Twisted Roots

  "But if you never run out of money and you can always buy away the frustrations, why would it matter?" I countered.

  She looked at me very sternly,

  "That's your father talking," she replied. Whenever she says that or says something like that_. I feel as if she has just slapped me across the face.

  "You'll see," she added. "Someday you'll see and you'll understand. I hope."

  Should I hope the same thing? Why do we have to know about the ugly truths awaiting us? I wondered that aloud when I was with my stepfather once, and he said. "Because you appreciate the beauty more. I think what your mother is trying to get you to understand is that not only do these people she speaks of have a lower threshold of tolerance for the unpleasant things in life, but they have or develop a lower threshold of appreciation for the truly beautiful things as well, The Taj Mahal becomes, well, just another item on the list of places to visit and brag that you have seen, if you know what I mean."

  I did, but for some reason. I didn't want to be so quick to say I did. Whenever Mommy or Miguel were critical of the Palm Beach social world. I understood they were being critical of my father and his family as well, and even though they weren't treating me like a member of that family, I couldn't help but think of them as part of me or me, part of them. I'm full of so many emotional contradictions, twisted and tangled like a telephone wire with all sorts of cross

  communication. It's hard to explain to anyone who doesn't live a similar life so I keep it all bottled up inside me. I never tell anyone in my classes at school or any of my friends about these family conflicts and feelings.

  Feelings, in fact, are often kept in little safes in our house. There is the sense that if we let too many of them out at the same time, we might explode. Every-thing is under control here,

  We're never too happy; we're never too sad. Whenever we approach either, there are techniques employed. After all, both Miguel and Mommy are experts in psychology.

  Daddy is always urging me to be different from them, warning me that if I'm not. I'll be unhappy.

  "Don't be like your mother," he says. "Don't analyze every pin drop. Forget about the -whys and wherefores and enjoy. She's like a cook who can't go out to eat and take pleasure in something wonderful without first asking the waiter for a list of every ingredient and then questioning how it was prepared, always concluding with 'Oh, if he or she had done this or that, it would be even better,' Don't become like that. Hannah," he advises.

  Maybe he's right.

  But maybe. maybe I can't help it. After all. I am my mother's daughter, too, aren't I?

  Or is my mother going to forget that I am her daughter? Is she hoping for that little loss of memory she often wishes she had?

  I have another fear, a deep, dark suspicion that I remind her so much of my father that she can't tolerate it anymore and that was and is the real reason why she finally wanted another child, a child with Miguel.

  Perhaps it is my imagination overworking or misinterpreting, but all throughout these last months of her pregnancy. I felt her growing more and more distant from me. She had less time to talk to me about my problems and concerns. Helping me find a suitable part-time job and getting me my own car seemed to have slipped out of both her and Miguel's minds. She had more concern for her practice, finding ways to continue to treat or have her clients treated while she was recuperating from giving birth than she had for me. She wanted to stop going to work the last month, and she was always very busy trying to make arrangements. I could see that even our morning ride together had changed. How many times did I say something or ask something and she didn't hear me because her ears were filled with her own worries and thoughts?

  "What was that?" she would ask, or she would simply not respond and I would give up, close up like a clam, and stare out the window wishing I had waken with a cold and stayed home bundled up and forgotten.

  However, my school, my teachers and some of the friends I had filled my life with more joy now. Staying home would have been punishing myself for no reason, or at least, no reason for which I could be blamed. In fact, some of my girlfriends actually felt sorry for me. They thought it would be weird if their mothers became pregnant like mine at this point in their family lives.

  "I can tell you right now what's going to happen." Massy Hewlett declared with the authority of a Supreme Court judge. "You're going to end up being the family baby-sitter, and just when you should have more freedom to enjoy your social life."

  "No," I told her. "They have already decided to hire a nanny. My mother had one when she was little. She didn't need one when I was born because she wasn't working yet, but she has to get back to her clients, so it's different now

  "It's not the same thing." Massy insisted. "You'll see. Older mothers are more neurotic. They have less tolerance, and they tend to exaggerate every little thing the baby does. A sneeze will became pneumonia."

  "Don't you think Hannah's mother would be aware of all that?" Stacy Kreskin piped up. "She just happens to be a psychologist. Massy. It's not going to be the same for Hannah."

  "We'll see," Massy said, refusing to be challenged or corrected. To Massy, being right was more important than being a good friend. It never even occurred to her that she was making me unhappy. I don't think she would have cared anyway.

  Reluctant to be defeated, she simply shifted to another level of criticism.

  "Even if she doesn't find herself baby-sitting or being asked to hang around the house, she'll feel like she doesn't exist anymore. There's a new king or queen. It happened to me!" she cried, shaking her head at the looks of either skepticism or disapproval. "My baby sister is nearly eight years younger, so I should know. shouldn't I? I'm just trying to give her a heads-up about it."

  Our little clump grew silent and then broke away like blocks that had lost their glue and exploded, sailing off in a variety of directions. I was left alone to ponder the way my world would change, feeling as if I was floundering on the border between childhood needs and adult responsibilities. Should I be whining about the way our lives were changing or should I accept and adjust?

  Maybe I shouldn't care. Maybe I should be happy. I'll be more on my own. I won't be on everyone's emotional radar screen. It's good to be ignored, isn't it? Or will I feel more unloved and unwanted than ever?

  The conflict in me kept me sa distracted, I felt like I was lost and drifting most of the time. Sometimes I felt I had stepped into the quagmire of emotions. I had to face it and find a way out. Now, with Mommy's water breaking and little Claude on the threshold of our home and family, there was no more putting it off for later. Whether I liked it or not. whether I was ready or not, the whole situation was in my face. It was all happening and it couldn't be ignored.

  There was ring to be another child in this house, a little prince.

  The princess would have to step aside.

  .

  On those rare occasions when either Mommy or Miguel were unable to drive me to school, our head grounds keeper. Ricardo, drove me in his pickup truck. Unfortunately for me, these occasions were so rare. I couldn't use them as an excuse or reason for them to get me my own car before I had a suitable job or earned the year's worth of insurance,

  "What good is my driver's license?" I whined more than ever lately. "I don't get much of an opportunity to use it. It's not safe for someone to drive as little as I do."

  "Now, there's a good one," Miguel teased. "In order to make the highways safer, we should decrease the number of teenagers with their own cars."

  "I'm sure we'll make it all happen soon," Mommy promised. "As soon as I get free of these other issues. I'll help you find suitable employment, and Miguel will look into what car we should get for you. Soon," she repeated.

  Soon: That was an easy word to hate. Adults, especially parents, used it as a shield to ward off requests and complaints. It was full of promise, but vague enough to keep them from having to make a real commitment.

  Even rarer were times when Mommy
's car was there for me to use Right up to the last week of her pregnancy, she wanted her car at the house. It made her nervous not to have it available for an emergency. Ricardo could drive her anywhere if Miguel wasn't home. or even I could,

  The morning Mommy's water broke. Miguel asked me if I would rather go with them to the hospital and wait for my baby brother to be barn, but I told him I couldn't. I had an important English exam to take. I didn't. but I didn't want to be at the hospital. From simply listening to conversations Mommy and Miguel had about different clients of Mommy's. I knew enough to describe myself as being in denial. I resented little Claude so much I refused to admit to his coming and being. I actually imagined Mommy returning from the hospital without him and Miguel explaining it had all been an incorrect diagnosis. It had turned out to be a digestive problem easily corrected. There was no little Claude after all. Our lives, mine in particular, would not change. My world would no longer be topsy-turvy.

  "Well, all right." Miguel said with

  disappointment flooding his face. "I'll tell you what," he said. "Let Ricardo drive you this morning, and I'll come to the school to get you if your mother gives birth before the day is over. I think that just might happen even though it's nearly a month too soon," he added with some trepidation in his voice.

  "You could call the school and let them know to tell me. and I'll drive to the hospital," I said. "Just in case she doesn't give birth that quickly."

  Once again his eyes darkened with

  disappointment.

  "Your mother is nervous. Hannah. I don't want her worrying about you at this time." he added.

  "Why should she worry? I'm a good driver."

  He stared without replying. It was his way of pleading for understanding,

  "All right," I said petulantly. Little Claude hadn't made his first cry and already he was causing me unhappiness. I had to swallow it down.

  "Thank you." Miguel said.

  After they had left and I had my breakfast, I got into Ricardo's pickup truck.

  "Today you become a sister." he declared with a joyful smile, "I bet you are excited. eh?"

  "Yes," I lied. I didn't like airing my inner feelings, especially ones that had me feeling guilty and ashamed. I hated myself for that. but I hated what had made me that way even more.

  Ricardo started to talk about his younger brothers and sisters.

  He was the oldest in a family of seven, but all of them had been barn relatively close to each other. They all had much more in common than I would have with little Claude. By the time he was old enough to talk to me and understand anything significant. I would be in college. How could I ever think of him as a brother or ever care?

  Ricardo's voice droned on. Even with its musical cadence and his happy tones, it became a monotonous stream of noise behind me, behind my dark and dreary thoughts.

  "You can go a little faster, Ricardo," I interrupted. "I don't want to be late for school."

  "si," he said.

  As we rode on. I glanced occasionally at pedestrians and the scenery. but I really saw no one or nothing, and when I arrived at school. I was surprised. Somehow, I didn't even realize the trip. I had been in too much of a daze. I hopped out quickly and barely uttered a thank-you and goodbye.

  Not one of my friends seemed to notice how unhappy I was. It caused me to wonder if to them I always appeared this sad and depressed. Everyone seemed to be used to my silence, my dark eyes, my downward gaze and lack of energy. They rambled on with their usual excitement, swirling around me, showing off new clothing, new makeup, different hairdos, and passing an stories and rumors about this bay and that. I almost felt as if I had woven a cocoon about myself and none of them could see, hear, or touch me.

  There was finally a reaction to and an awareness of my existence when Mrs. Margolis, the principal's assistant and secretary, appeared at my classroom door and announced I was to be excused,

  "For a happy occasion," she added, unable to contain the news.

  All my friends knew what that meant, and all turned to me. Massy's face a scowl of pity. I quickly gathered my books and hurried out, head down, my heart feeling more like it was growling than beating.

  "Your stepfather is waiting for you in the lobby." Mrs. Margolis said as we walked down the hallway. "Congratulations," she added. and I muttered a thank-you and hurried along.

  Miguel stood smiling proudly near the front entrance.

  "I told you it would happen quickly. Little Claude has arrived," he announced,

  "How's Mommy?" I asked.

  "She's doing fine, but..." he added letting the but hang for a while as we walked out and to his car.

  "But what?"

  "Your little brother is smaller than we had expected him to be because he's technically a premature baby even though he weighs enough. He's doing fine, but to be on the safe side, the doctor would like to keep him there a little longer than they usually keep newborns."

  "Oh." I said, caught in a rainstorm of different feelings and thoughts. A part of me hoped he staved there forever, but a larger part of me felt very sad for Mommy and for Miguel.

  "Naturally, your mother is concerned. so I thought it would be very good for you to visit, see little Claude, and tell her how beautiful he is," Miguel said. 'I'm sure you understand," he added.

  I nodded. but I also always believed Mommy could tell if I was not sincere about something. Even my father believed she had a second set of eyes that slipped in front of her regular eyes and pierced through any mask of deception.

  "She ought to work for the CIA." he quipped on more than one occasion.

  When we arrived at the hospital, we did as Miguel wanted and went to see little Claude first. He was in a bassinet that looked like it was built for a baby ten times his size. I couldn't believe how small he was and that this tiny creature in that miniature form was a full human being related to me. His head looked no bigger than an apple, and his hands and feet were so doll-like, I couldn't help doubting he was real. He was crying with such intensity, his face was actually the hue of a ripe apple. Despite his being only hours old, his skin around his tiny wrists and even under his eyes and his neck resembled skin wrinkled with age. I saw nothing beautiful about him and was actually happy about that. How could they make such a fuss over something like him?

  "Isn't he remarkable?" Miguel asked, standing beside me and looking through the window.

  "Yes," I said "But you're right... he's so tiny."

  "But he'll crow fast. In a few weeks you won't believe you're looking at the same child." he assured me. ''He has my hair, although not much of it yet, huh?"

  "Dipped in ink." I said. and Miguel laughed, When I was little, it was something he used to tell me about his hair and his beard.

  "Right, right. Well, let's go see your mother," he said. and I followed him to her room.

  Maybe I had a second set of eyes. too, because it only took one glimpse of her to know she was wading about in a pool of worry.

  "Did you see him?" she asked almost before I stepped through the door.

  "Yes. He's so tiny, but he has Miguel's hair." I said quickly. Miguel laughed, but Mommy held her expression of deep concern.

  "I did every-thing I was supposed to do. I ate right. I don't smoke. and I didn't even have a glass of wine for nearly nine months. Those vitamins," she told Miguel. "we should have them analyzed. Vitamins and health foods are not inspected and analyzed by the government. Maybe they weren't what they were advertised to be."

  "It's not the vitamins," Miguel said softly, closing and opening his eyes. It makes no sense to flail about searching for some demon, Willow. You gave birth and that's it. He'll be fine. The doctor assures us."

  She raised her eyebrows and looked at him with the face I knew my real father hated, the face that made a liar, a dreamer, a procrastinator swallow back his or her words. Miguel called her "lie-proof."

  "Fibs and exaggerations bounce off and come back at the people who send them in her direction." M
iguel told me often, leading rue to think he was trying to warn me never to attempt to deceive her.

  He raised his arms. "What?" he cried.

  "They don't keep a baby as long as he wants to keep Claude under observation. Miguel. Too early is too early. Please. You're not talking to an idiot."

  "All right, all right. Still, it will be fine. You will see."

  "I hope so." she said and turned to me and finally smiled, "He is beautiful, though, isn't he. Hannah?"

  "Uh-huh," I said even though my idea of a beautiful baby were the babies I saw in television commercials.

  "You finally have a little brother, When I was growing up. I longed so for a sister or a brother. Most of my friends had one or the other, and even though they were always teasing or arguing with each other. I knew they at least had someone, had family. I'm sorry we waited so long to give you a sibling, honey. But you will be older and wiser and almost a second mother to him."

  "When he's my age. I'll be thirty-four." I said. "I'll probably have my own children by then."

  "Yes." she said. "But he will love having nieces and nephews, too. You'll see. If I've learned anything from marrying Miguel, it's how important and wonderful family can be. You'll see." she promised.

  "I was thinking I would run back to the college and attend that faculty union meeting. It's important." Miguel said. "I should only be an hour or so."

  "It's fine. Miguel. Hannah can stay a while with me." "You're not tired?"

  "I'll doze on and off. I imagine, but I wouldn't mind the company, if you wouldn't mind staying a while. Hannah.-

  "No. I want to stay," I said quickly.

  "Fine, then." Miguel said. He walked to the door, turned, and raised his shoulders and puffed out his proud father's chest.I'll be back." he added. pretending to be Arnold Schwarzenegger,

  Both Mother and I laughed at his poor imitation, and then he left.

  "Are you going to have Miguel bring Uncle Linden here to see him?" I asked her.

  "No. I think it would be better if we just waited until we bring Claude home, Then we'll either have Linden over or take the baby there."