Players, Bumps and Cocktail Sausages

  I was going out of my mind. They were there alone.

  “Holly is exhausted and in pain from the stitches. Anything could happen, Oakley. ”

  I gripped my hair as I felt fear consuming me. My lungs tightened to the point where I gasped for breath.

  They’re alone. Anyone could hurt them.

  “Jasper, calm down. Breathe!” Oakley said, rushing to my aid. But she was too late; I slumped to the floor as my legs gave out. What if someone was hurting Sophia?

  Oakley dropped to the floor, and I gripped her. She was so young and so innocent. How could they have done that to her?

  “I can’t…” Breathe.

  I could see Oakley age five, scared, hurt, crying. And then Sophia was in her place.

  “Jasper!”

  Oakley’s voice floated away. I gasped for breath, but no air passed to my lungs and I descended into darkness.

  I came round to my sister slapping my cheek.

  “Jesus you scared me!” she hissed, wiping her damp eyes.

  Groaning, I sat up and clutched my head.

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  “I swear if you don’t get help, Jasper-”

  “Alright, alright,” I said, cutting her off. “I get it. I’ll make another appointment with Carol. ” I’d had a couple but clearly I needed more because something in my head wasn’t working properly, and I needed her to fix it.

  “Are you okay? Can you stand?”

  “Yeah, stop fussing. ” I pushed myself to my feet, and she rose too, holding her hands out, ready to catch me. I’d squash her if I passed out again. I made sure I was steady so I wouldn’t risk hurting her or my unborn niece or nephew.

  “Stop fussing? You just had a panic attack and fainted!”

  “Passed out,” I corrected, holding my finger up. Much more macho.

  She pursed her lips. “Talk to me. ”

  “I’m not there,” I said. “What if something happens and I’m not there to protect them?”

  She smiled sadly, her eyes filling with tears.

  “I was so scared when Everleigh was born. I panicked, thinking if I wasn’t with her something would happen. Well, you know I did. No one is going to hurt them. ”

  “What if they do? What if something does happen and I didn’t do anything to stop it?”

  “Stop! Calm down, you’re going to have another panic attack. Sit. ”

  She pointed to the kitchen table. “I’ll make you some tea then we’re going to talk. ”

  “I don’t want tea, I want to be at the hospital. ”

  She flicked the kettle on and spun around.

  “You can’t be there 24/7. I know what it feels like, I never wanted to let Everleigh out of my sight. I still don’t, if I’m honest. But it’s not realistic. You can’t always be there. The nurses and midwives are there to help and protect them. ”

  A burst of laughter left my lungs.

  “Yeah, so was he. I just don’t understand why and how he let it happen. ”

  I hadn’t expected that to come out.

  “Not everyone is Dad. I know what it’s like to focus only on the negative, but most people out there are good. ”

  “So you’re okay now?”

  She tilted her head to the side.

  “Jasper, you, Mum and Jenna have Everleigh when I work because I can’t let her go to nursery. I’m starting to talk to Carol about school a whole year in advance because I’m so scared of her being somewhere alone. I’ll never be over it, but you have to let go a little. ”

  I rubbed my hands over my face.

  “What do I do?”

  “Don’t freak, but I think you should go and see him. ”

  I froze. Had she lost her fucking mind?

  “Hear me out, and stop looking at me like I’m crazy.

  “Then stop talking crazy,” I said.

  “You said yourself you don’t understand it. Not that I think you ever really will. But I think you need a conversation with him. You never got that. ”

  “I don’t want it. I can’t sit there and ask him why he did what he did to you. ”

  “Good, because this isn’t about me. You need to ask him why he did it to you. ”

  I frowned. “He didn’t do anything to me. ”

  “That’s crap, and you know it. ”

  “But seeing him…” No. I don’t know how I could sit there and not lose it.

  “This is about you, no one else. You need closure too. Jasper, you’re still stuck with what he did until you face it. Please don’t let him screw up enjoying having a new baby. He took that from me when I had Everleigh but not this time. ” She placed her hand over her perfectly rounded belly. “Cole Junior will have me properly from the start. ”

  “You know you’re going to have to think of a better name than that, right?”

  She smiled. “We can’t agree. ”

  “Jasper’s an awesome name. ”

  “Hmm, I don’t like it. ”

  I narrowed my eyes.

  “I’m kidding! We’re swaying towards Bentley. ”

  I nodded once. “Good cars. ”

  “Way to get me off topic. You know what you need to do, don’t you?”

  “Fuck,” I said. “I need to see him. ”

  She smiled, but it wasn’t wholly genuine.

  “Good. When you’ve got your answers, you can leave him behind and focus on Holly and Sophia. And for goodness’ sake, ask her to move in with you!”

  “I will. When I’ve got myself sorted out. She doesn’t need my stress on top of caring for Sophia. And thanks, sis. ”

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  “Any time,” she replied and grabbed two mugs ready to make us a drink.

  As soon as Oakley was settled at the table opposite me I blurted something else out that I didn’t intend to: “I love Holly. ”

  My sister’s smile rivalled a Cheshire cat’s.

  “Finally! I was so hoping you’d realise you’re perfect together. And you have a beautiful little girl. ” She started to cry. “I’m so thrilled for you, Jas, you deserve all the happiness in the world. ”

  “I can’t wait to get them home. ”

  “When are you going to tell her?”

  “Soon. Not in hospital. I need to find another house ASAP. ”

  “Well, maybe if you’ll stop being so bloody picky. ”

  “I want a decent garden for Sophia to play in. ”

  She shook her head, laughing.

  “Let’s not get into it again. Anyway, now you’ll have Holly helping you so it’ll go much quicker. ”

  I scratched the back of my neck. “You think she’ll want to move in with me?”

  “Do you want her to move in?”

  “Of course. I want us all under one roof. Might be a little too soon though, don’t you think?”

  “You’ve just had a baby together. But anyway, it’d be a few months if you bought a house tomorrow. I’m the wrong person to have this conversation with. ”

  “Right. I Should talk to Hol. ”

  “Yeah,” she said and did the cat grin again. This time I did it too. I just hoped Holly felt the same way – I had a suspicion she did.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Holly

  Jasper laid Sophia down in the Moses basket and tucked her in. She slept a lot, but the midwife told me that was perfectly normal for a three-day-old baby. I’d felt better ever since we got home this morning. Back at my parents’ was where my bed and my things were, so I felt more me.

  Since he picked us up at half past eight his morning, Jasper hadn’t left our side. He’d taken his two-week paternity leave so he could be here. With Mum, Dad and Brad at work I was glad that I wasn’t alone for the very first day of having her at home. As much as I hate hospitals, having the midwives around was a comfort.

  “How long do you think she’ll sleep for?”
he asked, staring at Sophia. I loved how he looked at her. She already had him around her little finger.

  “Probably three or four hours. She’s not been waking much between feeds. ”

  “Lazy baby,” he said and smiled.

  “Yeah, I’m pretty sure she’s storing all that rest up for when she’s older. ”

  He looked over and grinned wide. “And then she’ll use it to stay awake all night. I can’t wait. ”

  “Wow, really? Maybe I’ll drop her off at yours at nine at night and pick her up in the morning then. ”

  “Fine by me. ”

  You say that now…

  He turned away from Sophia, giving me his full attention. “Do you want anything?”

  “Something to eat, but I can make it. ”

  He thrust his hands out to stop me from getting up. “No. You sit and rest, I’ll make you something. ”

  “You’re taking what the midwife said too seriously, Jasper. I can make myself a sandwich!”

  “You’ve given birth and had stitches. The midwife said to take it easy for the next week, so that’s what you’re going to do. ”

  He grabbed my blanket, which he had insisted on buying from the hospital shop, and laid it over me.

  “Now you chill and watch some TV, and I’ll make lunch. ”

  “Jasper?”

  He turned around.

  “Thank you. ”

  “Any time. ”

  After lunch, my aunt, uncle and cousin turned up to see us. Jasper kept close by and my heart ached at the reason; he was scared of someone hurting Sophia. I hated his dad even more for the anxiety Jasper felt over her safety. I trusted every member of my family around my daughter, but he couldn’t do that. New parents had enough to worry about without those sorts of thoughts going through their heads.

  “She looks like you, Holly,” Uncle Bill said, cradling Sophia in his arms.

  I smiled. She didn’t look like either of us yet, in my opinion.

  Jasper sat beside me; tension radiated from his hunched shoulders. He watched Sophia like a hawk. It looked as if he was seconds from ripping her out of Bill’s arms. Uncle Bill lived on a farm, so growing up I spent most of my summer holidays there, running wild in the fields and helping him feed the animals. He’d never hurt anyone. But that’s probably what everyone thought about Max until the truth came out.

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  As much as I hated that he didn’t trust my family I had to make allowances for what he’d been through. And Oakley was right; he hadn’t dealt with it at all.

  “When’s her next feed, Holly?” Jasper asked. He knew he was just saying it in the hope they would hand her over to us.

  My back stiffened. “Not for another hour,” I said. “Aw, lean in further Mary, that’s a lovely picture. ” I unlocked my phone to take a picture of Sophia with her great aunt and uncle.

  “Can we talk about something?” I asked when we were finally alone again.

  “Anything,” he replied.

  “It’s about your dad. ”

  “Then no. ”

  “Jasper, come on. ”

  He stood up and fussed around, folding a couple of Sophia’s blankets.

  “There’s nothing to talk about, Holly,” he said, avoiding my gaze.

  “What’s going on? I can tell when you’re hiding something, you know. ”

  “I’m visiting him! Okay?”

  “Oh. ”

  He dropped the pile of already folded blankets and sat back down.

  “I’m visiting him. ”

  That wasn’t what I’d expected to come out of his mouth. The few times we’d spoken about it before, he’d got angry and shut down. I’d never have expected him to say he was going to see him.

  “You want to?”

  “No. I have to. Oakley seems to think facing him will help, and right now I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack, or heart attack, every time someone goes near Sophia, so I’m willing to give it a try. I don’t want to feel this shitty whenever someone comes to see her. I don’t want to lay awake most of the night worrying that something’s happening to her. ”

  “I had no idea you were that scared. ”

  He turned his head, and I saw in his eyes how badly it affected him.

  “Holly. I’m terrified,” he whispered.

  Every night when he’d left the hospital with a smile on his face saying that he’d see us ‘first thing’ again, he’d been hiding how frightened he was about leaving us.

  “Why didn’t you tell me this before?” I knew he worried, but not to the extent that he couldn’t sleep.

  “I didn’t want to worry you. Christ, you’d just given birth, you didn’t need my shit too. ”

  “Hey, you can talk to me whenever you need to. I don’t want you to think I’ve ever got too much going on, okay?”

  He smiled tightly.

  “I mean it, Jasper. Promise you’ll talk to me in the future. I can help. ”

  “I wish you could. ”

  “Stay here tonight. Maybe if you see that she’s fine it’ll be easier. ”

  “Maybe. ”

  “I’d die before I let anyone hurt her,” I said.

  He wrapped his arm around me and kissed my temple.

  “I know you would, but I can’t help feeling that way I do. I’m sorry. I’ll try harder. ”

  Sighing, I sunk into his side.

  “And I’ll try harder too. ”

  “You need anything? I’m going to go to the shop and pick up some more dummies for Soph. We’ve dropped two already today, and we can’t sterilise them quick enough. ”

  “Good idea. ”

  “So…anything?” he asked and stood up.

  I reluctantly let him go and blushed. There was something. “Um, just the dummies. ”

  “What?”

  “It’s fine. I can get Mum to get it. ”

  “No, I want to. What is it?”

  “Honestly, Jasper. ”

  “Tell me. I don’t mind getting whatever you need. Tell me, Hol. ”

  Flushing what was probably now a deep red, I replied, “I need more maternity pads. ”

  “Oh. ” He blinked a few times and then nodded slowly. “I can do that. ”

  How embarrassing.

  “It’s fine, I’ll text Mum now and ask her to pick some up on her way home. I meant to get more at the hospital, but I completely forgot. I have a couple left so I’ll be fine until this afternoon. ”

  “It’s fine, Holly. It won’t take me long. Anything else you need?”

  He picked his jacket and key up.

  “Are you really getting my maternity pads?”

  “Yeah, you need them. What else? Those nipple ones too? Nipple cream, you got that? The midwife said those bad boys might leak and crack. ”

  I really did not want to have this conversation.

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  My face felt like it was on fire. “No! I have enough of those, thank you. ”

  His smile grew the more my face heated. “You’re embarrassed by this, aren’t you?”

  How was he not?

  “Holly, I watched you stand up and bleed out what looked like the remains of a human sacrifice, I’m pretty comfortable buying you those towel things now. ”

  “Oh Jesus, please just leave, Jasper. ”

  He laughed and bent down, kissing the top of my head. “Call me if you need anything, okay? I’ll be fifteen minutes, tops. ”

  “Thank you. ”

  Chapter Thirty-six

  Jasper

  I stared at a long row of sanitary products. How many different types did women bloody need? How the hell was I supposed to choose between them? Taking a quick look either side of me to make sure no one was around, I stepped closer for a better look.

  Brands were bunched together, organised by ‘flow’. What kind of f
low was post-birth? Why didn’t she tell me? I didn’t want to call her in case she was sleeping. I could ask someone, but I didn’t want to admit that I didn’t know what the mother of my baby needed; I’d look like an arsehole for not knowing.

  Why so much bloody choice?

  I picked up one box with ‘wings’. Christ did women want them to fucking fly or something? Next to the wings was night-time ultra; I picked it up. And there were also extra long ones. Did it matter what size underwear you had? She was quite petite so would she want smaller ones, right? But did the flow matter?

  Oh this is just fucking ridiculous!

  How much choice did you need for that type of thing? Jesus!

  “Jasper?”

  No! I spun around, holding a box of wings and night-time ultra. My mouth dropped. I hadn’t expected to run into Abby, especially not down the Feminine Hygiene aisle.

  She was gripping onto a small trolley with her baby. The little boy was tucked up in his car seat. The baby that I thought, for a little while, was mine. He was cute. I thought it would hurt when I saw him, but it didn’t. Seeing Abby and her son did nothing to me but make me wish I was back at Holly’s parents’ with her and Sophia.

  I was over Abby. Looking at her now, I felt nothing. It didn’t hurt and although the memory of how our marriage ended hurt it didn’t bother me the way it used to.

  I smiled. “Abby, how are you?”

  She looked at the items in my hands and then laughed quietly.

  “I’m doing really good, thanks. You?”

  “I’m great. How’s…”

  I trailed off, realising I didn’t even know her baby’s name. Not that I particularly should. We hadn’t spoken in months, and the only communication was through our lawyers, which was soon to end as our divorce was in the final stages.

  “Jacob. He’s doing well. He’s ten days old now. What about you?”

  “Everything’s good. Sophia is perfect. ”

  She smiled. “That’s great. I knew Holly was due soon, but I wasn’t sure when. ”

  I didn’t like the way she said Holly as if she hated her. I knew she wasn’t a fan before, but Holly had done nothing wrong. If it wasn’t for Abby cheating, I would have never been with Holly in the first place.

  I was suddenly very grateful to Abby.

  “Soph was due on the 9th of April, but she was early, born three days ago,” I said proudly. “Anyway, I really need to get back to my girls so I’ll see you around. Take care of yourself, Abby. ”

  I threw the two boxes in the trolley and Abby walked off. I still wasn’t sure if I was getting the right type, so I picked up a few others, chucking them in. I had ones with wings, short ones, long ones, ultra absorbent ones, night-time ones. . . . One of them had to be right, surely?