Shattered

  “Jasmine?”

  “Yes?”

  “Are you going to talk to me?”

  I groaned. I should, I really should. He deserved to know, but how could I risk it? For a year, all I did was talk about my feelings and about what had happened with my shrink. What could more talking possibly do for me? I was just so tired of all of this: tired of talking about it, tired of dreaming about it, tired of thinking about it. Shit, I was tired of letting my life revolve around it.

  I looked over at Angel, was his return the reason I wanted this shit over more now than ever before? The past four years went by in a blur and I gladly hid myself from life. I look back at it and a small part of me mourns the time I lost wallowing in self-pity. Another part of me wonders how I let my life be lived like that for so long. When was enough, enough? At some point, shit had to change and man did I want it to change. I hated that this shit happened so long ago and it was still affecting my life to this degree. I knew I couldn’t forget it happened but I needed to learn how to let this shit go already. I knew that asshole wasn’t coming back. I knew that, and that Angel would never be him. I walked over to the bed and sat down next to him.

  Taking a deep breath, “What is it you want to know?” He intertwined my hand with his. “Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

  “You weren’t here. And I wasn’t going to tell you while you were stationed anywhere but here. I could not be a distraction for you. You needed to focus on what was going on around you. I refused to be responsible again; I couldn’t.”

  “What do you mean responsible for what?”

  “Don’t worry about that. What else do you want to know?” He shook his head, “Who did it Jasmine?”

  “You don’t need to know that.”

  “Are you serious Jas? This isn’t exactly what I had in mind when I said talk to me.” I stood up and tried to move away from him but Angel refused to let go of my hand. I looked down at him, and with a resigned look, he let me go. I began to pace. I had this huge speech in my head about how tired I was of everything. Did I not just tell myself I wanted this shit over with? That I wanted out? Why the hell was this so hard? This shit did not just happen. It happened four long damn years ago. Why couldn’t I just talk to Angel? Why did I continually shut down? Was I this battered and broken? Maybe I should leave the shattered pieces alone and forget about fixing myself.

  A painful realization hit me; maybe this douche did win. He took me down and broke every damn part of me. I never recovered, never even made an attempt at it. I was so damaged. Maybe there really was no hope for me; maybe this was all just a waste of damn time. “I should go.” I turned quickly, trying to escape. I opened Angel’s bedroom door and he quickly slammed it shut behind me. His hands were by my head; his chest was so close to my back, there was barely a breath between us.

  “Stop running from me.” He brought his head down to my shoulder to place the simplest of kisses there. I wanted to weep at the gentle gesture. “Let me help you Jasmine please. Just talk to me.”

  I whirled around quickly and he instantly backed up. He had this guarded look on his face: what did he think I was going to do, attack him? He wanted to talk; fine we were going to talk. “What exactly is it that you want me to say to you Angel? You weren’t here. You left me, remember? You left me twice to be exact. How dare you sit there looking hurt and confused? You left me Angel!”

  He winced, “I’m sorry Jas. You’re right; I was a coward. I was running because I didn’t know any better then. But I’m not running now. I’m here, for you now Jasmine.” He exhaled, “When did this even happen?”

  “Right before Jay died.”

  The color drained from his face as he went back to sit on the bed. He rested his head on his hands, “God Jas- I came home then, I came home for you. Why didn’t you tell me then?”

  I crossed my arms over my chest. This guy could not be serious. “When exactly would you have liked for me to tell you? Let’s see, maybe in the car ride over to the cemetery? Oh I know, how about when you were passing me off to my mother and walking away when they lowered the casket. You know, come to think of it, that would have been the perfect time to tell you. You know how much I enjoy talking to someone‘s back. You were home all of two damn seconds Angel. This is clearly not something that can be talked about in two seconds.”

  He looked up at me, his green eyes burning into mine. There was so much emotion and so much turmoil there. How could he be hurting like this? Was he hurting for me? “I fucked up Jasmine. I’ve failed you in every way possible. I left you when you needed me most and for that, you will never know how truly sorry I am.”

  “Stop apologizing Angel. It doesn’t fix what happened. It doesn’t erase the dirty feeling I’ve suffered for the past four years. Do you know how many times I took a shower after it first happened? I scrubbed my skin raw, until I bleed. I wanted to erase his touch, his smell, his presence from my body, from my mind. I couldn’t wipe it out. I still wake up sometimes smelling him on me, suffocating me.”

  “Jas I-”

  “No! Don’t Angel. Don’t you dare say it. Stop saying it. Your saying I’m sorry . . . does what exactly? Does it change anything? No it doesn’t! It wouldn’t change the fact that he destroyed me. He took everything I fucking had from me. He took my brother from me, my virginity, my self-esteem, my sanity, my strength. He took my life and I have never been able to get it back. I’m tired of this. I’m tired of feeling like this, weak and pathetic. I’m so tired of him having control over my life. I just want to be able to live.”

  My tears were out streaming down my face. I was pissed; pissed that yet again I was crying. I was pissed that this shit still had power over me and over my damn life. It has to end. I knew I was at my breaking point. Enough is enough already. I just can’t continue to feel like this.

  Angel was watching me with a look of pity on his face. Pity? I didn’t need nor want anyone’s pity. I didn’t want to seem like a broken toy to him. I didn’t want to feel sorry for myself. I damn sure didn’t want other people feeling sorry for me.

  I gathered whatever resolve I had left and walked toward him, placing myself in between his legs. He looked up at me; I needed to erase the pity from his eyes. Right now, I wanted him to look at me like he did that day in the gym. I wanted him to see me. See me as just a girl who wasn’t so damaged. I wanted him to look at me like he still wanted me. I needed him to want me so he could help take the pain away.

  I cupped Angel’s face and lowered my lips to his. Don’t reject me; please don’t reject me. I heard him take a sharp gulp of breath a second before our lips met. I really didn’t think he was going to kiss me back after what I told him, but he did. I wanted to weep with joy. He still wanted me.

  Angel let me set the pace of the kiss. It was slow, tender, and sweet; but it was still demanding. Every time he kissed me, it was always a sensual seduction. Everything around always faded out and I zeroed in on the way his lips felt against mine. Whether it was rough, urgent and hard or this slow, leisurely pace; I was always left drowning in him. I wanted to savor every single drop of him. Not once in the four years did I want or even think about wanting someone. I wanted Angel though, and that scared me a little. However, I needed to do this.

  Angel

  I had to stop this kiss. It was wrong no matter how good her lips felt. She felt so right against me. She always fit. But this was wrong. She wasn’t thinking; I couldn’t take advantage of her. Reluctantly I stopped the kiss and pulled her away from me.

  “What are we doing Jasmine?” She backed up looking a little skittish, scared even. Maybe she was second-guessing her kissing me. I really shouldn’t have kissed her back. I should have pulled away. It was wrong to indulge her now. I had to take a few deep breaths to get myself under control, when all I wanted to do was get lost in her, which seemed to happen every damn time Jas was near me. Even now, even after she told me everything, I was still hard for her. Yes, I know I was all kind of perverted and fucked u
p, but on some basic primitive level, I understood Jasmine was mine. I understood that I needed to take her, fuck her until the only thing she saw, felt, tasted, and knew was me. I wanted to erase any and every man from her memory, especially that piece of shit who hurt her. I needed to mark her in any and every way possible so everyone knew she belonged to me.

  I let out a long breath. Again, I was getting ahead of myself. It wasn’t going to happen. Jasmine needed time to heal; I think I still needed time to heal as well. We’d get there eventually, Jasmine especially. She was always a warrior, always determined. She used to set her mind to something and she didn’t rest until she got it. And Jasmine always got what she set her mind too. This should have been no different for her and it wouldn’t be, once she remembered what she was capable of.

  She was watching me, her face reading as if she was deciding on something. I stood up and she took a step back. “Jas?” She shook her head and came forward, only close enough so if I needed to touch her, I had to reach out and grab her. “Jasmine what are we doing?”

  “Making it all go away.” Her hand went to the drawstrings on her sweats. My breath seized in my body, this wasn’t- she wasn’t. Yes she was. She dropped her sweats and stepped out of them. I had to stop myself from groaning at the sight of her perfect long legs. Man, I just wanted to lick my way up from her ankles all the way to the treasure she held in-between.

  She grabbed the hem of her shirt. I really needed to stop this. I should stop this before it went any further; but whatever protest I had died on my lips the moment she lifted her shirt up and off her shoulders. She stood there in plain black boy shorts and a sports bra. She had to be the sexiest thing I’ve ever saw. I’ve been with plenty of girls in their little lingerie and none of them ever had me on edge like Jasmine did. I wanted to drop to my knees before her and just worship every square inch of her body. My mouth was watering just imaging how delicious she would taste. My greedy eyes were devouring every inch of her. I wanted the image of her like this, committed to my memory, just in case she ever changed her mind about us. I needed to have her.

  I took a step forward and she took a huge step back. I paused, now noticing that she had never discarded the shirt, like the sweats. The shirt was fisted in her hand and her breathing was unsteady. There was no hint of arousal; this was all fear. She was scared. I took my shirt off and moved toward her. She backed herself up into the door. “Easy Jas, I’m not going to hurt you.”

  She let out a breath and came toward me shaking her head. “I know Angel. I know you won’t. I just-” She laughed, “I’m sorry.”

  “Hey, there’s nothing to apologize for Jasmine.” I put my shirt on her. Jas being so tall, the shirt barely covered her bottom. I growled in frustration, causing Jasmine to look at me funny. How could she possibly make wearing my shirt look so damn decedent? I just wanted to peel her out of it. “You know Jas; you make it very difficult to concentrate.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I just- never mind that. What were you trying to do?”

  She looked down and started messing with the ends of the t-shirt. “Jasmine, are you going to tell me?”

  She walked over towards the bed and sat down. With her hands in her lap and her head still down she sighed, “I want it to go away already. I wanted you to take it away, to love me.”

  “I already love you, Jasmine.”

  She looked up at me, a single tear escaping her sad brown eyes. “That’s not what I meant Angel. I want you to make love to me, to erase him from me. I know I can’t undo what happened, but I can move on. The only way to do that is with you. I want you Angel.

  CHAPTER 13

  I felt like she just sucker punched me in the gut. Man did I want that. I wanted it with every fiber in my body, but we wanted this for two very different reasons. Her reasons weren’t that she wanted me; well she did, but it wasn’t genuine. She just wanted me to erase the douche before me, to use me. She wasn’t ready for me.

  She spoke again, “But I guess that’s not going to happen, is it Angel? You couldn’t possibly want me after I’ve been raped. I’m damaged goods; who could possibly still want me?”

  I knelt down in front of her wedging myself in between her legs, a place I wished I could stay in forever. “Jasmine, it’s not that.” I would want her no matter what happened in my life or hers. I told her earlier nothing would change how I felt about her. She could tell me she hated me and loved someone else and she would still be my Jasmine. “Believe me when I tell you, I want you. I can’t be near you without imaging how you would look and feel beneath me. I’m dying to get just the barest taste of you. I’ve told you already nothing, and I mean nothing can change what you mean to me. Your being raped doesn’t change anything. It does not deter my desire for you. It is taking all my self-control not to peel you out of my shirt and have my way with you.”

  “So why don’t you then?” The challenge was in her eyes. If she was anything, it was determined. This was the Jasmine I knew before I left; always so damn defiant. It was her defiance that had my dick throbbing yet again. If it was possible to die from unfulfilled lust, Jasmine was sure as shit going to kill me.

  I took two long deep breaths, willing the blood to move from the southern region of my body and back to my brain. “Jas, this is more than just sex. You are not in the right place to make this decision Jasmine, and neither am I. Because I can promise you, one time will not be enough for me. I refuse to take advantage of this situation and of you. I need you to be sure that this is what you want, that I am actually what you want. I’ll be damn if you regret any time you spend in my bed, understand that.”

  She didn’t speak; she just rested her head on my shoulder. Her hands were wrapped around my waist making lazy strokes across my back. Every damn stoke on my back was like she was stoking my dick. The minx was trying to force my damn hand. I needed to leave before every good intention I had went out the freaking window. I let out a long sigh, “Hey Jas.” I had to clear my damn throat of the need in it. This girl was going to be the death of me. “Jas, how about we call it a night? You can take my bed and I’ll just sleep on the couch.” Being in the same room with her was not an option.

  I got up to move and she grabbed my hand. “Angel, wait. Can you just stay with me until I fall asleep? Please?” I should say no, I needed to say no. The picture of Jasmine in my bed, in my clothes had me biting back a groan. This was not going to end well. Sensing my hesitation, she dropped my hand and began to climb in the bed. I barely stifled the groan at the sight of Jasmine unintentionally putting herself on all fours. The shirt rose up over her boy shorts and I got just the barest glimpse of her gorgeous backside. It took every ounce of self-control I possessed to keep my damn feet rooted in place. I really needed to go but I couldn’t get myself to move.

  Once she climbed into my bed, she pulled the covers up over her. “It’s okay Angel. You don’t have to stay. I just thought you were done running. I guess not. Goodnight.” She pulled the covers over her head successfully shutting me out. Oh no, she had no idea who and what she was tempting. She wasn’t ready and she needed to understand that. I moved to the side of the bed she was resting on, pulling the sheets off her. I swallowed her startled gasp in a rough punishing kiss. I nipped at her lower lip, “This is what you wanted Jasmine.” She brought her hand up to my chest not to pull me closer but to push me away. Yea she wasn’t ready at all. I backed up grabbing her hand and placed it on my dick. “You see what you do to me? Do you feel how hard I am for you? Never underestimate what it is I feel for you. But you are nowhere near ready for the things I want to do to you.

  You remember what happened at the gym? That doesn’t even scratch the surface Jasmine. Look how you panicked then. Look at you panicking now. When I take you, I need you to be sure it’s what you want and that you’re ready. I’m not running. I just refuse to put you through anymore shit.”

  I walked away slamming the door shut. I knew I was being a dick, but she needed to un
derstand that just because I didn’t give into her this time, did not mean I was running. Damn brat was enough to tempt a saint.

  I walked toward the kitchen noticing the light was on. Great, my dad was probably still awake, waiting for me. I could only imagine the talk my father wanted to have. I embarrassed myself in front of him. I didn’t want to deal with having another heart to heart with him.

  When I got to the kitchen, I saw Chase. He again had no shirt on in the same vicinity as my sister. He was in the fridge rummaging for something, probably for food. “Why is it you never have a shirt on when you’re around my sister?”

  He closed the refrigerator door, “I could ask you the same thing. Where’s your shirt buddy?”

  “My house, so it’s none of your business. Why the hell are you even here? Do you even know what time it is?”

  Chase started laughing. “I don’t ever remember you being this testy after you got laid. Didn’t you used to be all calm and happy, and shit?”

  I gritted my teeth, “I didn’t get laid you prick.”

  “What happened? Jas couldn’t tempt your hand? All that body and passion and she didn‘t give you none of it?”

  Chase

  The growl that erupted from Angel’s chest was the only warning I had before he attacked me. I knew better than to bring Jas’ name up like that, but I wasn’t about to be cautious around these two anymore. I didn’t bother trying to move out the way when he rushed me. He had his hands around my neck and slammed me up against the refrigerator. “You don’t know shit about her body or her passions. Don’t you ever fucking speak about her like that again! Understand?”

  I cracked a smile, “What’s the matter Angel? She’s getting under your skin isn’t she? Why are you fighting so much? She wants you just as bad as you want her.”

  He growled, dropped his hold on me and began to pace. “It’s not that simple Chase.”

  “Yea it is Angel. You want her; she wants you. Am I missing a variable here?”