Kiss Kiss

  He paused, and there was a gleam of pride in his eye now as he dwelt for a moment or two upon the memory of his father, the great inventor.

  'So that's Method Number One,' he said. 'Method Number Two is even more simple still. All you do is you have a fishing line. Then you bait the hook with a raisin and you fish for the pheasant just like you fish for a fish. You pay out the line about fifty yards and you lie there on your stomach in the bushes waiting till you get a bite. Then you haul him in.'

  'I don't think your father invented that one.'

  'It's very popular with fishermen,' he said, choosing not to hear me. 'Keen fishermen who can't get down to the seaside as often as they want. It gives them a bit of the old thrill. The only trouble is it's rather noisy. The pheasant squawks like hell as you haul him in, and then every keeper in the wood comes running.'

  'What is Method Number Three?' I asked.

  'Ah,' he said. 'Number Three's a real beauty. It was the last one my dad ever invented before he passed away.'

  'His final great work?'

  'Exactly, Gordon. And I can even remember the very day it happened, a Sunday morning it was, and suddenly my dad comes into the kitchen holding a huge white cockerel in his hands and he says, "I think I've got it!" There's a little smile on his face and a shine of glory in his eyes and he comes in very soft and quiet and he puts the bird down right in the middle of the kitchen table and he says, "By God I think I've got a good one this time!" "A good what?" Mum says, looking up from the sink. "Horace, take that filthy bird off my table." The cockerel has a funny little paper hat over its head, like an ice-cream cone upside down, and my dad is pointing to it proudly. "Stroke him," he says. "He won't move an inch." The cockerel starts scratching away at the paper hat with one of its feet, but the hat seems to be stuck on with glue and it won't come off. "No bird in the world is going to run away once you cover up his eyes," my dad says, and he starts poking the cockerel with his finger and pushing it around on the table, but it doesn't take the slightest bit of notice. "You can have this one," he says, talking to Mum. "You can kill it and dish it up for dinner as a celebration of what I have just invented." And then straight away he takes me by the arm and marches me quickly out the door and off we go over the fields and up into the big forest the other side of Haddenham which used to belong to the Duke of Buckingham, and in less than two hours we get five lovely fat pheasants with no more trouble than it takes to go out and buy them in a shop.'

  Claud paused for breath. His eyes, were huge and moist and dreamy as they gazed back into the wonderful world of his youth.

  'I don't quite follow this,' I said. 'How did he get the paper hats over the pheasants' heads up in the woods?'

  'You'd never guess it.'

  'I'm sure I wouldn't.'

  'Then here it is. First of all you dig a little hole in the ground. Then you twist a piece of paper into the shape of a cone and you fit this into the hole, hollow end upward, like a cup. Then you smear the paper cup all around the inside with bird-lime and drop in a few raisins. At the same time you lay a trail of raisins along the ground leading up to it. Now - the old pheasant comes pecking along the trail, and when he gets to the hole he pops his head inside to gobble the raisins and the next thing he knows he's got a paper hat stuck over his eyes and he can't see a thing. Isn't it marvellous what some people think of, Gordon? Don't you agree?'

  'Your dad was a genius,' I said.

  'Then take your pick. Choose whichever one of the three methods you fancy and we'll use it tonight.'

  'You don't think they're all just a trifle on the crude side, do you?'

  'Crude!' he cried, aghast. 'Oh my God! And who's been having roasted pheasant in the house nearly every single day for the last six months and not a penny to pay?'

  He turned and walked away towards the door of the workshop. I could see that he was deeply pained by my remark.

  'Wait a minute,' I said. 'Don't go.'

  'You want to come or don't you?'

  'Yes, but let me ask you something first. I've just had a bit of an idea.'

  'Keep it,' he said. 'You are talking about a subject you don't know the first thing about.'

  'Do you remember that bottle of sleeping-pills the doc gave me last month when I had a bad back?'

  'What about them?'

  'Is there any reason why those wouldn't work on a pheasant?'

  Claud closed his eyes and shook his head pityingly from side to side.

  'Wait,' I said.

  'It's not worth discussing,' he said. 'No pheasant in the world is going to swallow those lousy red capsules. Don't you know any better than that?'

  'You are forgetting the raisins,' I said. 'Now listen to this. We take a raisin. Then we soak it till it swells. Then we make a tiny slit in one side of it with a razor-blade. Then we hollow it out a little. Then we open up one of my red capsules and pour all the powder into the raisin. Then we get a needle and cotton and very carefully we sew up the slit. Now...'

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Claud's mouth slowly beginning to open.

  'Now,' I said. 'We have a nice clean-looking raisin with two and a half grains of seconal inside it, and let me tell you something now. That's enough dope to knock the average man unconscious, never mind about birds!'

  I paused for ten seconds to allow the full impact of this to strike home.

  'What's more, with this method we could operate on a really grand scale. We could prepare twenty raisins if we felt like it, and all we'd have to do is scatter them around the feeding-grounds at sunset and then walk away. Half an hour later we'd come back, and the pills would be beginning to work, and the pheasants would be up in the trees by then, roosting, and they'd be starting to feel groggy, and they'd be wobbling and trying to keep their balance, and soon every pheasant that had eaten one single raisin would keel over unconscious and fall to the ground. My dear boy, they'd be dropping out of the trees like apples, and all we'd have to do is walk around picking them up!'

  Claud was staring at me, rapt.

  'Oh Christ,' he said softly.

  'And they'd never catch us either. We'd simply stroll through the woods dropping a few raisins here and there as we went, and even if they were watching us they wouldn't notice anything.'

  'Gordon,' he said, laying a hand on my knee and gazing at me with eyes large and bright as two stars. 'If this thing works, it will revolutionize poaching.'

  'I'm glad to hear it.'

  'How many pills have you got left?' he asked.

  'Forty-nine. There were fifty in the bottle and I've only used one.'

  'Forty-nine's not enough. We want at least two hundred.'

  'Are you mad!' I cried.

  He walked slowly away and stood by the door with his back to me, gazing at the sky.

  'Two hundred's the bare minimum,' he said quietly. 'There's really not much point in doing it unless we have two hundred.'

  What is it now, I wondered. What the hell's he trying to do?

  'This is the last chance we'll have before the season opens,' he said.

  'I couldn't possibly get any more.'

  'You wouldn't want us to come back empty-handed, would you?'

  'But why so many?'

  Claud turned his head and looked at me with large innocent eyes. 'Why not?' he said gently. 'Do you have any objection?'

  My God, I thought suddenly. The crazy bastard is out to wreck Mr Victor Hazel's opening-day shooting-party.

  'You get us two hundred of those pills,' he said, 'and then it'll be worth doing.'

  'I can't.'

  'You could try, couldn't you?'

  Mr Hazel's party took place on the first of October every year and it was a very famous event. Debilitated gentlemen in tweed suits, some with titles and some who were merely rich, motored in from miles around with their gun-bearers and dogs and wives, and all day long the noise of shooting rolled across the valley. There were always enough pheasants to go round, for each summer the woods were methodically restoc
ked with dozens and dozens of young birds at incredible expense. I had heard it said that the cost of rearing and keeping each pheasant up to the time when it was ready to be shot was well over five pounds (which is approximately the price of two hundred loaves of bread). But to Mr Hazel it was worth every penny of it. He became, if only for a few hours, a big cheese in a little world and even the Lord Lieutenant of the County slapped him on the back and tried to remember his first name when he said good-bye.

  'How would it be if we just reduced the dose?' Claud asked. 'Why couldn't we divide the contents of one capsule among four raisins?'

  'I suppose you could if you wanted to.'

  'But would a quarter of a capsule be strong enough for each bird?'

  One simply had to admire the man's nerve. It was dangerous enough to poach a single pheasant up in those woods at this time of year and here he was planning to knock off the bloody lot.

  'A quarter would be plenty,' I said.

  'You're sure of that?'

  'Work it out for yourself. It's all done by bodyweight. You'd still be giving about twenty times more than is necessary.'

  'Then we'll quarter the dose,' he said, rubbing his hands. He paused and calculated for a moment. 'We'll have one hundred and ninety-six raisins!'

  'Do you realize what that involves?' I said. 'They'll take hours to prepare.'

  'What of it!' he cried. 'We'll go tomorrow instead. We'll soak the raisins overnight and then we'll have all morning and afternoon to get them ready.'

  And that was precisely what we did.

  Now, twenty-four hours later, we were on our way. We had been walking steadily for about forty minutes and we were nearing the point where the lane curved round to the right and ran along the crest of the hill towards the big wood where the pheasants lived. There was about a mile to go.

  'I don't suppose by any chance these keepers might be carrying guns?' I asked.

  'All keepers carry guns,' Claud said.

  I had been afraid of that.

  'It's for the vermin mostly.'

  'Ah.'

  'Of course there's no guarantee they won't take a pot at a poacher now and again.'

  'You're joking.'

  'Not at all. But they only do it from behind. Only when you're running away. They like to pepper you in the legs at about fifty yards.'

  'They can't do that!' I cried. 'It's a criminal offence!'

  'So is poaching,' Claud said.

  We walked on awhile in silence. The sun was below the high hedge on our right now and the lane was in shadow.

  'You can consider yourself lucky this isn't thirty years ago,' he went on. 'They used to shoot you on sight in those days.'

  'Do you believe that?'

  'I know it,' he said. 'Many's the night when I was a nipper I've gone into the kitchen and seen my old dad lying face downward on the table and Mum standing over him digging the grapeshot out of his buttocks with a potato knife.'

  'Stop,' I said. 'It makes me nervous.'

  'You believe me, don't you?'

  'Yes, I believe you.'

  'Towards the end he was so covered in tiny little white scars he looked exactly like it was snowing.'

  'Yes,' I said. 'All right.'

  'Poacher's arse, they used to call it,' Claud said. 'And there wasn't a man in the whole village who didn't have a bit of it one way or another. But my dad was the champion.'

  'Good luck to him,' I said.

  'I wish to hell he was here now,' Claud said, wistful. 'He'd have given anything in the world to be coming with us on this job tonight.'

  'He could take my place,' I said. 'Gladly.'

  We had reached the crest of the hill and now we could see the wood ahead of us, huge and dark with the sun going down behind the trees and little sparks of gold shining through.

  'You'd better let me have those raisins,' Claud said.

  I gave him the bag and he slid it gently into his trouser pocket.

  'No talking once we're inside,' he said. 'Just follow me and try not to go snapping any branches.'

  Five minutes later we were there. The lane ran right up to the wood itself and then skirted the edge of it for about three hundred yards with only a little hedge between. Claud slipped through the hedge on all fours and I followed.

  It was cool and dark inside the wood. No sunlight came in at all.

  'This is spooky,' I said.

  'Ssshh!'

  Claud was very tense. He was walking just ahead of me, picking his feet up high and putting them down gently on the moist ground. He kept his head moving all the time, the eyes sweeping slowly from side to side, searching for danger. I tried doing the same, but soon I began to see a keeper behind every tree, so I gave it up.

  Then a large patch of sky appeared ahead of us in the roof of the forest and I knew that this must be the clearing. Claud had told me that the clearing was the place where the young birds were introduced into the woods in early July, where they were fed and watered and guarded by the keepers, and where many of them stayed from force of habit until the shooting began.

  'There always plenty of pheasants in the clearing,' he had said.

  'Keepers too, I suppose.'

  'Yes, but there's thick bushes all around and that helps.'

  We were now advancing in a series of quick crouching spurts, running from tree to tree and stopping and waiting and listening and running on again, and then at last we were kneeling safely behind a big clump of alder right on the edge of the clearing and Claud was grinning and nudging me in the ribs and pointing through the branches at the pheasants.

  The place was absolutely stiff with birds. There must have been two hundred of them at least strutting around among the tree-stumps.

  'You see what I mean?' Claud whispered.

  It was an astonishing sight, a sort of poacher's dream come true. And how close they were! Some of them were not more than ten paces from where we knelt. The hens were plump and creamy-brown and they were so fat their breast-feathers almost brushed the ground as they walked. The cocks were slim and beautiful, with long tails and brilliant red patches around the eyes, like scarlet spectacles. I glanced at Claud. His big ox-like face was transfixed in ecstasy. The mouth was slightly open and the eyes had a kind of glazy look about them as they stared at the pheasants.

  I believe that all poachers react in roughly the same way as this on sighting game. They are like women who sight large emeralds in a jeweller's window, the only difference being that the women are less dignified in the methods they employ later on to acquire the loot. Poacher's arse is nothing to the punishment that a female is willing to endure.

  'Ah-ha,' Claud said softly. 'You see the keeper?'

  'Where?'

  'Over the other side, by that big tree. Look carefully.'

  'My God!'

  'It's all right. He can't see us.'

  We crouched close to the ground, watching the keeper. He was a smallish man with a cap on his head and a gun under his arm. He never moved. He was like a little post standing there.

  'Let's go,' I whispered.

  The keeper's face was shadowed by the peak of his cap, but it seemed to me that he was looking directly at us.

  'I'm not staying here,' I said.

  'Hush,' Claud said.

  Slowly, never taking his eyes from the keeper, he reached into his pocket and brought out a single raisin. He placed it in the palm of his right hand, and then quickly, with a little flick of the wrist, he threw the raisin high into the air. I watched it as it went sailing over the bushes and I saw it land within a yard or so of two henbirds standing together beside an old tree-stump. Both birds turned their heads sharply at the drop of the raisin. Then one of them hopped over and made a quick peck at the ground and that must have been it.

  I glanced up at the keeper. He hadn't moved.

  Claud threw a second raisin into the clearing; then a third, and a fourth, and a fifth.

  At this point, I saw the keeper turn away his head in order to survey the
wood behind him.

  Quick as a flash, Claud pulled the paper bag out of his pocket and tipped a huge pile of raisins into the cup of his right hand.

  'Stop,' I said.

  But with a great sweep of the arm he flung the whole handful high over the bushes into the clearing.

  They fell with a soft little patter, like raindrops on dry leaves, and every single pheasant in the place must either have seen them coming or heard them fall. There was a flurry of wings and a rush to find the treasure.

  The keeper's head flicked round as though there were a spring inside his neck. The birds were all pecking away madly at the raisins. The keeper took two quick paces forward and for a moment I thought he was going in to investigate. But then he stopped, and his face came up and his eyes began travelling slowly around the perimeter of the clearing.

  'Follow me,' Claud whispered. 'And keep down.' He started crawling away swiftly on all fours, like some kind of a monkey.

  I went after him. He had his nose close to the ground and his huge tight buttocks were winking at the sky and it was easy to see now how poacher's arse had come to be an occupational disease among the fraternity.

  We went along like this for about a hundred yards.

  'Now run,' Claud said.

  We got to our feet and ran, and a few minutes later we emerged through the hedge into the lovely open safety of the lane.

  'It went marvellous,' Claud said, breathing heavily. 'Didn't it go absolutely marvellous?' The big face was scarlet and glowing with triumph.

  'It was a mess,' I said.

  'What!' he cried.

  'Of course it was. We can't possibly go back now. That keeper knows there was someone there.'

  'He knows nothing,' Claud said. 'In another five minutes it'll be pitch dark inside the wood and he'll be sloping off home to his supper.'

  'I think I'll join him.'

  'You're a great poacher,' Claud said. He sat down on the grassy bank under the hedge and lit a cigarette.

  The sun had set now and the sky was a pale smoke blue, faintly glazed with yellow. In the woods behind us the shadows and the spaces in between the trees were turning from grey to black.

  'How long does a sleeping-pill take to work?' Claud asked.

  'Look out,' I said. 'There's someone coming.'

  The man had appeared suddenly and silently out of the dusk and he was only thirty yards away when I saw him.

  'Another bloody keeper,' Claud said.

  We both looked at the keeper as he came down the lane towards us. He had a shotgun under his arm and there was a black Labrador walking at his heels. He stopped when he was a few paces away and the dog stopped with him and stayed behind him, watching us through the keeper's legs.