Heart of Clay

  Callan awoke still curled into a ball on the bed. The quilt under her cheek was soaked from her tears and she clutched Clay’s pillow tightly in her hands. She realized he must have come home last night at some point. Her suitcase was no longer on the bed, she was covered, and he’d removed her shoes.

  Unhurriedly rolling onto her back, she sighed.

  Heartsick.

  That’s what was wrong with her. She was heartsick – over the losses from the past, the loss sure to come when Clay left her. As sure as she regretted the last three years, he would never forgive her.

  Callan got up, took a shower, and pulled on a sweater and jeans - something she rarely allowed herself to wear, always in business mode. She brushed her hair back into a ponytail, put on waterproof mascara, and opened the bedroom door.

  All was quiet.

  Silently walking into the kitchen, she opened the refrigerator only to find it nearly empty. Dill pickles, flour tortillas, and cottage cheese were not her ideal breakfast. After making a shopping list, she tugged on her snow boots and coat.

  As she opened the door to leave, she noticed her crystal heart vase lying in pieces on the floor. She couldn’t deal with it at that moment and would clean it up later. Maybe she’d have some idea what to say to Clay by the time she got back.

  ­­When she returned home, Clay’s truck was gone. The note on the counter caught her eye as she carried in groceries and set the bags down.

  Callan,

  I’ve got to have some time to think.

  We both could use some space.

  I’m staying tonight at the ranch and will be home tomorrow night.

  I love you,

  Clay

  Well, at least he hadn’t left her entirely. He was probably holed up in the cabin, wondering why he ever got mixed up with her.

  The sound of a car door closing made Callan tense as she finished putting away the last of the groceries. Resolved to facing Clay, she waited in the kitchen for him to appear.

  “Halloo,” Aunt Julie called, walking inside and stomping snow from her boots. “Anybody home?”

  “Aunt Julie!” Callan hurried into the living room and embraced her beloved aunt in a hug. “What are you doing out today?”

  “I decided to spend the day with you, unless you have other plans.” Julie shrugged out of her coat and boots.

  “No, I don’t have any plans.” Callan stared intently at a speck of lint on the carpet, not looking her aunt in the eye.

  Julie hooked her arm through Callan’s and headed into the kitchen. “Wonderful. We’ll have all day to talk and get caught up.”

  Callan made them both a cup of tea and managed to find a few cookies in the freezer left over from the holidays. After putting everything on a tray, she took it into the living room and flipped on the gas fireplace. The two women sat in facing chairs, sipping their tea, neither one talking.

  Finally, Julie broke the silence. “Clay came to see me last night.”

  “Oh. What did he say?” Callan fidgeted with her cup.

  “Generally, he’s a man of few words, but he seemed in the mood to talk last night. You two may have said some things you both wish you hadn’t. Is that right?”

  “Maybe.”

  Callan tried to pull the lid down on her emotions but Julie wasn’t about to let it happen.

  “I’m not leaving until you tell me what happened and why you never told Clay about the baby. I kept your secret only because I thought you would tell him when he got home. I never dreamed you’d never tell him. That was so wrong, honey, and so hurtful. You also should have told him about your surgery when you were younger. It was unfair not to tell him you might never be able to have children, Callan. He feels completely shut out of your life.”

  Uncertain where to begin, Callan fidgeted in her chair. “I was afraid of him leaving me, Aunt Julie. I meant to tell him before we got married that it could be a challenge to have kids. Then I got scared he’d leave me. After the miscarriage, he wouldn’t have forgiven me for losing the baby and destroying the opportunity to have another. I always knew he’d leave me someday, I just kept hoping to postpone the inevitable.”

  Julie set her tea down on the table with a clank. “Leave you, Callan? Why in the world would Clay leave you? He loves you, honey. Loves you more than I think I’ve ever seen a man love a woman.”

  Callan shook her head. “It can’t be true.”

  Julie got out of her chair and knelt in front of Callan, pulling her niece’s cold, trembling hands into her own. “Why can’t it be true? Why can’t Clay love you that much? Why, Callan? There has to be a reason.”

  “Because I’m me,” Callan whispered as tears slid down her cheeks. “I’m not good enough.”

  “Good enough? For what? For who? Callan, you’re not making any sense,” Julie said, trying to understand what Callan still held back.

  “For Clay. I’m not good enough for Clay. I never could understand what he saw in me and knew it was a matter of time until he figured it out.”

  “Figured what out, Callan?” Julie knew she was pushing, but needed to know what Callan wasn’t saying.

  “That he could do so much better without me. That he could have a better life with someone who isn’t too emotional, with someone pretty, someone smart, someone who isn’t selfish and pathetic, someone who can keep their thoughts and feelings under control, someone who could give him a baby, someone…”

  Julie grabbed Callan’s arms and gave her a shake. “Stop it, Callan! Stop it right, now. Your mother was a sick, vindictive woman. All those things she said to you over and over again are not true. Not one bit. You have to let it go, Callan. You’ve got to let go of the past if you want any chance at having a happy future.”

  “But, Aunt Julie…”

  “No. I mean it Callan. You can’t let what your mother said ruin your happiness. What she did was wrong and cruel, but you have to take responsibility for yourself. That means you are one hundred percent responsible for your own happiness, for your choices, for everything that happens from here on out. You are also responsible to allow yourself to feel your emotions, Callan. To approve of yourself. To love yourself. To let your adoring husband love you. Don’t push people away, honey. Let them in.”

  Callan took a shuddering breath and wiped her tears. “I don’t know how or where to start.”

  “Let’s start with this… Callan is smart, funny and beautiful,” Julie said with a big smile. “Now repeat it with me.”

  Callan glared at her aunt as if she’d lost her mind.

  Julie laughed and patted her leg. “Come on, let’s hear you say it. Callan is…”

  “Going to die of embarrassment. Really, Aunt Julie, I can’t.” Callan looked as if she might crawl under the chair and hide.

  “It’s just the two of us and yes you can. So here we go…”

  They spent the rest of the day together. There were many more rounds of tears, but also some laughter. Julie helped Callan straighten every drawer in her dresser before she went home.

  On the way there, she called Josh and Jenna and asked them if they would pop in to visit Callan. She didn’t give them any details, just said that Callan could use their company. They offered to take over some dinner and spend the evening with her.

  The next morning, Julie called Clay and let him know what Callan shared with her. He was even more shocked than Julie had been to hear what Callan thought.

  “But Julie, how could she think I’d ever leave her? I’d never do that, ever. She’s everything to me,” Clay said as his parents sat at the table, listening to the conversation.

  “I know, Clay. It’s going to take some time, but our girl is going to come around. Just be patient with her, love her, and forgive her,” Julie said.

  “Thanks for staying with her yesterday. I felt better knowing you were there.”

  “No problem, Clay. Bye.”

  Clay hung up the phone and turned to see his mom and dad looking at him expectantl
y. Resigned to telling them the whole story, he sat down with a heavy heart.

  He explained about Callan’s surgery, the pregnancy and miscarriage. He described her lack of emotions and the tailspin that resulted in their fight. He told them about going to see Julie, and the surprising revelation Callan shared with her yesterday.

  When he finished, Bobbi mopped at tears and Steve cleared his throat several times.

  “What can we do to help, Clay?” Steve finally asked.

  “I don’t know right now, other than to keep praying for us both,” Clay said as he gathered his things and put on his coat.

  “That we can do,” Steve promised.