Memoirs of a Geisha

with them!

To allow my skin some relief, Mr. Arashino gave me the task of gathering spiderworts during the summertime. The spiderwort is a flower whose juice is used for painting the silks before they're masked with starch and then dyed. They tend to grow around the edges of ponds and lakes during the rainy season. I thought gathering them sounded like a pleasant job, so one morning in July, I set out with my rucksack, ready to enjoy the cool, dry day; but soon I discovered that spiderworts are devilishly clever flowers. As far as I could tell, they'd enlisted every insect in western Japan as an ally. Whenever I tore off a handful of flowers, I was attacked by divisions of ticks and mosquitoes; and to make matters worse, one time I stepped on a hideous little frog. Then after I'd spent a miserable week gathering the flowers, I took on what I thought would be a much easier task, of squeezing them in a press to extract their juices. But if you've never smelled the juice of a spiderwort... well, I was very glad at the end of the week to go back to boiling dyes once again.

I worked very hard during those years. But every night when I went to bed, I thought of Gion. All the geisha districts in Japan had reopened within a few months of the surrender; but I wasn't free to go back until Mother summoned me. She was making quite a good living selling kimono, artwork, and Japanese swords to American soldiers. So for the time being, she and Auntie remained on the little farm west of Kyoto where they had set up shop, while I continued to live and work with the Arashino family.

Considering that Gion was only a few kilometers away, you may think I visited there often. And yet in the nearly five years I lived away, I went only once. It was one afternoon during the spring, about a year after the end of the war, while I was on my way back from picking up medicine for little Juntaro at the Kamigyo Prefectural Hospital. I took a walk along Kawaramachi Avenue as far as Shijo and crossed the bridge from there into Gion. I was shocked to see whole families crowded together in poverty along the river's edge.

In Gion I recognized a number of geisha, though of course they didn't recognize me; and I didn't speak a word to them, hoping for once to view the place as an outsider might. In truth, though, I could scarcely see Gion at all as I strolled through it; I saw instead only my ghostly memories. When I walked along the banks of the Shirakawa Stream, I thought of the many afternoons Mameha and I had spent walking there. Nearby was the bench where Pumpkin and I had sat with two bowls of noodles on the night I asked for her help. Not far away was the alleyway where Nobu had chastened me for taking the General as my danna. From there I walked half a block to the corner of Shijo Avenue where I'd made the young delivery man drop the lunch boxes he was carrying. In all of these spots, I felt I was standing on a stage many hours after the dance had ended, when the silence lay as heavily upon the empty theater as a blanket of snow. I went to our okiya and stared with longing at the heavy iron padlock on the door. When I was locked in, I wanted to be out. Now life had changed so much that, finding myself locked out, I wanted to be inside again. And yet I was a grown woman-free, if I wished, to stroll out of Gion at that very moment and never come back.




*



One bitter cold afternoon in November, three years after the end of the war, I was warming my hands over the dye vats in the annex when Mrs. Arashino came down to say that someone wished to see me. I could tell from her expression that the visitor wasn't just another of the women from the neighborhood. But you can imagine my surprise when I reached the top of the stairs and saw Nobu. He was sitting in the workshop with Mr. Arashino, holding an empty teacup as though he'd been there chatting for some time already. Mr. Arashino stood when he saw me.

"I have some work in the next room, Nobu-san," he said. "You two can stay here and talk. I'm delighted you've come to see us."

"Don't fool yourself, Arashino," Nobu replied. "Sayuri is the person I've come to see."

I thought this an unkind thing for Nobu to have said, and not at all funny; but Mr. Arashino laughed when he heard it and rolled the door of the workshop closed behind him.

"I thought the whole world had changed," I said. "But it can't be so, for Nobu-san has stayed exactly the same."

"I never change," he said. "But I haven't come here to chat. I want to know what's the matter with you."

"Nothing is the matter. Hasn't Nobu-san been receiving my letters?"

"Your letters all read like poems! You never talk about anything but 'the beautiful, trickling water' or some such nonsense."

"Why, Nobu-san, I'll never waste another letter on you!"

"I'd rather you didn't, if that's how they sound. Why can't you just tell me the things I want to know, such as when you're coming back to Gion? Every month I telephone the Ichiriki to ask about you, and the mistress gives some excuse or other. I thought I might find you ill with some horrible disease. You're skinnier than you were, I suppose, but you look healthy enough to me. What's keeping you?"

"I certainly think of Gion every day."

"Your friend Mameha came back a year or more ago. Even Michizono, as old as she is, showed up the day it reopened. But no one has been able to tell me why Sayuri won't come back."

"To tell the truth, the decision isn't mine. I've been waiting for Mother to reopen the okiya. I'm as eager to get back to Gion as Nobu-san is to have me there."

"Then call that mother of yours and tell her the time has come. I've been patient the past six months. Didn't you understand what I was telling you in my letters?"

"When you said you wanted me back in Gion, I thought you meant that you hoped to see me there soon."

"If I say I want to see you back in Gion, what I mean is, I want you to pack your bags and go back to Gion. I don't see why you need to wait for that mother of yours anyway! If she hasn't had the sense to go back by now, she's a fool."

"Few people have anything good to say about her, but I can assure you she's no fool. Nobu-san might even admire her, if he came to know her. She's making a fine living selling souvenirs to American soldiers."

"The soldiers won't be here forever. You tell her your good friend Nobu wants you back in Gion." At this, he took a little package with his one hand and tossed it onto the mats next to me. He didn't say a word afterward, but only sipped at his tea and looked at me.

"What is Nobu-san throwing at me?" I said.

"It's a gift I've brought. Open it."

"If Nobu-san is giving me a gift, first I must bring my gift for him."

I went to the corner of the room, where I kept my trunk of belongings, and found a folding fan I'd long ago decided to give to Nobu. A fan may seem a simple gift for the man who'd saved me from life in the factories. But to a geisha, the fans we use in dance are like sacred objects-and this wasn't just an ordinary dancer's fan, but the very one my teacher had given me when I reached the level of shisho in the Inoue School of dance. I'd never before heard of a geisha parting with such a thing-which was the very reason I'd decided to give it to him.

I wrapped the fan in a square of cotton and went back to present it to him. He was puzzled when he opened it, as I knew he would be. I did my best to explain why I wanted him to have it.

"It's kind of you," he said, "but I'm unworthy of this gift. Offer it to someone who appreciates dance more than I do."

"There's no one else I would give it to. It's a part of me, and I have given it to Nobu-san."

"In that case, I'm very grateful and I'll cherish it. Now open the package I've brought you."

Wrapped inside paper and string, and padded with layers of newspaper, was a rock about the size of a fist. I'm sure I was at least as puzzled to receive a rock as Nobu must have been by the fan I'd given him. When I looked at it more closely, I saw it wasn't a rock at all, but a piece of concrete.

"You have in your hand some rubble from our factory in Osaka," Nobu told me. "Two of our four factories were destroyed. There's a danger our whole company may not survive the next few years. So you see, if you've given me a piece of yourself with that fan, I suppose I've just given you a piece of myself as well."

"If it's a piece of Nobu-san, then I will cherish it."

"I didn't give it to you to cherish. It's a piece of concrete! I want you to help me turn it into a lovely jewel for you to keep."

"If Nobu-san knows how to do such a thing, please tell me, and we'll all be rich!"

"I have a task for you to do in Gion. If it works out as I hope, our company will be back on its feet in a year or so. When I ask you for that piece of concrete back and replace it with a jewel instead, the time will have come at last for me to become your danna."

My skin felt as cold as glass when I heard this; but I showed no sign of it. "How mysterious, Nobu-san. A task I could undertake, which would be helpful to Iwamura Electric?"

"It's an awful task. I won't lie to you. During the final two years before Gion closed, there was a man named Sato who used to go to parties as a guest of the Prefectural Governor. I want you to come back so you can entertain him."

I had to laugh when I heard this. "How horrible a task can that be? However much Nobu-san dislikes him, I'm sure I've entertained worse."

"If you remember him, you'll know exactly how horrible it is. He's irritating, and he acts like a pig. He tells me he always sat across the table so he could stare at you. You're the only thing he ever talks about-when he talks, that is; because mostly he just sits. Maybe you saw him mentioned in the news magazines last month; he was just appointed to be a Deputy Minister of Finance."

"My goodness!" I said. "He must be very capable."

"Oh, there are fifteen or more men who hold that title. I know he's capable of pouring sake into his mouth; that's the only thing I've ever seen him do. It's a tragedy that the future of a great company like ours should be affected by a man like him! It's a terrible time to be alive, Sayuri."

"Nobu-san! You mustn't say a thing like that."

"Why on earth not? No one's going to hear me."

"It isn't a matter of who hears you. It's your attitude! You shouldn't think that way."

"Why shouldn't I? The company has never been in worse condition. All through the war, the Chairman resisted what the government told him to do. By the time he finally agreed to cooperate, the war was almost over, and nothing we ever made for them-not one thing-was taken into battle. But has that stopped the Americans from classifying Iwamura Electric as a zaibatsu just like Mitsubishi? It's ridiculous. Compared to Mitsubishi, we were like a sparrow watching a lion. And there's something worse: if we can't convince them of our case, Iwamura Electric will be seized, and its assets sold to pay war reparations! Two weeks ago I'd have said that was bad enough, but now they've appointed this fellow Sato to make a recommendation about our case. Those Americans think they were clever to appoint a Japanese. Well, I'd rather have seen a dog take the job than this man." Suddenly Nobu interrupted himself. "What on earth is the matter with your hands?"

Since coming up from the annex, I'd kept my hands hidden as best I could. Obviously Nobu had caught sight of them somehow. "Mr. Arashino was kind enough to give me the job of making dyes."

"Let's hope he knows how to remove those stains," said Nobu. "You can't go back to Gion looking like that."

"Nobu-san, my hands are the least of my problems. I'm not sure I can go back to Gion at all. I'll do my best to persuade Mother, but truthfully, it isn't my decision. Anyway, I'm sure there are other geisha who'll be helpful-"

"There aren't other geisha! Listen to me, I took Deputy Minister Sato to a teahouse the other day with half a dozen people. He didn't speak a word for an hour, and then finally he cleared his throat and said, 'This isn't the Ichiriki.' So I told him, 'No, it's not. You certainly got that right!' He grunted like a pig, and then said, 'Sayuri entertains at the Ichiriki.' So I told him, 'No, Minister, if she were in Gion at all, she would come right here and entertain us. But I told you-she isn't in Gion!' So then he took his sake cup-"

"I hope you were more polite with him than that," I said.

"I certainly wasn't! I can tolerate his company for about half an hour. After that I'm not responsible for the things I say. That's exactly the reason I want you there! And don't tell me again it isn't your decision. You owe this to me, and you know it perfectly well. Anyway, the truth is... I'd like the chance to spend some time with you myself..."

"And I would like to spend time with Nobu-san."

"Just don't bring any illusions with you when you come."

"After the past few years, I'm sure I don't have any left. But is Nobu-san thinking of something in particular?"

"Don't expect me to become your danna in a month, that's what I'm saying. Until Iwamura Electric has recovered, I'm in no position to make such an offer. I've been very worried about the company's prospects. But to tell the truth, Sayuri, I feel better about the future after seeing you again."

"Nobu-san! How kind!"

"Don't be ridiculous, I'm not trying to flatter you. Your destiny and mine are intertwined. But I'll never be your danna if Iwamura Electric doesn't recover. Perhaps the recovery, just like my meeting you in the first place, is simply meant to be."

During the final years of the war, I'd learned to stop wondering what was meant to be and what wasn't. I'd often said to the women in the neighborhood that I wasn't sure if I'd ever go back to Gion-but the truth is, I'd always known I would. My destiny, whatever it was, awaited me there. In these years away, I'd learned to suspend all the water in my personality by turning it to ice, you might say. Only by stopping the natural flow of my thoughts in this way could I bear the waiting. Now to hear Nobu refer to my destiny... well, I felt he'd shattered the ice inside me and awakened my desires once again.

"Nobu-san," I said, "if it's important to make a good impression on Deputy Minister Sato, perhaps you should ask the Chairman to be there when you entertain him."

"The Chairman is a busy man."

"But surely if the Minister is important to the future of the company-"

"You worry about getting yourself there. I'll worry about what's best for the company. I'll be very disappointed if you're not back in Gion by the end of the month."

Nobu rose to leave, for he had to be back in Osaka before nightfall. I walked him to the entryway to help him into his coat and shoes, and put his fedora on his head for him. When I was done, he stood looking at me a long while. I thought he was about to say he found me beautiful-for this was the sort of comment he sometimes made after gazing at me for no reason.

"My goodness, Sayuri, you do look like a peasant!" he said. He had a scowl on his face as he turned away.





chapter thirty




That very night while the Arashinos slept, I wrote to Mother by the light of the tadon burning under the dye vats in the annex. Whether my letter had the proper effect or whether Mother was already prepared to reopen the okiya, I don't know; but a week later an old woman's voice called out at the Arashinos' door, and I rolled it open to find Auntie there. Her cheeks had sunken where she'd lost teeth, and the sickly gray of her skin made me think of a piece of sashimi left on the plate overnight. But I could see that she was still a strong woman; she was carrying a bag of coal in one hand and foodstuffs in the other, to thank the Arashinos for their kindness toward me.

The next day I said a tearful farewell and went back to Gion, where Mother, Auntie, and I set about the task of putting things back in order. When I'd had a look around the okiya, the thought crossed my mind that the house itself was punishing us for our years of neglect. We had to spend four or five days on only the worst of the problems: wiping down the dust that lay as heavily as gauze over the woodwork; fishing the remains of dead rodents from the well; cleaning Mother's room upstairs, where birds had torn up the tatami mats and used the straw to make nests in the alcove. To my surprise, Mother worked as hard as any of us, partly because we could afford only a cook and one adult maid, though we did also have a young girl named Etsuko. She was the daughter of the man on whose farm Mother and Auntie had been living. As if to remind me of how many years had passed since I first came to Kyoto as a nine-year-old girl, Etsuko herself was nine. She seemed to regard me with the same fear I'd once felt toward Hatsumomo, even though I smiled at her whenever I could. She stood as tall and thin as a broom, with long hair that trailed behind her as she scurried about. And her face was narrow like a grain of rice, so that I couldn't help thinking that one day she too would be thrown into the pot just as I had been, and would fluff up white and delicious, to be consumed.

When the okiya was livable again, I set out to pay my respects around Gion. I began by calling on Mameha, who was now in a one-room apartment above a pharmacy near the Gion Shrine; since her return a year earlier, she'd had no danna to pay for anything more spacious. She was startled when she first saw me-because of the way my cheekbones protruded, she said. The truth was, I felt just as startled to see her. The beautiful oval of her face was unchanged, but her neck looked sinewy and much too old for her. The strangest thing was that she sometimes held her mouth puckered like an old woman's, because her teeth, though I could see no difference in them, had been quite loose at one time during the war and still caused her pain.

We talked for a long while, and then I asked if she thought Dances of the Old Capital would resume the following spring. The performances hadn't been seen in a number of years.

"Oh, why not?" she said. "The theme can be the 'Dance in the Stream'!"

If you've ever visited a hot springs resort or some such place, and been entertained by women masquerading as geisha who are really prostitutes, you'll understand Mameha's little joke. A woman who performs the "Dance in the Stream" is really doing a kind of striptease. She pretends to wade into deeper and deeper water, all the while raising her kimono to keep the hem dry, until the men finally see what they've been waiting for, and begin to cheer and toast one another with sake.

"With all the American soldiers in Gion these days," she went on, "English will get you further than dance. Anyway, the Kaburenjo Theater has been turned into a kyabarei."

I'd never heard this word before, which came from the English "cabaret," but I learned soon enough what it meant. Even while living with the