Memoirs of a Geisha

king over my mind as the wind is to stop itself from blowing. So I stepped back and sank onto the stone step of the entryway, with the door against my back, and began to cry. I couldn't stop thinking about Mr. Tanaka. He had taken me from my mother and father, sold me into slavery, sold my sister into something even worse. I had taken him for a kind man. I had thought he was so refined, so worldly. What a stupid child I had been! I would never go back to Yoroido, I decided. Or if I did go back, it would only be to tell Mr. Tanaka how much I hated him.

When at last I got to my feet and wiped my eyes on my wet robe, the rain had eased to a mist. The paving stones in the alley sparkled gold from the reflection of the lanterns. I made my way back through the Tominaga-cho section of Gion to the Minamiza Theater, with its enormous tiled roof that had made me think of a palace the day Mr. Bekku brought Satsu and me from the train station. The maid at the Mizuki Teahouse had told me to walk along the river past the Minamiza; but the road running along the river stopped at the theater. So I followed the street behind the Minamiza instead. After a few blocks I found myself in an area without streetlights and nearly empty of people. I didn't know it at the time, but the streets were empty mostly because of the Great Depression; in any other era Miyagawa-cho might have been busier even than Gion. That evening it seemed to me a very sad place-which indeed I think it has always been. The wooden facades looked like Gion, but the place had no trees, no lovely Shirakawa Stream, no beautiful entryways. The only illumination came from lightbulbs in the open doorways, where old women sat on stools, often with two or three women I took to be geisha on the street beside them. They wore kimono and hair ornaments similar to geisha, but their obi were tied in the front rather than the back. I'd never seen this before and didn't understand it, but it's the mark of a prostitute. A woman who must take her sash on and off all night can't be bothered with tying it behind her again and again.

With the help of one of these women, I found the Tatsuyo in a dead-end alley with only three other houses. All were marked with placards near their doors. I can't possibly describe how I felt when I saw the sign lettered "Tatsuyo," but I will say that my body seemed to tingle everywhere, so much that I felt I might explode. In the doorway of the Tatsuyo sat an old woman on a stool, carrying on a conversation with a much younger woman on a stool across the alley-though really it was the old woman who did all the talking. She sat leaning back against the door frame with her gray robe sagging partway open and her feet stuck out in a pair of zori. These were zori woven coarsely from straw, of the sort you might have seen in Yoroido, and not at all like the beautifully lacquered zori Hatsumomo wore with her kimono. What was more, this old woman's feet were bare, rather than fitted with the smooth silk tabi. And yet she thrust them out with their uneven nails just as though she were proud of the way they looked and wanted to be sure you noticed them.

"Just another three weeks, you know, and I'm not coming back," she was saying. "The mistress thinks I am, but I'm not. My son's wife is going to take good care of me, you know. She's not clever, but she works hard. Didn't you meet her?"

"If I did I don't remember," the younger woman across the way said. "There's a little girl waiting to talk with you. Don't you see her?"

At this, the old woman looked at me for the first time. She didn't say anything, but she gave a nod of her head to tell me she was listening.

"Please, ma'am," I said, "do you have a girl here named Satsu?"

"We don't have any Satsu," she said.

I was too shocked to know what to say to this; but in any case, the old woman suddenly looked very alert, because a man was just walking past me toward the entrance. She stood partway and gave him several bows with her hands on her knees and told him, "Welcome!" When he'd entered, she put herself back down on the stool and stuck her feet out again.

"Why are you still here?" the old woman said to me. "I told you we don't have any Satsu."

"Yes, you do," said the younger woman across the way. "Your Yukiyo. Her name used to be Satsu, I remember."

"That's as may be," replied the old woman. "But we don't have any Satsu for this girl. I don't get myself into trouble for nothing."

I didn't know what she meant by this, until the younger woman muttered that I didn't look as if I had even a single sen on me. And she was quite right. A sen-which was worth only one hundredth of a yen-was still commonly used in those days, though a single one wouldn't buy even an empty cup from a vendor. I'd never held a coin of any kind in my hand since coming to Kyoto. When running errands, I asked that the goods be charged to the Nitta okiya.

"If it's money you want," I said, "Satsu will pay you."

"Why should she pay to speak to the likes of you?"

"I'm her little sister."

She beckoned me with her hand; and when I neared her, she took me by the arms and spun me around.

"Look at this girl," she said to the woman across the alley. "Does she look like a little sister to Yukiyo? If our Yukiyo was as pretty as this one, we'd be the busiest house in town! You're a liar, is what you are." And with this, she gave me a little shove back out into the alley.

I'll admit I was frightened. But I was more determined than frightened, and I'd already come this far; I certainly wasn't going to leave just because this woman didn't believe me. So I turned myself around and gave her a bow, and said to her, "I apologize if I seem to be a liar, ma'am. But I'm not. Yukiyo is my sister. If you'd be kind enough to tell her Chiyo is here, she'll pay you what you want."

This must have been the right thing to say, because at last she turned to the younger woman across the alley. "You go up for me. You're not busy tonight. Besides, my neck is bothering me. I'll stay here and keep an eye on this girl."

The younger woman stood up from her stool and walked across into the Tatsuyo. I heard her climbing the stairs inside. Finally she came back down and said:

"Yukiyo has a customer. When he's done, someone will tell her to come down."

The old woman sent me into the shadows on the far side of the door to squat where I couldn't be seen. I don't know how much time passed, but I grew more and more worried that someone in the okiya might discover me gone. I had an excuse for leaving, though Mother would be angry with me just the same; but I didn't have an excuse for staying away. Finally a man came out, picking at his teeth with a toothpick. The old woman stood to bow and thanked him for coming. And then I heard the most pleasing sound I'd heard since coming to Kyoto.

"You wanted me, ma'am?"

It was Satsu's voice.

I sprang to my feet and rushed to where she stood in the doorway. Her skin looked pale, almost gray-though perhaps it was only because she wore a kimono of garish yellows and reds. And her mouth was painted with a bright lipstick like the kind Mother wore. She was just tying her sash in the front, like the women I'd seen on my way there. I felt such relief at seeing her, and such excitement, I could hardly keep from rushing into her arms; and Satsu too let out a cry and covered her hand with her mouth.

"The mistress will be angry with me," the old woman said.

"I'll come right back," Satsu told her, and disappeared inside the Tatsuyo again. A moment or so later she was back, and dropped several coins into the woman's hand, who told her to take me into the spare room on the first floor.

"And if you hear me cough," she added, "it means the mistress is coming. Now hurry up."

I followed Satsu into the gloomy entrance hall of the Tatsuyo. Its light was brown more than yellow, and the air smelled like sweat. Beneath the staircase was a sliding door that had come off its track. Satsu tugged it open, and with difficulty managed to shut it behind us. We were standing in a tiny tatami room with only one window, covered by a paper screen. The light from outdoors was enough for me to see Satsu's form, but nothing of her features.

"Oh, Chiyo," she said, and then she reached up to scratch her face. Or at least, I thought she was scratching her face, for I couldn't see well. It took me a moment to understand she was crying. After this I could do nothing to hold back my own tears.

"I'm so sorry, Satsu!" I told her. "It's all my fault."

Somehow or other we stumbled toward each other in the dark until we were hugging. I found that all I could think about was how bony she'd grown. She stroked my hair in a way that made me think of my mother, which caused my eyes to well up so much I might as well have been underwater.

"Quiet, Chiyo-chan," she whispered to me. With her face so close to mine, her breath had a pungent odor when she spoke. "I'll get a beating if the mistress finds out you were here. Why did it take you so long!"

"Oh, Satsu, I'm so sorry! I know you came to my okiya..."

"Months ago."

"The woman you spoke with there is a monster. She wouldn't give me the message for the longest time."

"I have to run away, Chiyo. I can't stay here in this place any longer."

"I'll come with you!"

"I have a train schedule hidden under the tatami mats upstairs. I've been stealing money whenever I can. I have enough to pay off Mrs. Kishino. She gets beaten whenever a girl escapes. She won't let me go unless I pay her first."

"Mrs. Kishino... who is she?"

"The old lady at the front door. She's going away. I don't know who will take her place. I can't wait any longer! This is a horrible spot. Never end up anywhere like this, Chiyo! You'd better go now. The mistress may be here at any moment."

"But wait. When do we run away?"

"Wait in the corner there, and don't say a word. I have to go upstairs."

I did as she told me. While she was gone I heard the old woman at the front door greet a man, and then his heavy footsteps ascended the stairs over my head. Soon someone came down again hurriedly, and the door slid open. I felt panicked for a moment, but it was only Satsu, looking very pale.

"Tuesday. We'll run away Tuesday late at night, five days from now. I have to go upstairs, Chiyo. A man has come for me."

"But wait, Satsu. Where will we meet? What time?"

"I don't know... one in the morning. But I don't know where."

I suggested we meet near the Minamiza Theater, but Satsu thought it would be too easy for people to find us. We agreed to meet at a spot exactly across the river from it.

"I have to go now," she said.

"But, Satsu... what if I can't get away? Or what if we don't meet up?"

"Just be there, Chiyo! I'll only have one chance. I've waited as long as I can. You have to go now before the mistress comes back. If she catches you here, I may never be able to run away."

There were so many things I wanted to say to her, but she took me out into the hallway and wrenched the door shut behind us. I would have watched her go up the stairs, but in a moment the old woman from the doorway had taken me by the arm and pulled me out into the darkness of the street.




*



I ran back from Miyagawa-cho and was relieved to find the okiya as quiet as I'd left it. I crept inside and knelt in the dim light of the entrance hall, dabbing the sweat from my forehead and neck with the sleeve of my robe and trying to catch my breath. I was just beginning to settle down, now that I'd succeeded in not getting caught. But then I looked at the door to the maids' room and saw that it stood open a bit, just wide enough to reach an arm through, and I felt myself go cold. No one ever left it that way. Except in hot weather it was usually closed all the way. Now as I watched it, I felt certain I heard a rustling sound from within. I hoped it was a rat; because if it wasn't a rat, it was Hatsumomo and her boyfriend again. I began to wish I hadn't gone to Miyagawa-cho. I wished it so hard that if such a thing had been possible, I think time itself would have begun to run backward just from the force of all my wishing. I got to my feet and crept down onto the dirt corridor, feeling dizzy from worry, and with my throat as dry as a patch of dusty ground. When I reached the door of the maids' room, I brought my eye to the crack to peer inside. I couldn't see well. Because of the damp weather, Yoko had lit charcoal earlier that evening in the brazier set into the floor; only a faint glow remained, and in that dim light, something small and pale was squirming. I almost let out a scream when I saw it, because I was sure it was a rat, with its head bobbing around as it chewed at something. To my horror I could even hear the moist, smacking sounds of its mouth. It seemed to be standing up on top of something, I couldn't tell what. Stretching out toward me were two bundles of what I thought were probably rolled-up fabric, which gave me the impression it had chewed its way up between them, spreading them apart as it went. It was eating something Yoko must have left there in the room. I was just about to shut the door, for I was frightened it might run out into the corridor with me, when I heard a woman's moan. Then suddenly from beyond where the rat was chewing, a head raised up and Hatsumomo was looking straight at me. I jumped back from the door. What I'd thought were bundles of rolled-up fabric were her legs. And the rat wasn't a rat at all. It was her boyfriend's pale hand protruding from his sleeve.

"What is it?" I heard her boyfriend's voice say. "Is someone there?"

"It's nothing," Hatsumomo whispered.

"Someone's there."

"No, it's no one at all," she said. "I thought I heard something, but it's no one."

There was no question in my mind Hatsumomo had seen me. But she apparently didn't want her boyfriend to know. I hurried back to kneel in the hallway, feeling as shaken as if I'd almost been run over by a trolley. I heard groans and noises coming from the maids' room for some time, and then they stopped. When Hatsumomo and her boyfriend finally stepped out into the corridor, her boyfriend looked right at me.

"That girl's in the front hall," he said. "She wasn't there when I came in."

"Oh, don't pay her any attention. She was a bad girl tonight and went out of the okiya when she wasn't supposed to. I'll deal with her later."

"So there was someone spying on us. Why did you lie to me?"

"Koichi-san," she said, "you're in such a bad mood tonight!"

"You aren't the least surprised to see her. You knew she was there all along."

Hatsumomo's boyfriend came striding up to the front entrance hall and stopped to glower at me before stepping down into the entryway. I kept my eyes to the floor, but I could feel myself blush a brilliant red. Hatsumomo rushed past me to help him with his shoes. I heard her speak to him as I'd never heard her speak to anyone before, in a pleading, almost whining voice.

"Koichi-san, please," she said, "calm down. I don't know what's gotten into you tonight! Come again tomorrow..."

"I don't want to see you tomorrow."

"I hate when you make me wait so long. I'll meet you anywhere you say, on the bottom of the riverbed, even."

"I don't have anywhere to meet you. My wife watches over me too much as it is."

"Then come back here. We have the maids' room-"

"Yes, if you like sneaking around and being spied on! Just let me go, Hatsumomo. I want to get home."

"Please don't be angry with me, Koichi-san. I don't know why you get this way! Tell me you'll come back, even if it isn't tomorrow."

"One day I won't come back," he said. "I've told you that all along."

I heard the outside door roll open, and then it closed again; after a time Hatsumomo came back into the front entrance hall and stood peering down the corridor at nothing. Finally she turned to me and wiped the moisture from her eyes.

"Well, little Chiyo," she said. "You went to visit that ugly sister of yours, didn't you?"

"Please, Hatsumomo-san," I said.

"And then you came back here to spy on me!" Hatsumomo said this so loudly, she woke one of the elderly maids, who propped herself on her elbow to look at us. Hatsumomo shouted at her, "Go back to sleep, you stupid old woman!" and the maid shook her head and lay back down again.

"Hatsumomo-san, I'll do whatever you want me to do," I said. "I don't want to get in trouble with Mother."

"Of course you'll do whatever I want you to do. That isn't even a subject for discussion! And you're already in trouble."

"I had to go out to deliver your shamisen."

"That was more than an hour ago. You went to find your sister, and you made plans to run away with her. Do you think I'm stupid? And then you came back here to spy on me!"

"Please forgive me," I said. "I didn't know it was you there! I thought it was-"

I wanted to tell her I'd thought I'd seen a rat, but I didn't think she'd take it kindly.

She peered at me for a time and then went upstairs to her room. When she came back down, she was holding something in her fist.

"You want to run away with your sister, don't you?" she said. "I think that's a fine idea. The sooner you're out of the okiya, the better for me. Some people think I don't have a heart, but it isn't true. It's touching to imagine you and that fat cow going off to try to make a living someplace, all alone in the world! The sooner you're out of here, the better for me. Stand up."

I stood, though I was afraid of what she was going to do to me. Whatever she was holding in her fist she wanted to tuck beneath the sash of my robe; but when she stepped toward me, I backed away.

"Look," she said, and opened her hand. She was holding a number of folded bills-more money than I'd ever seen, though I don't know how much. "I've brought this from my room for you. You don't need to thank me. Just take it. You'll repay me by getting yourself out of Kyoto so I'll never have to see you again."

Auntie had told me never to trust Hatsumomo, even if she offered to help me. But when I reminded myself how much Hatsumomo hated me, I understood that she wasn't really helping me at all; she was helping herself to be rid of me. I stood still as she reached into my robe and tucked the bills under my sash. I felt her glassy nails brushing against my skin. She spun me around to retie the sash so the money wouldn't slip, and then she did the strangest thing. She turned me around to face her again, and began to stroke the side of my head with her hand, wearing an almost motherly gaze. The very idea of Hatsumomo behaving kindly toward me was so odd, I felt as if a poisonous snake had come up and begun to rub against me like a cat. Then before I knew what she was doing, she worked her fingers down to my scalp; and all at once she clenched her teeth in fury and took a great handful of my hair, and yanked it to one side