Knowing You

  "Happy Birthday, Princess." Brendan kisses the top of my head. I shove him away. "What? No birthday love?"

  "Not as long as you keep calling me that," I seethe, facing away to wipe the tears from my cheeks.

  "Honestly, it's what comes out naturally when I see you. I swear it's not to remind you of that night. I'm a bastard, but I'm not that twisted." After a moment of hesitation, he says, "I'm sorry. I'll try to refrain from saying it. But I make no promises." I can feel him studying me, trying to circle around to get a better view of my face. I continue to evade him, turning my head to hide my emotions.

  "Why are you crying?"

  "How did you find me?" I ask, deflecting.

  "Followed your GPS," he answers honestly. "Now, tell me what happened? Why are you upset, today of all days?"

  "Because it is today." I sit within an egg-shaped swing set at the edge of the garden. Brendan pushes his way inside and sits next to me. It's tight because it's not meant to be shared, so I'm practically on his lap. "What the hell?"

  "Relax, I'm not coming on to you." He pulls my legs across his lap and I adjust so I'm sitting at an angle on the cushion. "Talk to me. I won't leave you alone 'til you do."

  "Why do you care?"

  "Lana, cut the shit."

  I close my eyes to fight back the tears that start to form at just the thought of saying it out loud. "I miss my grandmother." I swallow hard.

  "When did she die?" he asks, his voice careful as if just asking might hurt me.

  "Almost three years ago. But it's harder today, because ... I guess, it was our day," I explain in a rasp. "My mother has always had a hard time celebrating my birthday. I think it has to do with my father, since he left her seventeen, pregnant and heartbroken. I have a feeling he was the love of her life, and she never got over it. And I'm the reminder of that heartache, even sixteen years later."

  I have Brendan's rapt attention. His deep brown eyes take in every word, his hand gently gripping my knee as if to console me.

  "Why am I telling you this?"

  "Because I'm a good listener," he answers with a small smile. "You were about to tell me about your grandmother."

  I can't look at him when I start talking, so I pluck at a loose thread on the cushion. "She would take me out every year. I think it was more to keep me away from my depressed mother, but we always did something crazy. For my tenth birthday, we went to all the ice cream places in town on a mission to try ten different flavors. I thought I was going to be sick. Or for my eighth birthday, I was obsessed with Thumbelina and wanted to live in a flower, so we plucked them from people's front yards or window boxes and created a bouquet so big I had to carry it with two hands. Just ridiculous things. The last year, for my thirteenth birthday, we sprawled out on a blanket in front of a memorial statue in the center of the city while cars passed by and some even honked at us. We looked up at the sky, and made up stories that went along with the shapes of the clouds. She always told me stories, some real, but most were twisted fairytales." I let out a broken sigh. "I wish she were still here."

  "I'm close with my grandmother too. She raised me. Even before my mother, you know," he says quietly. "My mother was only a couple years older than yours when I was born."

  I shift my eyes to examine his face, surprised by the vulnerability in his voice.

  "How old were you when ...?" I can't quite bring myself to say, murdered.

  "Four. I found her."

  "What?" My voice shaking from shock.

  "She overdosed."

  "I thought you said ..." I begin, so confused.

  "Another time," he says patting my knee. "Suicide isn't the best birthday talk." His tone transitions into something lighter, his eyes blinking back to the present. "I'm sorry your grandmother isn't here with you and you're stuck with all of us. But, you'll remember this one. I promise." He grins like he's keeping a secret.

  "Does everyone know?" I ask, cringing.

  "You're spending your birthday with a bunch of delinquents. Of course they know! We need any excuse we can to party."

  I let out a short laugh.

  Brendan ducks out of the egg swing and offers me his hand. "Lily's hosting tonight after work, so wear your sluttiest dress. Or just come in your birthday suit. Either way, I can't wait to spank you."

  "And just was considering liking you a little, you have to ruin it," I say, making a sound of disgust in the back of my throat as I push myself out of the swing.

  Kaely, Ashton and I spend the afternoon serving at The Deck. It doesn't take me long to catch on because I've done this most of my teen years, except this place is much slower paced than I'm used to, and not nearly as loud. Even though I know he's not here, I still find myself looking out the window or over the edge of the deck every time I hear a golf cart go by, wishing it were Grant.

  The girls are upset that Brendan told me about the party. They were hoping to keep it a surprise until we arrived, which makes me glad Brendan told me--I hate surprises.

  I let Ashton curl my hair, which I reluctantly agree to leave down after she begged me the entire day. And miraculously she figures out how to tame it and keep it from frizzing out around my head. The waves she's spun into it give it a life I'll never be able to duplicate. Nina never understood why I had hair the length of my back, but refused to wear it down. Maybe if I had someone to style it every day, I would.

  "Can I pay you in gummy bears to style my hair for me whenever I want?"

  "I'd prefer THC gummies, but I'll take whatever you have."

  I do wear a dress, but it's far from slutty. It's a powder blue baby doll dress with delicate t-back straps. It's a bit short, reaching my mid-thigh, but anything longer would look like a nightgown on me. It has several layers of flowing chiffon over a fitted slip, and with my wavy hair resting down my back, I'm feeling pretty amazing. I slide on the thick-soled wedge sandals that wrap around my calves and apply a coat of gloss to go with the rose gold hues Ashton and I decided I should wear.

  "Let's go celebrate my fricken birthday," I say as Ashton and I admire ourselves in the mirror. She's wearing a pair of black and white striped high-waisted pants that hug her tight to the knee before flaring out dramatically. They make her already long legs look endless. She's paired them with a black sequined bandeau. I don't think she has any shoes on, but I can't see her feet under the bell bottoms. She looks like a rock goddess with her naturally wavy dark hair draped over one shoulder, and her jewel tone blue eyes darkly lined.

  We couldn't look more opposite if we tried. Light and Dark.

  I hesitate before leaving the room to make sure I have the phone Joey supplied. I'm planning to call Nina and Tori tonight, even though I don't have their cell numbers memorized. I may be able to figure out where they are by calling the locations instead. It's been over a month since I've been out with them. Granted, it was the worst night of my life, but I still miss them. I miss talking and laughing at the most ridiculous things together. The trouble we'd start, or finish--depending if it was me or Nina. Flirting. Dancing. Manipulating our way into places we didn't belong but acted like we did. We didn't waste our time sharing dreams we knew would never come true. We lived every second like it was the last memory we might make together. I hope that night isn't it. I still want so many more.

  And I hate that they don't know where I am.

  Before I can leave the room, my Blackwood phone beeps in my purse. I click on the incoming message.

  You've been granted an overnight pass. Have fun. Be safe. Happy Birthday, Lana. - Niall

  "What is it?" Ashton asks when she sees the smile emerge on my face.

  "I'm sleeping over. Are you?"

  "I am now." She smiles back.

  We each throw together an overnight bag before rushing to the front of the administration building where Kaely's been waiting to pick us up.

  "Where are the guys?" I ask Ashton when I don't see them waiting.

  "They said they'd meet us there."

  The hous
e looks like a beacon in the woods with the light glowing through the angles of glass. The driveway is already filling with cars. All of these people are not here to celebrate my birthday. Everyone I know could fit inside this car, forget about the ten or so that have already arrived and those that continue to show up in the short time it took us to park and walk to the house.

  "Happy birthday!" Lily exclaims, waiting for us within the open door. She hugs me tight. "I'm so happy you're here." My heart warms at the sincerity of her tone. She got the "hair down" memo evidently, but hers is sleek and straight, parted in the middle. And she's wearing a white empire dress with a silver sparkling belt beneath her bust-line. I'm kind of obsessed with her style and can't wait to be closer friends so I can start borrowing her clothes. That and she's probably the sweetest person I've ever met.

  "Come in! What can I get you to drink? I heard you don't like champagne," she leads us through the open living space where a small cluster of people linger with champagne glasses in hand. It looks like she stocked up on champagne more than anything else in the beverage cooler.

  "I can make you a champagne drink you'll probably like," Ashton offers, making herself at home behind the island that is currently substituting as the bar.

  "That's an interesting ring," Lily notes when I rest my hand on the counter. She lifts it to examine Nick's wedding band on my thumb.

  "Told her it looks like a guy's wedding ring," Ashton says, having noticed it while I was getting dressed.

  "It's a reminder," I tell them. "To never fall in love."

  Lily's mouth rounds and her eyes dip. "That makes me so sad." Then she hugs me ... again. "Please don't be afraid to fall in love. The right guy is out there for you somewhere."

  I laugh at her endearing attempt to console me. Even if I don't need it.

  "Don't tell her that," Ashton says, laughing as well.

  "It's her phobia," Kaely chimes in, like this explains everything.

  "Oh! I should take your bags upstairs for you," Lily exclaims suddenly when she notices them on the floor, like she's being the worst host. "I'll be right back."

  We hand our bags to her and she disappears up the stairs.

  "Is she really this nice?" I ask, still getting used to Lily's infinite thoughtfulness. It makes me wonder if that might be her curse.

  "As far as I know," Ashton replies.

  "She reminds me of you Kaely," I say.

  "Really? I don't think we look anything alike." She takes a sip from her champagne flute.

  Ashton and I exchange a glance, and try not to laugh.

  "You're adorable," Ashton tells her, making Kaely unveil her blinding smile.

  Champagne flutes in hand, mine tasting lemony, but not as sweet as lemonade, we walk out onto the top deck where the party is apparently taking place. And I nearly drop my glass as my step falters. Ashton grabs my elbow to keep my ankle from twisting.

  "Whoa, can't start falling now. We have a long night ahead of us. Save the falling for later, preferably with a guy beneath you."

  Kaely giggles. "You sound like Brendan."

  "He may be a bad influence," Ashton says playfully.

  I don't respond to any of this because I'm staring at the gorgeous face of Joey Harrison, who hasn't taken his piercing blue eyes off of me since I stepped out of the house. He offers a small smile, his dimple creasing slightly. He's even more breathtaking than I remember in a white button-down, under a sports jacket and fitted dark jeans.

  "Please don't come over here. Please don't come over here," I chant under my breath. But he's already moving.

  Ashton mutters, "Oh shit. Not another one."

  "Happy birthday, Lana," Joey says, leaning over to brush his lips against my cheek, igniting a spark that shoots through my entire body. He must feel it too because I hear him inhale quickly before moving away. "You look incredible."

  "Thanks," I utter, willing my feet to take a step back to break the magnetic pull between us.

  "Hi," Kaely says cheerily, snapping me out of it. "I'm Kaely."

  "I'm Wil." He offers her his hand to shake.

  "Wil?" I ask in confusion.

  "It's what they call me at school."

  "Oh, right," I say, faintly recalling how everyone refers to him by something different since his full name is made up of three first names. "I'm not calling you Wil."

  He chuckles. "I don't want you to." And we're staring at each other again. The only reason I know this is because Ashton clears her throat, reminding me the world exists outside of his stare.

  "We're going to look for our friends now," Ashton announces, escorting me away by my upper arm. "Nice to see you, Wil."

  "Yeah. I'll talk to you later, Lana."

  "What the hell is it with you and these Harrison boys? Thankfully you don't react this way around Lance."

  "I don't think Lance likes girls," I tell her as we weave through a few groups to create some distance between me and Joey.

  "Lance likes whoever he likes. Stefan just happened to be who he liked that day."

  "Wait," I say, shifting to face her. "Have you and ..."

  "No," she quickly assures me.

  "I have," Kaely admits casually. "He was my first actually. And only."

  We both stare at her in shock.

  "We've been hanging out since school ended when he comes here. And it ... happened," she explains. "He was really sweet. And hot."

  Nothing should surprise me anymore. But this does.

  "Do you have feelings for him?" Ashton asks.

  "I like him," Kaely admits, dipping her head coyly. "But, it's summer, and I kind of don't want to ruin it. It's easy right now. So whatever."

  Her words sound rehearsed, like she's trying to convince herself as well as us. That paired with her avoiding gaze makes it obvious she's not being completely honest, even with herself. Maybe she feels lying will keep her from getting hurt. I know all the signs, having lived with a Believer for a mother. Someone who's always convinced a guy is right for her until he makes it very clear he's not.

  "Don't settle for fun if that's not what you want. You are not a toy," I tell her, my words probably more chastising than they're meant to be. "You deserve to be worshipped. And if he or any other guy doesn't see that, then fuck them." I choose to add, "Not literally," just to make sure she understands, because as much as I adore her, she is a bit clueless.

  "Yeah, fuck 'em!" Ashton holds out her glass for each of us to tap.

  "Happy birthday, Pixie," Lance says from behind me, reaching in to tap his glass with the rest of us.

  "We were just talking about you!" Ashton declares. Kaely's mouth rounds.

  "You just said, fuck 'em, so," his eyes dart between us, "it's either going to be a really interesting night, or you know about me and Kaely."

  "Sorry," Kaely says, with a cringing smile.

  "I'm fine if they know," he says. "But are you okay? Did I do something wrong?"

  "Uh, we're going to get another drink," I announce, pulling Ashton after me to let them talk without an audience.

  "Hey, I wanted to hear that," Ashton sulks.

  "Sometimes you say things that maybe should stay on the inside," I tell her, before taking a large swallow from my drink so we can get another.

  "Maybe," she admits reluctantly. "Or maybe ... sometimes you should say the things you're really feeling on the inside."

  I laugh. "Maybe."

  We find Lily inside, pouring champagne for new arrivals.

  "Allow me," Stefan says, appearing from somewhere. "Shot for the birthday girl?"

  "Yes!" Ashton and Lily holler in unison. I laugh.

  He makes us a round of shots that taste like fresh watermelon and mint. And gives me a second immediately after.

  "Come help pick out music," Lily beckons, taking me by the hand. "We need to get people dancing."

  She leads me to a tablet where I scroll through songs and create a playlist.

  "Should I have warned you about Joey being here?" she
asks, leaning against the arm of the leather chair I'm sitting on.

  "You call him Joey? Not Wil?"

  She giggles like I'm being funny. "I grew up with him, just like you. I call him by the name we did as kids."

  "I didn't really grow up with him," I tell her, not wanting her to think I'm more familiar with Joey than I am.

  "Well, you know what I mean," she says, shrugging it off. "But I know how he feels about you, and I'm guessing you don't feel the same?"

  "Uh." I shift uncomfortably. "I don't know if I know how he feels about me. It was just one night, and it was the craziest night, so maybe he thinks he felt something that was only heightened by adrenaline or something."

  "I don't think so."

  I look at her curiously, and she offers a small sad smile. "But if you don't feel the same, then you can't force it, can you? Anyway, I should've told you he was coming. I'm sorry."

  I nod, because I can't say anything in attempt to make her feel better that would be honest. Yeah, I would have liked the heads up. No, it's not really okay that he's here. And what the hell is she even talking about with the whole feelings thing?! We just met. It was one night.

  I focus on creating the playlist for a few more minutes before Lily takes it back from me and switches the music over, allowing the electronic beats to blast through the speakers. She presses a few buttons on the tablet and the lights dim and begin flashing and pulsing--outside as well. People holler in response and soon bodies are moving to the beat.

  Lily takes my hand and we snag Ashton away from Brendan to drag her outside with us. Kaely is sitting on Lance's lap, so we completely destroy that moment when we tug her away. We dance until our bodies are slick and my curls are a mess. Stefan continues to deliver shots that make getting lost in the music that much easier. The entire time, I feel Joey watching, his eyes shooting electrified shivers along my skin. But he stays away. And I'm thankful he does because if he were to come up behind me, I know I'd let him put his hands on my hips and his mouth on my neck.

  "Which room are we staying in?" I ask Lily, needing to use the bathroom and get a bottle, or two, of water.

  "Second door in from the stairs," she says, taking my hand and spinning herself beneath it. "Hurry back."