Knowing You

  Then she struts off. I close my eyes and groan before following after her.

  "Try to deny it," she challenges when I sit next to her on the porch swing--that's on the porch and not in the middle of a weird birch tree forest.

  I stab the fruit salad like I'm trying to kill it before stuffing it in my mouth. I'm really regretting telling her about my curse right now.

  "You can't," she taunts. "Because you do. I see you, Lana. It's what I do, and I know what you're trying to do. But you're not actually being you. You're being a cold, bitchy girl who I'd like to smack upside the head. There are way too many cold and bitchy girls at Blackwood during the school year, you'll see. I don't need my closest friend to be one of them."

  I do what I do best and remain silent. I want to react, but she just said a lot, and I can't defend or verbally acknowledge most of it. And some of it, I'm not sure I even understand.

  "It's okay to like him, Lana. He's a nice guy. And although you're not the nicest person all of the time, he still likes you."

  I whip my head toward her in offense. But end up sighing, because she's right. I know this better than anyone because ... well, she is talking about me.

  "And just because you like him, it doesn't mean you're going to fall in love with him. That's what you're afraid of, for whatever twisted reason--that probably has to do with your mother. So just have fun. Be not with him ... but with him." She hesitates and tilts her head like she just confused herself. I know I'm confused.

  "I'm your closest friend?"

  She laughs. "You're a skilled deflector, huh?" She sets down her plate and hugs me. "Fine. No more like-talk. And yes, you are my closest friend. I can trust you because you are who you are when you're not possessed by a demon."

  I laugh. "Thanks, I think. And I know I've been off. I'm too in my head. So, thanks for not smacking me ... again."

  I stand to throw my plate away. Grant intercepts me on my way back to Ashton. "Do you have a second?"

  "Squirt-gun fight!" Squirrel hollers, carrying a bucket filled with long, white and orange plastic guns.

  "Let's go! You're on my team," Ashton says, appearing out of nowhere and taking my hand to pull me toward the bucket.

  "We seem to have even numbers to make it guys versus girls," Stefan proposes. "It'll be easier to know who's on your team."

  No one objects. Ten girls versus ten boys. I'm not sure if I should be impressed or horrified that the guys own this many squirt guns. And these aren't the small dollar store ones that need to be filled up after five squirts. These water guns have full pump-action, drenching capabilities.

  Ashton and I strip down to our bikini tops. I keep my shorts on with my metallic peach halter top. While Ashton bares all the way down to her cherry-red string bikini. I think I hear a few gulps as she kicks off her sandals. I'm starting to wonder if her mother is Gisele, but she's not married to a rock star, or old enough. Whoever the supermodel is, Ashton definitely has her body.

  I don't know why I'm compelled to search for Brendan. But when I find him, he's sweet talking one of the other females. She's curvy and about to bust out of her bikini top if she walks too fast, forget about runs. I glance over at Ashton, but she's not paying any attention to him. She's scanning our opponents with laser beam focus, like she's trying to decide who to take down first. I think if she had black liner, she'd draw marks under her eyes.

  "This is the plan," she says to me, propping her squirt gun against her shoulder like it's a military weapon. "We're going to let them take out the easy bimbo-targets first. That'll distract them long enough to allow us to slip around behind the shed. I'll get on top and ambush them from an aerial position. You flank them from the other side."

  "You're going to do what?!"

  "Go!" someone yells, and Ashton takes off. I scramble after her.

  "Ashton, I don't think climbing on top of the shed is a good idea."

  "Maybe you're right," she hollers over her shoulder. "Get down!" She dives behind a hydrangea bush. I crouch next to her. She uses the bush as a shield and shoots at a couple guys approaching from the other side. "Behind us!"

  I roll onto my back and unload on someone, just as I'm being pelted in the face.

  "Are you okay?" Lance calls, laughing. "I didn't mean to get you in the face."

  "Jerk!" I yell, trying to get him in the face too, but hitting the back of Stefan's head. "Sorry!"

  Ashton and I take off running, pursued by Lance and Stefan. They get distracted by bimbo-cleavage, so we run down to the beach.

  "This was a bad plan," Ashton says, peeking over the stone wall. "We've pinned ourselves in."

  "What are we doing exactly?" I ask. This isn't paintball and we don't have a flag to capture. I don't understand the point of strategizing.

  "Taking them down," she says in a menacing voice. Brendan's back is to us. Ashton shoots him in the butt, although I have a feeling she was aiming between his legs. Not even I'm that cruel.

  We duck when he spins around. With our backs to the wall, we tip our heads up with our guns at the ready. His head pokes out over the edge and I shoot him in the forehead. He hollers as he rolls away.

  And then, we're ambushed. Stefan and Lance jump over our heads and roll on the ground, rebounding to their feet and shooting at us like they're in some action movie. Grant and Squirrel are on the stairs, and Brendan is soaking us from above.

  I'm trying to shoot at them while protecting myself at the same time. It's useless.

  "Retreat!" Ashton yells. We take off for the dock, abandoning our guns on the beach. When we reach the end, we jump off. I make some attempt at a dive, while Ashton does a cannonball. Didn't expect that. We emerge laughing. I may have started laughing before I reached the surface, and I'm coughing between bouts of laughter.

  To our surprise, the guys jump in after us, hollering in the air before they splash in the water.

  Stefan grabs ahold of my ankle and pulls me under. I yelp just before I swallow a mouthful of lake water. From under the water, a hand grabs my wrist and pulls me up.

  I re-emerge hacking, and come face-to-face with Grant.

  "Are you okay?" he asks, concerned.

  I cough, still swallowing more water than air. "Yeah. I keep forgetting I can't breathe under water."

  He grins.

  I look around for something to hold onto, because I never mastered treading water very well. I kick off toward the trampoline. It's far enough away from the water-war--that now involves everyone--to keep me from being dunked again. Why use squirt guns when we have an entire lake?

  Grant follows at a distance, probably to be sure I make it to the trampoline safely, being the responsible lifeguard that he is.

  I reach for a rope on the side of the trampoline. I think he'll swim off and join back in with everyone else, but he continues to tread water near me. Still remaining a good five feet away, like he's afraid to come closer.

  "I'm not the best swimmer," I tell him. "Never took lessons."

  "I kind of figured that when you didn't know how to float on your back. It's one of the first things they teach you after blowing bubbles."

  "I can blow bubbles," I say and dip my mouth in to demonstrate. He laughs.

  "You're halfway to being a tadpole swimmer."

  "I'm a quick learner," I say with a smile, and he smiles back.

  Then his expression becomes serious. "I'm sorry about yesterday."

  I press my lips together, not sure what to say, because I'm pretty sure he's talking about the kiss.

  "I shouldn't have kissed you like that in front of everyone. It took me awhile to figure out why you were avoiding me today. Then it all made sense when someone asked where you were, like I'd know. Like we're together."

  "Like we're an us," I say quietly. Grant nods, silently apologizing. He continues treading water but has come in a little closer.

  "Do you want to ... hold on? I mean, I'm sure you had to tread water with a hundred-pound weight strapped to you in SEAL trai
ning, but you can hold on to the trampoline with me if you'd prefer."

  "It was a two-hundred-pound weight," he says, revealing his gorgeous smile again. "But yeah, I think holding on would be easier."

  He swims in and reaches for the rope next to me. Now he's much, much closer, and I've forgotten how to breathe altogether.

  "I heard everything you said the other night about why you don't date. And I'd never want you to lose yourself to me. But I'm not interested in Sophia, or anyone else. I like you, Lana. And I'm not really sure what do to about that while still respecting your no-dating rule."

  I swallow, thankfully not water this time.

  "I like you too," I say, wishing I could've remained silent. "But I can't date you."

  He nods regretfully, his eyes downcast. I think he's about to push off and swim back to the group, but he redirects his sky-blue gaze at me. "What if we make up our own rules? No titles. No ... ownership, but exclusive. I couldn't handle seeing you with another guy, and not because I want you to be mine but because I think I'd be devoured by jealousy."

  "I can't imagine you jealous, or even angry. I'm not convinced you have any flaws."

  "I have them, trust me. Yesterday proves it. I was so wrapped up in wanting to kiss you, that I didn't even think, or care, that other people were around. I didn't take into consideration if it would upset you. I was selfish. And as much as I'm sorry I did it without asking, I'm not sorry for kissing you. It's all I've thought about since the firefly field."

  I'm staring at his lips. "Yeah, me too," I say in a rasp. Now it's all I can think about, not that I haven't played that kiss on repeat in my head since it happened. But I freaked out, thinking he wanted more than I'm willing to give him. And that fear turned me into a demon, as Ashton so fondly called me.

  "So what do we do? What do you want to do?"

  "Kiss you," I murmur. He laughs.

  "We'll get to that," he says, floating around so he's in front of me. He reaches above my head and holds onto the rope with both hands, caging me in. "Want to give this non-dating thing a try?" His gaze lowers to my mouth. "You be you. I'll be me. And we'll just hang out, and talk, and be really good friends, who kiss, and ..."

  "Yes," I utter, capturing the words that never leave his mouth.

  I wrap my legs around his waist to keep me anchored to him. One arm pins me to him while his other keeps him attached to the trampoline. This kiss is frantic, filled with wanting. I gasp as his tongue dances with mine. A groan rumbles deep in his throat. I let go and slide my arms around his neck. His one-handed grip of the rope is the only thing keeping us from floating away, or sinking.

  Grant kisses along my jaw and down my neck, teasing with his tongue. I tilt my head, tangling my fingers in his hair. The entire world has disappeared. We are in our own fantastical realm filled with light and warmth. I'm almost convinced that if he let go, the water would form a bubble around us just so we could stay joined together.

  He returns to my mouth, and his hand slides up my side, a thumb just under my bikini line. I swear I'm a second away from untying it myself when I hear, "Whoa! Sorry."

  "That's where you went," Ashton says, her head tipped over the edge of the trampoline a couple feet above us.

  Lance is at the ladder, climbing up. He jumps on the trampoline, and must tackle Ashton because I hear her yell, "Hey! I was watching!"

  I expect Grant to let go and separate, but he leans in and asks, "What's the PDA rule?"

  I open my mouth in surprise.

  "Because if you say we can't touch in public, I may need a ten-foot radius and a shock collar to remind me."

  I laugh. "So I'm your flaw?"

  Grant smiles. "Far from it." He kisses my cheek. "My impulse to kiss you, perhaps."

  "Can I think about it?" I ask, still half in this world and half in the realm our kiss created. "I'm still a little ..."

  "Lost? Like you're not sure it was real or you were dreaming?" he finishes, completely in sync with what I experienced.

  "Exactly," I answer, in awe.

  "It was real," he assures me but releases me at the same time. The cool water instantly makes me very aware that this is not a dream as it fills in all the spaces his warm body was pressed against mine.

  He floats on his back, kicking his legs to distance himself. I watch, questioning my hesitancy to be with him for everyone to see, even if we're not dating. The black diamonds on my thumb flash in the sunlight as a reminder.

  I won't fall in love with him.

  He smiles and his eyes twinkle with playful but seductive mischief.

  I can't fall in love with him.

  He dips his chin in the water and blows bubbles. I laugh.

  I shouldn't fall in love with him.

  "Stop looking at me like that," he says. "Or I'm going to make up the rules for you." My heart skips a beat at just the thought.

  Please stop me from falling in love with him.

  Thaylina rose to her feet, in search of the sorceress. Only to find her lifeless body at the bottom of the tower. The entire kingdom shook with the scream the girl released. Thaylina knew that she would forever be cursed with heartache from that day forth.

  "Brownies!" Ashton exclaims when Squirrel is about to bite into it. She snatches it from his hand and shoves it into her mouth, tearing off a huge piece. She moans. "They're my favorite," she declares with her mouth full.

  "You don't say?" he chuckles, reaching for another from within a plastic bag. "Want one, Lana?"

  I take it, and just as I'm chewing my first bite, he adds, "They're magic brownies." I try to stop swallowing, but I can't make it come back up.

  Ashton looks at me and laughs. "Oh, no more kisses for you tonight!"

  I stare at the evil brownie. "I wish you had told me that, like, ten seconds ago."

  "Oh, sorry. I thought Ashton said you were cool with herbs," Squirrel says, sincerely feeling bad.

  "I am. I just ... well, screw it." I continue eating it. "It'll make the fireworks that much prettier."

  "That's exactly what I was thinking!" Squirrel exclaims like his mind is blown that we shared the same thought.

  I glare at Ashton who is still laughing at me. "If I don't get kissed, then neither do you."

  "Maybe I'll kiss you then," she snaps back.

  We stop. She scrunches her eyes like she's not quite sure she meant to say that.

  "I'm not going to hold you to it."

  Squirrel nibbles on his brownie, watching us intently like we're the most fascinating creatures he's ever come across.

  Grant and Stefan had to run to the country club to help them deal with an emergency or something. The club is hosting a cookout at one of the member's houses, and a bartender was running late ... I really don't know the details. But they said they'd be back in a couple hours. And when he does come back, I hope he doesn't take my being high as his answer to the PDA question.

  An hour later, we're lying under a tree, our sundresses splayed on the grass around us. Ashton is using Squirrel's stomach as a pillow, and my head is on her stomach, so we create a zig-zag pattern.

  Ashton sweeps her fingers across my forehead, brushing my overgrown bangs to the side and tucking them behind my ear. The tickle of her fingers on my skin is sedating. A rustle of leaves has captivated my attention. It's like they're waving to me.

  "Why do they call you Squirrel?" I ask out of nowhere.

  "Because, when I was little, I used to hide food in my closet. When my parents asked me why, I told them it was for hibernation."

  Ashton and I laugh. "That is the best story!" she exclaims. "I love it. Except ... love is so confusing." Her stomach flexes beneath me as she talks, jostling my head.

  "I don't believe in love," is my response.

  Squirrel starts laughing so hard that Ashton is forced to sit up, which makes me sit as well. When he realizes we aren't laughing with him, he slowly calms. "I didn't know you were serious."

  I nod.

  "Love exists, whe
ther you believe in it or not. Just like magic."

  I look to Ashton, who is seriously contemplating this as valid. "Yeah, you're right."

  "Um ... what?"

  Ashton lays on her side, her head propped on her elbow, to face Squirrel. I turn toward him and sit cross-legged, tucking my skirt beneath me, preparing to absorb whatever wisdom Squirrel is about to unleash.

  "Love isn't something you can hold onto, or will into being. It already is, because we are it. Love is us at our essence."

  "Then how come it hurts us then? Breaks so many hearts? Destroys lives?"

  "That's not love. That's fear. Fear rules our minds. Every time we overthink and try to talk ourselves out of something, that's fear talking. And when it's threatened, when love starts to take over, it speaks louder, trying to make us believe we're not worthy of being loved, or it's only going to hurt us. But love never hurts. Not ever."

  I just stare at him. His words are like butterflies flitting around his head, and I try to hold on to them, but they're all jumbled up and I'm not sure which butterfly spoke first.

  "What was in the brownies?" I ask.

  "I don't really remember, but it's organic," Squirrel says, twirling a strand of Ashton's hair around his finger.

  "What happens when we fall in love?" Ashton asks, lining the palm of my hand with hers and examining the way our fingers press together.

  "You don't get to choose who you love. You are love. So when you share that love, you're sharing you. You never really fall in love exactly. It's a connection. A bond. Our souls recognize that connection long before we do. Love can't be given or taken away, it can only be experienced in a beautiful symbiotic way that fills up your entire being."

  "Like light," a voice inside me says.

  Squirrel is quiet for moment. "Yeah. Like light." I guess he heard that voice too.

  "What are you doing over here?" Kaely asks, sitting down next to me.

  "Being light," Ashton replies, running a finger along my arm that sends a cascade of shivers through my body.

  "Oh," Kaely says, thinking about this. "I don't understand."

  "That's because your fear is talking," I tell her. I think I got that right.

  "Are we sharing our biggest fear?" Kaely asks, getting excited. "I'm so afraid of falling down a hole and getting stuck, and then calling out and nobody hearing me. Then I'll be stuck in the ground by myself forever."