Players, Bumps and Cocktail Sausages

  “What do you need?”

  “A drink. ”

  Carol laughed. “I’ve heard that one before. In our sessions, Oakley has expressed concern for how you’re coping with what happened. ”

  “I cope fine. ”

  “He doesn’t,” Oakley said. “He’s too stubborn and selfless to think about what he’s feeling or what he needs. Drives me crazy. ”

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  “Sorry, should I be a selfish prick?”

  She frowned and elbowed me in the ribs. “You should be more selfish, yes. I don’t want you to hold it all in because you’re scared of what it’ll do to me and mum. You can talk about him. ”

  “Why would I want to?” What possible reason could I ever have to think about that man ever again? After everything, I didn’t get why Oakley would want to keep on going over it.

  “Because he hurt you too! It wasn’t just me, Jasper. He hurt all of us. ”

  “Okay,” Carol said, “let’s cool down for a minute. ”

  I didn’t want to ‘cool down’ I wanted to leave. I scratched my jaw and took a deep breath.

  “Jasper, how do you feel about your father?”

  “How the fuck do you think?”

  Oakley scowled at me, telling me to stop, but I carried on regardless.

  “I hate him. He could drop down dead right now, and I’d throw a party. ”

  Carol said nothing. Oakley lowered her head. She couldn’t tell me she didn’t feel the same.

  “Have you grieved for the loss of your father? You’re allowed to miss that part of him; it’s only natural. ”

  I stared at her. Had she lost it? “He stopped being my father the day he let his sick pervert friend touch my little sister. ” I heard Oakley’s gulp, and I took her hand. “I’m sorry. ”

  “Don’t be. I want you to talk about how you feel, remember. I just want you to be okay, Jas. ”

  I’d not heard her call me Jas in a fucking long time, not since we were really little kids and she used to say it to annoy me. “Well I’m fine so stop worrying. ” I looked back to Carol. “She thinks I want kids to recreate a family I lost. Crazy. ”

  “That doesn’t sound crazy at all. In fact, it’s natural to want a family, Jasper, especially if it’s something you feel you’ve missed out on,” Carol said.

  “I have a family. ” Beside me, I felt my sister tense, growing frustrated with my lack of cooperation. I had to keep reminding myself that she worried about me and was only trying to help. “Look, I want a family because I want one. Not because I’m trying to fill some hole. ”

  I should have told her that as excited as I was to have children I was also terrified. I would never hurt my kids the way my father hurt Oakley but what if I hurt them indirectly? If I didn’t protect them from something else? The way I didn’t protect Oakley.

  I was haunted by a vision of Oakley as a child, scared, alone and crying every single day. Then when Everleigh was born she was standing right beside her, scared, alone and crying. And when me and Abby were all set to start trying before she changed her mind, a girl that looked half like me and half like Abby joined them.

  I didn’t want to admit that out loud and have Carol analyse it, and I didn’t want my sister to know it at all.

  Carol nodded. “Good. Oakley mentioned you and your wife have put those plans on hold. ”

  “Did she now,” I muttered.

  Oakley winced. “Sorry. I know I shouldn’t have said anything, but Carol asked if you were trying now so…”

  Apparently I featured in Oakley’s sessions a lot. I had no idea how much she worried.

  I shook my head. “It’s fine. That’s the point of therapy, right, to talk?”

  “Was that a mutual decision, Jasper?” Carol asked.

  I looked at my sister and knew she’d not discussed why me and Abby had stopped trying.

  “No. Abby was being shady about it until I asked her outright. She wants a career first, and that’s fine. ”

  “Is it fine?”

  Oakley sank back in the sofa, into the background as Carol fired her questions.

  “Yes. What’s not fine is her making the decision before discussing it with me. We were all set for Operation Knock Up, then she avoids the conversation and then she tells me it’s on hold. ”

  “Your anger is understandable but have you considered that it may have been difficult for her to tell you how she was feeling?”

  “Maybe. I hadn’t thought of that. We’ve always been able to talk about anything though. ”

  “What is it?” Carol said, prompting me to explain what my deep frown was about.

  “Recently I’ve not been feeling like I can talk to her either. ”

  “Why do you think that is?”

  “I’m not sure. She’s been working a lot more. Sometimes I feel like she’s moving on and changing and I’m still the same guy I was when we got back together. ”

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  “Back together?”

  “Yeah, we went out when we were teenagers. ”

  “How did it end?”

  Oakley looked up at me, and I could tell what she was thinking. Maybe Abby was distant because she was cheating again.

  “She slept with my friend. ”

  “But you’re past that now. ”

  “I am. ”

  “Am or was? Is that why you don’t feel like you can talk to her any longer? The distance you feel as a result of her focusing on something else is creating doubt in your mind. ”

  I hated her for being able to talk me round and make me look at something in a new light. Or for just getting the truth out of me from what I didn’t say.

  “I guess,” I replied, half sulking. “But it’s not because she’s concentrating on something else and not giving me enough attention. I’m not that self-absorbed. ”

  “That’s not what I was suggesting. ”

  “Then I suppose you’re right. A part of me does think she could be seeing someone else and I hate myself for it. When I forgave her, I made a promise to myself that I’d let it go and never throw it back in her face, and until now I haven’t. ”

  “Have you spoken to her about your fears?”

  “No. She has no idea what I’m thinking, and I don’t want to tell her. ”

  “Why not?”

  “Because if I’m wrong she’s going to be crushed. ”

  Carol nodded once. “And if you’re right you’re going to be crushed. ”

  “You have a knack for hitting the nail on the head. ”

  “I hope so,” she replied, “or I’m not doing my job right. ”

  “So is this the part where you tell me what to do?”

  “I can’t do that. What you do with your life is entirely up to you, Jasper. I’m here to listen, help you identify the root cause of your issues and suggest ways you can address them. But I can’t do any of it for you. ”

  “Alright, what do you suggest?”

  “Having an open conversation with your wife is a start. ”

  Oakley played with her fingers, and I knew she wanted to know Carol’s thoughts on what I should do about the man rotting in prison. He was locked away, so he wasn’t a concern. All I wanted was for things with Abby to go back to normal so we could be happy again.

  My father was nothing. My wife was everything.

  Chapter Eight

  “I’m home, sweetie,” Abby shouted from the front door.

  “In the kitchen. ”

  “Okay. I’m just going for a quick shower then I’ll be down. I’ve had a nightmare of a day, had to fill in for a double period of year ten PE. I’m sweaty and exhausted. Won’t be long. ”

  Her footsteps thudded up the stairs. I ran my finger around the rim of my mug.

  What the fuck is going on?

  She never ran straight to the shower from work. What the hell was wron
g with me? She’d just explained why. Everyone wanted to shower after exercise. I would, although I would’ve said hello properly and given her a kiss before going.

  Here I was all ready to take Carol’s advice and talk to Abby and hopefully get us back on track, and she was running off upstairs to shower.

  Since I admitted out loud that I was worried she was cheating, it was constantly in my head.

  All I could think was that she had to be cheating. And along with Oakley, Everleigh and my child’s terrified faces all I could see was my wife in the arms of someone else.

  “What would you like for dinner?” she asked, kissing the top of my head as she walked by ten minutes later. I was so grateful for her coming back at that moment and stopping the mental images that plagued my mind.

  “Since you’ve had a long day why don’t we order Chinese?” I replied.

  “Sounds good to me. Shall I order?” she asked, ruffling up her damp, dark blonde hair.

  I nodded.

  She was being weird, acting as if we were practical strangers. I’d seen her be warmer towards traffic wardens. “Are you okay?” I asked.

  “Yeah, fine. Sorry, I just need to relax and forget about work. Why don’t you pour me a glass of wine, and I’ll call the take-away. ”

  I stood up, eyeing her suspiciously as she unlocked her mobile. She used the house phone to call landlines. Why was she keeping that so close to her? I forced myself to look away and get on with making her a drink. Second-guessing everything she did made me feel like shit.

  I trusted her. Nothing was going on. Nothing could be going on because it’d crush me and end us. I wanted our marriage to work. She left the kitchen, but I heard her placing our usual order. My stomach turned. What if she was cheating?

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  There was no way I could forgive her again. We’d be over. The thought of her with another man was painful. Did he get her fun playfulness and leave me with the withdrawn distant woman?

  “Abby,” I called as I heard her say bye.

  She stepped out from the living room. “Yes?”

  “What’s going on? You’re distant, and it’s more than work. ”

  She froze for a second and then frowned. “It’s not more. Nothing is wrong. I’m tired, Jasper, that’s all. ”

  Tired all the time? I didn’t believe that. It was a copout.

  “No, you either treat me as if I’m in the way, or you’re indifferent. Have I done something?”

  She sighed. “You’ve not done anything. I have. ”

  The colour drained from my face. “What?” I whispered.

  “All of our plans have changed, and it’s my fault. Do you think it’s easy to see the disappointment in your eyes knowing that I’m the cause? I’m angry because I hurt you and I’m angry at you for not understanding. ”

  “That’s shit. How many times have I told you I understand? I do, Abby, and I’ve never tried to make you feel bad about it. I am disappointed; I can’t help it, but I’ve never tried to make you feel worse about it. If you’re feeling guilty, that’s on you. ”

  Now I was pissed off. How dare she blame me when all I’d done was support her? I’d encouraged her to go for the Deputy Head of English and then the Head of English jobs. I was the one waiting in the car after her interview and taking her out to dinner after. How fucking dare she suggest that I want a child over her career aspirations?

  “Well thank you very much! Now I feel a whole lot better!” she shouted.

  “Why’re you being like this? I’m not fighting with you so lower your voice and talk to me the way you used to. What is going on?”

  Her face reddened. She was angry. Well so was I.

  “You’re making me out to be the bad one. ”

  I threw my arms up in exasperation. “I’m not making you out to be anything!”

  “Don’t think I don’t know that look your mum gave you when you said we’re waiting to have a baby. ”

  “What look?” Jesus, I swear she sees what she wants to.

  “She knew it was because of me. ”

  “So!”

  Abby glared. “So?”

  “Yeah. So. It doesn’t matter whose idea it was. We’re married, Abby, so I’ll fucking stick by whatever you want to do. I don’t care if my mum or your parents want a grandchild now if one of us isn’t ready, for whatever reason, we’re waiting. ”

  Tears filled her eyes, and she leant back against the wall. What the fuck now?

  “I hate the way things are between us,” she whispered.

  “So do I. Why is it like this? I don’t resent you for wanting to wait. ”

  “I feel like you do. ”

  “Well I’m telling you I don’t. What more can I do, Abby? Why can’t you believe me?”

  She shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe because I know how much having a family means to you. ”

  “It means a lot, but I don’t need it right this second. I thought it meant a lot to you too?”

  “It did. ” She closed her eyes, and when she opened them again they were distant. “It does, but I can’t even think about it right now. There’s too much going on. I’d rather get my career to where I want it now. It’ll be harder to do it with a baby. ”

  “Fine,” I said. “That’s fine. I’ve never said it isn’t. You’re making this a much bigger deal than it has to be, and I don’t understand why. If you’re worried about what my mum thinks, I’ll have a word with her, but you know she loves you too. As long as we’re happy she’s happy. ”

  “Oh, come on. She’s much closer to Cole. ”

  “What? Is this jealousy because you think my mum prefers her son-in-law to you?” Fuck is she eight?

  “Don’t look at me like that!” she growled. “You have no idea!”

  “You’re right, I don’t, but that’s because you’re not making any damn sense!”

  “I’m just sick of being the one that’s making you unhappy. ”

  “I’m unhappy because you’ve been cold and distant recently. We’re waiting to have a baby, fine. Let’s leave it at that and not mention it for a year or so. Can we please just get back to normal now?”

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  “So that’s it? Topic closed, and everything’s fine?”

  Wasn’t that what she wanted?

  “Yeah,” I replied. “I’ll warm some plates, I hate chow mien cold. ”

  Turning around, I walked deeper in the kitchen and away from her. Hopefully she’d calm down now. That had to be one of the most ridiculous and pathetic arguments we’d ever had. I still didn’t get the crap about my mum preferring Cole; she’d never treated them any different. She saw them both more because of Everleigh. And because Abby worked a lot!

  I shoved two plates in the microwave, ready to turn on when the Chinese arrived.

  After our awful evening yesterday I’d arranged to drop Everleigh off at mum’s and for Oakley to pick her up from there. Me and Abby needed a weekend away, somewhere we could relax without the monotonous everyday life stuff. We hadn’t talked properly or had sex in three weeks, and I was starting to feel like the distance between us was unfixable.

  I had to do something so I’d booked a Bed and Breakfast near the coast for Friday and Saturday night, and I was on my way to the school to surprise her.

  She shared car rides with another teacher so I’d spoken to Louise about not waiting around for Abby after school was out.

  Everything was planned, apart from her weekend bag. There was no way I was going to pack for her because my choices would just end up being wrong and/or inappropriate for public. We had time though. It was only three-thirty.

  I’d learnt not to come until fifteen minutes after school was out as it was hectic before. I also didn’t like the young girls looking at me, and Abby didn’t like getting comments about her ‘hot’ husband. Ten years ago I would’ve been eating it up.
r />   I walked through the front entrance and nodded to the girl still at reception. I knew her, so she waved me through, but I couldn’t remember her name, so I didn’t stop to make an idiot out of myself. Abby’s classroom was at the back of the school – about as far away as possible. Surely English was an important subject; it should be closer.

  Strolling through the halls brought back so many memories of me and Abby in school. We were inseparable from the minute we got to together; that seemed like such a long time ago now. I’d give anything to get that back again. I wanted her to look at me like I was the only guy on earth again, and I hoped this weekend would help with that.

  “Hello, Jasper,” Louise said as she stepped out of her classroom and closed the door.

  “Hey, Louise. ”

  “On your way to pick her up?”

  No, just here for the view! “Yeah. ”

  “I’ve been so excited for you all day. It’s been torture not telling her. She’s going to love a romantic weekend by the sea. ”

  “Yeah, I hope so. You didn’t tell her, right?”

  “Course not. Anyway, I’d better go, I’ve got my own romantic weekend planned with a stack of marking!” She nodded her head towards her bulging, oversized leather bag.

  “Sounds fun. ”

  “Doesn’t it,” she replied sarcastically and smiled. “Have a good weekend. ”

  “Thanks, try to relax too. ”

  “I will. Bye. ”

  I watched her disappear around the corner then made my way to the English block. Abby’s door was shut, and I tried to picture her face as I told her where we were going.

  I pushed the door opened and immediately wished I hadn’t.

  Chapter Nine

  My stomach lurched. I stood there staring at my wife with her tongue down another man’s throat. I’d been suspicious of her for a while but even so, I couldn’t quite believe she’d do it. They hadn’t seen me yet. I wanted to scream at her and knock that bastard the fuck out, but I couldn’t move. I was stuck watching her cut my heart out and piss all over the life we’d planned.

  She pulled away first and smiled at him the way she used to at me. Brett. Then, finally, she looked over and her face fell.

  “Oh no,” she whispered, pushing the prick away. “Jasper…”

  I held my hand up; there was no explanation for what she’d done.

  “Look, man,” Brett said, and before he got any further, I launched myself forwards. Abby screamed for me to stop, but I couldn’t. I was panting.