The Consequence of Revenge

  “You all lose.” Milo shook her head. “Congrats, you’re all losers. Can we please go home now?”

  “Never!” I slammed the table with my hand and winced when a peanut lodged itself between my fingers, then went flying into the bartender’s face.

  Okay, so maybe we’d need to go to a different bar now.

  Cold air bit me on the ass as the door opened.

  Jason smirked.

  Colt laughed.

  And Milo sighed happily.

  Damn it.

  I turned and came face-to-face with my brother.

  “What the hell are you doing here?” I asked, eyes narrowing. He’d been visiting a lot recently, which was shocking considering he was still in therapy over Jason’s grandmother feeling him up in his special place. Thrice.

  “Colt texted me.” He licked his lips. “One-liners, huh? Seems you guys have the worst luck in the world. Watch and learn.”

  “Cheater!” I yelled. “No Reids allowed! It says so in the rules.”

  Reid rolled his eyes.

  “Aw, let him.” Milo laughed. “This will be the most entertainment I’ve had in months.”

  “No!” I nudged Milo. “You don’t understand, women seriously strip in his presence, one time an old lady passed out and he gave her CPR thinking she was dying and she grabbed him by the neck and didn’t let go. She did it on purpose. On purpose, Milo!”

  Milo rolled her eyes.

  “Reid, tell her!”

  Reid just shrugged while the guys stared at him like he was some sort of magic sex god.

  “It’s true.” Reid sighed. “Women tend to get . . . feisty when I’m around.”

  “Please.” I rolled my eyes. “Last summer a chick rubbed up against you and said, ‘Baby me.’ Pretty sure you’d make a killing just getting women pregnant if you ever felt so inclined.”

  “Something’s wrong with you guys.” Jason shook his head. “No, seriously. Something is very wrong.”

  “Whatever.” Reid reached behind Milo and popped something in his mouth, then cracked his knuckles and walked up to the first few women he saw.

  “Uh-oh.” Milo gasped.

  “My thoughts exactly.” I groaned as both women started playing with Reid’s collar and then rubbed up against him.

  “No, not that.” She held out the bag of gummy bears. “He took a handful. I’d pulled them out of my purse to throw them away.”

  “Well, shit.” I chuckled.

  “Ha, oh, believe me.” Colt sighed. “He’ll be doing plenty of that in a few minutes.”

  CHAPTER SIX

  MAX

  I would be a bad brother if I didn’t actually stay in that bar and wait for Reid to shit his pants. I mean, I could have left him! Instead, like a freaking saint, I waited by the bar while Reid worked his magic.

  “Any minute now.” I crossed my arms and chuckled as Reid suddenly froze and did a little headshake as if clearing cobwebs—or perhaps gummy bears. “I wonder how many you have to eat. What’s the brand again, Milo?”

  She told me.

  I searched my phone.

  Bingo.

  A grin that I’m sure looked a hell of a lot like the Cheshire cat’s spread across my face as I read customer reviews, or as I’d like to call them, stories from hell.

  “How many he take?” I asked casually.

  “Like ten.” Milo shrugged.

  Laughing, I watched Reid start to back away from the women. Their faces fell—rejection washed over their features. Reid stumbled back, his face flushed red. And then he made a beeline toward us.

  “I have to go!” he all but shouted. “I don’t think I can drive, I don’t think . . .” He winced and held his stomach.

  “You sound like you’re giving birth to a goat.” I chuckled as another sound a bit like a shriek emerged from Reid’s mouth.

  “Why me?” he asked aloud. “Why is it always me?”

  “Um.” Jason raised his hand. “To be fair, it’s like we row the same boat, Reid. You deal with emotional attacks from elderly ladies and I get straight-up attacked, only I’m pretty sure I’d rather be physically injured than deal with lusty grandmothers and intestinal gas brought on by sugar-free gummy bears.”

  “I’m allergic”—Reid’s eyes widened—“to anything sugar-free.”

  “Please.” I waved him off. “You had an attack one time.”

  Reid’s eyes narrowed. “I was in the hospital a week.”

  “On account that you ate the whole bag of sugar-free chocolate. Reid, you’re lucky they were able to even pump your stomach.” Sugar-free chocolate also made him a bit crazy; he had kicked two nurses in the process of the stomach pumping.

  Another gurgle emerged from Reid, though the jury was out as to which end of his body was the one doing the talking.

  “Guys, I need to go to the hospital.”

  Rolling my eyes, I looked at the rest of the group. “We should probably take him to be safe.”

  “I can’t drive.” Colton held up his hands. “Tequilasha.”

  “You met a girl named Tequilasha?” Milo yelled, and smacked him on the back of the head.

  “No. He means tequila.” Jason rolled his eyes. “Geez, Milo, you’ve been here the whole time.”

  “Can we discuss”—Reid groaned and held on to me for support—“this in the car? On the way to the hospital? Please?”

  “I’ll drive.” I snatched the keys from Colt as we all walked out to the parking lot and piled into the car.

  “Reid, get on top.”

  “Top?” Sweat started pouring down his face. “On top of what?”

  “The car.” I pointed. “Hospital’s only like two miles away. Just pretend you’re a dog and let your tongue hang out.”

  “Nothing will be hanging out!” Reid shouted. “Why are we even discussing this? I need a doctor!”

  “And I need to not smell whatever’s cooking inside of that stove of yours. Ten bucks says it’s burning and churning.”

  Reid wiped his face with his hands. “I’m not getting on the car.”

  “Dude, just pretend you’re car surfing.”

  “Guys!” Milo shivered. “Just get in and stop arguing. You all bicker more than girls.”

  “Fine.” I held up my hands in innocence. “But don’t say I didn’t warn you guys.”

  “I can control my body,” Reid muttered under his breath as he got in the passenger side and put on his seat belt.

  “We all in?” I checked the mirrors, adjusted my seat, and looked at my teeth in the mirror.

  “For the love of God, Max! Just drive!” Reid shouted, his voice cracking at the end.

  Grinning, I started the car and backed out of the parking lot.

  Things were going great. Jason hadn’t slammed his hand in the car door or anything, Milo wasn’t punching him, Colt wasn’t puking, and Reid seemed to be—

  “Oh, God.” Reid hunched over and then a sound I’d never heard another human being attempt, let alone actually make, erupted from his lips. Watching Reid was like watching something on the Discovery Channel.

  “Hey, uh, you okay?” I reached out and patted his back.

  “Don’t!” Reid started rocking back and forth. “Don’t touch me. Makes. It. Worse.”

  So naturally I kept rubbing his back.

  “I can’t—” Reid’s teeth started chattering as another sound came from him, only it wasn’t from his mouth.

  “Was that?” Milo leaned forward and then started gagging. “Let me out, let me out!”

  Reid shouted, “Guys, I think I have an alien inside of me, I think I’m, I think I’m possessed . . .”

  “What’s that smell?” Jason sniffed. “It’s like . . .”

  “Rotten bear,” I finished, trying to lean as far away from Reid as possible. Finally I opened my window and sucked in some fresh air. “Almost there, buddy, hold tight.”

  “I can’t. Hold. On.” Reid’s chest was heaving. “I’m not that strong, man. I’ve never been the
strong one. You, you’re the strong one.”

  “You’re not dying!” I shouted. “Not on my watch!”

  “Maybe.” Reid winced. “Maybe it’s better this way.” His head slammed back against the seat as he let out a scream that sounded like he was being split in two by Thor’s hammer. “Oh, sweet mother of God!” Reid reached for the door handle. “I’m jumping! I’m going to jump!”

  “Reid, no!” Colt reached around and held him against the seat. “We’re almost to the hospital. Think of something happy, like go to another place.”

  “But not the bathroom,” I interjected. “Don’t go there in your mind because we don’t want it to somehow translate into reality.”

  “I see a light.” Reid held out his hand. “Guys, I’m combusting from the inside out . . . give my iPhone to Jenna . . .”

  “Jenna?” we all yelled in unison.

  “Such pretty legs.”

  “Holy shit!”

  “I wish! It’s not holy!” Reid wailed. “It’s evil! It’s so, so evil!”

  “You’ve been seeing Jenna?” Jason pushed his way to the middle console and punched Reid in the arm, which resulted in more toxic gas being released into the atmosphere, making everyone in the car start to gag.

  “So?” Reid’s teeth were chattering. “If she could only see me now.”

  “Jason!” Colt yelled. “Put your phone away! You are not sending pictures of Reid to Jenna!”

  “Damn it! Jenna’s mine! Do you realize how many classes I’ve been to?

  “Reid does a better downward dog!” I yelled above Jason’s voice. “Just leave Jenna out of this!”

  “I’ll downward dog you and we’ll see who’s better!” Jason fired back.

  “Don’t,” I whispered. “Just stay away!”

  “Oh, sweet death!” Reid wailed. “I can see Pop-pop.” He reached into the air and fluttered his fingers as we pulled up to the last stoplight before the turn to the hospital. “Pop-pop, why are you so young? He’s running, Reid. Pop-pop’s running!”

  “Damn it! Stay with us!” I hit the accelerator, causing Jason to collide with Reid again.

  “It’s coming!” Reid’s voice shook as he let out another wail and then . . . burped.

  “You swallow, you son of a bitch!” I yelled. “You hear me? Swallow!”

  Reid shook his head.

  “Swallow it!”

  Jason slapped me on the shoulder. “Funny, I had this exact conversation with—”

  “Mmsdlfksdklfhdsfh!” Reid shook his head and tried to open his door.

  “Damn it, Reid!”

  “Colt! Restrain him!”

  I pulled into the hospital parking lot and gave everyone, myself included, whiplash as I jerked to a halt and ran around to the other side of the car to grab Reid.

  “Stay with me, little buddy!” He nodded and then puked onto the ground. I rubbed his back and helped him walk through the hospital doors, followed by everyone else.

  “I feel . . .” Reid swayed on his feet. “Hot.”

  “Keep your insides inside,” I instructed. “Okay?”

  A really pretty nurse approached us and smiled.

  Reid turned, coughed, and puked on my shirt.

  Just as I shook her hand.

  “Hi, I’m Max. The new Bachelor. And my brother’s about to give birth, so if you could get us a chair with those stirrup things—it’s going to be a long night.”

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  MAX

  There were probably better ways for me to impress the opposite sex—ways that didn’t involve flatulence or puke, but hey, I was working with what I had! You can’t blame a guy for trying!

  Reid coughed. “Hurry.”

  The nurse gagged. “I’ll just go get a wheelchair and free up a room.”

  “Make sure the room has a bathroom!” I called after her while she scurried off and coughed.

  I think I was getting used to the smell of puke. Hmm, probably a bad sign.

  “How you holdin’ up, man?” I slapped Reid on the back just as he doubled over in pain.

  “Who knew?” Colt shrugged, walking up with Jason. “I mean, sugar-free gummy bears?”

  “The devil!” Reid coughed. “The very devil possesses those bears!”

  “Here we go!” The nurse returned with a wheelchair and a hospital gown. “If you’ll just follow me I’ll take you to your room.”

  Jason’s mouth dropped open.

  He was openly and very awkwardly staring at the nurse. I mean, yeah, she was hot, but come on! Reid was dying!

  “Remember how you said you’d take one for the team and kiss me on the mouth?”

  “Er . . .” I stepped away. “So not the time to be discussing this.”

  “Punch me in the face,” Jason ordered.

  Colt and Milo shoved past us and followed Reid and the nurse while Jason grabbed my shirt and basically he-manned me up against the wall. “Do it!”

  “Stop yelling!” I fought against him.

  I didn’t expect him to take it so far as to slap me. But he did. And when I didn’t punch him back, he slapped me harder.

  I was officially his bitch, no, really. Swear, it was like we were in a relationship and I’d just pissed him off by not folding the towels just right.

  “Stop slapping me!” I lunged for him and then clocked him in the jaw. Jason, of course, went tumbling to the ground.

  “Nurse!” he yelled.

  The pretty nurse stopped walking and turned around. With a gasp she ran toward us. “What happened?”

  Jason pointed at me. Bastard. Glaring, I answered, “I have anger issues.”

  “He does.” Jason sniffed and dabbed his jaw with his hand. “Geez, man, control yourself!”

  “Dying!” Reid shouted. “In case anyone cares!”

  The nurse stopped in her tracks at the sound of Reid’s voice, and then Jason doubled over and clenched his face. “I think something’s broken!”

  “Giving birth to a small penguin!” Reid shouted over Jason’s fake whining.

  “Oh, for the love,” I grumbled and then slapped Jason on the back as hard as I possibly could. “Suck it up, she can examine you in Reid’s room.”

  “You know how private I am, Max.” Jason scowled, holding his jaw.

  “Um.” The nurse turned bright red. “I’ll figure something out, but we really need to put some ice on that.” Her gaze met mine. If looks could kill I’d have been descending into hell right about then.

  Right. Like I purposefully poisoned my brother and then punched Jason in the face. Why was I always the bad guy? Furthermore, why did I always have to take the fall?

  By the time we made it into the room, Jason’s whines had turned into some sort of hoarse moaning that made it sound as if he were a mating pig rather than an adult male in pain.

  Reid, on the other hand, soiled himself. Twice. And then prayed for God to call him home at least five times, all before the nice nurse gave him some happy drugs and a change of clothes.

  “Where are Colt and Milo?” I looked around the empty room. “Did they—”

  A flash of color caught my eye.

  Curious, I walked out of the room to find Milo and Colt making their way toward the exit.

  “You dirty. Little. Whores.”

  Milo and Colt both stopped in their tracks and slowly turned to face me. That’s right—I caught their guilty asses!

  “And just where do you think you two are going?”

  Milo looked down at the ground. “I’m sick.”

  Colt coughed on her behalf and then hit her back. “We’re both sick.”

  “With lies,” I spit. “With dirty lies!”

  “It’s not what it looks like!” Colt held up his hands in defense, I slapped them away and scowled.

  “The spawn of Satan”—I pointed at Milo—“gave my brother poisoned bears, and thanks to her, if anyone lights a match anywhere near this hospital we’re going to have an explosion on our hands. If I, the nonguilty party,
have to stay, then you have to stay too. Breathe through your mouth!”

  Milo started backing away. “But—”

  “No excuses!” I pointed at Colt. “Control your wife, Colt!”

  With jerky movements Colt grabbed Milo’s purse and started digging, then pulled out a handful of gummy bears and held them next to his mouth.

  “I’ll do it!” he shouted. “Don’t think I won’t!”

  “Whoa!” I held up my hands. “Whoa there, little buddy, just put the bears down.”

  “Colt—” Milo’s voice wavered. “We can talk about this. Come on, baby, let’s just go back inside.”

  “No!” Colt shouted. “I say no! Why should I have to stay and suffer when it’s not even my fault?”

  “Dude.” I reached out my hand you like how you do when you first meet an aggressive animal and want it to know you mean no harm. “Just give me the bears.”

  “How do I know you won’t make me stay?” Colt’s eyes narrowed. “How can I trust you?”

  “Look.” I was losing patience fast. “Just hand me the bears and I’ll let you walk away. Colt, you can still walk away from this. It’s not worth it.”

  “Isn’t it?” Colt’s voice shook. “How do you know? What if I’d rather suffer than sit in your brother’s poisonous gas?”

  “Dude.” I waved him off. “He’s totally healed now. They gave him drugs, he’s sleeping like a baby.”

  Reid’s voice carried down the hall. “It’s coming!” A shriek erupted from his room. “Ballllsssss!” Was he weeping? “Holy Hannah!” Wow, didn’t know he had such a set of pipes. “HANNAH MONTANA!”

  Once the screaming stopped, I chanced a look at Colt. He’d dropped the bears onto the ground.

  “Good choice.” I nodded. “Take my hand. We’re going back in there. Reid needs us now more than ever.”

  “You can’t make us.” Milo lunged for my hair. Nobody touched the hair. It was held in place by at least seven different products that cost more than the T-shirt she was wearing.

  “Back off!” I held up my fists.

  “Dude, are you going to punch my wife?”

  “He has a thing about people touching his hair, he says it’s more sensitive on account of its glossiness,” Milo said.

  Colt rolled his eyes.

  “It’s a real thing!” I yelled just as Reid let out another yell that in fact harmonized with mine. See? Talented. Both of us bastards.