The Unexpurgated Code

  If one wants to take advantage of such treatment offered, it is only fair that one swallows any umbrage felt in this bitch’s suggestion of one’s blatant scruffiness.

  In all occasions upon exhibiting the results of such squeezings to the squeezed, do give them adequate time to scrutinise such as it is extremely irritating when these exudate extrinsics are whisked away prematurely.

  Discarded Hairs and Nails

  Unless left for the purpose of finding if your room has been adequately cleaned during your absence, cast off body ingredients such as toe and finger nails, head and pubic hairs, are gigantically off putting to others who come upon them sprinkled on or stuck to toiletries, carpets and the like. Always summon the management and point to the offending particulars as confronting such is always a reliable sign of second rate accommodation.

  Discreet and comely people carry their usual crested small silver caskets for the deposit of their done with horny sheddings. Other less equipped folk may use appropriate envelopes. These must not, however, under any circumstances save the most dire, be mailed and then only to the most detested of enemies.

  Solitary Masturbation

  One should guard against interruptions which the silence prevailing during the enjoyment of this habit frequently occasions. Always have ready a quip to offer the person looking for you so that he may exercise an unembarrassed discreet retreat. Avoid however, the phrase.

  ‘I’ll be right with you.’

  As it leads an intruder with the intent of loitering, to reply.

  ‘O no, that’s all right, please take your time.’

  Upon coming upon someone engaged in this practice, always demonstrate your broadminded urbanity with a smile and the brief comment.

  ‘Ah you’re in good hands.’

  In cases where you feel you may be of assistance ask politely.

  ‘May I help you.’

  And when you do not want someone’s aid, respond.

  ‘Thanks but no thanks, I’m nearly coming.’

  Or in pukka.

  ‘How extremely kind of you but I do believe I am already about to piquantly shiver my timbers.’

  As the deposit and stain and accumulative stale stink of masturbatory deliquescences is not of the nicest, all good chaps having a pull should be mindful to provide napery to dispose of same. To leave grume upon one’s host’s sheets is a chink out of one’s haughty particularity, unless one hints next morning at breakfast of an unrelenting night of stormily sailing across a sea of wet dreams.

  The Vicissitudes of Clap

  With so many of your varied folk these days vicariously engaged in the clearly discourteous activity of unceremoniously clapping others up, some preventive prudencies are called for as it is often too late when partners the morning after have the audacity to hand out doctors’ prescriptions. However always accept such offers instantly as the microbe in question is eager to set up house, and therein, amid brand new luxuriance, be long termed entrenched.

  If you are guilty of clapping everybody up and news of your activity gets around don’t expect to be greeted with effusive delight on the rialto. Especially from a victim who has in turn dished out a dose to an unsympathetic spouse. However do be civil in the face of such acrimony and bow back your condolences.

  If you are contentedly not yet clapped up, it is wise not to let clapped up people ramble round your house. Even the lurking thought of clap you can’t catch off a doorknob unless you are overly intimate with it, and with which you are damn sure not about to be, is unpleasant

  Upon Being Clapped Up

  Take solace that a whole host of historically prominent folk precede you in suffering this annoyance. But once it is medically confirmed you are in this condition, the feeling is unmistakably not nice. Besides having to release one’s evil doings to a doctor who must, for the sake of protecting society from you, record such facts, you are conscience confined to cohabitation with others whom you believe, to the best of your knowledge, are chronically and hopelessly clapped up and to whom another dose will make little difference. However, this continual friendly little extension of hospitality to your respective microbes which, through interbreeding, pathologically improve their species, can keep you both clapped up forever.

  Naming Names of Clapper Uppers

  A moment of embarrassed hesitation will normally confront you upon releasing identifications to public health authorities of folk who have clapped you up or whom you have clapped up. This is always a sad occasion except for those unprincipled enough to relish throwing in a lot of innocent names for good measure.

  There is of course nothing quite like the tension encountered when a stranger confronts you with a notebook upon his knee taking down your details of this embarrassing disease. Be calm when innocently accused, and treat it as practice for the day when it might be true and you can release your own shit list of folk who although they might not have the disease, ought to have it.

  Upon Confronting the Clapped Up

  If you are yourself presently free of the troubling condition, try not to overtly wipe off door handles or drop utensils just touched by folk branded with this venereal ailment. But when in greeting a hand is offered by the clapped up for you to take, do then prevail upon your courage to state your position unequivocably.

  ‘Gosh if you don’t mind I’d prefer to shake hands when you’re cured.’

  Or in pukka.

  ‘I’m frightfully sorry but I cannot possibly allow myself to touch those morbidly infirm.’

  If the infected lady is devastatingly exciting and you cannot overcome your ardour this presents an awkward situation. Before you jump her and hoplessly contaminate yourself, do ask the victim to sit down to see if you can work out a medical treatment schedule during which, with a suggested proper employment of prophylactics, you can meanwhile nearly wholesomely enjoy her body.

  Now and again you will meet certain tweedy ladies who may not take well to such a proffered tactic and your face may suddenly be stinging from her instant slap followed by her challenge.

  ‘How dare you.’

  And it is permissible to riposte to test their effrontery for hollowness.

  ‘Holy cow, baby, I don’t want a dose dampening down my one eyed snake.’

  Or in pukka, using your most soulful manner.

  ‘Madam, I do beg not to displease, but it is you I am after, not your disease.’

  If madam still fumes with umbrage and takes lunging swipes at you with the broadside of her patent leather handbag, plus screaming and scratching and trying to kick you in the balls while drawing everybody’s attention as she chases you all over this elegant hotel lobby, you may then safely assume that she is not harbouring the affliction.

  But it is quite possible that her moral outrage will continue even after you take her to bed, where just as you are nodding off to sleep after succeeding in giving her a ruddy royal rogering, she may, being close up, leap fist pounding and face ripping upon you. Following all this if you do get the gleet, at least you’ll already have a recently familiar doctor near at hand to treat the additional affliction.

  Upon Placing the Blame for Venereal Infection

  Do this as soon as you can and admit to nothing. The first person getting in their accusation stands a better chance of appearing innocent. This finger pointing game is extremely ancient, with folk and races accusing and reaccusing other folk and anybody and races right back across oceans, continents and even further back into the dawn of time. Where indeed there may still stand some poor bastard at the mouth of his cave with his limp prick bandaged and hopelessly too Cro Magnon to point the blame even further backwards at a guilty looking bunch of passing orangoutangs.

  It always sounds better but alas is no better to have caught the clap from a social superior. However there is no need to be selective of the social class to whom you give it. But venereal disease does quickly lower your social tone when the rumour goes abounding that you’ve got it. Although movement in elite circles is
no certain protection it does lower the risk of gleet, merely because the unsavoury news of your having contracted it travels faster. And you may suddenly be left standing utterly alone toying desperately with your canapé at your next and perhaps your last refined cocktail party.

  The Syph

  This bug can by slow corkscrew propulsion, move either backwards or forwards, turn on its axis, or stand on its head nearly wagging its ears. It can also tolerate all kinds of inclement chill. And when it gets settled nicely in your tissues, its dislodgement is formidable.

  Although your income may avail you of the best treatment, neither your accent nor social position can prevent infection. With some Far Eastern varieties, these can even thrive on your huge arse given injections of cure. And to kill them you might just as well make your will as seek further prescriptions. Therefore it is deeply ungentlemanly and unladylike to hand out doses of this kind of pox.

  Upon introductions, keep a weather eye out for the moth eaten type loss of hair. Sores appearing chronically unhealed and other kinds of reprehensibles on the skin should be viewed with suspicion until the opponent has satisfactorily explained their harmless existence. And then make damn sure they haven’t been out to and recently returned from some no account wog land in the Far East.

  When pieces of arse are requested from persons who actually exhibit chancre, immediately refer to your appointments diary and exclaim with disappointment that you are unendingly booked solid. And direct them straight out of your house. Poxed up folk, principally of the loutish races, like the whole world to be poxed up with them. Be particularly careful of scruffy persons who are unmindful of their appearance. Impromptu gang bangers, holy orgy rollers and others looking for frequent and varied pieces of flesh interminglement are especially to be treated with caution. However if you don’t have long to live these admonitions may be overlooked.

  The Crab Louse

  Sometimes these little monsters in profusion about the private parts and hooked into the skin at the roots of the hair, can wreak more havoc than all your enemies formed into a well financed corporation the whole purpose of which is to get you. Because of their incredible engripment and optimistically prodigious reproduction abilities together with their slow crab like deliberate movement whenever they feel like a stroll, these infuriating little bugs can really settle in for the long haul upon your person.

  If as you lie there with this sweet thing in your arms and you begin to itch where you have not itched before and you wonder what in hell is chewing around your pubic hair follicles, it may already be too late. These bloody bugs with their nearly unbelievable migratory tactics can travel like trapeze artists right across her hairs to yours. And even though you only hesitate for brief additional seconds before leaping to your feet to dump mild methylated spirits all over your privates, these buggers may have already established their vice like toe holds in your crotch ermine.

  Increased itching will now be profound evidence that these mighty little mites are presently abroad on both your persons and grazing away. And unless you are still jumping all over the room with your prick and balls scalded by meths, severe silent embarrassment will exist between you and your partner. If your present life style happens not to be of the best, it will now suffer such a thoroughly despicable mortification that it could socially relegate you for good and always, especially if these considerable creatures get up into your eyebrows where others without any optic assistance can see them crawling around.

  Do not stupidly try dilute acids or hot baths, scorching yourself in the process. And aside from the disenchanting greasy handful this presents to another, do avoid the long term attempts to smother them with vaseline. It takes real he man chemicals to make these diminutive parasitic brutes pack up and vamoose. Your persistent scratching or undergoing a generally intolerable fidgitiness around your pubic parts is usually a dead giveaway. Watch carefully for such folk and although you may take comfort from the fact that this noxious animal is feeble at jumping, it is nevertheless prudent to stand well clear of infested persons.

  Since the most efficient remedy stinks to high heaven you will now find it necessary to come clean to all within smelling distance that you have the crabs. The fairminded will of course allow a moment of grace before their departure to acknowledge your explanation that you are under the speediest first class treatment for these beasts’ removal. Some callous folk however, ignoring nostrums, have been known to try to deliberately shift the entirety of their creatures onto someone else and astonishingly this sometimes works with the result that entire office staffs end up having to be fumigated.

  As low standards of hygiene are favourable to their multiplication, the pubic louse can be found in more groins than you can shake a stick at. In its epidemic form whole armies have been reduced to a bunch of scratching idiots unable to man mortar or cannon, with the opposing uninfested enemy able to charge unhindered to cut the loused up to pieces.

  The Flea

  If you do not detect this fantastic leaping animal by feeling its distinct assaults in a rising manner up and down the legs which immediately leads to scratching, then you will certainly notice the parasite’s presence as it drills for blood. And anyone, even those of the most haughtiest particularity, may be guilty of harbouring these little buggers.

  If, as with some hosts’ mutts, you suspect these ready to send a cloud of fleas upon your person, don’t hesitate to let fly with a boot in their direction. In the case of Irish wolfhounds or other monsters who might bite your foot off, make a run for it. But when taking tea with an elderly old lady who may sometimes unavoidably have these jumpers skittering about, it could be mortally wounding to her to withdraw. Rather pretend your discomfort as an old recurrence of piles. And a long vigorous walk later through the countryside will often rid you of the heaviest infestation.

  On aircraft or trains when it is obvious that it is one of your fleas which has jumped straight onto the open clear page of your winsome fellow passenger’s fashion magazine, immediately call the insect by the name, Igor. If your highly attractive seating partner hasn’t screamed or clawed her way over you to escape down the aisle it will astonish you how this conversational opener may get you places. Even into bed where, if you suspect it wasn’t your flea who jumped in the first place, it is recommended that you become immediately beware of the crabs.

  The Sneaky Doing of the Reprehensible

  Aside from the permissible brightening up of your day with merry pranks played on others, such as replacing shave lotion with vinegar and cat pee for perfume, there are also the moments when your own wilful choosing to do the decent or indecent thing to the weak and unprotected is at hand. This is the supreme testing time of a gentleman’s thoroughbred nobility.

  Secretly kicking small kittens up in the air or giving little children continued thumps on the chest till they cry are things which although they deeply satisfy your rotten inglorious inner nature, do mark you as a bully. Although better folk agonize in an effort to arrest this weakness of the personality, there are those who, presenting themselves as the dignified quintessence of respectable trustworthiness, still persist with relish in committing these unseemly vilenesses.

  Therefore when about to do something dastardly cruel and immeasurably sneaky especially upon a defenceless creature, double check that no one is looking. And further make sure there is a good supply of helpless victims before you allow this to become a deeply ingrained habit. It can rapidly be cured by taking up bullfighting.

  In Pursuit of Comfortable Habits

  At the Breast

  It is here that one first picks up many principles not to mention bewitchments that later become impulses of a lifetime. Pinching, punching and pulling at the breast and then swinging on the nipple as one gorges down mother’s milk cultivates one for future daily routines which can be full of pleasure, charm, delight and gladness. And it is permissible for the infant to screech and sock away baby bottles or other mammary substitutes. For not only do such imitati
ve contrivances blunt the palate but they can addle your digestion for a lifetime.

  In the Cradle

  In your first private domain, don’t just let anyone come and rock you. But if it is your mother always try to acknowledge her presence with a smile. When feeling discomfort from crapping and peeing in your diaper, howl until you are properly cleaned, dried, powdered and freshly attired. Remember you did not ask to be born, but having been, you now require certain civilized comforts.

  In Your High Chair

  In addition to your silver spoon, the first thing folk will try to put in your mouth is food that you do not like. This unpleasant practice stubbornly insisted upon by mommies who think they are giving you what’s good for you, can later in life make you forever insensitive to exotic foods. It is therefore allowable to push this unwanted grub away and should attempts to make you eat it persist, to then knock the purée of spinach all over the place.

  Upon Throwing Objects Out of Your Perambulator

  Many of your adult pleasant pastimes such as tennis, baseball, hockey and cricket not to mention lacrosse, golf and skittles, are first indoctrinated in this manner. But in unloading various objects over the side of your pram, elders do not seem to understand that this is your way of first learning and then exhaustively testing the laws of gravity. If you lack objects to throw or if those items already thrown are not returned in a reasonable time, it is permissible to bawl loudly.