Everybody vs The Ferret 1: Give Me Your Pickle

Billy, Jack, Sandy, Candy, Molly and Tia sit with nine other students in Miss Ferguson’s classroom. Miss Ferguson is a peach. All of her students describe her as sweet, and the other teachers refer to her as a soft touch.

  Billy, still dressed as Cher, glances across the room at Candy who stares back with a love struck look on her face. Billy turns away from Candy, scared.

  Ferret looks in through the glass in the door to the classroom. Billy is surprised to see Ferret and immediately raises his hand.

  “Miss Ferguson, can I go to the bathroom?” Billy asks.

  “Whatever you want, Cher.”

  “Miss Ferguson, you don’t have to keep calling me that.” Billy looks at Miss Ferguson who gives a confused look back. “Ah, never mind.”

  Billy gets up and exits to the hallway. Billy and Ferret step away from the door.

  “I don’t know what you’re doing here, but your plan isn’t working,” Billy complains.

  “It wasn’t my plan. And I beg to differ. It seems to be working all too well.”

  Ferret points back at the classroom door. Billy turns around to find Candy pressing her face up against the glass. When Candy sees Billy turn toward her, she presses her prepubescent chest up to the glass.

  “Yeah, well, that’s the problem.” Billy turns back toward Ferret. “But still, what are you doing here?”

  “I just came to warn you that your parents heard about all of the games you’ve been playing with the girls and your parents are coming down here to turn you all into little Michael Jacksons.”

  “What?! Oh, no! That’s horrible!”

  “Did you know that Michael still had a long and healthy career in spite of his deformity?”

  “I don’t want to be a Michael Jackson. What are we gonna do?”

  “Well, the PA system is in the dean’s office, and the dean is out gathering a mob to come get you. So...”

  “Oh, I know what I have to do.” Realizing that he will have to disobey the school rules and break into the dean’s office, he lowers his head in resignation. “Oh, crappers!”

  With Ferret behind him, Billy heads toward the dean’s office. With the door unlocked, Billy enters and stands in front of the PA mic.

  “Attention all kids who live on Miller Avenue,” Billy begins.

  Back in his classroom, Candy and all of Billy’s classmates look up at the speaker.

  “Our parents are on their way to school to turn us all into Michael Jacksons.”

  Tia stands up in a panic. “OH GOD NO!”

  “If you don’t want to become a Michael Jackson, run for your lives. I repeat, run for your lives. That is all.”

  The entire class quickly turns to Miss Ferguson. She concedes. “Yes class, you may run for your lives.”

  Candy immediately jumps up onto her desk. “You heard Cher. Everybody, run for your lives.”

  At once, all of the kids except two run out of Miss Ferguson’s class. Dozens of kids filter out of their classrooms into the hallway. Once in the hall, the kids run out onto the playground and then toward the woods.

  The mob of parents pulls up to the front of the school with the Michael Jackson device. It is a menacing looking machine on tractor wheels. The machine has large mechanical crab claws coming from either side of it. The contraption continuously repeats Michael Jackson’s famous singing chant “AH-HEE-HEE.”

  The parents run up to their kids’ class. Molly’s mom, Lady, leans into the room. “Miss Ferguson, do you know where our kids are?”

  “Cher made an announcement about being turned into Michael Jacksons and they went running in fear.”

  The parents look back at Candy’s dad who is still dressed as Cher.

  “Don’t look at me. I’ve been with you the entire time.”

  Ferret joins the parents.

  “Where could they possibly have gone?” Molly’s mom continues.

  Ferret speaks up. “Did you know that when a hoard of scared children flees their school, they usually head for the forest?”

  Molly’s mom turns to Ferret and then addresses the group. “Everybody, to the forest.”

  The parents run off.

  *****

  Chapter 7