Fighting Redemption

  “No!” she cried desperately. “Don’t listen to Ian. I had no idea he’d be here tonight. I’m not … we’re not getting back together. I promise.”

  “You don’t owe me promises.”

  “It’s not about owing anyone anything, it’s—”

  “It is,” he cut her off. “I owe Jake. I owe him. More now than ever.”

  Fin pressed her lips together, fighting tears. “I can’t live without you, Ryan.”

  He nodded, his heart burning with so much love for her he ached with it. “I can’t live without you either,” he whispered, tears rolling down his cheeks, “but I’m going back. You know that, right? I have to finish what Jake and I started together. This war … I need to see it through for the both us. If I don’t it’ll just feel like he died for nothing, and I can’t accept that.”

  Fin reached out and cupped his face in her hands, wiping away his tears with her thumbs. “I know,” she whispered.

  “Kendall? Fin?” Kyle called out.

  They both turned towards the alley entrance. Kyle stood there, peering into the darkness.

  Ryan cleared his throat. “Down here, mate.”

  As Ian stepped around the corner behind Kyle, Fin pushed herself angrily away from Ryan, anger burning brightly in her eyes as she stood up and strode determinedly towards Ian. Ryan staggered to his feet as Kyle reached out to grab her and missed.

  “Goddamn you, Ian! How dare you?” she shrieked and launched herself at his chest, her tiny fists pummelling him. “Stop making everything worse. We’re not together anymore!”

  He stumbled back, grabbing her wrists with enough force that she jerked violently in his hold. “Fin—”

  Kyle wrapped his arms around her waist, yanking her away before Ryan could reach her. “Hands off of her, asshole!” he snarled.

  “You’ve done your damage,” Fin whispered wearily at Ian. “Just go.”

  Reaching her side, Ryan took hold of her, pulling her towards him. She buried her face in his chest. “Please take me home, Ryan.”

  Ignoring Ian, he wound his arms tightly around her. Leaning in, he pressed a kiss against her ear and whispered softly, “You got it, baby.”

  Ryan’s heart thumped heavily as they sat in the back of the cab heading home. He wanted to pull Fin over to him, sit her on his lap and hang on forever. Instead he settled for reaching out and tucking her hand in his. Linking their fingers, he rested them on his thigh as he stared out the window into the night.

  Fin squeezed his hand, as though drawing strength from the touch. Had he done the right thing? He’d told Fin he couldn’t live without her. There was no taking that back. He always thought he’d been strong—his mind, his body, his heart—but he wasn’t strong enough to fight without Fin anymore.

  The Army and the SAS had been his dream—his chance to be somebody, save lives, show his parents he was worth something. But after years of what he thought was dealing with his past, the unkind bitch that was retrospect told him he’d just been running from it. Being a soldier had been his escape, his flight from the demons that bound him, and Fin had been the only one who could stop him from running forever. As long as she was here, he could run as far and as fast as he wanted, but for her he would always return.

  “Ryan. Are you okay?”

  He stared out the window, unable to face her. “I’m not sure I’ve been okay for a long time, Fin.”

  “Will you ever tell me?”

  He watched the streets pass by rapidly as the cab drove them towards Fin’s house. “My past is catching up with me,” he said eventually.

  “And?”

  Ryan turned and looked at her, letting out a deep shaky breath. “My family fell apart when I was seven and that was because of me. You, Julie, Mike. You’re the only family I have and I don’t want to lose that.”

  “What happened when you were seven, Ryan?”

  Returning his gaze to the window, he swallowed, closing his eyes against the fear and guilt. “I can’t talk about it.”

  The cab pulled up in front of the cottage, and he let go of her hand, reaching for his wallet from the back pocket of his jeans. When Fin started handing over notes to the cab driver, he snagged her wrist. “I got this, baby.”

  “But Ryan—”

  He looked at her and she paused. Satisfied, he paid the driver and slid out of the car. Reaching back in, he held out his hand to Fin. She took it and climbed out behind him. The cab’s bright red tail lights disappeared into the distance as they walked up the path towards the cottage.

  Fin buried her hand inside her purse, rummaging around for the key to the front door.

  “Crap,” she muttered when her bag fell to the ground.

  They both bent over at the same time to retrieve it, and Fin cracked her nose on his forehead.

  “Ow!” she wailed.

  Straightening up and taking her purse in his hand, Ryan grabbed hold of her elbow, steadying her as he checked the damage. “Dammit, I can’t see. Why didn’t you leave the porch light on?”

  “Because I like a bit of a challenge,” she retorted. “Trying to fit keys in locks in the dark while drunk is the ultimate test of agility.”

  Ryan repressed a smile in an effort to look stern, not that she could probably see in the dark anyway. “Well you failed, smartass.”

  “I am a smartass. Don’t you like nerds, Ryan?”

  “Only drunk ones,” he teased as he rummaged around in her purse. “Jesus, Fin. How do you find anything in here?”

  Fin tugged on it. “Give it here. You’re having a man’s look.”

  “Well you can’t do much better. You’re blind,” he pointed out.

  She paused to glare at him. “I only need glasses to read.”

  He waved a hand in front of her face. “Can you see this?”

  Laughter bubbled out of her as she snatched the purse out of his hands. “Fine. We can just camp out here. Wait for dawn so we can see properly.”

  “I’m not sleeping on the fucking porch.”

  “Why not? I’m sure you’ve slept in worse places.”

  He had. Many nights had been spent camped out on the dirt during an exercise or patrol. Interrogation training had been the worst. He’d slept bound—hands tied behind his back and ankles shackled—and after being dragged naked through mud and worse, ice cold water had been tossed over him every half an hour to keep him awake. But fuck, he wasn’t training, or at war. He was with Fin. That deserved a cosy bed and warm, naked skin.

  Ryan’s eyes dropped to her mouth. Visions of picking her up, slamming her back into the wall and kissing those lush lips hit him hard. He sucked in a quick breath when all the blood in his body headed south. Suddenly getting inside was becoming more urgent. He snatched at her purse at the same time she tugged it backwards, and it went flying across the lawn, the contents scattering in what felt like slow motion to all four corners of Hell. Somewhere out there in the dark was the key, and he needed inside, and not just the house.

  “Well, now you’ve done it,” Fin announced.

  “Fuck.” Ryan peered out onto the front lawn. “Don’t you have a spare hidden somewhere?”

  Fin fisted her hands on her hips. “I used to put a key above the door ledge until Jake found out.” She took a deep breath and let it out. “He flipped out and threatened to shave off Crookshanks’ fur if I did it again. I guess he was worried about someone finding it and getting inside while he wasn’t around. I guess it wasn’t the best spot to hide a key, but I never got around to finding another spot.”

  “No shit it wasn’t the best spot,” he mumbled before striding over to where her purse landed and getting down on his knees, started the search. “I bet he’s laughing at us right now.”

  Fin knelt beside him, her thigh brushing against his. “You think so?” she asked softly.

  “Of course. I hear him laughing at me all the time.” He stopped grabbing at the random objects Fin obviously felt were necessary for a night out and looked at her, his che
st aching. “I’m sure I even hear him talking to me.”

  “You too?”

  Ryan licked his lips. “You … I’m not the only one going crazy then?”

  “Well …” she drawled.

  He chuckled softly, shaking his head. “What does he say to you, Fin?”

  Fin picked up a blade of grass and began shredding it carefully. “Okay, um … the other day I was backing out of the car park at work and almost got side swiped by a delivery truck. Then it was like Jake was sitting in the passenger seat, yelling at me to get rid of my little quote-unquote ‘earth saving little buzz box and buy a goddamn 4WD with bullbars.’”

  “Well, that does sound like Jake, and he does have a point. You’re not the best driver. You’d be safer driving a bigger car.”

  “Well,” she muttered, leaning over and running her hands over the lawn searching for the key. “I’m not telling you what else he says then.”

  “Oh yeah?” Ryan launched himself at her, tackling her around the waist. He landed on his back with a thud, Fin falling on top of him. She scrambled back, straddling him. “I know ways to make you talk.”

  Fin raised a brow at him, and he trailed his finger down the V of her top, careful to make sure it traced teasingly over the delicious swell of her breast.

  She whipped her head around, peering up and down the street. “Ryan, we’re on the front lawn.”

  “Whose fault is that?”

  “Yours,” she moaned when he cupped both breasts in his hands, rubbing his thumbs over her nipples.

  “Fuck,” he muttered, desire coiling tight in his belly. He ran his hands down the flimsy edges of her top. “I want to rip this thing off you.”

  “Oh God. Don’t. You’ll shred my skin.”

  He looked at her, aghast. “What have you done? Glued the thing to your boobs?”

  “No!” She huddled down on top of him, and he bit back a groan at the warm weight of her chest pressing against his. “It’s taped on.”

  “Really? So I get to unwrap you like a present?” Ryan ground his hips into her, liking the idea.

  “Ryan!”

  “Are you blushing, baby? Because your face looks bright enough to light up the entire lawn. We might just find the key after all.”

  Leaning up a little, he caught her bottom lip in his teeth and nibbled lightly. He heard her breath catch before her mouth opened beneath his and her tongue slid inside.

  Ryan groaned, his hand sliding up to fist her hair as she kissed him wildly. Breathless, he broke it off and pushed her away. “We need that fucking key.”

  After what he was sure was a lifetime of frantic searching, Fin jumped to her feet with a squeal, holding up the little silver key in triumph.

  He stood and grabbed her hand. “Inside. Now.”

  “No.” Fin started yanking him towards the side of the house.

  “Where are we going?”

  “The yard,” she told him, unlatching the gate and tugging him along behind her.

  “Fin—”

  “Shush.”

  Their feet crunched softly against the sandstone pavers as Fin led him along the side of the house and around the low set timber decking.

  When they reached the middle of the lush thick lawn, she pulled him in close. Breathing softly, Fin pointed upwards. Wrapping his arms around her waist, Ryan looked up into the black sky. “What?”

  “The stars, Ryan.” She tilted her head, exposing the long sweet line of her throat as she looked up. “Do you know why they shine?”

  He quirked a brow at her. “Am I getting a science lesson?”

  “If you’re lucky.”

  “I can think of other ways to get lucky right now,” he told her.

  Fin rolled her eyes. “That was terrible.”

  He chuckled softly. “I know.”

  “Look up,” she said, sounding impatient.

  Ryan did as he was told, his eyes falling on the twinkling stars.

  “Have you heard the term a star is born? It’s not as romantic as it sounds, but it’s a process called nuclear fusion. You would get that, with it being the same process used inside weapons.”

  He nodded and looked at her, but her face was still tilted upwards, absorbed in the night sky as she spoke. “And they shine because they have huge fusion reactors in their cores that release enormous amounts of energy. Did you know it can take a single photon up to a hundred thousand years to get from the core of the star to its surface? And the sun, which is the closest star to earth, takes eight minutes for its light to reach us? That means when you’re looking at the sun, you’re seeing it as of eight minutes ago. So these stars you’re looking at now …” She looked at him and frowned. “Look up, Ryan.”

  Ryan tore his eyes from hers and focused once again on the sky. “We’re seeing those stars as they were centuries, or even thousands of years ago. It’ll take billions of years for one of them to die, yet Jake was gone in only twenty-seven of those.”

  Ryan swallowed the lump in his throat her words caused. “What are trying to say, Fin?”

  Fin looked at him, her eyes filling with tears. “That it doesn’t matter if you live a billion years, or just a short handful like Jake. It’s how bright you burn while living them that really matters, and Jake burned so bright it hurt my eyes.”

  Overwhelmed, Ryan buried his face in her neck, breathing her in. “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered hoarsely. Pulling back, he cupped her face in his hands and looked at her fiercely. “You burn just as bright, sweetheart.”

  Her eyes were wide and so full of love it made his heart ache. “So do you, Ryan,” she replied softly.

  Lowering her gaze, Fin carefully peeled her top away from her skin and pulled it over her head. She took a step back as she shimmied out of her skirt, leaving him breathless as she stood in nothing but a scrap of black lace. “I want you out here, under the stars.”

  “Fin,” he breathed.

  She stepped out of her shoes and moved towards him, reaching for the hem of his shirt.

  She grinned. “Arms up.”

  He held his arms up as she tugged his shirt off and dropped it on the grass beside their feet.

  Ryan kicked off his shoes as her fingers reached for his belt buckle. The light touch of her fingers against the bare skin of his stomach had him throbbing painfully.

  “No making too much noise like you usually do,” she teased.

  He leaned over, peeling off his socks. Straightening, he looked down into her eyes. “Baby, I’ll have you screaming my name so loud, your face will be what’s burning brightly every time your neighbours wave hello with a smirk.”

  “Yeah?” She tugged hard at his belt before undoing the button of his jeans and sliding the zipper down. He sucked in a breath as her fingers trailed the hard length of him along the way. “Well they’re your neighbours now too, Ryan.”

  Ryan froze, his heart thundering in his chest. “What?”

  Fin yanked his jeans down and he stepped out of them. Instead of straightening up, she knelt on the soft grass and ran her hands up the outsides of his thighs. “Move in with me, Ryan?”

  She tugged at his boxer briefs, sliding her fingers tantalisingly close to him. Leaning in, Fin let her breasts rub softly against him as she slid her hands around his legs and beneath his underwear. She loved looking at his rough, hard body, but feeling it was even better. She heard his shaky exhale as she peeled the boxer briefs down his legs. Was it a dirty trick asking that of Ryan while she was on her knees before him? Fin slid her hands up the back of his legs, and gripping his ass in her hands, she leaned forward and licked the length of him slowly, from base to tip. Ryan let out a loud groan. It probably was, but she was tired of sitting back and letting him leave her to go do what he needed to do. If he had to go back to Afghanistan, then she was going to damn well get every minute with him she could before he did.

  “That depends,” he moaned when she wrapped her hands around him and swirled her tongue around the tip enticingly.


  Pulling back, she looked up at him from beneath her lashes as she continued to move her hand over him in slow, even strokes. “On what?”

  “On whether you’re going to kick me out the moment I mow the lawn,” he mumbled.

  Fin tugged on him firmly and he groaned. “Oh, you like that?” she muttered. “Anything else?”

  “Am I allowed to feed the cat and help with the housework without you thinking I’m trying to run your life?”

  Fin pulled back, resting back on her haunches as she folded her arms.

  “Don’t stop.” He grinned down at her. “I promise I won’t do a thing around the house to help you.”

  “Ryan!” She pressed her lips together, trying to fight the smile. “Now who’s being the smartass.”

  Ryan chuckled softly before his face sobered. “I can’t live without you, remember? Of course I’ll move in.” He must have seen the wild emotion in her eyes because he gave her a mock glare and folded his own arms. “Now finish what you started.”

  Straightening up, she took him back in her mouth, teasing him with her hands and tongue until she could feel him fighting for control.

  “Stop now,” he moaned.

  “No.”

  “Fin, I’ll come,” he warned hoarsely.

  “And that’s a bad thing?”

  “Yes,” he ground out, breathing heavily. “I want to be inside you where I damn well belong.”

  Ryan stepped out of her reach and grabbed his shirt from the ground. He tossed it on the grass. “Lie down,” he ordered.

  “You’re so bossy.”

  “You like it.”

  “Only with you, Ryan,” she told him. The grass crunched softly beneath his shirt as she lay over it. “Well now that you’ve got me here,” she told him as he knelt down between her legs and hovered himself above her, “what are you going to do with me?”

  His dark eyes flashed heatedly into hers. “Wicked, wicked things, baby.”

  Her heart lodged in her throat. “Ryan,” she whispered thickly and reached up, cupping his beautiful face in her hand. “I love you so much.”

  Ducking his head, Ryan took her lips hard, his tongue thrusting inside her mouth and tasting her wildly. Tearing away, he looked at her for a long moment, his chest rising and falling heavily against her own. “I want to say I love you too, but it doesn’t seem enough.”