Troll Brother

  ~~~

  At the troll king’s banquet table the boys were offered a number of items they found familiar…and a few they did not. Robert had never seen a whole roasted pig, although he’d see it in cartoons and few television shows or movies. Still it was surprising when the serving trolls waddled out, two on either end of the giant serving platter, carrying a hog nearly five times larger than Robert thought pigs ever grew. And then he started wondering, where would they have gotten this pig? There were some farms that might potentially house pigs along with the cattle and horse in the neighboring valleys of the Rocky slopes on which both his family and apparently a whole society of trolls lived. But it still seemed a little out of place. Hogs were more common back at their old home in Iowa, rather than the very heart of western cowboy country.

  Some potatoes, cauliflower, broccoli and several other vegetables all arrived in heaping and steaming piles. With a bite the boys soon found that troll food was generally only seasoned by salt. But even at that, the fact that they even cooked, let alone had access to such a variety of foods buried in the mountain as they were. It would not be until later that Summer when Ricky had opportunity to learn more about how far the trolls’ world extended into the human world that they would understand. For the time being, having trekked up the mountain all morning, the boys were just grateful for a break and some warm food.

  The guards who had been with the king dispersed themselves about the room, apparently to keep an eye on the group from a tactical location. A few other trolls of various sizes, one or two of which are also apparently female trolls sat to join them, but the king had the two boys sit at either side of him and the queen at the head of the table. Kile and Scrimp sat next to them. The boys initially picked timidly at the food and awaited their hosts to see how they were expected to behave, even little Ricky. There were no forks, knives or spoons. By observing, Robert realized that anything needing a spoon was generally served in a bowl-shaped, rough looking piece of serving-ware and everything else was ingested by way of giant, grasping hands. There was only one knife upon the table and it was huge. One of the chef trolls used it for slicing off very large chunks of ham.

  “Will this suit you, young humans?” Queen Isabel asked.

  Robert attempted to be very gracious, like when his parents instructed him on how to behave at a formal military dinner which they had attended two Christmas’ earlier. “Yes, your majesty. It’s very good.”

  Ricky was more open. “It’s great! Our mom never cooks ham like this!”

  The queen smiled in return. Kile, who was sitting next to Robert, nudged him just a bit with his elbow to catch his attention and when Rob looked gave him a quick nod and smile. Robert was beginning to suspect Kile was taking ownership of the two boys and trying to make sure they maintained a good impression through the dinner.

  Scrimp on the other hand merely reached into the serving area and grabbed a great chunk of meat from the hind area of the hog. He took a couple great bites and when he was left with a few dangly strands of meat and gristle he looked briefly at little Ricky next to him and tossed it in front of the boy. Ricky in turn giggled and then grabbed and gobbled up the scrap. The queen produced a white handkerchief (which was more the size of a bath towel in Rob’s mind) and wiped her chin smiling at the display. Scrimp seemed to think it was terribly amusing that the little human boy wasn’t repulsed as he thought he would be and laughed a deep baritone laugh along with him. He gave him a pat on the back, and Ricky, having tried to gulp down the meat like Scrimp had, nearly choked, laughing the whole time. Bits of ham and potatoes were spurted about on the table before him as he coughed, making Scrimp and some of the other trolls laugh all the harder.

  “Ricky!” Robert hissed, trying to get his attention.

  “No, no, young man. I think your little brother is fitting in perfectly,” said the queen. The king gave a little chuckle himself, but continued on eating his own meal. Rob placed his hands in his lap, hoping to appear as though he was giving the queen and king the reverence he thought he ought to.

  The queen put aside her own handkerchief and paused for a moment too. “Tell me, young humans, what are your own names?”

  “Well, I’m Robert Johansson, and…” Rob started.

  Ricky finished, mumbling around the large bite of potatoes he’d just stuffed in his mouth, “Mmmph, Ricky!”

  “Well, it is very nice to have two fine young gentlemen such as yourselves from the human world be our very first visitors to the troll kingdom, Machsa. I hope we have not made you too uncomfortable.”

  “We’re very comfortable, your majesty,” Robert replied. He thought a moment before continuing. “Please, your highness…can I ask you why it is that you and Kile speak English so well, and everyone else seems to sort of grumble?”

  “Mmmm…well, Robert. That could be a simple and a lengthy explanation. For which are you ready?” she asked.

  “Ummm…the long one, I guess, ma’am.”

  “Well, you see…trolls live very long and the longer they live the more stupid they become.”

  Several trolls, the king included, stopped mid-bite and looked at the queen. Robert couldn’t tell from their expressions whether they were insulted, sheepish, or whether they even understood what she had said. As she continued, and they returned to their meals, he’d guessed that they probably didn’t truly understand her, but perhaps they just recognized a few words in her pronunciation, namely: “trolls” and…perhaps “stupid”. It was an awkward moment for Robert none-the-less and Kile next to him seemed to be fussing with his food significantly. He too was not entirely comfortable with the conversation, having only just learned how very well the queen spoke English too.

  “How long do trolls live?” Robert asked, trying to keep the conversation more polite.

  “Oh very long, by your account, I’m sure,” Isabel said as she took a drink of her berrywine and then set the roughly formed cup back down. “How old are you and your little brother?”

  “I’m turning twelve this next month, and…Ricky is nine. But, really he acts like he’s six.”

  The queen smiled and laughed ever so slightly to herself at the last comment.

  “Well, my dear. You are nearly a grown man among humans then, aren’t you?”

  “Uh… I guess. I’ve got four years before I can even drive though.”

  She smiled again. “Hmmm. Yes, I’m sure that seems like a very long time to you too.”

  “Yeah…well, I’m kind of excited to drive already,” Robert replied honestly.

  “Well, young Robert, what if I were to tell you that Kile here is our youngest troll? And he is a mere one-hundred-and-thirty-seven years old.”

  The idea shocked Robert. The thought of living that long alone made Rob a little afraid. He wasn’t sure he’d even want to live that long. He recognized in his mom’s day they didn’t have MP3 players and tablets to do homework on, but she’d told him about even more archaic forms of entertainment, like the black and white television his grandparents used to have to watch. And of course 3D, or at least real looking 3D, was a long ways off. His father even once told him about video “tapes” and “records” made of vinyl and played with a type of needle. One-hundred-and-thirty-seven years earlier would have been even before cars were invented, or at least he thought. He wondered if even the steam cotton-gin he’d had to read about in school had been around by that time. It had. But putting that many years in perspective was very hard for Robert to do at only twelve.

  With mouth shuddering nervously a bit, he asked, “Your highness, how old does that make the King then?”

  “Well, now…let me think. Scrimp here is our closest advisor and he’s coming on…oh, about seven-hundred years. Karapace himself is probably nearly one-thousand then.”

  After steadying his thoughts for a moment by taking a swig of water, Robert mumbled something under his breath about the dark ages. Then, “So…your ma
jesty…if you don’t mind my asking: how old are you?”

  Queen Isabel snickered to herself a bit before replying. “I am a full nine-hundred-and-eleven years old, young human.”

  “Whoa!” Ricky interjected into the conversation.

  Robert was still trying to understand how they could live for so long when he remembered where the conversation had been going. “So, then, you said that trolls get more stupid as they get older. But, you seem to me very smart.”

  Isabel again gave a snicker and then a full, hearty laugh. “Yes, I did, indeed. The difference is, I am a girl troll. Only the boys get more simple-minded as they grow.”

  Robert and Ricky looked at each other for a moment. “Is that why the older ones are so big?” Ricky asked.

  “Unfortunately, yes, little human. Our poor male trolls. The older they get the larger and stronger they become. But at the same time, they seem to lose what little minds they had to start with.”

  At that point, Karapace and Scrimp must have caught on to what Isabel had been explaining because both put their food down again and gave her a bit of a glare. Then they looked at each other. Karapace nodded his head at Scrimp before returning to his meal, and Scrimp, for his part, looked hurt.

  The queen tucked a hand about her mouth as she explained a little more conspiratorially. “You see, they remember some of the human words which I’ve taught them. But not many. …and neither of them can remember how to speak it. But we females, we do not have this…growth problem.”

  “Oh! So lady trolls are smarter than the boy trolls?” asked Ricky a little louder than he probably should have. Scrimp went back to eyeing him suspiciously.

  “Well, I suppose that’s the truth of it,” the queen replied, “at least if you give it until four or five hundred years old. Our poor menfolk…they just sort of…lose their mind while they grow strong.”

  At first, Kile was chuckling openly but realized the queen did not intend the comment as a joke. So he tried to stifle it and fake a cough behind his arm quickly.

  “And you said you learned English over the internet?” Robert continued. “How do you have access to the internet? I thought Kile said…”

  Robert was interrupted by a sharp press upon his foot, the one closest to Kile’s own feet. He stopped short, remembering that it would be unwise to expose the power line or the television which Kile had apparently used to learn English himself. Queen Isabel herself cleared her throat as if in warning about Kile’s abuse of the troll rules. But she carried on the conversation willingly enough for her part.

  “I happen to have gotten hold of one of those human… “pads,” is it? The king does have some very wise rules in place to prevent our people interacting with humans and causing a panic. But as queen I occasionally do have the power to get what I want, what I need. Certain trolls among us have assisted me in ensuring I have the information we need to make wise choices about our people…and yours.”

  Kile caught Rob’s eye for a moment, smiled and nodded his head then went quietly back to eating a largish potato. After a moment’s thought, Robert decided it was safe to keep pressing for a bit of information. He wanted to know all he could about these trolls; he felt it likely he and his little brother were not simply going to share a meal and then, “Tah-tah for now!” back off to the way things were before. No. This lengthy visit did not bode well for Robert and Ricky’s lives being normal again.

  “Your majesty, if you don’t mind me asking, why is it we were brought down here?” The queen and Kile both had a cock-eyed expression on their faces and King Karapace stopped eating for a moment. Scrimp and the others kept eating, apparently forcing a casualness to visit yet Scrimp was eyeing all of them at the same time. “I mean…Kile said that we needed to see the king to keep Dronosh from eating us.”

  “Ah!” replied the queen. She patted her lips with her giant handkerchief again, and then she explained.

  “You see, in old times we lived in the mountains of a far off country on another continent. We liked it well enough there, but the humans in that land often lumped us in with bridge trolls.”

  “Is that bad?” interrupted Ricky.

  “Oh!” giggled the queen and she patted her mouth again as Karapace smirked a bit. “I should say it is. We’re nothing like the bridge trolls, except for the name ‘trolls’ itself, which, by-the-way, humans gave to us. But more importantly, humans lumped us into the bridge trolls race and then hunted us as well. And to be fair, in truly ancient times we were known to eat a human or two…but only when it was absolutely necessary. Later we did it as a defense when the humans kept hunting us.”

  “At any rate, we eventually heard that humans had sailed across the great oceans and found a new land to inhabit. Of course, being lovers of the land ourselves, we wanted to know more. So, we sent one of our number among them on a ship probably a few hundred years ago using her glimmer abilities to disguise herself as a ship-hand. She was one of the bravest among us, for mountain trolls are very afraid of open water. Eventually, that same troll made her way west to what you humans call the Rockies and setup a new troll state nearby Machsa, more on the eastern side of the range and a little further north.”

  “Once a troll cavern is setup with all the required natural ingredients, of course we just used our magics to carry more of us from the old land to these beautiful Rocky Mountains. My own people living here in Machsa left with King Karapace and myself a couple-hundred years ago and we’ve been here ever since, wondering how long it would take for the humans to find us again.”

  “Oh, I don’t think we would hunt trolls now-a-days,” said Ricky with a trusting smile.

  The queen gave a very friendly smile to the little boy and nodded. “And of course that’s why we don’t eat humans any more either! But tell me young Robert, do you think if other humans knew we were here, adult humans, that they’d hunt us as they did long ago?”

  Robert thought about it for a moment before answering. “No, I don’t think we would. Humans are a lot more scientific these days. But…I guess that means if they knew you were here…they’d probably want to study you. Um…that might not be the best thing.”

  “Mmmm,” mumbled the queen watching Robert closely. “Then it is roughly what I thought based on what I have read on your internet. I think it’s safer if we kept our secret a little longer.”

  The king nodded his giant head in agreement and then both monarchs turned to each of the boys in turn to get an agreement there. Ricky of course was completely oblivious, but Robert quickly nodded so positively in agreement he nearly shook himself right out of his chair. It seemed an uneasy truce had been entered with that and the king, queen, two boys and Kile went back to eating a little more of the delicious meal along with the rest of the trolls at the table. But then Ricky spoke up, the little doofus.

  “Miss your-highness?” he asked. “What if we were to take Kile back with us and show him how things are at our house? I bet my mom would let him stay the night too!”

  “What?!” Robert forced through gritted teeth. “Ricky! Be quiet!”

  But at the same time Robert couldn’t help to notice Isabel catch Kile’s eyes with a wink followed by a smile.

  “Oh! That would be nice, indeed!” said the queen somewhat louder than she had been during the previous discussion. The king startled a little and put his cup down after spilling some of his berrywine upon his chin. “How about that, Karapace? Send Kile to assess the situation among the humans?”

  The king’s response was not so positive. His arms and hands gestured very animatedly and once or twice a fist was slammed on the table. It was all in Trollish, but the little bit of a tirade clearly amounted to “NO!”

  “But, your greatness!” Kile interjected. When he continued he arose from his seat to come stand on the opposite side of where the queen sat, surrounding him with their behest. When Kile continued, he too switched to speaking in troll.

  R
obert and Ricky understood the next five minutes or so between the three trolls’ conversation to be a discussion about whether or not Kile could join the human boys at their home. At first it did not seem to be going very well. But as the queen was clearly spelling out her case for the foray into the human world the king calmed down and slowly changed from eyeing his wife with severe suspicion to a look of irritation. Robert fixed Ricky’s open-mouthed gape at one point with a look that meant to say, “You’ve done it now!” But Ricky missed the point. He mouthed quietly back to Robert, “Maybe they’ll let him go afterall?”

  While Robert continued to grumble, something finally changed. The king was sitting with both palms placed flat on the table before him. He was breathing heavily. Kile quietly returned to his seat and waited. The queen had sat straight up in her chair and folded her hands in her lap, also awaiting something. Robert put his hands down too, but Ricky and Scrimp continued to munch, Scrimp occasionally tossing scraps onto Ricky’s plate.

  Finally, after what was likely a full two minutes of sitting and huffing, the king pushed back his chair and stood up. From beneath his robes he produced a golden crown, which once he placed it gingerly upon his head, was clearly too small. Then he spoke. It was in Trollish again.

  “Keine tah neekin deere humans! Aunde keine deere humans d’rargen zum heis’r! So! K’mani nachen deese humanssss…won’ah gran, Kile!”

  There was silence at the table. The king sat roughly back down in his chair and did not appear at all happy with what he himself had just said. Then, Scrimp chuckled. Then he laughed riotously and slapped the table several times. While still laughing heartily he pointed a large index finger at Ricky’s chest next to him and laughed some more.

  “Won’ah gran, Kile? Ha, ha ha! HAAAaa!!” and he laughed so hard with that Scrimp’s old throat closed up and caused him to cough a bit. When done he leaned over very close to Ricky and said in a deep earthy rumble, “MY pet!” Then he laughed some more, slapping the table again.

  The king’s expression finally changed to a grin and a small chuckle. He patted his wife, the queen, softly (for a troll) on her shoulder next to him and said something in Trollish before taking another swig of his berrywine. Kile and the Queen also gave way to small smiles, although Kile looked a little sheepish.

  “What? What is going on here?” asked Robert. He looked at Kile and then the queen.

  It was Isabel that responded first. “King Karapace has graciously granted us a very special opportunity my young human friends.”

  “Oh, crud…” Robert started, but he was interrupted by the continued explanation of the queen.

  “Master Ricky? The king would have you exchange your position in your own home with our own Kile here, and he within your home with you, Master Robert.”

  “Oh! Sweet!” Ricky said and nearly jumped out of his chair. Scrimp giggled in his low, large troll voice again.

  “No!” Robert stood upright. “No, no, no! We can’t do that!”

  “Master human Robert…it is already decided.” Queen Isabel was clearly either not in a position to budge Karapace’s decree, or she was entirely unwilling.

  Robert turned to Kile. “Kile! You can’t do this. It’s way too…dangerous. There’s no way we can do that.”

  “Oh, relax Robbie!” Ricky said. “This is perfect!”

  “Oh! Really, Ricky! What if they end up eating you, you bone head?” Rob replied, smashing his own fist down on the table, with very little of the effect the king had on the thick oak.

  Apparently, the trolls at the table found that un-necessarily rough any way because all quieted down immediately and watched Robert stone-faced.

  “No! This is not going to work! We can’t make that trade,” Robert pleaded.

  “Of course you can, young human. This will give us the information we need about you humans,” the queen responded calmly. “And I would suppose that you and your little brother would learn quite a bit about us in exchange. Young Ricky? Wouldn’t you like to learn a little real magic while you were here?”

  The queen’s bating smile was not lost on Ricky.

  “Oh, yeah! That would be awesome!” the little boy responded.

  Robert turned to Kile again, hoping there might be an ally in the little troll. Instead, the troll was enthusiastically nodding at the queen and Ricky in turn and then to Robert as well. Rob stood for a moment watching him, eyes pleading with Robert, grin awaiting hesitantly. Then Robert turned to the queen and found her expression suspiciously vacant.

  “You set this up,” Robert said quietly. Then more aggressively, “You set this all up, didn’t you? Both of you!”

  Kile squeezed his hands together and looked nervous, his large bulbous nose hanging over his mouth and head ducked down. The queen remained absolutely still. The king had returned to picking out some vegetables and gulping them down. Robert plopped down in his seat.

  “Oh man. Ricky…you idiot. You walked us straight into a trap.”

  “No I didn’t!” Ricky screamed. “I want to stay here! This is perfect! Um…how long will I stay?”

  Before anyone could answer, Robert turned to Kile. “I bet even Dronosh was in on this the whole time…”

  “No…” Kile said, shaking his head in short rounds and still ringing his fingers. “No, no. Dronosh really want to eat you.”

  “So you used him too?”

  “Young Robert of the humans dwelling outside our cavern,” began the queen in a very formal tone. “As of late the humans have crept ever higher upon the foothills of these, our mountains. We should like to know if we can trust them, or if we must move on again. I would think that you would equally like to know a different sort of people than those you meet every day, wouldn’t you?”

  “No, not really,” Robert grumbled, but he had a feeling the queen recognized his sour grapes attitude at losing the argument and instantly regretted being negative.

  “I think it would be very advantageous if we might swap our young companions for…what shall we say? A few weeks?”

  “A few weeks!?”Robert asked. “How on earth am I going to keep it secret that Ricky is missing for more than a few hours?”

  Kile eagerly responded to that one. “Oh! I hold glimmer for that long! I look like Ricky! No one knows!”

  The queen looked Robert in the eye at that point and said very quietly as the king and other trolls continued to munch. “Indeed, Robert. That is the very reason I chose Kile from the beginning. He has an interest, and he’s the only male troll that can hold a glimmer for so long. Most males don’t even know how to do it, but of course the king would never allow for a female to go amongst you. And even more importantly, Kile has been studying the humans since they first started building the little town below us in which you live. Next to myself, he’s the most knowledgeable.”

  Robert was pondering what the two were trying to tell him, when a secondary realization came to him. “Your majesty? …You’re the girl troll that came over on the ship to the Americas, aren’t you?”

  The queen sat back into her chair and grinned her toothy troll grin at him. Her eyes sparkled. “You see? You are a very wise young human. I think you’re the perfect boy to help Kile learn about your world.”

  Kile nodded exuberantly next to Robert. When the joy clearly wasn’t rubbing off, he stopped and slowly went back to finishing his meal.

  Ricky looked up at the conversation, and in a moment of sheer brilliance, at least for Ricky’s typical behavior he made his own observation.

  “You’re the girl troll that came across the ocean on the boat, aren’t you!” he said.

  The queen smiled. The king looked up just long enough to seemingly recognize what the little human boy just said.

  “Perhaps,” Isabel replied, and left it at that as far as Ricky’s engagement in the conversation was concerned.

  Over the next twenty minutes the rest of the trolls and Ricky did th
e same as Kile, clearing the serving trays of all the available food. Generally it was a noisy and juicy affair to which Ricky was clearly well suited.

  Robert, on the other hand, sat staring at his little brother trying to emulate Scrimp’s nauseous eating habits. A pet for Scrimp? He thought to himself. Actually…I guess this could work out for everybody.