Players, Bumps and Cocktail Sausages

  “Did, er, did Frank stay all weekend?”

  “Yes. He was in a separate tent though. A bigger one. ”

  “You shared a tent with Max?” I asked. He wasn’t Dad to me, and he hadn’t been for a long time.

  “Yes. ”

  “And he definitely never did. . . anything. ”

  She shook her head. I knew he hadn’t; she’d said many times before that the man that created us never touched her like that – he’d just let his sick friend do it and took pictures. What we didn’t know was that the place it happened still haunted her. Secrets had plagued our family for years. I didn’t want any more.

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  “He was a different person when we were away. The change was instant. As soon as we were in the car he was cold and detached. Like he was severing our relationship in his mind so I was no longer his daughter. ”

  “Hope they fucking rot,” I growled.

  “Calm down,” she said, squeezing my hand. “Don’t let them get to you like this. We’re here, and they’re not. I never think of it as winning, but I suppose that’s the easiest thing to compare it to. If you let them rule you then they win. ”

  He’d already won. He may well spend the rest of his life in prison, but he’d screwed us up forever. Like Oakley said, it would always be there. I was a man; I was supposed to protect the women in my family. I failed my baby sister and all the time our dad was hurting her I was hero-worshiping him. I hated myself.

  “What can’t you get past? The guilt?” she asked. Her voice was so low I barely caught it.

  “That’s the main one. ”

  She squeezed my hand again; opting to not tell me I shouldn’t feel guilty for the seven millionth time. I loved that she didn’t blame me for not knowing; it would kill me if she did, but that didn’t mean that I didn’t blame myself. Who didn’t notice something like that?

  “I think I’m ready to go now. ”

  “Yeah?” I asked through clenched teeth, trying to calm myself down.

  “Yes. I expected to feel… more. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. ”

  “Good. I think good. ”

  She look up at me and smiled tightly.

  “I think maybe it is too. ”

  I turned, and it took her a second to move but then we were walking back to the car. We’d been there less than five minutes. It wasn’t over; I wasn’t stupid enough to think that demon had been exorcised already. It was more like opening the door for her to talk about it.

  “Now, how do you want to deal with Abby?” she asked.

  “Time machine so I can go back and not marry her. What the hell is wrong with me? I never should have given her a second chance. ”

  Oakley stopped, grabbing my arm and pulling me around to face her.

  “Don’t you ever blame yourself for what that bitch did. Even if you were growing apart, that doesn’t give her the right to cheat. It’s not your fault, Jasper. ”

  “I don’t know what to do now. I want to hate her. ”

  “I’m so sorry,” she whispered, wrapping her arms around me. I hugged her back, swallowing the rising lump in my throat.

  Her betrayal hurt like hell. The thought of her with another man, kissing him, underneath him, telling him what she wanted, made me want to hurl.

  “What am I going to do? I can’t get the image of them out of my head. I can’t stop thinking about her. ”

  “You’re going to be fine. You’re going to talk to her and sort out what you need to. Then you’re going to pick yourself up and start again. We’re all here to help, and you know you can stay at mine for as long as you like. ”

  Back at Oakley’s house, I excused myself from drinking tea with her and went up to ‘my’ room. She’d just dealt with something bigger than a cheating spouse, so I had to grow a pair and call my wife.

  As ready for this call as I thought I should be my heart still raced.

  “Jasper!” Abby said, sobbing down the phone. “Thank God. I’ve been trying to reach you. Baby, I’m so sorry. ”

  “Stop. ” I gripped the phone. Hearing her cry was shredding me. “Stop crying, you have no right to cry. ” And I can’t stand when you’re upset…even now. “I just want to know why. ”

  “I don’t know why. Please come home so we can talk. ”

  “I called you so we can talk. Tell me why. ”

  “Jasper,” she whispered.

  I clenched my fist. “Abby,” I snapped. “If you’re not going to give me what I want and tell me why then I’m just going to hang up. I didn’t call to hear you cry. I called to ask you why you cheated on me and destroyed our marriage. ”

  “Don’t say that. ” She started sobbing, and I wanted to throw my phone at the wall. “Please don’t tell me we can’t fix this. We’ve been though so much. I believe in us. I messed up, big time, but don’t–”

  I hung up. She was about to blame me for ending it and tell me that I’d given up, and I couldn’t hear that. I loved her, and I didn’t want to hate her completely but if she blamed me for all of this I was going to. But at the same time a part of me wanted to hear that because maybe hating her would stop it hurting.

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  For the next two hours, I laid on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. Oakley came in once not long after I’d spoken to Abby to tell me that she was popping to Cole’s sisters to drop Everleigh’s bag off because her and Leona had decided they wanted a sleepover.

  I was glad of the time alone, but as I moved into an hour and a half as a hermit I wished Oakley was back to distract me.

  Finally, when I was just about to go out of my mind or go looking for Brett, someone knocked on the door.

  “Jasper,” Cole said. “Can I come in?”

  I sat up. “Sure. ”

  He walked in and leant back against the wall. “You okay?”

  “Nope. ”

  “Sorry, stupid question. You need anything?”

  “Everleigh’s with Mia and Leona for the night?”

  Cole nodded.

  “Then I need something strong. ”

  “Coming downstairs? Bit too pathetic drinking alone, isn’t it?”

  “Thanks, man, you always know what to say,” I replied bitterly and stood up. He was right though; I couldn’t drink alone in the spare bedroom at my sister’s house. That was a level of pathetic I wasn’t quite ready to sink to.

  I followed Cole downstairs.

  “No lovey stuff tonight,” I said. The last thing I wanted to see was him stroking Oakley’s hair, playing with her fingers or kissing her.

  He looked over his shoulder, grinning. “You’re telling me to keep my hands off my wife?”

  Oakley laughed, hearing the last bit of our conversation.

  “No, I’m ordering you away from her. For tonight, you’re not all in love. ” I turned my nose up and reached in their cupboard. “Tonight the only love to be shown is to this great man. Mr Jack Daniels. ”

  Cole held his hands up. “Fine. ”

  “Good to see you out of that room,” Oakley said, putting two glasses down on the table.

  “You’re not drinking with us?”

  “Not that. I’ll have a glass of wine, but I need to be able to drive to pick Everleigh up in the morning. ”

  “You’re supposed to be working tomorrow. ” It was me that should be looking after her while Oakley worked. I loved the days I had her, but right now it was a struggle to do anything, I had no idea how I’d pretend to be happy for her sake.

  “It’s fine. Marcus is going to stay until the afternoon when Mum can take Eveleigh for a few hours. ”

  She’d sorted everything out then.

  “Marcus doesn’t mind?”

  She shook her head. “Of course not. He’s just concerned for you. And besides, he’s teaching classes until twelve anyway, it’s only an extra hour. ”

&n
bsp; “Sorry,” I said. I hated letting anyone down but when I let my sister or mum down I felt like crap.

  “Pour your drink, and I’ll pretend I didn’t hear you apologise,” she replied.

  “Jasper,” Oakley called from the front door.

  From the tone in her voice, I could tell that it was Abby. Cole and I had moved our drinking session into the living room. I wasn’t sure if he was being a baby about drinking or letting me have it all, but he’d only had two, small measure JD and cokes. It was almost like he didn’t want to get rat arsed at four in the afternoon.

  “Tell her to fuck off. ”

  “Jasper, please,” Abby shouted. “Come on, please just let me explain. You owe me that much. ”

  What the fuck? Again with the I owed her and blame in my direction. I jumped off the sofa and flew out of the door. Abby stood outside and Oakley just inside. “Are you fucking kidding me? I don’t owe you shit!”

  I stopped behind my sister who took her exit and closed herself in the living room.

  “I’m so sorry. I never planned to hurt you. It was a mistake, I swear. Brett means nothing to me. You have to believe me. ”

  She looked like shit. Her eyes were bloodshot and puffy. Her hair was all over the place, and she was wearing the clothes she put on at home to relax in. I hated that she still looked beautiful, and I still wanted her.

  “I love you so much, Jasper. ”

  I closed my eyes and gripped the doorframe. “Don’t say that. If you loved me, you wouldn’t have screwed someone else. ”

  “It was just one time. ” She held her hand up. “It only happened once, and when he kissed me I should have pushed him away. I was weak. I’m sorry. Tell me what I can do to make it up to you. You’re my husband, and I want us to work. I’ll do whatever you want. ”

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  “Did you fuck him in my house?”

  “No! Of course not. ”

  I believed that about as much as I believed it only happened once.

  “Do you love him?”

  “No. ”

  “So it was just sex? Or was it the thrill of something new? Am I not enough?”

  “Don’t do that. You’re enough, of course you are. ”

  “Then why, Abby? I thought this was past us. I thought you wanted us. ”

  “I do! I made a huge, huge mistake, and I’m sorry. I wish I could take it back, but I can’t. Please just come home with me and we’ll talk it through. I swear I will never hurt you again. ”

  “I don’t trust you. It took years to build that back up, and you’ve pissed all over it. I don’t even want to try. I love you, but I won’t let you cheat. You knew I would never forgive that again, and yet you slept with him anyway. ”

  Tears rolled down her face, smearing her mascara. I wanted to hold her, and I hated myself for that. Why couldn’t I just hate her?

  “Why him?”

  “I don’t know. He was nice. We got talking, and we have a lot in common. ”

  “I have a lot in common with Cole, but I’m not going to screw him!”

  She wiped her tears and sniffed. “I suppose it was exciting. We’ve been distant recently; you know we have–”

  “And that gives you the right to sleep with someone else? Fucking hell, Abby, if you feel something is missing in our marriage, tell me! I would’ve done anything to make it feel exciting for you again. I would’ve done anything for you. ”

  Her face crumpled, and she sobbed. “I know, and I know I hurt you, but we love each other. Jasper, we can make this work. We’ll try for a baby now. ”

  “Don’t. You have no right throwing that at me. You honestly think I’d want a child with you when all I see when I look at your face is you and him? How sick would that be? Kids aren’t stupid; they pick up on shit like that. Jesus we’d fuck that kid up more than you’ve fucked us up. ”

  I couldn’t believe she’d said that. She was getting desperate, offering me the thing I wanted the most. There was no way I could have a baby in a situation like that. I didn’t want a child with her at all, not anymore.

  “We’ll go to therapy and talk it through. We can fix this. ”

  “You’re not getting it. I don’t want to. ”

  She recoiled as if I’d hit her. “You don’t mean that. ”

  I took a deep breath as my heart ripped to shreds. “I’ll have my lawyer contact you, and I’ll pick up my stuff while you’re at work. There’s no need for us to talk to each other anymore. Goodbye, Abby. ”

  I slammed the door and fell to the side, hitting the wall.

  The living room door opened, and Oakley rushed to my side as I slumped to the floor and cried. Before she could get anything out of me, I told her I wanted to be alone and picked myself up.

  I went up to the spare room and climbed into bed, hoping I’d sleep until the morning.

  Chapter Eleven

  I sat in Oakley’s living room drinking my second tea – even though I wanted something stronger – and stared at a picture of me and Abby in a huge family collage photo frame on the wall. It was mine and Abby’s wedding. The picture of us made me feel sick; we looked so happy. How did we get from there to here?

  I should’ve been at work, but Oakley had Marcus cover us both so she could babysit me.

  “Can you call Mum and ask her for the number of the divorce lawyer she used?” I asked.

  Oakley looked up. “You’re sure? You don’t need to do any of that right now. If you need time to think everything through…”

  “I don’t need time. ”

  “Sure?” she asked.

  “If Cole cheated?”

  “I’d cut it off and then divorce him. ” She reached over to her phone on the coffee table. “I’ll call Mum. ”

  I watched as Oakley called our mum, and I mouthed a refusal to speak to her on the phone. She’d probably cry, and I hated when Mum cried, I didn’t need to deal with that too right now. Oakley jotted down a number, promising Mum that she would look after me.

  She blew out a sharp breath as she hung up. “You owe me one. She was almost in her car before I convinced her to give you some space. ”

  “Thanks. She can be intense. ”

  “She worries, that’s all. ”

  I nodded. “I know, but sometimes you need to not be okay, and I can’t do that in front of her. ”

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  “Can you do that in front of me?” she asked.

  “A bit. ”

  She bit her lip and turned her body to face me.

  “I want you to be able to be honest with me, Jasper. You don’t have to pretend around me. I thought we were past that. ”

  We’d never be past that. I would always want to protect her. She was upset when I was, so how could I let it all out in front of her?

  “I’m good, Oakley. ”

  “You just found out your wife is cheating on you. You’re not good! Don’t lie to me. ”

  “Fine, I’m not good. I feel sick, and I just want to. . . ” I trailed off, gripping my hair as Abby’s betrayal pierced through my heart again, taking my breath away.

  Oakley threw her arms around me. “Shh, you’re going to be okay. ”

  I wished I shared her optimism because right now everything I’d worked for was gone and I was going to have to start right back at the beginning.

  “Uncle Jasper!” Everleigh screamed, running at me full pelt. I threw my arms out and caught her as she leapt up.

  “Hey, did you have a good time at Auntie Mia’s?”

  “Yep, we made Peppa Pig cupcakes and Leona let me ride her scooter. ”

  “Yeah and you got most of the cake mix on you so upstairs for a bath,” Cole said, pointing to the stairs.

  “Okay, Daddy,” she replied, jumping like a rabbit towards the door.

  “Alright?” Cole asked.

  I shrugged. “I guess. ”
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  “Why don’t I give Everleigh her bath and you two can talk,” Oakley said.

  I stood up and shook my head. “Why don’t I do the bath and you two can talk. ”

  Those were the magic words to get Cole to agree so I wouldn’t have to deal with talking about Abby or my sodding feelings again.

  “Talk about what? Everything okay?” Cole asked.

  She smiled. “Everything’s fine. Jasper’s right though. ”

  I left the room as Cole walked over to her with a deep, concerned frown. It was time for them to talk about Oakley’s nightmares.

  Everleigh had just finished hopping to the top of the stairs when I started going up. “Don’t turn the water on yourself,” I called up.

  “I know, Uncle Jasper, I don’t want to burned my skin off. ”

  I winced; hoping Cole and Oakley didn’t hear that. They tell her ‘don’t do that because it’ll hurt’ and I go in for the kill and tell her exactly what’ll happen. But she’s never had an accident when I’ve had her.

  I ran Everleigh a bath, adding lots of bubble bath so she could build her castle out of it and sat on the toilet while she played.

  “Where’s Auntie Abby?” she asked after a few minutes.

  How should I handle that? I wanted to tell her Auntie Abby was a whore who couldn’t keep her knickers on, but Everleigh loved her, so I knew I couldn’t, plus she was three.

  I swallowed the hurt and anger and replied, “She busy working. ”

  “Is she marking papers?”

  I smiled. “Yeah, she’s marking papers. ”

  She was probably with Brett. Were they together now? In my house? I ran my hands through my hair and rubbed my eyes. The image of her in his embrace burned into my memory, haunting me every time I closed my eyes.

  “Uncle Jasper?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Can you make me have bubble hair?”

  I got down on my knees in front of the bath and scooped a handful of bubbles to put on her head. “Sure I can. ”

  Everleigh was the best. I hung out with her, watching old Disney movies and eating popcorn. I loved how I wasn’t required to talk about anything deep or painful. Her favourite topic was what’s Timon and Pumbaa going to do next.

  Cole and Oakley flitted around the house, occasionally joining us but after Oakley’s nightmare confession they’d had a lot to talk about. I preferred it being just me, and Everleigh anyway – she didn’t give me pitying looks.

  “Are you sure you want to go to Sarah’s tonight?” Cole asked.