities. Their money can employ thousands of minorities while improving communities. Magic Johnson has found the magic touch. It is a win-win situation if your heart is in the right place.

  I later concl
uded that I couldn’t judge those individuals whom I think should take on leadership roles and responsibilities. I looked at Oprah and the others successes expecting them to become leaders in the black community. We cannot rely on anyone but us; those people within the community are the ones who should take on responsibility because it is where they live not Oprah, Cosby, or Jordon. If they haven’t taken on responsibility we cannot force it on them. Perhaps it is not up to them to make those changes. We cannot judge them based on their success. Money moves people for ominous reasons. Money makes life easier, but it does not guarantee permanent improvement and prosperity. We focus on what other people can do instead of what we can do to better our own situation.

  I remember writing Oprah Winfrey once detailing exactly how I felt about individuals who don’t tackle the problems facing our community when they have the voice, intellect, and power to make significant changes. I will share the contents of that letter, which I never took time to mail.